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Original poster

Colleague is a bit thoughtless?

76 replies

toomanycoffeess · 05/04/2024 15:05

We’re both new but she started around a month before me. We’re the only ones in the team apart from our manager.

Sometimes I’ve felt like the office is a bit unfriendly and I casually mentioned this to colleague (said hello to two people and then looked at me and ignored it) when we went to get coffee together at lunch. And she said well I’ve arranged a dinner with x, y and z from the office and they are really looking forward to it.

Now 100% she didn’t have to invite me to it, it’s really not that. It just seemed a bit harsh to just say it? … If my colleague said I find it a bit unfriendly and I’m struggling to make friends I wouldn’t say well I don’t and I’m having a dinner with colleagues (and basically you’re not invited)

Then today in a team meeting she mentioned the dinner to me again. Saying “oh because you know I’m going out for dinner tonight with x,y and z”

I don’t really get it? My reaction had been to smile and say “that’s nice” and “have a good time”

OP posts:
Somethingsnappy · 05/04/2024 15:13

She sounds extremely thoughtless and insensitive! At least now you know who to give a wide berth to, to avoid any future miserable interactions. She also sounds insecure ('look at how popular I am!'). Most secure people wouldn't say/do what she did.

PenguinLord · 05/04/2024 15:42

She seems to be rubbing it in, or very desperate to be seen as cool and confident, you're both new but maybe she wants to be more senior. Lots of people out there seem to have zero people skills though, so I am not surprised.
At any rate you know whom not to trust, ebcause she will probably gossip you dont like people!

Ace56 · 05/04/2024 15:46

Yes I’d be very careful about being all buddy-buddy with her now or telling her anything, as she’s just the type who will bitch about you to others. She sounds very insecure. If she brings up the dinner again I would jokingly say ‘oh yeah, and where’s my invite then, haha!’ and gauge her reaction.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 05/04/2024 15:53

She’s a bitch, pure and simple.

loropianalover · 05/04/2024 15:54

Don’t talk to her about that kind of stuff anymore, you don’t know who she’ll spread it to.

loropianalover · 05/04/2024 15:55

Ace56 · 05/04/2024 15:46

Yes I’d be very careful about being all buddy-buddy with her now or telling her anything, as she’s just the type who will bitch about you to others. She sounds very insecure. If she brings up the dinner again I would jokingly say ‘oh yeah, and where’s my invite then, haha!’ and gauge her reaction.

Definitely don’t do this, how awkward. What if you got roped into going then!!

IwishIdidntlikesugar · 05/04/2024 15:56

She isnt thoughtless. She knows what she is doing.

WhateverMate · 05/04/2024 15:57

If my colleague said I find it a bit unfriendly and I’m struggling to make friends I wouldn’t say well I don’t and I’m having a dinner with colleagues (and basically you’re not invited)

This wasn't said by anyone though.

You said you found the office a bit unfriendly and she said she didn't.

And her going to dinner with at least 3 of them kind of proves it 🤷‍♀️

Bobbybobbins · 05/04/2024 15:58

Sounds like she is deliberately excluding you. Carry on with breezy/grey rock type responses and do not trust her! Maybe ask if one of the other colleagues wants to go for lunch or coffee.

gamerchick · 05/04/2024 16:00

WhateverMate · 05/04/2024 15:57

If my colleague said I find it a bit unfriendly and I’m struggling to make friends I wouldn’t say well I don’t and I’m having a dinner with colleagues (and basically you’re not invited)

This wasn't said by anyone though.

You said you found the office a bit unfriendly and she said she didn't.

And her going to dinner with at least 3 of them kind of proves it 🤷‍♀️

This is the sort of comment a bloke would make. It's pretty obvious to a woman what it meant. It's bitchy and intended to jellyfish sting.

I probably wouldn't speak your feelings to her though. She might be a shit stirrer and the reason people are being unfriendly.

Original poster
toomanycoffeess · 05/04/2024 16:01

IwishIdidntlikesugar · 05/04/2024 15:56

She isnt thoughtless. She knows what she is doing.

I guess I just didn’t understand what she expected me to do/react?

Beg for an invite - not going to happen, I don’t even want to go - but if I’d been genuinely asked I would have made the effort to go.

Make me feel worse? Maybe … ? But I just smiled and said that’s nice.

It did make me laugh when she said they were really excited. Because I felt like saying - do they not get out much?

OP posts:
Bellsandthistle · 05/04/2024 16:04

Well, you didn’t say “I’m finding it hard to make friends” or “I want to get to know people better” or something. You said the office was “unfriendly”. That can come across quite rude and might have put her on the defensive.

Original poster
toomanycoffeess · 05/04/2024 16:10

WhateverMate · 05/04/2024 15:57

If my colleague said I find it a bit unfriendly and I’m struggling to make friends I wouldn’t say well I don’t and I’m having a dinner with colleagues (and basically you’re not invited)

This wasn't said by anyone though.

You said you found the office a bit unfriendly and she said she didn't.

And her going to dinner with at least 3 of them kind of proves it 🤷‍♀️

I put the part in brackets because obviously that wasn’t said by anyone. I thought that was obvious?

