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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In sickness and in health - WIBU

55 replies

Pickledf · 05/04/2024 12:48

I am posting this as I’m not sure what to think about a situation I’m being asked for an ‘opinion’ on

I will keep it as factual as possible to avoid bias.

Person A met person B on a holiday to Person Bs home country. Fell in love and got married (in later life, person A has two adult children)

As person A was close on retirement age, they agreed to relocate to Person Bs home country - as the cost of living is far cheaper and their state pension goes a lot further there.

6 years later Person As adult child has their first baby. Upon seeing how much they’re missing out, and due to their own health concerns Person A and Person B start to look at moving back to Person As home country.

To do so Person B needs to pass an English language test, and they both need to jump through a lot of hoops to get Person B able to live in Person As home country. They start the process though.

6 months later Person B gets a cancer diagnosis, this pushes back their relocation as recovery takes priority over learning English. 12 months after starting treatment they are cancer free but still very unwell. Person B refuses to seek further medical care though and wants to treat holistically in their own country.

Person A now wants to move back without their spouse, they are missing out on their grandchild growing up, and are concerned the longer they wait, the more likely they themselves might start getting age related healthcare issues and not be able to get back in time to be treated by the superior medical staff in their home country.

However this essentially means leaving their spouse behind.

I am the adult child of Person A and am torn, on the one hand I want to encourage them to make the move as I miss them, but I also feel really bad for Person B, who is seriously unwell and would be left alone, I also feel this is going against the whole in sickness and in health gist of their marriage vows.

So is Person A being unreasonable for wanting to come back?

YABU - Person A should stay with person B

YANBU - Person A should come home, and if that means leaving their spouse behind, so be it

OP posts:
Hoplittlebunnyhophophopandstop · 05/04/2024 12:51

Neither A or B is unreasonable.

Pigeonqueen · 05/04/2024 12:53

Either choice is valid, and I don’t think you should be giving your opinion on this. It has to be their decision. I do think, however, that if the relationship was genuinely very strong and they were still in love then they would choose to be together, however that works. It sounds like there’s been a distancing, maybe they can both try being apart for a while.

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 05/04/2024 12:53

Not an easy situation, but there's no right or wrong, theres going to be some sacrifices and hurt coming up though.

fieldsofbutterflies · 05/04/2024 12:54

Neither of them is being unreasonable, but it sounds like they're not particularly interested in staying together long-term.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/04/2024 13:01

I think we owe it to ourselves to look after No 1, so A has to do what A believes is right.

However where is A going to live ?

CraftyBum · 05/04/2024 13:03

Neither are wrong, but its their decision.

KreedKafer · 05/04/2024 13:15

Neither A nor B is at fault, really. It’s just a case of A deciding what’s more important to them: their marriage or their return to the UK. If it’s their return to the UK, then so be it. And it’s also very reasonable for B not to want to go through a lengthy immigration process and learn English while they’re also trying to live with cancer.

Is B younger than A, by any chance? If so, I’m just wondering whether A was attracted to B partly because they didn’t think they’d end up having to look after them or end up widowed one day, but B’s illness has put a different slant on that and now A is worried that they’ll end up spending their retirement nursing B through a terminal illness and being widowed in a foreign country?

Ponderingwindow · 05/04/2024 13:16

This scenario really drives home the competing focus and life goals that comes with re-partnering once you have children.

as the adult child in this situation you have to stay silent. You can only create stress by expressing your desire to have them return.

when my own parent asks for validation in his own scenario, he gets statements like, “I will support whatever decision you decide to make”

CalisthenicsOnDemand · 05/04/2024 13:19

Person A met and married someone in their home country. I think the onus is on the former to adapt!
However, it might be too late for person B to move if A is from the UK. Spouse visa income requirements have massively increased.

@Ponderingwindow Maybe I'm just bitter and jaded. But I doubt that the 'grandchild/missing out' is the main reason here. Healthcare is probably a bigger concern, seeing the treatment his wife got in the erm 'less superior medical care' country.

Original poster
Pickledf · 05/04/2024 13:23

CalisthenicsOnDemand · 05/04/2024 13:19

Person A met and married someone in their home country. I think the onus is on the former to adapt!
However, it might be too late for person B to move if A is from the UK. Spouse visa income requirements have massively increased.

@Ponderingwindow Maybe I'm just bitter and jaded. But I doubt that the 'grandchild/missing out' is the main reason here. Healthcare is probably a bigger concern, seeing the treatment his wife got in the erm 'less superior medical care' country.

Edited

This is another factor. They’re able to afford the increase put in this year but the next one (the big one) they can’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pickledf · 05/04/2024 13:23

Pigeonqueen · 05/04/2024 12:53

Either choice is valid, and I don’t think you should be giving your opinion on this. It has to be their decision. I do think, however, that if the relationship was genuinely very strong and they were still in love then they would choose to be together, however that works. It sounds like there’s been a distancing, maybe they can both try being apart for a while.

I also agree, and am trying to keep out of it but my parent keeps pestering me - using me as a free therapist tbh!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pickledf · 05/04/2024 13:25

KreedKafer · 05/04/2024 13:15

Neither A nor B is at fault, really. It’s just a case of A deciding what’s more important to them: their marriage or their return to the UK. If it’s their return to the UK, then so be it. And it’s also very reasonable for B not to want to go through a lengthy immigration process and learn English while they’re also trying to live with cancer.

Is B younger than A, by any chance? If so, I’m just wondering whether A was attracted to B partly because they didn’t think they’d end up having to look after them or end up widowed one day, but B’s illness has put a different slant on that and now A is worried that they’ll end up spending their retirement nursing B through a terminal illness and being widowed in a foreign country?

