Newborn stress

[readingismycardio]

Hi everyone,

I don't even know what I want from this post, so please, have a little patience with me. This is basically a long rant. My baby boy was born in March, after a long time of heartbreak, infertility and loss.

I am not crazy, I never thought it's going to be easy, but I never thought it was going to be this hard, either. It all started with a traumatic c-section, a lot of blood loss, a massive wave of hormones and crying and pain. My baby boy is perfect and I could see that, but that maternal instinct everyone talks about only hit weeks after. I was caught completely unprepared (and shockingly, terrified of the baby, tbh!)

For a week after c section I had the most awful brain fog, combined with sheer panic, I honestly constantly thought I’d die.

My milk came in many days late and it was never enough. I spoke with a few lactation consultants who kept telling me to not give formula, but that wasn't an option - my baby wouldn't latch properly, milk wasn't enough and he was losing weight (and his birth weight wasn't great to begin with - almost 3 kg)

So, we topped up with formula, and we still do. I pump as much as I can, but whatever I did (supplements, tea, water, you name it, I did it), I only pump just enough to give him 3-4 out of 8 meals a day, about 40 ml at a time - which obviously, isn't ideal, and pumping is time consuming and ruins bonding with my baby. I have blamed myself SO MUCH for not being able to exclusively breastfeed.

Besides that - he is a fussy eater - he eats anywhere between 70 ml - 100 ml, cries during feeding (we started giving him colic medicine), and eats super slow (30-40 min/bottle). I wonder if this is normal for a month old baby. No medical reason, but I am still scared. However, he started gaining weight steadily and I am happy about it.

He is a decent sleeper - either contact naps or in his cot, which I’m not fussed about, I know it’s way too early for sleep training.

I have such an amazing husband, and a truly amazing marriage based on love and respect, but since baby came we have been fighting SO MUCH due to panic and sleep deprivation. He is doing his best, though.

I feel that we had such a difficult journey so far and I never got to enjoy my baby. Everyone tells you how magic and natural breastfeeding is, and how amazing is having a newborn - so probably my expectations were unrealistic to begin with.

I am tired, overwhelmed, we try to keep on top of household chores but even that is super hard (my mom helps a lot too - but she works full time and she is drained too by this point). I feel that with the long time for feeding, contact naps, walk outside and bath time I barely get time to eat or shower. It’s a neverending cycle of stuff to do.

Please, if you have any advice on how to make my life easer (even items we could buy!), or even a handhold. Is this going to get better? When? I know I sound whiny and probably am; but I am exhausted.

Hi there it's a midwife. Please don't buy a formula prep machine. They are dangerous and it's nothing to do how they are cleaned. Bacteria is occasionally found in formula, babies did come to harm and died as a result from this, even in developed countries. The only way to kill bacteria is to make sure the water is at least 70 degrees Celsius when making formula up. The water temperature in the prep machines is too low. What you are going through emotions wise is very common, don't beat yourself up. I am about to start work, I will write again

You know the first shot of water out of the prep machine (that you add the formula to) is not only filtered but also boiling hot? If your hand is under it you will scold yourself. The second shot is cooler, and filtered.

Two things which echo what pp have said

Pumping is the WORST! It's so stressful and so disheartening. I used to get 5ml from a pumping session, I used to have to pump so many times to have a 20/30ml top up every 2 days! It wasn't worth it. The stress and heart ache of pumping far outdid the benefit of the breast milk. So I said to myself formula is more beneficial for my baby. You can still put him on the boob but it's ok - better than ok!! - not to pump

The other thing is that we are not told at all about the post partum fighting. I still remember that I would happily have killed my partner.... Over the way he took out/didn't take out the bins. I was RAGING. It's a real thing and it's not discussed. I stayed with him because I wanted my child to have a full blood sibling. He's a great dad and husband but I would have been skipping out that door if it could have. But it was hormones, tiredness and a total change of life.

I've no advice there but - solidarity!

Your baby is still so very young. It’s completely normal to be a zombie in those early weeks. It helped me to know that things roughly go in stages - ie there are changes around specific weeks. This broke the early weeks period down into manageable chunks for me. Basically, the first 12 weeks are the hardest, but you’ll see slight changes/improvements over that time, so just keep going.

