have I become that overbearing needy friend?

[MalibuBarbieDreamHouse]

I need a good unbiased opinion here…

Little backstory, I've always had good friends, but a few years ago, I unexpectedly made a friend through work with whom I clicked. Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with cancer shortly after. Given her limited family and close friends, our friendship became incredibly close, and I provided daily support.

Thankfully, she's now in the clear and doing much better. However, our friendship seems to be fraying. Today, she mentioned that our closeness only happened because of her illness, which I agreed with, but I don't understand why things have to change now that she's better.

For me, our friendship is incredibly supportive and genuine, like a true sisterhood, that neither of us ever had. We spoke openly, enjoyed each other's company, and leaned on each other outside of marriage. Today, she suggested cutting back on our interactions, which hurts.

Our friendship was intense—we spoke daily, planned meeting up at least once a week, and shared everything. We roughly knew each other’s weekly schedules and I knew about every appointment. Now, she's less forthcoming about her appointments, which feels like a rejection.

I feel almost heartbroken. While my husband believes she used me, our friendship is incredibly precious to me. It's like mourning a loss, and the thought of seeing her less frequently feels like I’ll be reopening a wound every time. She believes our friendship will stay the same, but I'm unsure how that's possible. I've grown accustomed to a certain level of closeness. It still feels natural to want to give her a quick call on my way home or drop a text, as she often did for me, but now I can’t.

Am I wrong to feel this way, or am I overreacting?"

That’s really tough OP. Did she not give any indication why or did you ever notice any pulling away before?
I could imagine the friendship intensity naturally lessening after her ordeal but for her to request these boundaries out the blue seems really odd (and upsetting).
What do you think is motivating her?
You’re of course not unreasonable to feel incredibly hurt.

It’s not unreasonable to feel how you feel. I do think unfortunately it sometimes seems to be part of human nature that when a particular difficult experience passes, people want to distance themselves from things/people that remind them of that horrible time in their lives. I wonder if that’s what’s happening here: she associates your friendship with her illness, and she wants to move on. I agree it can feel horribly cruel, and almost as if you were being punished for supporting someone and being a good friend, but it doesn’t necessarily mean she was deliberately using you.

It does also sound like you feel quite intensely about her, so I guess it’s also just possible she’s finding that a bit overwhelming.

Do you think she may be trying to put her illness and how dependent she became on your support, behind her? Sort of starting again?

It’s possible your husband is right and that she did use you. If not, it’s also acceptable to ask for some down time as a phone call each day is way too much and too instense. I have 2 best friends that I’ve known for 18 years and we still wouldn’t speak to each other every single day like that.

It may well be that she values your friendship and wants to continue, but she is not unreasonable to ask not to be in touch with you every day.

Trying to put myself in her shoes, it sounds like she is appreciative of your friendship but is asking for some space in a reasonable way.

Whilst her cancer was the main focus in her life it now sounds like she has time to think about other things and expand her horizons again and she needs a little space and freedom to do that.

Since this friendship is clearly important for you, I'd really try to honour her request and see if you can reset the boundaries to be accommodating to her ask and allow the friendship to naturally evolve to something that works for her in this next phase of her life.

Thank you for your kind and intelligent replies. I truly appreciate all perspectives, my emotions can cloud my judgments and my lovely husband is always biased and I couldn’t bring myself to discuss her with another friend without feeling very guilty.

To answer some questions, I’m fully aware that speaking to a friend everyday is a lot, I’ve never done or (wanted to) before and I’ve maintained friendships for 28+ years. It happened very gradually, until it was very normal and comforting for us and of the evening, if my phone rang I knew it would be her. It wasn’t all illness chat, sometimes just general chitchat, ranting about families etc. It wouldn’t have continued it if it was all one sided.

I couldn’t speak more highly of her, I think she’s an incredible person and I was so grateful to have her in my life. Our toddlers adore each other and I’d actually planned on giving my unborn daughter her name as a middle name, to honour her (but it’s also fabulous and flows beautifully)

It feels very sudden for me, but from the way she spoke it was a long time coming. I have often happily gone out of my way to support her and her family. Her husband has said to me how lucky she is to have a friend like me. So I’m truly at a loss. She did say her other friendships just meet up every 3/4 months or so, for a coffee and an update on their individual lives. Whereas our friendship we were very much in each other’s lives.

I don’t know what to do, I am a respectful person and if that’s the boundary she is setting then it’s set. But it feels like the end for me. I feel like I’m mourning her loss already. I can’t envision a time, I’m going to feel comfortable to give her a quick call or arrange a play date going forward.

