Newborn stress

[readingismycardio]

Hi everyone,

I don't even know what I want from this post, so please, have a little patience with me. This is basically a long rant. My baby boy was born in March, after a long time of heartbreak, infertility and loss.

I am not crazy, I never thought it's going to be easy, but I never thought it was going to be this hard, either. It all started with a traumatic c-section, a lot of blood loss, a massive wave of hormones and crying and pain. My baby boy is perfect and I could see that, but that maternal instinct everyone talks about only hit weeks after. I was caught completely unprepared (and shockingly, terrified of the baby, tbh!)

For a week after c section I had the most awful brain fog, combined with sheer panic, I honestly constantly thought I’d die.

My milk came in many days late and it was never enough. I spoke with a few lactation consultants who kept telling me to not give formula, but that wasn't an option - my baby wouldn't latch properly, milk wasn't enough and he was losing weight (and his birth weight wasn't great to begin with - almost 3 kg)

So, we topped up with formula, and we still do. I pump as much as I can, but whatever I did (supplements, tea, water, you name it, I did it), I only pump just enough to give him 3-4 out of 8 meals a day, about 40 ml at a time - which obviously, isn't ideal, and pumping is time consuming and ruins bonding with my baby. I have blamed myself SO MUCH for not being able to exclusively breastfeed.

Besides that - he is a fussy eater - he eats anywhere between 70 ml - 100 ml, cries during feeding (we started giving him colic medicine), and eats super slow (30-40 min/bottle). I wonder if this is normal for a month old baby. No medical reason, but I am still scared. However, he started gaining weight steadily and I am happy about it.

He is a decent sleeper - either contact naps or in his cot, which I’m not fussed about, I know it’s way too early for sleep training.

I have such an amazing husband, and a truly amazing marriage based on love and respect, but since baby came we have been fighting SO MUCH due to panic and sleep deprivation. He is doing his best, though.

I feel that we had such a difficult journey so far and I never got to enjoy my baby. Everyone tells you how magic and natural breastfeeding is, and how amazing is having a newborn - so probably my expectations were unrealistic to begin with.

I am tired, overwhelmed, we try to keep on top of household chores but even that is super hard (my mom helps a lot too - but she works full time and she is drained too by this point). I feel that with the long time for feeding, contact naps, walk outside and bath time I barely get time to eat or shower. It’s a neverending cycle of stuff to do.

Please, if you have any advice on how to make my life easer (even items we could buy!), or even a handhold. Is this going to get better? When? I know I sound whiny and probably am; but I am exhausted.

@MammaTo congrats on your little one, amazing mamma!  thank you! This is exactly how I feel...

@SaulGoodmanIsTaken I am not living in the UK atm so we have decent spring weather, so we're out at least a couple of hours a day, this is what keeping me sane! Thanks so much!

@Maray1967 I love this!!! Congrats on your amazing sons, and thanks so much for taking the time to write!

@GoodVibesHere thanks so, so much for taking the time! I am sorry you had a hard time too

@jolies1 congrats on your little one!! Thanks so much! I hope it does get better for us!

@PrincessTeaSet thanks so, so much!

@Boymum2104 thanks so so much! I am so reluctant to just stopping, I feel massive guilt. but slowly I am considering it

@Bumble6 thank you so much! you are so right about acceptance....

@Bobskeleton thanks so much! No tongue tie! Everyone professional I spoke to said that it's because there's no flow so he got bored/hungry super quick. Traumatising, really :(

@CarrotCake01 thanks so, so much!

@Abracadabra1 thanks so, so much! We ordered a sling, it should arrive today!! Can't wait! No baby groups around me 😟

@Changeschange thanks so much for sharing! I am sorry you had a hard time too 😟

@Unexpectedlysinglemum i am so sorry you had a hard time too😟. Tongue tie has been ruled out by more than one professional. Our bet is that he wasn't getting enough so falling asleep/getting angry. Traumatising, really. At least with pumping I had an idea how much he really ate!

@Mushroo I was looking for a way to put it, you have said it so much better - it's a blur, this is how i feel. Thanks so much for taking the time , and congrats on your little one!

Op, it sounds like you are doing g a great job. You baby is clean, warm, loved and fed. You are recovering from major abdominal surgery so need to be kind to yourself and just have really, really low expectations of getting anything done.

Find a local mums group, one where you get to drink tea and chat to other mums, not sing bloody nursery rhymes together.