Forget the housework! If you can do any that’s a bonus, but only do essentials. Food is crucial for you, so focus on food, drinks and rest. If your baby is napping either nap yourself or simply sit and close your eyes or read a book - anything relaxing.

Showering - take baby in with you and keep showers short. You can have a longer bath/shower when your DH is there to watch baby.

Fresh air - try to get out of the house most days. Even when you’re tired, a walk can be reviving physically and mentally. I used to look forward to my pram walks even though I was tired.

Honestly, it really does get easier. It sounds like you’re worrying about baby but reading what you wrote, it sounds like you’re doing fine 😊 💐

@Leonarda89 absolutely loving the basket idea, doing it as of tomorrow! Thanks so so much!

@TheBeeb i'm sorry you had such a hard time too! Thanks so, so much!

@DiamondArtists I'm not in the UK so I had access to 3 ICLBC consultants. Two were terrible, they kept insisting boob is enough, it clearly wasn't! The latch was poor, he was losing weight and we didn't have any wet diapers!!! Definitely not worth risking just for the sake of exclusive breastfeeding. The third got me into pumping, and encouraged me so so much! Ebf it's just not an option for many, sadly. And that's fine. Thanks so much for your comment!

@LizardOfOz thanks so much for taking the time! I fully understand everything you've said on here! I am so sorry you had such a hard time too

Reading your post made me remember how hard it was. Your journey sounds so very similar to my own. I put so much pressure on myself about breastfeeding as I’d had ivf so wanted as much to be natural as possible. Now I realise that just doing your best, and ultimately feeding the baby whichever way, is actually the most important thing!
Please be kind to yourself. You are still recovering from major surgery. Things will get easier.
Has your ds been checked for tongue tie? It turned out that was the problem with my dd and once that got resolved it was easier.
Good luck op. You’ll get there.

Yes, I recognised how down I felt after DS1 refused to bf- that turned to anger that women were pressurised in this way. By the time I was expecting Ds2 I suppose I was determined to go there again. If bf worked - then great; if not, no problem formula feeding. He did actually try to latch but the hospital was so short staffed and I’d had a cs that I wasn’t prepared to wait for ages for help while he was crying. I cracked on with the formula and had firm words with one mw who tried to tell me off. I was 40 and a university head of department- I suppose I have certain air of authority. I worry about younger or less confident mothers who end up basically bullied into trying to bf when it’s not going well. After years of infertility there was no way I was going down that road- I wanted to enjoy those early months with my babies .

Determined to not go there again!!

@BreatheAndFocus thanks so, so much! Really helpful tips!

@WineIsMyMainVice I get you so much! We were due to have ivf too, but then a miracle happened and got pregnant naturally and thankfully didn't miscarry again. It's so hard after infertility... i am sorry you had such a hard time too. No tongue tie, checked by 2 peds + 2 iclbc consultants. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment!

@Maray1967 good for you OP!!! I sympathise so much with everything you said. I am a smart woman, with a great career and generally strong, and even I got put down by the breastfeeding brigade, I am so furious that many women get bullied and depressed because of this.

OP you are doing SO well, it’s so lovely seeing this thread with all the support, you are not alone and you are fantastic just as you are

Massive handhold here- my much-wanted, much-loved IVF baby came very close to breaking me!

Top tips for survival:

• Shower every day, followed by clean, comfy clothes.
• Get out for a walk with baby every day.
• Get good-quality ready meals if you can afford them.
• Eat lots of food- mostly healthy, but some treats too!
• Listen to audiobooks are podcasts while baby is sleeping/feeding/on a walk.
• You need clean clothes, clean dishes and food- THAT IS IT. No other housework for a while. And your husband needs to take on the bulk of that.
• Early bedtime- I went to bed at 8pm for quite a few months!

Good luck- I promise it will get easier. X

Just another tip I read a few years ago that I implemented with my third. If you’re a hot drink lover and are finding that they are constantly cold by the time you get to drink them, get yourself a travel mug to use at home. It was a game changer for me, I absolutely love tea and would be gutted to finally remember I’d made myself a tea and it be flat cold! I still use it now and my little one is 18months! Always a lovely hot brew waiting for me.