have I become that overbearing needy friend?

[MalibuBarbieDreamHouse]

I need a good unbiased opinion here…

Little backstory, I've always had good friends, but a few years ago, I unexpectedly made a friend through work with whom I clicked. Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with cancer shortly after. Given her limited family and close friends, our friendship became incredibly close, and I provided daily support.

Thankfully, she's now in the clear and doing much better. However, our friendship seems to be fraying. Today, she mentioned that our closeness only happened because of her illness, which I agreed with, but I don't understand why things have to change now that she's better.

For me, our friendship is incredibly supportive and genuine, like a true sisterhood, that neither of us ever had. We spoke openly, enjoyed each other's company, and leaned on each other outside of marriage. Today, she suggested cutting back on our interactions, which hurts.

Our friendship was intense—we spoke daily, planned meeting up at least once a week, and shared everything. We roughly knew each other’s weekly schedules and I knew about every appointment. Now, she's less forthcoming about her appointments, which feels like a rejection.

I feel almost heartbroken. While my husband believes she used me, our friendship is incredibly precious to me. It's like mourning a loss, and the thought of seeing her less frequently feels like I’ll be reopening a wound every time. She believes our friendship will stay the same, but I'm unsure how that's possible. I've grown accustomed to a certain level of closeness. It still feels natural to want to give her a quick call on my way home or drop a text, as she often did for me, but now I can’t.

Am I wrong to feel this way, or am I overreacting?"

Hi @MalibuBarbieDreamHouse
I have been in a very similar situation to yourself only slightly reversed… long story…
Someone I considered a friend but we weren’t close moved to the village where I live just before Covid after her relationship broke down, as she was on her own with her DD (who was friends with my DD) we ended up getting quite close. During lockdown we formed a ‘bubble’ spending lots of time together and speaking pretty much everyday. She started a new job, met someone and fell pregnant but her relationship didn’t work out, so I supported her as much as I could through pregnancy etc. She was diagnosed with cancer shortly after her second child was born, obviously I was there to try and support her where I could, however after 3 months she just stopped responding to my messages, went completely no contact whatsoever. That lasted for 7 months until one day out of the blue she messaged me asking if I wanted to meet for coffee, we chatted and reconnected although it felt very awkward on my part, fast forward a year and she no longer speaks to me again, no idea why.
It’s difficult as you are grieving a friendship.
My partner also said she used us and not to go running back but I always do.
I completely understand what you are going through and sending you hugs

Could it simply be that as she gets her life back on track she just has less time available and needs to fit more in?

It's not the same, but when I was a sahm I spoke to a couple of friends daily but when I returned to work it dropped to weekly if that, and one of them confronted me about it. It wasn't that I cared less, I just had less time to fit everything in and the daily chit chats were becoming a source of pressure.

It's normal for friendships to wax and wane, but you do seem very intense, could you try broadening your friendship circle or trying some new hobbies?

Ultimately you need to decide if the friendship can adapt and survive or if uts ran its course. I dont believe she has used you, I think your friendship was very real but she just needs some breathing space to figure out what's next for her

I think I'm going to agree with this. You sound like a lovely friend and yes, to be honest you do sound a but intense but it seemed like all the while she was ill she benefited from your attention and now she is well she doesnt want it.

Thats a little bit off to my mind. She could have at least sat down and had an honest chat with you about her reasons for wanting space if she was feeling smothered. That can be done kindly and respectfully. But she didnt did she?

If I was you I would back off but I would be ultra aware if she suddenly starts wanting more contact when she has a problem again, because if she does this then that indicates she's using you and thats not kind or what a good friend would do. You cant pick people up off the shelf just when it suits you.

It's understandable that you're hurt OP, but as others have said, your reaction seems disproportionate particularly given this is a relative short friendship.

I would do some exploring of your feelings to work out why you've had this reaction.

This sort of thing can be incredibly complex, chances are you won’t know exactly what’s going on in her head ever, but it seems pretty clear that something has changed for her. Upsetting as this is I think you have to respect this and take a step back, I agree though that I’d be taking a proper step back and leaving her to initiate contact for the foreseeable. It may seem awful now but it will get easier over time and I am sure you’ll find new friends.

This sounds very intense. You need to respect her desire to pull back. I do think she relied on you when ill, but that’s surely only natural and now she’s better, she wants to be less dependent. I’ve had it happen to me, people being very intense wanting my whole time then pulling back when they no longer need me. I learned to not be overly involved and I’m now wary of intense friendships. It’s hurtful when you’ve invested time and emotions but the friendship may evolve. Give her space to breathe.

My dad used to quote someone (don't know who):

"I don't know why he hates me, I've never done him any good"

I've been friendship binned twice. I don't think you'll ever fully understand why.

Could it simply be that as she gets her life back on track she just has less time available and needs to fit more in?

This is how I see it tbh.

I also don't want to speak out of turn or upset anyone, however, there are a couple.of people on here who've shared experiences of going above and beyond even to their own detriment at times who feel used when the other person has pulled away.

