Colleague is a bit thoughtless?

[toomanycoffeess]

We’re both new but she started around a month before me. We’re the only ones in the team apart from our manager.

Sometimes I’ve felt like the office is a bit unfriendly and I casually mentioned this to colleague (said hello to two people and then looked at me and ignored it) when we went to get coffee together at lunch. And she said well I’ve arranged a dinner with x, y and z from the office and they are really looking forward to it.

Now 100% she didn’t have to invite me to it, it’s really not that. It just seemed a bit harsh to just say it? … If my colleague said I find it a bit unfriendly and I’m struggling to make friends I wouldn’t say well I don’t and I’m having a dinner with colleagues (and basically you’re not invited)

Then today in a team meeting she mentioned the dinner to me again. Saying “oh because you know I’m going out for dinner tonight with x,y and z”

I don’t really get it? My reaction had been to smile and say “that’s nice” and “have a good time”

I get what you mean OP. It seems like she's ranked herself higher than you socially and she's making sure you understand that. You haven't known her very long but I bet she will turn out to be a Queen Bee type who sucks up to the bosses as well.

There is a woman like that at my work. She decided pretty early on that I wasn't worth knowing. She started arranging lunches and drinks but not inviting me (and a couple of others she deemed worthless). Other colleagues would then tell me and invite me to join and her face would be like a slapped arse when I turned up - it was quite funny. She would run around after our boss too, making him tea and fussing over him (she's a solicitor, not a PA). I never did that, he would never make tea for me or anyone else so I'm not acting the maid. When I got promoted she seemed absolutely furious. I still don't know why and I don't care (I'm in my late 40s and no longer give a shit). Silly woman.

How weird. Like 'woo, look at me with my work friends who I see outside of work'. Big flipping deal. I guess it could be that those three are twats so she has a lot in common, or it could be she's forced herself on them and they are just bearing it to be polite. Or, they could be really nice and approachable. Why not try and see which it is?

Watch your back with this one. She's competitive and telling you how much further ahead socially she is than you. Watch this doesn't spill over into professional matters.

Do you just not bother to read replies because that would go against your narrative?

Out of the four people going, I’ve never even heard of two of them, had zero interaction with because they aren’t in my team and we don’t even work on the same floor and I’m only in 2 days a week. So at this point probably not knowing I exist I think their opinion of me would be pretty non existent.

Don’t worry though your own condescending attitude is shining bright.

I have felt like this sometimes and I’ve definitely caught glimpses of it in the professional sense. So interesting that you picked up on that.

Thank you, that’s definitely one of the best things about getting older - not giving a shit. I think not that long ago it would upset me but like I said now I just smile, say that’s nice and wouldn’t dream of asking to be invited.

I think that’s why she brought it up again because she hadn’t got the reaction she wanted anted the first time.

Well done on your promotion btw.

No it is her event. She told me she’d organised it.

100% this! Unkind and a trouble maker...

Oh for goodness sake. Sat there with a sneery faced - were you there in the coffee shop with us?

And what am I sneering at exactly? It was the fact she didn’t just say “I’m going out for dinner with colleagues” it was that she had to add on that they were really excited that made me think it was potentially bitchy/competitive. Not sure how I’m suppose to sneer about people I’ve never met.

She complains to me a lot about wanting to move out but how she’ll never be able to afford a house. I own a house and I don’t say to her “yeah I have a house and it’s amazing” - I sympathise with her about how hard it is and I’ll say have you thought about this or that? Think I’m a terrible person all you want but I don’t see a weakness/unhappiness in someone and try and make them feel worse, I’d rather they felt seen and acknowledged and if I can help then I will.

this is spot on, if things become toxic, move on

I think this is one of those instances that are impossible to judge unless you were there and heard the tone. I can really see it from both sides. It could have been that OP complained about their colleagues being unfriendly, basically saying that this woman's friends were unfriendly. The woman then felt the need to defend them by saying that they are nice and approachable people and that they actually hang out outside of work. If someone came up to me and told me my friends were unfriendly I would also make a point of defending them.

The comment about these people not getting out much because they look forward to spending time with each other also sounds incredibly bitchy so it could be that the OP is giving out better-than-you vibes at work. That is never a good look.

It's dangerous labelling a workplace as unfriendly when it's the place you have to interact with 5 days a week.

