Not invited to a party - talk me down

[RoadyMcRoadUser]

As per the title. I am aware I’m probably being too sensitive about this but it stings all the same. DS 4 years old ASD/ADHD. Struggles massively with hyperactivity/impulsivity and has a social communication disorder. Just had the EHCP agreed for mainstream school. I’ve just bumped into a preschool mum in the supermarket who was holding a roll of wrapping paper and said “for Ben’s birthday party later…..is DS going? Oh he wasn’t invited? Oh….”
I feel so pathetic but it really stings to think he hasn’t been invited to a party full of kids he goes to preschool with and he will be going to actual school with in September.
I worry so much about him making friends and being vulnerable anyway, and I could cry wondering if he will always be left out 😢

My child was not invited to every party and we didn't invite every child to theirs

Not everyone invites the whole class

Exactly that but I know how you feel OP

The bottom line, you and hubby love your DC and that is the most important thing everything else comes second

Just don't invite that persons child but it hurts, I get it but you are not alone, trust me!!!

This is purely me being upset because I’m so worried about his autism affecting his ability to make friends and communicate. If it was my daughter I wouldn’t think anything of it 😂
It just breaks my heart to think of him
alwsys being on the outside. He’s lovely, and is so kind 😢

he hasn’t been invited to one party op

how do you know that this isn’t a very small affair?

well yes op it will

my son struggles

Hugs for you OP. I know how this feels.

I find it helpful to remind myself that it's usually my feelings that have been hurt, not my daughters. My DD is usually oblivious.

They might have had limited numbers.

My child as regularly not been invited to other kids parties, I assume they have 20 places at the soft play or whatever.

Hi OP,

I get exactly how you feel. My DS was in reception and whilst we were waiting for the classroom door to open one of his friends was handing out party invitations to everyone in his class. I could see my DS looking at him, obviously waiting for his invite but he never got one. I could see how sad he looked and I made an effort to brush it off and said “we’ve got a busy few weeks coming up, his mum probably knew you wouldn’t be able to go”

I felt crushed walking home. My lovely little boy had been left out and his whole class was excitedly chatting about the party. When it’s your child it definitely hurts more than if it’d happened to you. So I get how you feel, completely.

He was invited to plenty of parties over the years though. Play dates, sleepovers, days out etc. Try not to let it dishearten you 💐

It's hurtful but I think you're projecting a lot of your feelings onto your little boy. He probably neither knows nor cares.

It’s awful the first time it happens, I’m sorry you had to find out that way, that other parent will probably feel awkward about it too, but if it helps, your DS won’t know, at this age it’s not something they catch up about on the Monday at school.
It will happen again as you go through the school years. You’ll see the friends selected by the parents, not the child whose birthday it actually is and you might only hear about it a week later. You may even want to curb numbers or select friends for your DS party throughout the school years. It was a mix for us, sometimes not invited for whatever reason, others we’d get an invite to lovely children’s parties and dc would have the best time with the nicest parents who had invited all nicest children.

I hate the idea of this always happening and as he gets older and becomes more aware the other kids are having parties/play dates and he isn’t being invited and what that could do to his self esteem/mental health 😢

Autism is quite common nowadays.

Years ago it wasn't so people only had little or no knowledge about it.

I was at a children's party with my son and a little girl made a bee line for me and clambered on me and started yanking my hair.

She was also screaming.

I had to grapple with her to get her off me as despite her only being five she was incredibly strong and hurting me.

The mother suddenly shot in the room and helped get her child off me. She burst into tears and said her daughter was autistic and had a thing about long hair.

Whilst the child was attacking me everyone looked horrified and angry at the child, once the mother said she was autistic we were all more understanding and when she said she was leaning we asked her to stay and I think everyone there that day learnt a lot more from her talking to us about autism.

What I'm getting at is that some parents hear the word autistic and immediately think the party will be disrupted as the autistic child will have a meltdown.

My advice would be to actually talk to the other mums and be open about what upsets your child but that you want him to join in and that you will be there at any party to supervise and make sure there is no disruption.