There are undoubtedly people who intentionally take advantage of others and who are aware that they are doing this at the time and simply don't care about the imposition.

My feeling is though that the majority of people will take advantage of the help and support being offered (rather than the person themselves) during an exceptional time. Once that support is no longer necessary, it is natural to not draw on that support any more because it isn't needed.

What they don't often realise is that 'offering support' for some people is an important facet of their personality. Some people like to be the person who swoops in and rescues which is why extreme patterns of 'selfless' behaviour are seen..

For those peole, when the need for support is reduced or withdrawn, rather than being able to find a more sustainable friendship model, they feel 'lost', rejected and hurt because their support is not longer required rather than being pleased for their friend that it is no longer needed. Their support was, in fact, not selfless at all because it met a need in them.

As an example, I was in a desperate situation when my ex husband and I got together. Truly desperate. He is a rescuer by nature. And he absolutely did rescue me from the situation I was in. There is no doubt in my mind that, without his relentless support, I would not be in the position I am in now. In that sense, I also needed some to 'rescue' me. Or at least enable me to find my own way out.

However, as time went on, I needed that level of support less and less, which was appropriate as it was an unhealthy dynamic. He really struggled with this and my growing independence rather than being something to celebrate or ease his 'burden' was one of the things that ended our marriage.

He is now with someone who is 'needier' than me. My son once made the observation that he could see why it works with her when it didn't with me - "She is needy and dad needs to be needed".

Not a criticism of either of them - they're far happier than he and I ever were!

But there was nothing wrong with me 'needing' him less either.

Supporting me met a need in him. He didn't do it out of the goodness of his heart.

Sounds like she took comfort in talking to you every day, during a dark part of her life. She was sick and her phone was her life line to a friendly voice. Now she's better and healthy, she wants to go out and enjoy life again. She doesn't want the restraints of calling/messaging you daily. I would step back and give her space. See if she messages to meet up. Meeting up monthly with a few messages a week is still a friendship. Try filling in your time with other friends and hobbies.

@GreyCarpet wise words.

OP, if I use the word "ego" it doesn't mean I think you're selfish or anything, but just like with in love, there's a lot of ego-needs and self identity stuff going on in a friendship.

Also, have a think about giving your child her name, are you sure? It might lead to a permanent mind-groove which could hold you back.

Is there a chance, OP, that she is trying to put her cancer behind her and feels that your relationship is very anchored in it? Could you suggest just meeting up to do something fun - comedy night, cinema, bowls etc - where you are not focused on ‘talking’ but about actively having a laugh? It may not be about you, but about wanting to put that part of her life behind her and move forward?

I agree with those saying that your friendship evolved in a way that suited you both while she was unwell, but no longer suits her. I would hate to feel obligated to call a friend every day - it would feel very artificial to me, and I would crave the freedom to just not call that day and not meet up that week.

I think your husband is being harsh, but he is on your side and that is the way he sees it. Plus he may be a little jealous of the attention that you were directing at your friend instead of him, and he may be happy to put the boot in a bit.

I would very much focus on other friendships - you now have the freedom to do so, and it is healthier not to have all your eggs in one basket.

Anyway, this is why I think boundaries in friendships (on both sides) are so important.

Don't give more than you are comfortably able to physically, mentally, emotionally, financially etc. Be prepared to say, "No," if it is too disruptive to your own life, family or peace of mind.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm and remember that you can't pour from an empty cup (and any other appropriate metaphors that exist for this very reason!)

I think if she wanted to end the friendship, she would have said. I think she just needs the headspace to recalibrate and take stock of everything that's happened.
It's cool, don't take it personally, take a step back as well. Just settle into the new status quo of a text and a meet up now and again, no need to get all dramatic and end a good friendship.
I don't think she used you, but if you work together she must see quite a bit of you anyway? So I think she just wants to get the friendship back to how it was when you both first met, that's fine, and a healthy sounding friendship. It's never good to become reliant on one person.

Supporting me met a need in him. He didn't do it out of the goodness of his heart

This is a very fair point. However, if this friend meets another problem down the line and then wants the OP to step up her attention again then to me, that does show her in not a very good light. It would indicate a bit of using mentality.

I absolutely feel your pain …I had a bestie for 24yesrs told each other everything…we fell out but I won’t go into that I miss her terribly 8 years on …I was an amazing friend to her so I get it …I also have another friend who has started a new job and all I hear is sue this sue that her new friendship has put me on the back burner we no longer chat daily or meet up as often it really hurts so no your not being an over bearing friend xx

Hey @MalibuBarbieDreamHouse sending a hug, because this is painful stuff and all about attachment.

I think, in the heat of an extreme and scary time, your friend/ex friend did use you. She took the love and support which was offered at the time and, now she is more up on her feet, she doesn’t need it so much and therefore you are not so useful. It must feel like an awful shock. However she won’t have planned it or intended it like that - in exceptional circumstances everything looks different and people behave in ways they might not on an ordinary day.