I think some of the comments on here are a bit over the top, the colleague didn't even mention she had dinner booked with the others til OP brought up the conversation of them being unfriendly so I'm not sure how that makes her a cow or a nasty piece of work! Would you have preferred she didn't mention it & if you found out later would probably have accused her of keeping it a secret so I think she could win really! Also I don't think there's anything wrong with saying they are excited to go out together.

so she is in a different department and she has arranged a meal with her new colleagues.
she is just telling you this,
nothing to worry about.

take a leaf out of her book and invite your new colleagues out for a meal. be interested in people

What? Where have you got that she’s in a different department from? We are the only people in our team aside from our manager.

Ah OP I would try to distance yourself and not give it much thought, but sadly there are people like this. There is a person in my office who I considered at one time to be my friend but they would also take some kind of weird pleasure out of putting me down, we were also both new to the office but it seemed that when they got more comfortable and aligned themselves with the "popular clique" that they didn't care to be nice to me anymore. The main thing they did was to gleefully announce whenever they were doing something with other work people over and over without provocation. To the point where other people in our office area started to get sick of it. Sometimes they made plans with me (to go cinema to see a specific film I've talked about with them, for example) then suddenly make these exact plans with someone else, and again tell me about it over and over and how excited they are. After a while I realised they weren't a real friend and distanced myself.

It's really weird behaviour and best you can do is ignore it. Some people are just mad. I've worked in so many different lines of work, and far and away "office culture" is the most vicious and mean spirited.

But even if you’re in the same team, her job clearly has more to do with certain other departments if you’ve never even heard of two of the other people going, and they work on another floor, and she’s on good enough terms to go out socially with them? Is she FT, while you’re 2 days a week only? I think that can be isolating.

I never said I was 2 days a week. I work full time. She doesn’t work directly with them, I think she met them at an away day - that happened before I started at the company.

But regardless I’m not sure what this has to do with anything. I don’t care who she goes out for dinner with, I don’t care if she invites me. She’s very entitled to do as she wants. I just felt it seemed thoughtless on how/when she decided to tell me.

Also most people if they knew they weren’t inviting someone to something they don’t tend to bring it up for a second time.

You really wouldn’t find it thoughtless if you confessed to a colleague you found it unfriendly in the office sometimes and they responded that they’d organised a meal with other colleagues and made it obvious that invite didn’t extend to you. And then a few days later decided to remind you of the event again?

You said you were only in two days a week. Regardless of whether you’re WFH or not on the other days, it’s still isolating compared to being in the office more often. Which may of course suit you fine, especially if you have a long commute.

Are there other away days planned? It might make things friendlier if that’s what’s bothering you. Though it’s not entirely clear what’s bothering you. You say you said to her that you found the office unfriendly, which is what prompted her reply, but now it seems it’s her reply that is bothering you, not the unfriendliness of the office? It just doesn’t seem that unlikely she’s found it friendlier, if she’s got to know people on an away day, and has worked there longer…?

If she has worked there for about a month longer than you, that is enough to get her a bit of a head start, so I wouldn't think it is because she is a nicer person than you or anything. I wouldn't let it bother you.

Nasty piece of work OP, we've all encountered one at work. She is getting some perverse pleasure out of your discomfort and is rubbing it in by implying that she's having quite the opposite experience and is ms popular, thus, there must be something wrong with you ! She's started trying to undermine your self confidence and sew the seeds of doubt.

I had one year's ago who always insisted in a faux, helpful way that She'd bring up any of my grievances with the line manager as she had a much better relationship with them than I did. I actually got on very well with my manager but started doubting myself and thinking, may be she's right and knows best.

Moving forward be sunshine and rainbows when you talk with her , she's likely to twist any confidences and use them as ammunition. Usually these are deeply insecure individuals but if you don't keep them in check they can be really dangerous to be around.

oh i got the wrong end of the stick,
she invited people from another department, and the point you are making is, you dont want to go, you dont mind not being invited but you want people to be friendly?

up to you to make an effort, get to know people

ask if you can go, show some interest and dont be aloof and rude about her excitement, it will show

What’s bothering me is that I told a colleague I was a bit thrown/surprised (can’t remember my exact wording) that the office sometimes comes across as unfriendly. She then decided to tell me she’d organised a dinner with people and that the invite didn’t extend to me - not sure how that was suppose to make me feel better?

Then as I’ve already said she went out of her way to tell me about it again on the day. We were on teams and she said “I’m in the office today because I’m going out for that dinner remember?”. I didn’t even ask her anything before that.

Most people would find it awkward to talk about an event to someone they know wasn’t invited or they hadn’t invited them. They don’t tend to repeatedly mention it.

you should have asked if you could go