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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by DS being removed from group chat

80 replies

GentleButter · 05/04/2024 22:53

DS, 11 years old, was added to a group chat by a friend who was already in the group.
DS was really happy and pleased, was beaming in fact, to have been added and included. He's had really bad experiences with friendship difficulties over the past year so was made up to be added to this group and was excitedly telling me about it.
2 hours later, another member of the group deleted him. No conversation about it, no explanation.
DS texted the boy and asked to be added back in to the chat again. No reply from the boy.
This boy has been pretty badly behaved towards DS over recent months, but DS was excited to be added in to the (already existing) group, thinking it meant they could be friends again.
Only to be crestfallen 2 hours later.
AIBU to feel sorry for him?
DS is a really nice boy. He's got friends that love being friends with him. But he's had a lot of hostile behaviour to deal with from other kids.
Why are kids so harsh with other people's feelings?
Am I right to think that this is upsetting for DS, who is friends with all the other kids on this group chat, they all link up and play gaming together and DS was really excited to have been added so that he could play too.
Or AIBU? Do 11 - 12 year old k8ds just have to suck up other kids hurtful behaviour and actions?

OP posts:
Aerin1999 · 05/04/2024 22:57

This would make me sick….i would feel just the same as you.

only advice is that it will most likely be hurting you more than him. He will find his tribe soon enough, but in the meantime sending you hugs. Children are tougher than their mummies 😍

Awrite · 05/04/2024 22:58

He'll be fine. Leave him to deal with it himself. He'll gain self esteem from how he copes.

Shit to watch though I agree.

Oh, and really good that he talks to you about it.

SuperGinger · 05/04/2024 23:01

I know they are all on WhatsApp but this is exactly why it's a bad idea. Mine aged 11 and 12 refuse to have phones

FleaDog · 05/04/2024 23:02

That's rubbish - is your ds in primary (where he will be leaving, heading for new pastures at high school) or at high school and finding his feet with friendships?

My dc was starting high school, and I said he could walk to school with one friens that was near us.... friend was wanting to meet up part way with footbalkers they were wanting to get in with.... footballer said the friend could call for him but ds had to wait end of street or somewhere else.

Be your ds's cheerleaderband make home a safe and happy space, find things to do out of school.

TiberiusFlam · 05/04/2024 23:03

From what I can observe by checking my 12yo DS WhatsApp, they do chuck people out of/add in/leave groups/ask to be added back in constantly. That’s mainly what the chat is tbh along with gifs, and saying “Fort?”
I don’t think it would be that deep, he can ask his friend to add him back or even make his own group.
Or, being brutally honest, he’s better off out of it.

yellowsun · 05/04/2024 23:06

This kind of thing happens all the time when my son was that age- people adding and deleting each other. I am a safeguarding lead in a primary school and it’s the same with our kids too. I would support your son in not letting it get to him too much.

FusionChefGeoff · 05/04/2024 23:07

When they first get WhatsApp this is all they do. Oh and send 7,625,738 gifs to each other. Honestly don't read too much into it and give the same message to DS - it doesn't mean anything and he certainly shouldn't link his 'worth' to which chats he's in / not at any one point.

whiteboardking · 05/04/2024 23:08

Agree with @TiberiusFlam
Yr6 and Yr7 WAp groups are just like that. Someone sets up a group, they add people. Admin isn't mates with a child and just removed them. They get added back. New groups set up and on it goes. Don't over think it.

Princesspollyyy · 05/04/2024 23:09

This exact same thing happened to my 14 year old daughter a few weeks before Easter. She was very very upset and it was so hard seeing her like that and not being able to do anything.

I do think phones and WhatsApp groups are to blame, never had any of this sh1te when I was at school.

RoderickHosclassicblackhoodie · 05/04/2024 23:09

11 and 12 year olds are rarely mature enough to cope with having smart phones.

Starlightstarbright3 · 05/04/2024 23:10

Yes I can remember this stage . Kids are frequently added deleted got basically nothing .

It is harsh but you just have to let him find his way through

YaMuvva · 05/04/2024 23:11

God I fucking hate WhatsApp group drama. My almost 11yo is in one that she never posts in but I monitor it all and this goes on a lot by the same nasty bullies who are equally horrible in school. I’d tell him to start his own with friends he likes and trusts.

YaMuvva · 05/04/2024 23:12

Princesspollyyy · 05/04/2024 23:09

This exact same thing happened to my 14 year old daughter a few weeks before Easter. She was very very upset and it was so hard seeing her like that and not being able to do anything.

I do think phones and WhatsApp groups are to blame, never had any of this sh1te when I was at school.

I think phones and WhatsApp are just different vehicles for the bullies, and if only nice kids were on this group this wouldn’t happen.

whiteboardking · 06/04/2024 00:19

WAp groups or whatever comes next are their life. They just need to be savvy about it all. Leave groups they added to etc

whiteboardking · 06/04/2024 00:21

I agree that it's a red herring to blame group chats for bullying.