Both my DC needed topping up with formula, DD (now 14) was constantly starving, and started solids at 12 weeks in the advice of my lovely old school health visitor. She was topped up from day 3, ditched breastfeeding at 5 months, is strong, clever, healthy, eats everything. DS, I fed til 18 months. He's now 11 and would live exclusively on bottles of prime and chilli heatwave doritos if I hadn't confiscated his bank card.

Some bits of early parenthood are absolutely shit, and that's normal. This too shall pass. You'll find your crowd and it will get easier.

Don't stress about breast v formula

FED IS BEST!!

Cannot stress this enough!!

My boobs have literally been useless!! All they've ever done is point traffic towards my toes! I did produce small amounts of milk but not enough so i had to mix feed. All good, I have 2 happy, healthy kids.

Tommy tippee prep machine was the best thing ever with my second, so wish I had it for my first!

With my first, it was 5 days I went without a shower before I realised what's the bloody worst that can happen if baby is safe and cries for 5 minutes?? Absolutely nothing!!

That shower was glorious! Whilst ds was in his car seat on the bathroom floor! 🙈

Laundry, well, not going to lie, that needs to get done so 1 load on every morning otherwise it gets stinky! Plus babies grow so quick!! What fits in week 3, won't in week 6!! They're like weeds!!

2nd baby was a snuggler, so I got a baby sling, and she was delighted, which meant I could just crack on with stuff!

However, you will find your groove, you will know what works, you will!!

And listen, you've got the best thing ever, enjoy those snuggles, enjoy those moments of you and your baby just looking at you and you looking at him! Magical!!

I could have written this! My baby was smaller than yours, which I found quite stressful. I put myself under a lot of pressure to breastfeed but now that I look back at the photos we took I don't think he was really big enough to latch properly. It does get better OP, I promise you.

Wish I could come and help. The early days can be rough, my eldest had horrendous colic and it was hell!

My advice would be to stop pumping, especially as it is taking up so much of your time and you feel you’re missing out on quality time with baby. Honestly as long as baby is fed, that’s all that matters. I’m a teacher and in any class that I have taught, I have absolutely no idea which of my pupils were breastfed and which were bottlefed and people certainly don’t include it on their CV.

I echo what others have said too, always try and get a shower first thing and fresh, comfortable clothes on. It makes such a difference to how you feel for the day.

Get out in the fresh air, I walked all over with my eldest and those walks are some of my fondest memories with him.

They are only this tiny for such a short time, you don’t want to miss this time because of feeding dilemmas. My sister breastfed for a week and then pumped for about 3 weeks and then switched to formula and bottles as she just wasn’t producing enough milk, my nephew was a different baby overnight. He was happier and so so content. He was going 4hours between feeds in no time. Second time around she’s tried breastfeeding again and it’s a completely different story and she’s exclusively fed no problem. No idea what the reason is but sometimes it just doesn’t work out and that’s ok. You need to do what’s best for you and baby.

Please remember that to your little one, you are absolutely perfect and the best mum in the world. There are so many different phases of motherhood, some harder than others but all will pass. You’re doing great!

@readingismycardio

What you are feeling is so normal so please take comfort in that and know that like many have said, it does get easier. This is all so new and your life has changed in a matter of minutes, no matter how prepared you think you are. Particularly after an unplanned section you can feel almost thrust into motherhood where you are now responsible for this tiny baby whilst trying to recover yourself. You’ve had major surgery and that takes time to heal from, physically and emotionally.
Your baby is putting weight on so you are doing good!
The fighting with partner is also so normal in my experience - you’ve both had a huge life change and it takes time to adjust to your new relationship. Communicate with each other.
Put baby down somewhere safe when you need five minutes.
Have a shower, eat, read a book - you still need to do all of the things you did before. I found fresh air was an amazing medicine. Just getting out of the same four walls and seeing people, nature etc.
Once you find your own rhythm and routine things will become easier, day by day. Congratulations on your beautiful baby.

@Tuxedomom hahaah! Thank you so much! You even made me laugh, so bonus points!!!

@Tagyoureit thank you so, so much for taking the time to share!

@StacieBenson I really get it! I am so sorry you had such a hard time too 😟

@TruJay this is exactly what I was talking to my DH! I have no idea about any of the people I ever met whether they were bf or not! So I guess no one talks about this in rl! Thank you so, so much for taking the time! 