But clearly if you’re mentioning an event/outing twice to someone that they could also easily attend and all attending share a common interest then it’s implied they aren’t invited.

I just found it odd. If anyone came to me with a problem or maybe something they struggled with I wouldn’t want to potentially make them feel worse?

OP posts:
Ace56 · 05/04/2024 16:11

loropianalover · 05/04/2024 15:55

Definitely don’t do this, how awkward. What if you got roped into going then!!

Show quote history

OP would have gone if she’d been asked! She wants to make friends.

Doesn't have to be awkward depending on how you say it - but I think this woman needs to be called out on this BS. So rude to mention something the other person isn’t invited to

Original poster
toomanycoffeess · 05/04/2024 16:12

Bellsandthistle · 05/04/2024 16:04

Well, you didn’t say “I’m finding it hard to make friends” or “I want to get to know people better” or something. You said the office was “unfriendly”. That can come across quite rude and might have put her on the defensive.

She’s worked there 4 weeks longer than me. I told her why I found it a bit unfriendly. We were out having a coffee together which would be considered friendly. So how would sharing an experience with someone having the same experience (new starter) be rude?

OP posts:
PlasticOno · 05/04/2024 16:13

WhateverMate · 05/04/2024 15:57

If my colleague said I find it a bit unfriendly and I’m struggling to make friends I wouldn’t say well I don’t and I’m having a dinner with colleagues (and basically you’re not invited)

This wasn't said by anyone though.

You said you found the office a bit unfriendly and she said she didn't.

And her going to dinner with at least 3 of them kind of proves it 🤷‍♀️

That’s certainly one available reading. She invited colleagues to a dinner. You could do the same. It’s not clear from your posts whether you like the other people and would like to see them outside of work or not, or whether you’d just like a slightly more collegial atmosphere at work.

WhateverMate · 05/04/2024 16:18

gamerchick · 05/04/2024 16:00

This is the sort of comment a bloke would make. It's pretty obvious to a woman what it meant. It's bitchy and intended to jellyfish sting.

I probably wouldn't speak your feelings to her though. She might be a shit stirrer and the reason people are being unfriendly.

Show quote history

Well the last time I checked I was still a biological woman Confused

The OP's colleague simply disagrees with her regarding the place being unfriendly and she mentioned going out to back up her point.

It's not her fault that the OP's experience is different.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 05/04/2024 16:22

toomanycoffeess · 05/04/2024 16:01

I guess I just didn’t understand what she expected me to do/react?

Beg for an invite - not going to happen, I don’t even want to go - but if I’d been genuinely asked I would have made the effort to go.

Make me feel worse? Maybe … ? But I just smiled and said that’s nice.

It did make me laugh when she said they were really excited. Because I felt like saying - do they not get out much?

Show quote history

It did make me laugh when she said they were really excited. Because I felt like saying - do they not get out much?

What a nasty thought to have about 4 people looking forward to going out together.

Do you never get excited to go out to dinner with people whose company you enjoy?

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 05/04/2024 16:24

In fact your post makes you sound jealous that she doesn't find the people unfriendly.

Bellsandthistle · 05/04/2024 16:29

She arranged a dinner. It’s not like they’re all from your team and you were left out, so I wouldn’t necessarily have expected you to be invited. Invite some colleagues out like she did.

Original poster
toomanycoffeess · 05/04/2024 16:59

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 05/04/2024 16:22

It did make me laugh when she said they were really excited. Because I felt like saying - do they not get out much?

What a nasty thought to have about 4 people looking forward to going out together.

Do you never get excited to go out to dinner with people whose company you enjoy?

Show quote history

I wouldn’t say it’s nasty at all. I look forward to events sure but no I don’t get “really excited” to go out to dinner.

I live in a city and work in a different city. Going out for dinner happens regularly.

OP posts:
Original poster
toomanycoffeess · 05/04/2024 17:02

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 05/04/2024 16:24

In fact your post makes you sound jealous that she doesn't find the people unfriendly.

Of course you’re right. I wanted her to be miserable and have no one to speak to.

OP posts:
Original poster
toomanycoffeess · 05/04/2024 17:06

Bellsandthistle · 05/04/2024 16:29

She arranged a dinner. It’s not like they’re all from your team and you were left out, so I wouldn’t necessarily have expected you to be invited. Invite some colleagues out like she did.

It’s not about being invited or not and I really tried to make that clear in my OP. In my last team I got really close (still am) with two women and we go out a lot and the drama it caused was ridiculous. I would never therefore demand/expect an invite purely on the basis I’m someone’s colleague.

The way it was delivered and said came across as mean and it’s hard to portray it correctly without giving the tone of the conversation.

OP posts:
RockyRogue1001 · 05/04/2024 17:10

It did make me laugh when she said they were really excited. Because I felt like saying - do they not get out much?

That made me smile

bellezarara · 05/04/2024 17:15

YANBU, OP, she's a sly one, watch out for her and don't trust her at all.

Concentrate on making friends by putting in a coffee catch-up with people you work with more closely. Find out if people go for drinks and join them.

Find out who organises team events. Is there social committee? Think about joining.