StillCreatingAName · 06/04/2024 00:23

Why is he on WhatsApp in the first place? So much drama at such a young age. They are really not mature enough to deal with the emotions that group chats, social media and other such nonsense throws up these days.

Pinkdaisy2 · 06/04/2024 00:35

i let my then 11 year old have a phone and instantly regretted it, the bullying he encountered in school was now being brought home, home was no longer a safe space. I have been much more vigilant with my 13 year old and will be with my 9 year old when the time comes.

My eldest is now 16 and he is still bullied via WhatsApp. It is a constant source of trouble. I agree that your son should create a group with just his good friends and sod the nasty ones

HoppingPavlova · 06/04/2024 00:38

This is why 11yo’s shouldn’t have smart phones. There are phones they can use for emergencies if travelling to/from school by themselves or what not. They can make calls to emergency services and a few preprogrammed numbers. Get one of those and save this drama.

Princesspollyyy · 06/04/2024 10:22

HoppingPavlova · 06/04/2024 00:38

This is why 11yo’s shouldn’t have smart phones. There are phones they can use for emergencies if travelling to/from school by themselves or what not. They can make calls to emergency services and a few preprogrammed numbers. Get one of those and save this drama.

Yes and then they will get bullied for having a rubbish basic phone.

You can't win.

Mum of grown up teenagers here, been there and done that, got the flipping t-shirt.

WhiteLeopard · 06/04/2024 10:26

I remember a similar thing happening to my DS in year 7. It's awful to watch as a parent. The good news is that, a few years later, my DS has a good group of loyal friends and a nice girlfriend. It took him a little while to get there but he's really happy now. I hope for the same for your DS.

Dacadactyl · 06/04/2024 10:32

DS gets added to lots of group chats and I delete him from them.

They are a war zone. He's better off not on the group chats. Bless him though, if he wants to be on them, it's really hard. Just say to him you've heard that the group chats are often like this and you think it's best for him not to be on them at the minute anyway.

YaMuvva · 06/04/2024 10:54

Princesspollyyy · 06/04/2024 10:22

Yes and then they will get bullied for having a rubbish basic phone.

You can't win.

Mum of grown up teenagers here, been there and done that, got the flipping t-shirt.

Show quote history

I have to say as a mum of a nearly 11yo who is starting secondary school in september, the parents who smugly think they’re doing their kids a favour by not getting them a smart phone actually should know they’re hindering them. I recently had a mum try to shame me over this (in a group conversation about the kids WhatsApp groups, I mentioned DD was part of the year 6 group, which BTW are mostly full of GIFs and stupid pointless posts like just the words “LeBron James” or “Renaldo!!”) saying “Oh I am not letting Emily get WhatsApp or a phone, I hear those groups are awful and full of swearing, I can’t imagine what parent would allow their child to have it”.

Year 6 is a game changer, not least because it’s the point where schools (well schools I know of) allow children to walk to and from school, and this is something of a gateway to more independence. I got DD a phone when I knew she’d be doing this, and they naturally get to a place where they make arrangements with their mates via What’sApp groups. She will now say “I’m going swimming on Saturday with Lucy and Freya” or similar because they all arranged it together on WhatsApp. same for walking to and from school, which they all enjoy. Without meaning to it means those without phones or access to WhatsApp Miss out as they aren’t contactable about these things.

Also they’re staring big school soon - I used to work in a school and the new year 7 kids who’d never had an ounce of independence, who’d never had the experience of arranging things with their mates and had been coddled and protected from things like that stood out like sore thumbs, and they did to older kids too looking a bit of prey with the new kids Sad.

At the end of the day my Dd is nearly 11, about to embark on her journey to becoming an adult. Witnessing a bit of unpleasantness on a WhatsApp group will not kill her and I don’t think shielding her from it is helpful or productive. It’s just a life lesson albeit a not very nice one and you just have to hope they aren’t too heavily involved or they have some good mates to fall back on when the horrible ones start funny business

ballsdeep · 06/04/2024 10:59

feel sick reading this as it brought back memories of my DC . He would be added and then the messages of ‘who the fuck added him’ and then kicked out. Added back in and kicked. He left the friendship group but it did hurt him. I was feeling the same way as you. I think it’s a power struggle tbh and they always want someone to ‘pick on’ so they don’t get picked on themselves. Horrible .

crumblingschools · 06/04/2024 11:06

The Y6 group chat in DS’s class got quite toxic. DS wasn’t on it, and I worried at first he might be missing out, but when some of the chat got quite explicit I was glad he wasn’t.

Mammma91 · 06/04/2024 11:28

Your poor DS. I hope soon he’ll be part of a friendship group where he’s included and knows it. It’s hard now but in the long run, you don’t want him to be apart of a friendship group who don’t value him and for him to be excluded. My heart does ache for him though, so nasty especially with no explanation.