To be upset by DS being removed from group chat

80 replies

GentleButter · 05/04/2024 22:53

DS, 11 years old, was added to a group chat by a friend who was already in the group.
DS was really happy and pleased, was beaming in fact, to have been added and included. He's had really bad experiences with friendship difficulties over the past year so was made up to be added to this group and was excitedly telling me about it.
2 hours later, another member of the group deleted him. No conversation about it, no explanation.
DS texted the boy and asked to be added back in to the chat again. No reply from the boy.
This boy has been pretty badly behaved towards DS over recent months, but DS was excited to be added in to the (already existing) group, thinking it meant they could be friends again.
Only to be crestfallen 2 hours later.
AIBU to feel sorry for him?
DS is a really nice boy. He's got friends that love being friends with him. But he's had a lot of hostile behaviour to deal with from other kids.
Why are kids so harsh with other people's feelings?
Am I right to think that this is upsetting for DS, who is friends with all the other kids on this group chat, they all link up and play gaming together and DS was really excited to have been added so that he could play too.
Or AIBU? Do 11 - 12 year old k8ds just have to suck up other kids hurtful behaviour and actions?

OP posts:

Bowies · 29/06/2024 02:09

YaMuvva · 06/04/2024 10:54

I have to say as a mum of a nearly 11yo who is starting secondary school in september, the parents who smugly think they’re doing their kids a favour by not getting them a smart phone actually should know they’re hindering them. I recently had a mum try to shame me over this (in a group conversation about the kids WhatsApp groups, I mentioned DD was part of the year 6 group, which BTW are mostly full of GIFs and stupid pointless posts like just the words “LeBron James” or “Renaldo!!”) saying “Oh I am not letting Emily get WhatsApp or a phone, I hear those groups are awful and full of swearing, I can’t imagine what parent would allow their child to have it”.

Year 6 is a game changer, not least because it’s the point where schools (well schools I know of) allow children to walk to and from school, and this is something of a gateway to more independence. I got DD a phone when I knew she’d be doing this, and they naturally get to a place where they make arrangements with their mates via What’sApp groups. She will now say “I’m going swimming on Saturday with Lucy and Freya” or similar because they all arranged it together on WhatsApp. same for walking to and from school, which they all enjoy. Without meaning to it means those without phones or access to WhatsApp Miss out as they aren’t contactable about these things.

Also they’re staring big school soon - I used to work in a school and the new year 7 kids who’d never had an ounce of independence, who’d never had the experience of arranging things with their mates and had been coddled and protected from things like that stood out like sore thumbs, and they did to older kids too looking a bit of prey with the new kids .

At the end of the day my Dd is nearly 11, about to embark on her journey to becoming an adult. Witnessing a bit of unpleasantness on a WhatsApp group will not kill her and I don’t think shielding her from it is helpful or productive. It’s just a life lesson albeit a not very nice one and you just have to hope they aren’t too heavily involved or they have some good mates to fall back on when the horrible ones start funny business

Edited

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It can be beneficial to have a more basic phone for as long as possible AND develop independence, those are not mutually exclusive.

Not having what’s app (or other apps) doesn’t stop them being invited out IME. In a before and after situation, it made no difference.

10 (rising 11) is not about to embark on a journey to become an adult (we could also philosophically say that starts at birth). Realistically there are 5-7 years of school, which is a long way to go.

Bowies · 29/06/2024 02:13

Goodadvice1980 · 07/04/2024 13:31

Sorry your ds is upset.

Doesn’t whatsapp have a 16 years old and above age usage in the UK? Assuming you are in the UK.

It is currently 13 in U.K.

whiteboardking · 29/06/2024 02:50

Get all this out of the way in Yr6
It's normal now. Smart phones are their world.

HelensDen · 29/06/2024 08:26

ballsdeep · 06/04/2024 10:59

feel sick reading this as it brought back memories of my DC . He would be added and then the messages of ‘who the fuck added him’ and then kicked out. Added back in and kicked. He left the friendship group but it did hurt him. I was feeling the same way as you. I think it’s a power struggle tbh and they always want someone to ‘pick on’ so they don’t get picked on themselves. Horrible .

It's like lord of the flies, but what's app groups are just an additional channel for this. It's rough out there and children can be so mean, boys as well as girls. What irritates me are the parents who don't care about how mean and rude their dc is behaving. In year 6 it's like whoever is socially the toughest, most confident, loudest and most boisterous is king or queen. The quite ones often don't get a look in😔

EnglishBluebell · 29/06/2024 11:15

@YaMuvva You've made a huggge speech trying to justify giving a pre-teen access to a smart phone when there's a farrrr bigger & more serious reason why they're not meant to have them at that age, why there's a minimum age requirement on most platforms. Sod missing out on arrangements! 🙄 If they want 'Emily' to come they'll get hold of her. At least 'Emily' will be safe!

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