@sandyofthesea thank you so, so much for taking the time!

Oh my Gosh, I am in floods of tears. I never expected to find such love and support on here. Thanks so much everyone, you guys are so kind and truly amazing, each and every single one of you!

Hi OP sending love! I had a section and although I didn't breastfeed that first bit was wild. Also your comments about friends not bothering really does make it extra tough.
I found by week 7 things got a bit easier, I could drive by then and we started going to baby classes (which he slept through!) So I could speak to people and make friends.

That first bit is so tough, it does get easier and utilise all the help you can get- I used to have DH take baby from 9pm-2am to get some sleep and he'd take the baby before work so I could shower and dress. (He obviously did a lot more but this was the absolute minimum on a work day!)

Hi OP. Congrats on your baby!

Fed is best. As is a happier mum. If breastfeeding and pumping is stressing you, just stop doing it. It is absolutely fine to give your baby formula and you have not done anything wrong as a mother. With my first, I went in to hospital saying I would breastfeed. Baby wouldn't latch but they wouldn't let me give formula. The pressure was so intense. I discharged myself, pumped at home and topped up with formula. Then stopped pumping after 6 weeks. What a weight lifted! With DS, I breastfed for a week, we couldn't get the hang of it, he was very jaundice and not gaining weight. So we went on to formula. Breastfeeding CAN in some cases be very difficult and IMO if it starts to impact your mental health negatively then just switch to formula and don't beat yourself up. Baby has had some breastmilk. And tbh if you'd gone in to hospital saying you intended to FF but managed to give baby some breastmilk, they'd be singing your praises for that bit, they did with me and DS.

For the feed times, what teats are you using? Baby might prefer a variflow teat rather than the standard first stage bottle teats.

Wind regularly through feeds and use infacol.

Babies aren't really fussy eaters. Usually they have wind/colic, jaundice so fall asleep and take ages to feed, there's something not right with their ability to latch on (I see you've had tongue tie checked), some babies have a dairy allergy so don't get on with what they are being fed and have tummy ache. For now I'd try infacol before each feed, wind half way through, and possibly the variflow teats.

Also, be kind tk yoursslf right now. Self care is so important. Being able to gibe baby a bottle means your DH can help plenty, so make sure he does.

I'd be lying if I said I found it as easy to bond after loss, infertility issues, and then a very complicated pregnancy. I felt terrible because of it. I bonded with my eldest much more quickly than my second. It was such a stressful time that naturally some of that carried forward. I love him incredibly dearly and I did when he was born, something was just, different? I think I had a touch of PND and there's nothing abnormal about that, so if you think that's a possibility OP, be kind to yourself. Make sure you start getting out in to the world, make sure you are looking after you as long as somebody else is looking after baby. Don't skip showering! If baby has a bouncer, pop them in that while you shower if DH is not home to help. It is so easy to learn just to flannel wash but for me, I felt so much saner after a shower.

The sleepless nights are hard. But it soon passes.

Everyone talks about the newborn phase being very easy and very Disney but that isn't the case for everyone. Find what works for you and your baby, and ignore what people told you this would be like. Everyone only remembers the best parts. That's why I had a chat with myself when I was absolutely exhausted one morning saying "you'll forget this when he's 6 months, is all smiles and babbling, so when that is happening remind yourself you decided you were done at 2 children". I was right, I had forgotten, as I found myself thinking the other day "3 wouldn't be so bad..." 😂

Sorry excuse all the typos. My keyboard is so flipping small and I don't proof read - whoops!

OP I'm just adding to the masses here

I had a traumatic birth with DS1 and I remember sitting in the hospital after he arrived thinking I'd ruined my life and asking myself why I didn't feel that flood of love. It is totally normal!!

I had a very slow burn maternal bond with DS1 that happened over maybe the first 8 weeks. It happened in small increments.

I also struggled to breastfeed and remember getting so stressed and worked up every time night came and I knew I'd have to try and BF

I was also terrified of creating 'bad habits' so tried to avoid all the things people tell you not to do-don't let them get used to napping on you, try and be the only one to feed them etc

My DH and I also argued constantly as we were both so sleep deprived

Something clicked at around 8 weeks and my lovely MIL gently told me to stop giving myself such a hard time and focus on just doing whatever I needed to in order to make life easier for myself

So I stopped BF, moved to formula, got a perfect prep machine, moved to anti reflex as baby seemed uncomfortable, let everyone who wanted to feed him do so, filled the freezer with ready meals, stopped obsessing over all the apps that tell you what they should be doing that week, stopped trying to stick to any schedule at all and if baby looked tired, put them down regardless of what they 'should' be doing, let them nap on me, coslept (you get the idea!)....