Autism isn't a dirty secret to be shut away in a cupboard, the more open everyone is the more people can make choices about including your son. Some won't and that's up to them but others may grasp a better understanding and be willing to include your son.

Bless you, of course it hurts! I'm so sorry. Children with additional needs get a rough ride with the social events and it hurts to see our lovely kids being left out.

The unhappy reality is that people want an easy life. They invite the children they know, or the ones they think their child plays with. They don't consider the feelings of anyone not invited, and they often think in terms of ease and crowd control. They don't mean to be cruel, but it's painful nevertheless.

When your child is one of the more 'challenging,' has additional needs, or can be perceived as loud, 'a handful', awkward, impulsive, or anything like that, the invitations aren't there as much.

The good part at this age is your DS is unlikely to be aware he's been excluded from something. Later on, they notice, and helping them navigate that is important.

On a practical level, not everyone is invited to everything. Every child gets left out from something at some point, and no one "owes" us invitations. I found it easiest to view it that way, make our own arrangements (sometimes pr-emptively when someting was looming on the horizon) and not let us get too caught up in what other people were doing.

Someone always comes out with this and usually they're not an autism parent.

This isn't a case of kid won't be invited. It's usually kid will NEVER get invited and neither will kids come to their party if they have one. It's another level of being left out.

Im sorry OP, been there and done that. Best thing you could do is find a group to attend with parents in the same boat. The experience is different to mainstream school. More inclusive.

It’s really normal for preschool parties to be for just the closest half a dozen or so friends and children whose parents are friends with the birthday child’s parents.

Has your DS been to many large children’s parties? One of my autistic children cannot cope with them at all and refuses to go. Whilst I appreciate that the invitation might be nice, the reality is that your child might not want to go - 30 or so shouting children, popping balloons, screaming and the acoustics of the hall or venue can make it a massive sensory overload.

Aw OP. I was the child who never got invited to parties, but to be honest it never bothered me and I hated noisy places anyway.

Reception parties tend to be whole class to start with, so your son will get plenty of opportunities to go to those if he chooses.

DS has never been invited to a party 😢
When my duaghter was at nursery she only went to two but this was post Covid times so people weren’t really doing parties, but when there was one arranged, she went.
Makes me wonder if parties go on all the time at nursery and I just don’t know about it because DS isn’t ever invited.
(when it was his birthday I arranged for an entertainer to go into preschool and do a little party for him and his “friends” 😢)

Also how will he get practice of how to behave at parties if he’s never invited to one!

he’s at pre school op
don’t worry

Preschool’s very different to actual school - nobody did ‘whole class’ parties in my daughter’s preschool but as soon as she started actual school they became a lot more common.

I mean this kindly op - but even without him being autistic, he may not have been invited so can you try and seperate the two things? My NT daughter wasn't invited to one her best mate's parties last year and l was gutted for her and still don't reqlly underwtand why she was excluded especially as this child was at my house so often.
It might be that it is just a small party xx

I don’t think pre school tend to be ‘whole class’. That’s more when they start primary school. That’s my experience as a mum and also when I was primary teacher! I wouldn’t start worrying just yet. All you can do is try and arrange play dates/get to know other parents and put yourself out there for him.

In my experience, there are very few preschool parties (covid or not) and at Reception, they tend to be whole class parties and schools won’t support a child being excluded if they are the only one.

It’s always horrible when your child isn’t invited and especially if you think it’s because they aren’t wanted.

I have a AuDHD, an autistic and a (to date) neurotypical child and all three are invited to lots of parties. My autistic child nearly always declines the invite out of choice but the invitation is there and it’s a genuine one.

Preschool parties are usually the kids whose parents are friends with the birthday child’s parents, not a reflection of who your children are actually friends with. Lots of people don’t have parties at that age (we never did), and the ones that did happen seemed to be mostly 4-5 kids round at somebody’s house, not big all-class parties like they have in primary school.

All that said, it breaks your heart more than it does theirs, I know. He’s lucky to have a mum like you who cares so much about his feelings.