You will need to mourn the loss of this and reflect on what this longing for intimacy means for you in terms of your early childhood attachment/current relationships. But it is not bad or needy to want intimacy. Some people want that and some people don’t. This friend only wanted it at a certain time and on her terms. She was probably terrified and wanted that constant comfort. In a way she was behaving a like a child to your mother (which you reflect in your desire to name your child after her). These things seldom stay the same.

Let go and mourn and look after yourself and reflect lots. Tell her you will need more space too if that’s true. Your longing to give and support is a beautiful one - never feel bad or needy about that.

Absolutely, I would agree with that too.

If the friendship continues but with a healthier dynamic then she might call on her again as she values her and her support and can trust her. At this point, it would be up to the OP to have firmer boundaries in place next time and to only give the supprt she feels able to give comfortably.

But if the friendship actually cools and she comes out of the woodwork in times of trouble, that would be very different.

I think your situation is different. You literally went from having the time to not having the time in literally a second. Which is understandable , you wasn't letting your friends down or being rude. however i think in ops case directly saying I think we should speak less is super hurtful. If she is super busy now and her life had picked up then that's all she has to say. op, I think your friend is a user. I'm sorry I do. Unless there's a good enough reason which is fine if her life is changing there's no issues there at all, all she has to do is talk to you and explain what's going on. That's the part that's wrong and as for your hubby being biased. I'm glad. He's got your back.. sounds like your real best friend is right next to you which is what you deserve op. 💕💕💕💕

I'd say that she doesn't need you anymore. Sorry

You were useful, she needed support when she was ill. You filled that role well and I'd imagine she appreciated it. However she's better and doesn't want the reminder of those years.

Stuckinthemiddle7890

They were speaking daily though, messaging daily, knew each other's weekly schedules, meeting up weekly. That is very intense.

I suspect from the friend's perspective, it does look similar to mamajong's experience.

She may be back at work now, she may have resumed hobbies, she may have picked up social activities with her other friends again too and she may just enjoy peace and quiet and not want to have catch up phone calls every day anymore. She might just enjoy being at peace or spending time sitting in her garden drinking tea, looking at the flowers and watching the brids. After all, there's a point when she might have believed she'd never get to do that again... and she might not even be able to articulate all of that.

We don't know exactly what the friend said because people don't always recreate communications verbatim or faithfully when summarising and so they will be naturally biased.

Yeah I think this is the issue. I can understand why the friend wants to reduce contact but don’t think it’s been handled so well or tactfully.

She could have tried to reduce contact subtly or worded it a bit differently and said she has so much to catch up on so she might not be as available from now on for daily chats but she’d still like to keep the weekly meet up going or something?

Unless of course she has tried that and she felt it wasn’t working and then her last resort was to be a bit blunt. But this is now going to have the effect of making all contact between them a bit awkward and guarded.

And what happens if she goes through another crisis in life - with her health or otherwise ? Will she contact OP and tell them their original model of friendship is back on?

Unfortunately I think to some extent she did use you, OP!

I haven’t experienced any serious health issues thankfully, but I have had periods of my life battling issues at work etc where I’ve had daily catch up with supportive colleagues who became like sisters to me. I couldn’t imagine just telling them I didn’t want to speak to them as much once the situation was resolved. However, contact did reduce anyway in a very organic natural way.

Today, she mentioned that our closeness only happened because of her illness, which I agreed with, but I don't understand why things have to change now that she's better

Sorry but I think this is really unkind of her. What was she hoping to achieve from saying this. She didnt complain about it when she was getting support did she?

Today, she suggested cutting back on our interactions, which hurts

Was there no explanation as to why- did she not even thank you for being there for her during her most difficult time?

I think she sounds like a user. Your intensity was fine for her when it suited her and now she's better she's making excuses like "we were only close due to my illness"- thats a pretty shitty way to minimise all the support you gave her. Then to just cut back interaction without even an explanation. She isnt a decent person in my book. Nothing at all wrong with needing space from people but you dont treat "friends" like that- you talk to them and phrase it in a kind manner.

I have had periods of my life battling issues at work etc where I’ve had daily catch up with supportive colleagues who became like sisters to me. I couldn’t imagine just telling them I didn’t want to speak to them as much once the situation was resolved. However, contact did reduce anyway in a very organic natural way.

Likewise but we all acknowledged that our very close working relationships (that were observed and commented on by colleagues) had been driven by circumstances and daily contact reduced when it was no longer needed.

I'm still closer to them than I've been to any other colleagues and trust them implicitly. But if one had continued to try and phone me every day after work, I can see that I might have felt the need to say it was no longer necessary. As it was, we all acknowledged that together!

I can hear the hurt in your thread. You’ve been treated appallingly. You did more than most friends would do, and it sounds like she changed from a friend to a user/cf.

You are not unlikeable, far from it, but you were a supportive friend to her and her kids. They’ll probably value the input, support (and stability) you brought to their lives.

sending virtual hugs to you.