Oh my god. Life suddenly became easier. I relaxed, let others have him for a few hours so I could sleep and allowed myself some down time

Honestly honestly it will get easier. He is 4 now and the most mummy's boy you could meet so that initial period of uncertainty I had hasn't affected him at all

Good luck OP and sorry for the long post

Congratulations on your baby! Sounds like you had quite the journey and a very difficult birth.
It’s brilliant that he is gaining weight and sleeping welll.
enjoy the contact naps, important for bonding, watch a box set or new series and have a tea in a thermos.
Maybe you could buy a sling, it’s spring, go for short walks, enjoy the flowers and fresh air and have a coffee.
check your local fb page for mum and baby groups, even weekly coffee meet ups. You will need local friends.

Amazing your mum can help, don’t get too stressed about the household, you and your baby are priority now. If you can afford it, book a deep clean.
Keep looking after yourself: daily showers, vitamins, eat well, go for small daily walks. Everything gets easier every day wirh a newborn.

You got this! All the best.

Sorry just read that you have no local
baby groups. Do you have a local facebook group? Apps people use to meet?
I am from a tiny village in a different country and people organise themselves on different fb groups called “town xxx mums” etx etc

good that you manage to get fresh air every day!

To add, I pumped for the first couple of weeks but wasn’t doing much - probably got 4 oz a day out. It stressed me out and my brilliant HV and GP both said to stop and crack on exclusively with formula. Great advice. Being pushed to keep going with bf when you’re struggling is cruel - it leads to misery and babies don’t need a miserable mum. They need a rested and calm mum.

By the time I had DS2 almost 8 years later I was determined not to put myself through the same stress. I wrote in my birth plan that the baby would decide how to feed!! When a mw asked me what on earth that meant, I’m afraid I responded very bluntly about how that was my experience. She backed off.

In my view, breast is best - if it works. But it is not best if it causes stress and misery. The breast is best campaign has been taken too far in my view. Thank God we had an old school mw at our antenatal sessions who ignored the pressure and demonstrated how to correctly make up bottles. She said she wasn’t supposed to - can you imagine the stupidity of that directive?

Take each day as it comes. Shower and dress - and try to get out if you can.

It does get easier!!

Sounds like switching to bottle feeding could relieve a lot of stress.

Could you get a cleaner in once a week/fortnight for a little while to tide you over?

Make having a shower and putting on clean comfy clothes before DH sets off to work a non negotiable. Can he prep the bottles, make you a thermos flask of tea and a sandwich for lunch, throw a load of laundry in and put dinner in the slow cooker before work also? Sounds a lot but achievable in less than 10 mins.

Have a basket of healthy snacks next to your sofa/bed so at least you’re eating regularly throughout the day.

How about a couple of hours to yourself on a weekend? Do something you enjoy, watch a movie, go for a walk, beauty treatment, meet a friend for a coffee??

Once you feel up to it try and find a baby group, can you travel to nearest town/city once a week if nothing local? Is there a local FB group, could you ask if any new mums fancy a walk/coffee?

Firstly congratulations sweet mom,
Trust me, going through all of this is phenomenal and you are EXTREMELY STRONG, don't let your inner voice make you feel any less than a warrior,

Secondly, I delivered on oct 23 with a CS and DS had to be admitted to the NIcU and had BF issues as well, so I know how you absolutely feel, and let me tell you that what you're good through Is actually difficult and dealing with such a young age is super challenging both mentally and physically, so give yourself some slack and know that whatever you can do is the best and your baby loves you and feels your love no matter what

Thirdly, from a medical side view

1. Its so normal to have BF issues and don't give up i had the same scenario and eventually after seeing Bf consultants and putting my mind into it i could taper down bottles to once or twice per day (some weeks my supply dips and others things are good)

1. When they grow older then tend to latch better overall (i have latch problems and cracked wounded nipples most of the first month) you just have to hold them so close and be very comfortable in your position .