Person B is slightly younger yes, I think this whole process has really hit home how fragile they can be in older age and it’s put some fire under person As bottom to get home: especially seeing how sub par the hospital treatment was for their spouses cancer diagnosis.

Before this they lived in ignorance a bit I feel

OP posts:
Original poster
Pickledf · 05/04/2024 13:26

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/04/2024 13:01

I think we owe it to ourselves to look after No 1, so A has to do what A believes is right.

However where is A going to live ?

A will live in rented accommodation most likely, they’ve asked me to contact a few letting agents (as I’ve nipped the idea of them moving in with me in the bud!)

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 05/04/2024 13:28

I don’t think either is unreasonable and it’s entirely up to them, without outside influences to make the decision.

I also agree that it’s likely seeing the reality of the medical care in the current country compared to their home country, combined with their age, is a massive factor in wanting to return.

BeaRF75 · 05/04/2024 13:28

I think a spouse/partner always has to be No 1 priority in this scenario. "In sickness and in health" is absolutely right. Did Person A really not think about their own old age before committing to living in another country? It sounds like they want the best of all worlds, but that's not possible.

CalisthenicsOnDemand · 05/04/2024 13:29

Pickledf · 05/04/2024 13:25

Person B is slightly younger yes, I think this whole process has really hit home how fragile they can be in older age and it’s put some fire under person As bottom to get home: especially seeing how sub par the hospital treatment was for their spouses cancer diagnosis.

Before this they lived in ignorance a bit I feel

Show quote history

I mean no offence but people from developed countries don't often realise this or potential visa issues. I'm very aware, as an immigrant from a country that used to have 'sub-par' treatment (It's improved massively now). But most people aren't. And then it bites them in the bum.

However what's done is done. If B doesn't even speak English and needs to learn and pass the test with a deadline of what, 6 months (it's already April) then it's a gone case, isn't it? They'll never be able to move.

A should at least stay with them for a little bit longer , as A will always be able to move. But I'm not sure what the residency requirements for using the NHS is. A might well find that our 'superior medical care' while better than current country is still shit and he'll be on a waiting list for a long time.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 05/04/2024 13:41

Could they explore whether it is practical for each spouse to live in their home country as their primary place of residence and then both visit the other for the maximum time allowed as a tourist?

Original poster
Pickledf · 05/04/2024 13:44

BeaRF75 · 05/04/2024 13:28

I think a spouse/partner always has to be No 1 priority in this scenario. "In sickness and in health" is absolutely right. Did Person A really not think about their own old age before committing to living in another country? It sounds like they want the best of all worlds, but that's not possible.

Tbh person A was being a bit of a 90 day fiance.

They wanted to move to a cheaper country for years, and deep down I think used person B to do that.

Let’s just say it person B was my other parent (before they died) person A would never consider leaving them to deal with an illness alone

OP posts:
Original poster
Pickledf · 05/04/2024 13:46

CalisthenicsOnDemand · 05/04/2024 13:29

I mean no offence but people from developed countries don't often realise this or potential visa issues. I'm very aware, as an immigrant from a country that used to have 'sub-par' treatment (It's improved massively now). But most people aren't. And then it bites them in the bum.

However what's done is done. If B doesn't even speak English and needs to learn and pass the test with a deadline of what, 6 months (it's already April) then it's a gone case, isn't it? They'll never be able to move.

A should at least stay with them for a little bit longer , as A will always be able to move. But I'm not sure what the residency requirements for using the NHS is. A might well find that our 'superior medical care' while better than current country is still shit and he'll be on a waiting list for a long time.

Edited
Show quote history

Person B does speak some English, tbh it’s pretty good considering - just not good enough to pass the tests currently if that makes sense

OP posts:
LIZS · 05/04/2024 13:50

Defending on country they are in and health limitations , is B visiting UK feasible?

Original poster
Pickledf · 05/04/2024 13:52

LIZS · 05/04/2024 13:50

Defending on country they are in and health limitations , is B visiting UK feasible?

Not long term, their cancer was related to their sinuses so had been warned about flying and the risks

OP posts:
candycane222 · 05/04/2024 13:52

As a slight aside, it's unfair of your parent to burden you so much with this - this effectively being the consequences of their choices.

I think you very much need to ease back from offering opinions and say things as pps have suggested such as "I really think only you can make that decision between you" and I honestly don't think my opinion should really count here, and anyway Ill support you whatever you decide".

Stop feeding it. They have to own the decision and accept the (different ) negative consequences that sadly will flow from either option, given Bs sad situation and the realities of distance and geography.

WhiteLeopard · 05/04/2024 13:53

Person A sounds a bit selfish in the light of your later posts. Just keep saying "I can't make that decision for you Mum/Dad, you must do whatever you feel is right". Not sure I'd be phoning estate agents for them either - surely they can search online to see what's available?

candycane222 · 05/04/2024 13:54

Nothing can make this "all right". It will inevitably be "part not feeling right at all". That's what A and B both have to accept - from their rather different positions admittedly.

Original poster
Pickledf · 05/04/2024 13:56

candycane222 · 05/04/2024 13:52

As a slight aside, it's unfair of your parent to burden you so much with this - this effectively being the consequences of their choices.

I think you very much need to ease back from offering opinions and say things as pps have suggested such as "I really think only you can make that decision between you" and I honestly don't think my opinion should really count here, and anyway Ill support you whatever you decide".

Stop feeding it. They have to own the decision and accept the (different ) negative consequences that sadly will flow from either option, given Bs sad situation and the realities of distance and geography.

Worst bit - it’s not even a decision between them

Person B has no idea about any of this (yet)

OP posts: