Newborn stress

[readingismycardio]

Hi everyone,

I don't even know what I want from this post, so please, have a little patience with me. This is basically a long rant. My baby boy was born in March, after a long time of heartbreak, infertility and loss.

I am not crazy, I never thought it's going to be easy, but I never thought it was going to be this hard, either. It all started with a traumatic c-section, a lot of blood loss, a massive wave of hormones and crying and pain. My baby boy is perfect and I could see that, but that maternal instinct everyone talks about only hit weeks after. I was caught completely unprepared (and shockingly, terrified of the baby, tbh!)

For a week after c section I had the most awful brain fog, combined with sheer panic, I honestly constantly thought I’d die.

My milk came in many days late and it was never enough. I spoke with a few lactation consultants who kept telling me to not give formula, but that wasn't an option - my baby wouldn't latch properly, milk wasn't enough and he was losing weight (and his birth weight wasn't great to begin with - almost 3 kg)

So, we topped up with formula, and we still do. I pump as much as I can, but whatever I did (supplements, tea, water, you name it, I did it), I only pump just enough to give him 3-4 out of 8 meals a day, about 40 ml at a time - which obviously, isn't ideal, and pumping is time consuming and ruins bonding with my baby. I have blamed myself SO MUCH for not being able to exclusively breastfeed.

Besides that - he is a fussy eater - he eats anywhere between 70 ml - 100 ml, cries during feeding (we started giving him colic medicine), and eats super slow (30-40 min/bottle). I wonder if this is normal for a month old baby. No medical reason, but I am still scared. However, he started gaining weight steadily and I am happy about it.

He is a decent sleeper - either contact naps or in his cot, which I’m not fussed about, I know it’s way too early for sleep training.

I have such an amazing husband, and a truly amazing marriage based on love and respect, but since baby came we have been fighting SO MUCH due to panic and sleep deprivation. He is doing his best, though.

I feel that we had such a difficult journey so far and I never got to enjoy my baby. Everyone tells you how magic and natural breastfeeding is, and how amazing is having a newborn - so probably my expectations were unrealistic to begin with.

I am tired, overwhelmed, we try to keep on top of household chores but even that is super hard (my mom helps a lot too - but she works full time and she is drained too by this point). I feel that with the long time for feeding, contact naps, walk outside and bath time I barely get time to eat or shower. It’s a neverending cycle of stuff to do.

Please, if you have any advice on how to make my life easer (even items we could buy!), or even a handhold. Is this going to get better? When? I know I sound whiny and probably am; but I am exhausted.

First of all, congratulations on your new arrival. Secondly, it is normal not to bond for days, weeks or even months after arrival. Thirdly, IT IS HARD!

In terms of tips - if pumping is taking away bonding time/making you more stressed, stop. My little one was tiny when born (5lb 1oz) and was a nightmare to feed. Took ages and didn’t drink much. I was in the same position as you feeding-wise (breast then topping-up every feed with formula and pumping in between) and it was exhausting. I gave up after 3 weeks as I realised he wasn’t bothered by breast or bottle and it was ruining my bonding time with him. There is no shame in solely formula feeding. Your partner can also help feeding-wise too.

Buy a prep machine - makes making bottles easy and stress-free.

I hope the fog starts to clear and you start to enjoy motherhood. Remember - you are superwoman!

This made me cry. Thank you so so much. You are superwoman, too!

What prep machine are you recommending? I kept looking at baby brezza, but it has so many bad reviews regarding safety (even a canadian lawsuit!) thanks so much!

I remember with DS1 when my mum left after a week. DH got home from work and asked what I'd done today. I said I'd emptied the dishwasher. I'd obviously also fed, created milk, changed and looked after our baby - but I looked back and thought that was odd. It was the least important thing I'd done.

Concentrate on breastfeeding and then giving a top up afterwards (not the other way round). If you're tired, it's best not to do contact sleeping in case you fall asleep too. Pop them in the basket.

Also try and get out; do you have a postnatal group. Is there someone else with a small baby that you could meet at the park or have a coffee with. Friends who you can go round to?

It gets much better around the 6 week mark.

I was in the exact same position with my eldest one. Worried in case I wasn't breastfeeding right, was he getting enough fluids. I started him on the bottle and slowly started to feel a bit more human. Its not easy and it took me weeks to bond with him.....he's now nearly 19 years old and taller than me!!!! Good luck and here if you want to talk x

Great advice re cosleeping - thanks! I only do contact naps during the day and fully awake!

Tbh - no close friends with small babies and frankly no one bothered to keep in touch as much as before. I feel a bit isolated too.

Re: the fighting - honestly, this was us too.

My husband did so much for us, but there was a limit on what he could do, and because you naturally spend so much time with the baby, you feel like he's doing things wrong that he should do right. Even though he's not even done anything wrong... And his freedom is more, right at a point when he owes you more than it's possible to owe someone.

There's no way around it except to give each other time. The balance will be redressed. At 5 months now, things are so much more equal here.

It helps if your husband makes a big effort not to take things personally.

This sounds completely normal.

It’s full on - but you sound like you have found solutions and your baby is thriving. Hurrah!

Dont stress about breastfeeding. It’s not as easy and straightforward as they let on. Fed is best etc.

At this stage I was completely overwhelmed also. It just gets better in time. The house is a mess, the meals aren’t the best, you need a break.

Find ways to have a break. Go for a walk without the baby, coffee at the local cafe. Go for a swim while they wait outside. Accept any help anyone offers. The weather is getting better - sit in the sun. Is DH back at work? Get them to take a day a week holiday to help.

I found it all got much better at 4 months.

Ime prioritise your shower.. Feeling clean and some clean clothes on will make you feel better instantly...
Dh used to take ds from say 5am until I got up for the school run at 7/7.30..those 2 magic hours kept me sane all day.

@shellyleppard thank you so, so much!

@thecatsthecats that's great advice, thank you. He really makes a lot of effort, helps with everything, even wakes up for one feed and lets me sleep for 5 hours. I am trying. But I miss our relationship and intimacy so, so much.

@MidnightPatrol he's back on Monday but WFH so he can help when he takes small breaks! Thanks so much!

@Daffodilsarentfluffy I definitely am! In the morning DH takes care of the baby while I shower, eat, put a bit of make up on and take my supplements! It helps a lot! Thanks so so much!

❤️💐

We have the Tommie tippee perfect prep machine. We clean it weekly and replace the filter every 3 months, haven’t had any issues. I know there have been some cleanliness issues with it but I do think if you are conscientious with it it’s fine!

Good luck!

@merriadock thanks so much, looking into it now!

Aww congratulations!!

My little boy is 17 months now, but I felt exactly the same. I never expected an easy ride but it was 10 times harder then I ever expected. I used to cry my eyes out and think “why have I done this, I used to have a lovely life, why didn’t I wait another year”.

I promise you’ll start to get the hang of things, I found it really hard when we had days of doing nothing “productive” for example contact naps, feeding baby, dressing baby - when really we’re caring for babies, that’s the most important job at that moment in time. Dishes will get done, washing will be done - you’ve just got to keep your head down and get through these first few months and honestly by 6-7 months it was a dream. Summer days with your baby are soon coming!!

Congratulations and it does get better!

have a look at Tommy tippee perfect prep, had it for both kids, one was more bf and one more formula but doesn’t seem to have made much difference now.

its ironic that the pregnancy hormones do you dirty as soon as the baby is here, as the better weather arrives it’s definitely worth trying to get outside for a little bit.

baby groups can be a bit over rated, but Childrens centres sometimes have lovely classes. I relocated when my son was small and made myself a promise I had to talk to one new person every day, even just to say hello.

good luck and it does get better - enjoy the bits you can, rather than the impossible every moment

If I could talk to myself 23 years ago I would tell me that not breastfeeding would not impact on my son - strappingly healthy, first class honours, DofE Goldberg - AT ALL.

Both of mine are walking adverts for formula feeding. I was well rested and mostly enjoyed the early months, even after cs with DS2. Bottle feed and don’t worry about it!!!

Your baby is warm, clean, fed and loved. You are doing a FANTASTIC job. You are a great mum and you are doing brilliantly.

It is sooo hard. My children are teenagers now, but I've never, ever forgotten how incredibly hard it was when I had my first. The shock of how relentless it was, how exhausting, the constant crying (me as well as the baby!!) and the awful worrying. I was always worrying, about whether she'd had enough milk or whether she was ok, was she happy. I argued lots and lots with my DH. I sometimes found it boring and frustrating and repetitive. We took a long time to adjust. I felt lonely a lot of the time.

It gets better, very slowly. You adjust to it, and you get stronger, and you learn to be the new person that you are now that you have a baby.

If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself to take each day or hour at a time, slow down and accept that each day will have challenges but so long as baby is fed and warm it will all be ok. We muddle through and do our best. One thing is for certain and that is that you are your baby's world, he loves you and is happy being with you and will thrive with your love and care.

OP your post really resonated with me… I am a little way behind you (DS is 16 days old) but it is so much harder than I anticipated- I seem to have plenty of milk but breastfeeding is a hard slog… takes ages and my son only sucks a few times before falling asleep, loses his latch then screams to get back on over and over again! He’s been on and off the boob since 2pm today. I just wanted to acknowledge how tough it is. I’m worrying all the time if he’s ok, if he is hurting himself when he throws himself around trying to latch on! Family keep saying I am doing well and never felt less like I am!

It's early days, it will get easier. Hang in there. It's hard having so little time to recover or to do anything. Go easy on yourself and your husband. Let the housework slide, just do the minimum of cooking, washing up and laundry. Everything else can wait. Prioritise sleep, personal hygiene, whatever makes you feel better in the short term. Try and get out and about for short walks or to groups if you feel like it. Stop breastfeeding or at least stop pumping, there is literally no point putting yourself through this, any benefits are outweighed by the exhaustion and stress if it doesn't come easily.
The maternal feelings will come, don't worry. If you think you might be depressed seek help from GP or HV.
Most of all, don't feel guilt for the way you feel. It's often said that the more difficult it was to conceive the baby, the more difficult the mother finds it to adjust, purely because of the pressure to love every second etc. Let go of that and accept the way you feel.
Honestly in a few weeks or months things will be so much easier and more rewarding.