To add: I have considered if her decision may be influenced by a desire to distance herself from the trauma of her illness, but unless she spoke about it wasn’t something we spoke about daily. She would tell me she found it hard meeting with her other friends as she would have to dig up the feelings and events of everything she’d been through in the past 3/4 months of her life to update them.

You sound like you were a great friend to her. For me personally, this level of friendship would be too much. I’m quite a private person and find it difficult to share how I feel with even my closest friends. I couldn’t handle weekly calls or meet ups with my sisters or friends.

I don’t think she has deliberately used you, just that her serious illness made her temporarily need a closeness that she now can’t sustain.

I feel almost heartbroken. While my husband believes she used me, our friendship is incredibly precious to me. It's like mourning a loss, and the thought of seeing her less frequently feels like I’ll be reopening a wound every time.

I think this is very intense and you need to look into why you have had this visceral reaction. What need was this friendship filling in your life? Is all well in your marriage/family? Is something else bothering you and you have clung to this friendship to avoid confronting that issue?

It's healthy to have a circle of friends and I wonder whether the intensity of your relationship has been preventing her from creating more time for her other friendships which perhaps she would also like to see flourish in her post-cancer chapter.

Her world has just opened up again, and she will naturally want to reassess her life priorities, goals and where she wants to spread her time and energy.

I really wouldn't take this personally but instead see it as her moving into a healthy and positive phase of her life, in which you can still play a part, although in a different role going forward.

You need to see if you can find happiness and joy for her within you and let those feelings override any of jealousy, slight or possessiveness over her time and attention.

You are certainly not unreasonable to feel hurt that your friend is asking to change the dynamic of your relationship. But she is also not being unreasonable in wanting a bit of breathing room from such an intense friendship.

It sounds like you were a good, supportive friend during a very difficult time in this woman's life. Serious illness has a way of forcing you to reevaluate your priorities, and it's possible that your friend feels that she needs to be more present as a spouse and a mother right now. Maybe she realizes that she was leaning on you a bit too much and doesn't want to play the role of "ill friend that needs support" any longer. There's a power imbalance in any relationship where one person is the "friend in need" and the other is the "designated supporter". Perhaps she's simply feels she needs to recalibrate.

I think your husband's statement that she " used" you is a bit unkind. She leaned on you during a vulnerable time, but all relationships ebb and flow and change over time. Give it time; you may actually find that a less intense friendship will suit you as well.

Honestly? I would view this as her having ended the friendship, sorry.

People are saying that they wouldn’t want that intense a friendship, but clearly she did when it suited her.

It would be one thing if she’d just reduced contact, but to actively say she wants to step back from the friendship sends a very deliberate message. If this was a relationship people would be saying the message was clear. It is here too.

I’m sorry. It’s incredibly hurtful.

But it feels like the end for me. I feel like I’m mourning her loss already. I can’t envision a time, I’m going to feel comfortable to give her a quick call or arrange a play date going forward

If I had read this statement out of context I would have assumed that a romantic partner had broken off your relationship and suggested you "remain friends".

This is a very strong reaction on your part and probably bears a little introspection. Do you really feel that you can't remain friends unless you're in constant contact? Why is that?

I disagree.
If someone tells you that they want to step back then of course your going to feel uncomfortable about making contact because you’ve been told the person wants contact only on their terms.

This is a tough situation for you, OP. It's a joy to have a warm and enjoyable relationship with someone.
From what you describe, though, I think the two of you were actually deriving disparate benefits from the friendship. She was getting help and support through her illness in the absence of other support while you were getting companionship as well as the satisfaction of actively contributing to another's well-being.
Now, it seems that, painful as it is, the benefit she was obtaining has diminished with her recovery whereas you would have expected the companionship to continue.
I have a new friend who is a cancer survivor with some lingering after-effects and a very serious eye problem. She has no family. Last week she said she might have major surgery and I was all set to run around and help and visit and all the rest. I made sure I touched base with her after she saw the specialist only to find out that it was put off and she was cheery and seemingly unconcerned. I realised that I would have to measure my outpouring of feeling and effort so that I wasn't depleted myself.
I would step back now, OP. Let her come to you, and keep it at a lighter level. The hurt will fade. You were a good friend to her, and you will find other good friends in the future.

Having read the replies, this is the one I relate to most. Don't mean she's intentionally ending the friendship, but that may be the end result. Like you say, you're hesitant to approach her now, and I can see why.

This is hurtful. I can't think of advice for you. Just wanted to acknowledge how you're right to be hurt.

True, I can see your point.

At any rate I'd wait for the friend to reach out (though wouldn't be surprised if she didn't do so).

I do feel for the OP; she's obviously very hurt. Still, she says her friend has seen this coming for some time and yet the OP was completely blindsided. Some food for thought there.

