have I become that overbearing needy friend?

[MalibuBarbieDreamHouse]

I need a good unbiased opinion here…

Little backstory, I've always had good friends, but a few years ago, I unexpectedly made a friend through work with whom I clicked. Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with cancer shortly after. Given her limited family and close friends, our friendship became incredibly close, and I provided daily support.

Thankfully, she's now in the clear and doing much better. However, our friendship seems to be fraying. Today, she mentioned that our closeness only happened because of her illness, which I agreed with, but I don't understand why things have to change now that she's better.

For me, our friendship is incredibly supportive and genuine, like a true sisterhood, that neither of us ever had. We spoke openly, enjoyed each other's company, and leaned on each other outside of marriage. Today, she suggested cutting back on our interactions, which hurts.

Our friendship was intense—we spoke daily, planned meeting up at least once a week, and shared everything. We roughly knew each other’s weekly schedules and I knew about every appointment. Now, she's less forthcoming about her appointments, which feels like a rejection.

I feel almost heartbroken. While my husband believes she used me, our friendship is incredibly precious to me. It's like mourning a loss, and the thought of seeing her less frequently feels like I’ll be reopening a wound every time. She believes our friendship will stay the same, but I'm unsure how that's possible. I've grown accustomed to a certain level of closeness. It still feels natural to want to give her a quick call on my way home or drop a text, as she often did for me, but now I can’t.

Am I wrong to feel this way, or am I overreacting?"

OP- I think you've expressed yourself incredibly well and you sound like a truly lovely friend.

I think you are right to pull back and not contact her. But PLEASE dont go running to her again if she does suddenly get in contact needing something from you. You deserve more than being at her beck and call when she needs something- its not fair on you.

Personally, if it were me, I'd drop the rope entirely and mentally place her at a distance. For me, there would be no coming back from someone telling me they didnt want contact when I had previously been there for them through cancer. Perhaps you're just not really compatible as people or perhaps you never even got to see the "real" her as maybe she was different when she was ill. Its quite possible that how she is now is her proper "normal" and the ill personality never really existed in any meaningful sense other than as a way to cope at the time.

Either way, you have done nothing wrong so look forward to the future and all the potential new and wonderful friends you are sure to make.

Sorry for your loss - your friend sounds very unkind. It will take you time to get over this, I'm sure

Hi, OP. It's great to read your update and, tbh, how the friendship evolved and developed is completely understandable. As are your 'sisterly' feelings towards her/the friendship.

In reality, none of us know this woman. We don't know whether she is someone to intentionally take advantage (and knows the right things to say at the right time) or whether she was truly genuine and is now just recalibrating.

After all, lovebombing and future faking can happen in all types of relationships - not just romantic ones. But they're often not malicious and are often driven by intense emotions that can't always be sustained in the long term.

Also, don't forget that people here have shared their experiences, opinions and reflections. But none of us are you and none of us are her. And none of our experiences will exactly replicate yours. After an intense discussion on here, it can feel like the outcome is obvious and inevitable. But the only person whose perspective is actually relevant to you is hers and she hasn't contributed here.

There is no need to 'fall out' with her over this. She has asked for a photo of your daughter as a flower girl. Maybe her request for a photo was the equivalent of a "Let's do lunch" that's never going to happen but I would send one. I, personally, wouldn't 'drop the rope' entirely because, once the dust has settled, maybe things will find a way forward. But I would leave the ball in her court for now generally.

I think some people here may have got the impression she'd pulled away from the friendship completely but, from your update, it doesn't sound as though that is the case.

Maybe she really is just saying that daily phone calls and weekly meet ups are too much for her now!

And finally, I'm not surprised to read you say that you have people pleasing tendencies. One of my friends is a proud, self proclaimed people pleaser and I see the harm it causes her and, tbh, the extent to which her behaviour gets right on other people's tits at times! 😉 She sees no fault in it and thinks she just has a better moral compass than others.

She's currently going through a grievance procedure in her workplace - the third in six years and it essentially boils down to the fact she thinks she is nicer than everyone else and everyone else should be more like her. But the actual problem is that she has terrible (no) boundaries and gets upset when others do. She's detailed the (multiple and lengthy issues) to me each time it's happened and, honestly, none of her grievances have been upheld and she's just been 'forced' to get a new job and leave each time. The same will happen this time too.

Anyway, that's an aside. But I am going to send her a link to that book recommended upthread!

Take care of yourself first and foremost. Watch people's actions and not their words and good luck.

So sorry OP.

I can't speak for the reason why or how she feels but I can say that you have every right to feel sad and grieve your friendship.

I'd give her space and see what happens. Have you both discussed boundaries like how many times she wants you to ring or meet up?

Personally, I couldn't be doing with being told how many times I'm allowed to ring or to be told I'm going to be seeing my friend every 3 months.

I would be worried every time I rang and received no answer, where they looking at the phone and not answering etc.

You deserve someone who appreciates everything that you are as a friend.

Also, I may not name my daughter after her unless you've already told your friend.

Has she just started dating someone?

I understand why you are feeling so hurt op. I have been there, though in a different context. But I mourned the loss of what I thought was a close and genuine friendship. I had asked the person in question to be godparent to my youngest daughter and I had huge admiration and respect for her. It was not easy.

I think that perhaps you have to accept, at least at this stage, that you won't know why she is stepping back. She has made it clear that she wants to, and you have to honour that. It may be that the friendship recovers - friendships do wax and wane, in my experience. Or it may be that your husband was right and she was using you (whether consciously or otherwise; it was a tough time for her). It may be that she simply isn't the person you thought she was, or she was only that person for a while and during very stressful times while being treated for cancer.

Acceptance is hard, and I think you have to allow yourself time to feel sad, grieve the loss and rebuild yourself.

A phone call everyday does seem a bit much to be honest. So I can see why she would want to cut back a bit. It does also seem a bit like she used you. But she probably didn't even realise it at the time. You were supporting her and so calls, messages, meet ups were all the time. But now she doesn't need support she is maybe finding you a bit smothering. And possibly a reminder of the tough times she's trying to put behind her.

It sounds like you enjoyed supporting her and you still want to keep on that role. But she maybe wants to move on from that. I think I would try and back off a bit. A weekly call maybe. Meet ups every now and then. I can see why you are hurt by what she's said. But can you also see that maybe calling every day to check if she's ok is a bit much if she is now well?

This is so very weird and sad OP - I'm sorry it's turned out this way for you and, from what you've written, I can't see where you went wrong.

I have a lovely group of long-term friends but I too had a strange experience with someone I thought I was very close to.

We met when my second DC was at nursery and became very close, I thought. I remember finding the playground politics at my DS's primary a bit hard to deal with and confided in her over that quite a few times. Her eldest was my youngest's BF at the time, so she hadn't yet had experience of school-mum life.

She's probably the only person I've ever said the words "I'm really glad I met you" to and "You're the only person I feel I can really open up to about these things" etc.

We were very close, so I thought, for about three years, and then she just started distancing herself and I couldn't understand why. The crunch came when I was chatting to a mutual friend who mentioned something that had happened at a big housewarming party she'd had six months previously...which we knew nothing about!

I didn't confront her but stopped any contact we still had there and then. A few months later I got off a bus and she was standing at that bus stop. I said a friendly hello and then asked if everything was ok as I never seemed to see her anymore.

To my surprise she said "Well as you know there have been issues between our DDs", but when I pressed her for details she fudged over them.

I'll never really understand what happened, but she still lives close to me and I see her regularly walking her dog, although mom
She's now divorced.