Formula/ bottle feeding was my saviour! Trying to breastfeed, pump & bottle feed was an absolute nightmare for me and I was so happy when I gave it up. Congratulations!

I found acceptance to be the big thing for me. I too had a c section then found the first two or three months a huge struggle in every way, trying to keep the baby happy, worrying about every little thing he did, worrying about the house being tidy etc etc. When we both finally got the hang of breastfeeding he then would spend hours feeding on and off. I felt so tired, trapped and frustrated but after getting some advice from others I accepted that for the first few months of my babies life this was just how life was going to be, that I wouldn't manage to get much done but actually for that time, it was OK.
Things change so quickly with babies and I found that for me, going with the flow, listening to my instincts and doing whatever made my life easier at that time made things better for me.

Ah those first few weeks/months are A LOT. It's a huge adjustment.

You and your partner need to give each other as much love and support as possible. You are each others strength.

Forget the silly things like house work. Just do the essentials atm.

In terms of baby feeding, you probably already have but have you tried different bottles/teats?

You say there is no medical reason for the feeding stuff, does this include a tongue tie being ruled out?

Do not get in your own head about breastfeeding. You have tried and that is amazing. It doesn't always go to plan and that is fine.

Honey, I feel you! We're told how magical and special everything is aaannd it's hard! Really bloody hard. The fact you care so much about these things, shows me that you're already doing a wonderful job and you're a fantastic mother. Congratulations, keep it up and stop being so hard on yourself.
My advice:
Look after yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
If someone offers to help you, take them up on it.
Don't sweat the small stuff. In a few years time, some of these things will really matter and as it turns out, some won't 🤷🏼‍♀️ Don't fret and worry over inconsequential things, you need your energy for the big things!

And remember, you and your partner are on the same team! Even if you have a different approach or opinion, you both want what's best for you child so take a step back and really hear each other.

It's hard OP, you are recovering from major surgery. If you had had similar surgery without the baby you would be in bed and recovering slowly. We put too much pressure on ourselves as new mums.
Breastfeeding is natural yes, but natural doesn't equal easy. Labour is natural but far from easy! You are doing your best and that is absolutely good enough. If it helps your emotional health to express some milk and give it, and any breast milk is of value, then carry on doing that. If you feel like you'd rather stop, then you can. It's no one else's business.
Have you got home start in your area if you are feeling isolated? And get a sling if you've not already got one, they are great.
Things will get better, your bond will grow. Skin to skin is great for bonding and hormones. Maybe talk to your health visitor, done areas have support groups to support bonding etc. Does your local children's centre have any baby groups, they're a good way of meeting people.
Look after yourself too.

I could have written this when I had my first child. The trauma of birth, not bonding, being scared, feeling like I was going to die. No one prepares you for that. Maybe it’s different these days but we just had conversations about fluffy birth plans etc. it’s ok to be feeling all of this and for it to be hard. It’s normal but you need to ask for support from professions and family/friends etc. it’s ok to let people know that you’re struggling, so you don’t feel alone with it. And obviously you have taken a big step in sharing it here. I’m thinking of you and you’re not alone and I’m sure you’re a brilliant Mum!

Op I could have written this a year ago! My breastfeeding experience was exactly the same along with ‘nipple trauma’ (has your baby been checked for tongue tie? This might cause the bad latch, I got my baby’s cut but didn’t help much tbh). I only got 40mls when pumping too and it does get in the way of playing with baby! Just be reassured that every bit of breastmilk you have got into your boy has been so good and precious for him and as he gets bigger and stronger it’s less vital and more of a ‘nice to have’ so please give yourself permission to stop pumping or pumping less often. I didn’t manage to stop until my pump broke at 6months and by then I couldn’t handle pumping and weaning but looking back now I think it was madness I went on pumping so long as it was really restrictive! I felt so much guilt and shame at the time at not being able to breastfeed easily like all the other nct mums seemed to- but to reassure you I don’t think about that at all now! I also didn’t notice any changes once I stopped pumping except that I had more free time to play with and enjoy my baby and could go on days out.

in terms of products to buy, I found the madella hands free pump and the bra crop top to wear was really helpful. And checking that you have the correct flange size there are lots of guides online for that.

i now have a 14 month old and these feelings about feeding have all gone (although now I feel mum guilt if I haven’t batched cooked good enough food etc so there’s always something!)

Firstly congratulations!

secondly, what you’re feeling is normally and those first few weeks are SO hard. It’s get so so much easier. My LO is currently 14 weeks and a pure delight. We turned a corner about 8 weeks and each week has been better and better so hang in there.

What got me through the first few weeks was DH taking her 8pm - midnight to let me catch up on sleep. I’d have gone insane without that.

Also prioritise having a shower and eating. Think of it like putting your own oxygen mask on first. Getting out the house really helps as well, even just around the block. The improving weather will help there.

But yeh I look back and it’s all a blur even though it’s so recent. It’s gets so much easier.