Sounds like she has put you in a different lane over time but you had no idea. So, emotionally do the same, move her from the best friend to friend, see what happens lane. Give her what she wants and focus on other people, activities, not to show her anything but for your own life. If she reaches out, great. I wouldn’t end the friendship as she will view that as dramatic/ intense and it will justify her position. The vibe you want is “no problem, see you when I see you!” with sending a meme here and there, no pressure to respond. It’ll be hard but over time you will care less and readjust to what it now is.

Agree re not ending the friendship, it’s possible to just step back and for the friendship to either evolve or to disappear organically.

It sounds like she relied on you for support during her illness but now she's better she's finding the friendship too full on.

I'd say you need to take a step back yourself and decide if you can be happy with a less close friendship.

In a way she has used you although probably unintentionally. For her to feel she has to address it suggests it's no longer working for her and she is willing to risk losing the friendship rather than continue as it is.

I had two friends who I was very close to from school . Right into our thirty's we still spoke several times a week and met at least once or twice a week . A few things shifted for us due to one friends marriage breaking down, the other moving away and me having a child who is disabled. Our priorities changed and now we are friends who meet a few times a year and do the odd catch up on what's ap. I loved that closeness of friendship, the sense of the other person being a part of you and vice versa. When I realised we had distanced I tried to bring it back but the others were ok with where we were and eventually I had to accept what we have now.

It could be that she associates this friendship with the worst time of her life. The intensity and dependence may be the last thing she needs now after months - years of stress and illness. Your friend now has the chance to be light, to be free and move on and it sounds like the friendship became co dependent and unhealthy ( to her)

It is hurtful to you, it sounds like you put your heart and soul into supporting her but looking back do you think you did too much? Got too involved? Too invested?

Almost like a rescuer mode - and now your friend is looking to reset the friendship back to an equal footing, and you are resistant to giving up your key role in her life?

In your place I would thank her for honesty, and let her do all of the running, messaging and arranging. Let her reset the friendship to a level that is comfortable to her. You can then assess and decide if it’s still something you want to invest in, or it’s no longer enough/same.

Personally I would only be putting in the level of support and love into my marriage and children. Are your other relationships suffering? Are you spending enough time on yourself? Family? Work? Study? Other friendships?

A best friend is a rare and lovely thing and it is understandable that you are feeling the pain of her creating distance between you. Unlike a romantic break up there isn't a script for getting over this, she isn't at fault for wanting some space but that doesn't lessen the pain.

It's good that she felt able to speak to you about this and didn't just fob you off or start to ghost you which would have been cruel. Give yourself a breather and follow her lead to see what level of contact she is comfortable with going forward. If you have questions for her about the future of the friendship I wouldn't jump straight into that conversation as it may feel too full on immediately after she's asked for space.

OP I’m in the middle of cancer treatment right now and have a newish friend who has been pretty intense. She messages everyday, sends me stuff, offers to help out and meet up all the time. I respond quite a bit because I do like her and it seems rude not to, but I’m finding I do it to some extent out of obligation. It would seem rude and unkind to her not to and I don’t know a good way to really get things on the setting I would prefer. I do like her. We do have great chats, she is kind and thoughtful, but even as I respond to her now I’m wishing she would be less intense and I’m dreading a little bit what will happen after the treatment stage is over.

I just want to offer this possibility. That she didn’t use you. She felt trapped by the friendship she does hold for you and her illness. And now she has the mental capacity to set things on the more even keel she may have wanted all along but was too vulnerable to hold the line on.

This isn’t to say you’ve done anything wrong. You sound like a lovely person who gave what you could to someone going through a hard time. It’s just that cancer is a bitch of a disease that changes people - and not just those that get it - it’s an unusual and extreme situation and so difficult for most people to read and navigate.

I hope you're doing ok.

I think this is a brilliant post and good to see it from the prospective of someone going through treatment.

OP, it sounds like you've been an amazing friend.

I hope you get well swiftly- it’s a tremendously difficult journey. Please put some boundaries in with your friend, you shouldn’t be dreading the end of your treatment.

Take a big step back if you need to, take much longer to respond to messages, become less available. Tell her you may be quieter than usual because its busy with so many appointments. It’s okay to do things your way, especially now. 💐💐

I think it’s one one of those situations whereby neither of you are wrong.

She probably did value your support during her illness, and you enjoyed that level of friendship. However, now she feels it’s more than she can cope with or wants, and you need to respect that.

i can understand why you feel hurt and that this ‘best friendship’ isn’t so important to her. However, she’s just taking time for herself and everything that has happened to her. Sometimes the effects of cancer hits you afterwards, and not when you are going through the process.