1. Maybe the prolonged feeding could mean he has a minor degree of toe tongue or tie lip (mine had but when i knew at 2 months of age it was too inconvenient for us to do his Op but it makes a huge difference in younger babies and how they latch) ask your pediatrician to have a look at it at your next FU

1. Sleeping makes a huge impact on your mental health , not sleeping made me fight with DH and MIL as well as my own mom who like urs works FT and helps as she could but I can't overload her anymore, when baby is around 3 months of age their sleeping will improve a little giving you a 4/5 hour sleep stretch which will help improve your feelings of exhaustion

1. It is possible there is an element of PND and i my self didn't get help which would have made things better sooner for me yet i think you should give it a try

1. Its normal to have long Bf sessions at first, i used to sit for 1.5 hours changing between sides but i realize it was because my milk supply was low and baby was trying to feed

I know how frustrating that is but don't feel bad about formula, at least you are trying with natural Bf for his immunity so know you're doing your absolute best mommy

As PMPBUH said "Heaven is beneath mothers feet"

Motherhood is one of the most sacred and respected experiences any woman could go through so appreciate it and know that God is with you, you are doing your maximum, your family members do understand your feelings, things will be more manageable and routine like later on

Wishing you all the best

Let's all pray for each others wellness and babies wellness

Hi there it's a midwife. Please don't buy a formula prep machine. They are dangerous and it's nothing to do how they are cleaned. Bacteria is occasionally found in formula, babies did come to harm and died as a result from this, even in developed countries. The only way to kill bacteria is to make sure the water is at least 70 degrees Celsius when making formula up. The water temperature in the prep machines is too low. What you are going through emotions wise is very common, don't beat yourself up. I am about to start work, I will write again

Many congratulations OP. Your post sounds completely normal for a new mum. With newborns it just about surviving the day the best you can, as long as baby feeds and puts on weight you are doing ok! I had two under two, OMG the hardest thing I have ever done. I always showered before DH went to work. It will be easier.

@Stressedoutforever sending love right back and thanks so much for taking the time!

@Whatisgoingonheredear you are absolutely right. We started infacol and it's so much better! I am so sorry you had a hard time too thanks so much for taking the time! I will look into different teets too, but I think we got the right one atm, it has variflow and seems to go a bit faster, sometimes even 15-20 min. I am sorry you went through infertility and loss too, it's heartbreaking. I am happy you got your rainbows!

@milesmachine thanks so much for your long post, it's so useful! I am sorry you had a hard time too!

@WhatWouldYouDo33 sling is arriving today, yay!!!! I'm taking a shitload of vitamins, my vit d & iron are so crap after all this shitload. 😟 thanks so much!

@Maray1967 there's so much pressure on exclusive bf, it's like a cult, I swear! They pretty much tell you how magical it is and that it's super important so you end up depressed if you can't do it. thanks so much for taking the time!

@JLT24 I actually took a ss of your comment, amazing tips. Love the basket idea, doing it today! Thanks so so much!

@Remo22 first of all, thanks so much for taking the time! wishing you all the very best too and praying for you! Please send some prayers my way!

@Kosenrufugirl this was my concern too. Thanks so much for taking the time - looking forward to your next comment!

It is so hard and it does get easier.
In terms of practical tips, I took 5 mins every morning to set up a basket with healthy snacks, water bottle, nipple cream, muslins, wipes, phone charger etc. so when cluster feeding or contact napping I had everything close to hand, I made the most of time to chill and watch box sets.
We got meal kits delivered to save on cooking/shopping time for the first few weeks.
DP would take DD for a few hours in the late evening so I could get some sleep before night wakes and for an hour in the morning so I could shower, eat and get everything ready for the day.

Congratulations first and foremost! Having a baby is a huge deal and I found it shook me to the absolute core first time round. Your world is turned upside down and the shock of how all-consuming looking after a tiny baby is can be a lot!

You are doing amazingly. I had a similar experience to you first time round and couldn't figure out how to get anything done, I was frequently still in my pjs when my husband got home from work. For the first 7 weeks I battled static weight gain, my milk never properly came in, baby was weighed every couple of days and I was exhausted dealing with anaemia and birth injuries. I threw in the towel with breastfeeding and pumping and it was the best thing I ever did! Your baby will thrive on formula, there's no shame in it,

As PP have said, get a tommee tippee prep machine which is a total lifesaver. Fed two babies with it and not a single issue.

Drop your standards for housework too while baby is so young. It's a full time job just looking after them. If you switch to formula then you can split the nights so both of you get a chunk of sleep, which will really help.