In sickness and in health - WIBU

[Pickledf]

I am posting this as I’m not sure what to think about a situation I’m being asked for an ‘opinion’ on

I will keep it as factual as possible to avoid bias.

Person A met person B on a holiday to Person Bs home country. Fell in love and got married (in later life, person A has two adult children)

As person A was close on retirement age, they agreed to relocate to Person Bs home country - as the cost of living is far cheaper and their state pension goes a lot further there.

6 years later Person As adult child has their first baby. Upon seeing how much they’re missing out, and due to their own health concerns Person A and Person B start to look at moving back to Person As home country.

To do so Person B needs to pass an English language test, and they both need to jump through a lot of hoops to get Person B able to live in Person As home country. They start the process though.

6 months later Person B gets a cancer diagnosis, this pushes back their relocation as recovery takes priority over learning English. 12 months after starting treatment they are cancer free but still very unwell. Person B refuses to seek further medical care though and wants to treat holistically in their own country.

Person A now wants to move back without their spouse, they are missing out on their grandchild growing up, and are concerned the longer they wait, the more likely they themselves might start getting age related healthcare issues and not be able to get back in time to be treated by the superior medical staff in their home country.

However this essentially means leaving their spouse behind.

I am the adult child of Person A and am torn, on the one hand I want to encourage them to make the move as I miss them, but I also feel really bad for Person B, who is seriously unwell and would be left alone, I also feel this is going against the whole in sickness and in health gist of their marriage vows.

So is Person A being unreasonable for wanting to come back?

YABU - Person A should stay with person B

YANBU - Person A should come home, and if that means leaving their spouse behind, so be it

Where they live has very strict internet controls (very strict controls in general) so it’s hard for them to do a lot online

Person A sounds quite frankly, vile. Using and abusing person B and dropping them when the going gets tough. Real nice.

It does sound like your parent has been using B and now wants to ditch them as the going has got rough.

I reckon that they want you to do the legwork with the letting agent to put pressure on you to change your mind and let them move in or otherwise to gain some kind of benefit from you (subsidising their rent?)

I'm amazed that person A did not think about what they'd miss out on when moving to another country before this point.

How long was the relationship/engagement before they git married and moved?

Not to be cruel to you OP (as it must be hard hearing this stuff from your parent) but it sounds very immature and selfish of person A to just leave their adult children to ride off into the sunset and then when real life issues crop up in their new life they expect to just ditch person B and slot back into their old life?

Did person A think things like grandchildren, marriages etc just wouldn't happen because they weren't there? Was there ever a discussion about person B moving to Person As country before the health issues?

Gosh, in light of your updates I would feel pretty uncomfortable about your parent coming back tbh. Though whether or not Id have the guts to say so I'm not sure. Probably not, it probably wouldn't help - and I m sure you love them, flaky as they are.

However in your position I'd also (selfishly) be worried about how much support they would expect from me re-establishing their UK life.

I would be trying to ease back from the intesity of this "secret discussion". Surely it makes you feel a bit icky?

They are very spontaneous as a person, so I quite believe they didn’t give it a minutes thought before packing their bags and moving across the world! Despite having kids that still needed them a bit. But that’s beside the point

Is A someone you would choose to have in close proximity with contact to your dc? You are not obliged to enable them or the consequences of their choices.

That would not be easy for me to forgive and I'd probably give them about as much thought as they gave you.

Poor person B being so ill and then having their spouse decide to leave them to move to another country. They must feel very used. (Or will when jt all comes to light)

I agree.
But even so it's not OP's place to comment.
Also OP does the country have no options for good medical care? Or is it just expensive?

Controversial - but I don’t think “in sickness and in health” applies to later life partnerships. Later life partnerships to me means companionship, friendship, but not “ride or die”.

I mean, you have spent your youth, grown your career, earnt money and had children without this person. So they weren’t exactly there for the “health” bit.

I feel like Parent A has really just found a companion to whom they don’t owe the full commitment of true marriage, due to the stage of life in which they met.

I mean, getting together in old age means that one or both of you is going to have health issues very soon. Do you except this person who met you in your old age to be your committed carer? I wouldn’t.

Sorry for the cynicism.

What about a regular visiting arrangement? Could A come every year for summer holidays? You go to Person B country with the DC sort of every 3rd Christmas? They should get to know both A and B…

Might actually be cheaper than A and B paying two sets of rent, running two households in two countries.

What a load of tosh- why get married then? I’m sure many people get married in later life and genuinely care for their partners. Person A is just a complete shit!

Person A must do what they think best. This is a later life marriage where both parties have strong ties that predate their relationship, such as with their adult children, clear ideas of how they want to spend their lives based on years of life experience, such as prioritising their cultural health care and living in their home country, and (bluntly) limited time left to live their own lives. For this reason, its not quite the same as a lifelong commitment made in youth where you build a life and go through ups and downs together and its entirely possible your parent cares more for you and your child (to be?) than they do for their spouse. And that's OK. As long as you're not putting pressure on, don't feel bad. Your parent knows their mind and is entitled to their choices.

Stay with the spouse. No other option in my mind, that's what marriage is (aware I sound very old school).

if person A wants to move back and leave their spouse behind I’d say the marriage is over anyway. I cannot even comprehend leaving my husband of he were ill. If he just didn’t want to move then that’s different.

Person A sounds as flakey as fuck and should have thought about all of this beforehand. She must have known grandchildren were a strong possibility and that with increasing age so were health issues, for both of them.

Personally I'd tell her to stay put. I wouldn't want that sort of chaos in my life.

I don't know if it's a question of "in sickness and in health" - or at least, maybe it should be, but it isn't to Person A. From the sounds of it, Person A will do what the fuck they want regardless, and probably they always have. I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg with regards to uncaring behaviour that rides roughshod over the other people in their life.

It sucks for Person B of course, there's no sugarcoating that. If Person A can up sticks and leave them so easily they might be better off without Person A in their life, but I guess that doesn't help.

I suspect OP doesn't necessarily want Person A to move home, as she would then have to navigate their selfishness up close.

This is probably the harshest aspect of it all, and if you're to get involved at all you should be telling your parent to talk to their spouse honestly ASAP.

Agree that you shouldn’t get involved. Person A shouldn’t have gotten married if they weren’t fully committed to their spouse, that’s what in sickness and health means. It sounds like they were swept up with the romanticism but now the reality has set in they want to cut and run. Honestly person B is better off knowing that sooner rather than later before they relocate themselves.

For person B it’s a bit of both it seems, medically they can’t move right now, and I think this has made them also reevaluate whether they want to move as well on top

For A the concern is needing care and not being able to get back for that, or worse dying and I am then left with the faff of getting their body back and sorting the split finances out. Which I did impress upon them as an issue before they left but hey ho..

They do visit yearly, I’d not want to visit with DC, have been before they were born but the country is not overly ideal for travel with a toddler let’s just say

Thankfully that won’t be the case, my parent still pays for my phone bill and would rather die than take a penny off of me, but does expect me to do the leg work if it’s easier - they’re not able to access the internet readily in their current home country so it is harder, I’ll give them that!

It's A & B's decision, nothing to do with you. Maybe their marriage isn't as strong as it needs to be.

A bit of both, even the expensive private medical care isn’t as good as the NHS would be, plus the language barrier means my parent is worried about being fully informed in terms of what’s going to happen even if they did pay through the nose.

They sent pictures of the best hospital in their district when person B was getting cancer treatment and it was appalling. Looked like an abandoned hospital from a Netflix horror film