To be upset by DS being removed from group chat

[GentleButter]

DS, 11 years old, was added to a group chat by a friend who was already in the group.
DS was really happy and pleased, was beaming in fact, to have been added and included. He's had really bad experiences with friendship difficulties over the past year so was made up to be added to this group and was excitedly telling me about it.
2 hours later, another member of the group deleted him. No conversation about it, no explanation.
DS texted the boy and asked to be added back in to the chat again. No reply from the boy.
This boy has been pretty badly behaved towards DS over recent months, but DS was excited to be added in to the (already existing) group, thinking it meant they could be friends again.
Only to be crestfallen 2 hours later.
AIBU to feel sorry for him?
DS is a really nice boy. He's got friends that love being friends with him. But he's had a lot of hostile behaviour to deal with from other kids.
Why are kids so harsh with other people's feelings?
Am I right to think that this is upsetting for DS, who is friends with all the other kids on this group chat, they all link up and play gaming together and DS was really excited to have been added so that he could play too.
Or AIBU? Do 11 - 12 year old k8ds just have to suck up other kids hurtful behaviour and actions?

Sorry your ds is upset.

Doesn’t whatsapp have a 16 years old and above age usage in the UK? Assuming you are in the UK.

Why is your 16 year old still on Whatsapp if he is being bullied there?

I agree it's an idea for him to set up his own group with friends of his. And you sound like the sort of mum who will talk with him about being kind and mature when using WhatsApp so he doesn't subject others to exclusion. Alot of the time these things blow over in5 minutes and they're friends again. But I don't think I'd like my son being at the mercy of the group leader so to speak.

I am regularly going through my son's phone. He isn't too bothered by this sort of behaviour and it hurts me ten times more. If I see any unpleasantness he would get a lecture from me. That's all we can do in this modern age 🤷‍♀️.

Not missing out on anything and shouldn't be worried.
To think years ago you only had the house phone to share and there was none of this.
Those that keep coming up with new tech certainly don't care about children etc.
Wonder how they negotiate their own children with these things they invent?

Well that's the funny thing - the inventers of all this tech restrict their own kids.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.businessinsider.com/screen-time-limits-bill-gates-steve-jobs-red-flag-2017-10%3famp

This sort of thing happens all the time even among adults! My friend was deleted from a group chat for no reason. She was v upset

Yes it did used to be 16.
But it's been lowered to 13 now.
Still older than my DS admittedly, but only by a few months.

YANBU - school is a jungle, and it doesnt get much better when you are an adult!

That's fine, I disagree with you aswell. 😊 you sound in a completely different era to me. We can agree to disagree. 👋🏼

But that's the thing - your adult friend was very upset.
So if adults respond with emotional upset, no wonder (some) kids do.

It sure doesn't does it? At my work similar things happen in WhatsApp groups. Nights out arranged and people kicked off groups. It doesn't bother me as I don't socialise with work colleagues.

Can he start his own group chats?

Does he have any hobbies outside of school so he can mix with different kids?

Oh God - I remember those days. My children are young adults now (students) and the best thing I can say to you is: this stage will pass, your kid will find real friends and he will learn resilience from these setbacks X

Do you really think he will learn resilience?
I keep worrying that he has had so much shit behaviour from other kids to deal with over the past couple of years that it will impact on his mental health both now and in later years.
It would be brilliant if it created resilience instead.

Honestly that adding and removing is fairly standard these days . Horrible as it is. I think they've become desensitised to it. Tell him not to react to it ie pretend indifference . It seems to have more of an impact of the horrible kids than kicking off . Ultimately they are looking for a reaction.

I learned the hard way with dd1 (she’s now 16). We now have a no group chats rule. Only allowed if you’re actually friends with everyone in it (proper friends) or for an up coming event to help with arrangements. Dtds follow this because they’ve seen the fall outs dd1 experienced (not her fault). Group chats are hideous and cause far more upset than they are worth.

I hope he learns resilience, but I don’t know your son so I’m not really in a position to judge. Neither my ds or dd would care a jot if something like this happened now, they are happy in their own skins and have strong friendship groups, but I couldn’t have said that when they were 11. They became resilient - and I hope your son does too.

I’ve voted Yabu because you let your son have Whattsapp, for which the age limit is age 16.

The structure of Whattsapp encourages bullying and young children aren’t emotionally equipped to deal with it or to be responsible with it.

I’m sorry but you are just as responsible for your son’s upset as is the other boy.

Anyway. Focus on his in person friendships.

It's age 13
Not 16
And when it dropped to age 13, I allowed him to install it on to his phone, since he'll be 13 in a few months anyway.
https://www.gbnews.com/tech/whatsapp-lowers-minimum-age-13

I think we need a big societal shift about how we allow children to have access to social media. WhatsApp is rated 16+ by the NSPCC for a reason.
As a teacher I rarely agree with anything from the DfE, but they have got this absolutely spot on: https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/65cf5f2a4239310011b7b916/Mobile_phones_in_schools_guidance.pdf - essentially all schools will be expected to have complete bans on mobile phones at school. Parents really need to step up and it might not be cool right now, but your child really does not need a smartphone. At my school we actually won’t deal with anything sm related; they’re banned at school so it’s up to parents to deal with, because it can only happen out of school, on the parents watch. Maybe that will bring about the change we need and start realising how absolutely toxic sm is for young teens. Since no child below 13 can legally consent to the data processing needed to access sm, there is no need for any of them to have a smartphone!

WhatsApp is age 13.
Age 16 is out of date information.

As a teacher I frequently have these issues coming up with year 6s. Also nasty messages - some kids forget that messages can be screenshot. It's not easy, especially when large groups are created. He could try creating his own group including just his friends. But basically it's pre adolescent social issues magnified, since what they do and say online tends to be less inhibited than in 'real life '.

Be there to listen and give advice, if he's receptive to it.

I feel for your son and totally get why he is upset. I haven't negotiated these waters yet, ds will get his phone at 13 before secondary school (Ireland). I would have thought WhatsApp harmless, probably because I use it myself, so it's interesting to see it's such a minefield.

In general regarding resilience, I agree with a pp who said it's a them problem not a him problem as the best approach to Bolster your child. Also I wouldn't be trying to build bridges with these kids who have left your ds down, encourage and support the friendships he does have with the nice kids. Finally, I know my ds greatly appreciated me just listening and reflecting back what he's said when upset rather than trying to solve. Sometimes I say 'Do you want my advice or do you want me just to listen?' It's incredible how much it means to any of us to be fully heard and we often move on from the problem then. Best of luck to your ds.

Having same issues with my yr6 son too, my advice to him is to remove himself from group chats as they've been nothing but trouble. Name calling, posturing, swearing, and in a class of 30 it's actually only 3 or 4 children who are causing the trouble. The school had to get involved before Easter and parents of those children were spoken to..... lo and behold those same kids have started another group up this weekend with the same behaviour. My frustration is with parents who don't monitor their children's behaviour or phone usage when they are first given them.

@GentleButter I was quoting the current NSPCC guidance on WhatsApp; I am well aware that legally it might be different.
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/online-safety-blog/2023-01-12-is-whatsapp-safe-for-my-child/#