Not invited to a party - talk me down

[RoadyMcRoadUser]

As per the title. I am aware I’m probably being too sensitive about this but it stings all the same. DS 4 years old ASD/ADHD. Struggles massively with hyperactivity/impulsivity and has a social communication disorder. Just had the EHCP agreed for mainstream school. I’ve just bumped into a preschool mum in the supermarket who was holding a roll of wrapping paper and said “for Ben’s birthday party later…..is DS going? Oh he wasn’t invited? Oh….”
I feel so pathetic but it really stings to think he hasn’t been invited to a party full of kids he goes to preschool with and he will be going to actual school with in September.
I worry so much about him making friends and being vulnerable anyway, and I could cry wondering if he will always be left out 😢

Does DS play with the child whose party it is? When my DD was at nursery I just invited the children she spoke about, we didn’t have a class list or really get chance to know any parents and children due to the new post Covid world. So I invited 20 out of about 40 (not all children attended all days) I wouldn’t want to upset anymore but I wasn’t paying for 40 nursery children plus her other friends.

I get you.
My DS3 is autistic and ADHD. At infant school age he was very blunt (still is) and could not control frustration/anger (this is far better now).

He would crumple at knowing he wasn't invited, hearing them chat about it at school and he knew it was because he was "different". He'd seen his older siblings go to loads of parties.

We had to try and ensure this did not damage his self-belief as he was and is a kind caring person.

He loved parties. He hardly got invited. But there will become invites, your DS will be invited by some.

My DS wanted a "big fun" party every year. He had a couple of 'loyal' friends who attended and I used to get family friends kids to join to make it "big" and his siblings friends and do activities all age groups could do like trampolining. And looking back - these were happy times, all having fun. Letting him be "birthday boy". These children were incredibly brilliant and I love and respect them all for their kindness.

It does sting but parties are only a small part of growing up, try to not focus on those bits.

Do you know if it is a whole class party?

At pre-school we didn't do whole class party - I just asked nursery for a list of 10 suggested names to invite to the party and went with that. Honestly I didn't have a clue who these children were. Why would other parents have any reason to exclude your child? Would they even know who he is?

P1 to P3 we did whole class parties. After that it went back to smaller numbers and my children picked who attend.

When he starts school you need to make friends with the parents, invite on playdates so they get to know your son and his likes and dislikes and support the relationship building.

Some people will assume (if they know he has an ASC) that he wont enjoy a party as they are loud etc and the vast majority know very little about autism themselves.

I always tried to encourage DD (who is also autistic) to invite those who had obvious SEND but her argument was that they hurt her or were unkind so she didn't want them at her party which is hard to argue with, if that might be something that is a issue although ofcourse not all children with additional needs have that type of physical challenging behaviour.

Also at preschool age it's normally the parents who invite their own parent friends to parties who happen to have similarly aged children or their friends from baby group it's often not the child's choice.

I don’t know if this helps or not, might be too far down the road from where you are now but my DS, now in his mid-teens, never had it easy with childhood friendships. He had hearing problems which led to him having a strange way of speaking, and also dyslexia, but was apparently NT. Suffice to say he always stood out, was frequently left out and always seemed to be the last option/outsider. Childhood was a long road and things improved notably with his peers as he got a bit older and ‘different’ became ‘cool.’

We were passing a party venue recently and saw a load of kids going in, and he said ‘you know sometimes you think of something that really makes you happy - I’ll never have to go to another birthday party!’

I use to feel worried about this sort of thing too OP. Then I discovered when my son did go to parties he absolutely hated them. He found them over stimulating and had sensory meltdowns. They were not fun for anyone. Now he is 10 and if he gets a party invite I get a sinking feeling of “how am I going to politely decline this invite”. He has never once enjoyed a party and begs me to not take him to them. He has 2 close friends he has play dates with and that is enough for him.

I always tried to encourage DD (who is also autistic) to invite those who had obvious SEND but her argument was that they hurt her or were unkind so she didn't want them at her party which is hard to argue with, if that might be something that is a issue although ofcourse not all children with additional needs have that type of physical challenging behaviour

It’s hard isnt it, my DD is having a class party soon and doesn’t want to invite two boys that I think have special needs. One tried to cut her pony tail off with scissors recently and one has repeatedly nipped and kicked her. These boys do this to everyone not just her and the teacher is trying to manage the situation as best as she can. I want to encourage inclusivity but I won’t force her to invite children who have been violent to her.

They could have had limited numbers. They could have just invited a small group. There will be other parties. Etc etc etc.

It doesn't matter how much you rationalize the above, it really hurts and I am sending you a big hug.

As the mum of a wonderful but quirky DS myself (possibly ASD like his dad but we will see how things pan out) I had all the same worries as you and we went through the whole of preschool and reception year without invites. Even though we did a whole class party for him in term 1 of reception, those same parents didn't invite him back which really hurt. He was also often in trouble in class in reception, often screaming at the gate, often running away across the playground in the morning while I chased him and tried desperately to get him into the classroom.

He is now in year 1 in a different class and has 3 lovely friends. Spring term of year one things seemed to click into place for him and we haven't had one school refusal and he's doing really well. I actually felt emotional last week writing TWO parties for DS on the calendar for April!

Just thought I'd share out story in case it helps because I so know the feeling

Sending you a hug as it is very sad. People can be thoughtless but in this case it hasn't been done by the party organiser. Try not to worry too much about the future. He will hopefully make many friends at school and not miss out.

I could have written the same post. Hearing the other parents discussing the various parties in the queue made me feel sick to my stomach. My DD got an EHCP at school, but the nursery was supportive.

I’m also ASD- I found it horrifyingly difficult to talk to the other parents. Things improved once we just bit the bullet and started inviting kids for play dates. There is just no help for it. Even worse because of the ASD we had no idea what was going on at nursery or even who she played with. I ended up asking nursery staff who made a few suggestions.

If you have the means, the most valuable thing we have had is SALT. Our DD goes once a week at her current school and the therapist is working with her on understanding other people’s feelings and how she comes across. She’s nearly 9, but she’s finally got a few actually good friends. But in the very early stages I found it was you getting along with the other parents that mattered more.

I totally get where you’re coming from and I know it hurts. However, it could be a venue that only has a limited number of spaces and if they have guests outside of preschool, the spaces will easily be filled. Party rooms often only have capacity for a dozen kids. Add in all their parents plus the adult relatives of the birthday child, and places are soon at capacity.

Although I’m sure it hurts OP it may just be a numbers thing rather than a ASD thing. For my sons last birthday we had limited numbers so we asked his nursery to give the invitations with the children he tends to play with, we’ll probably do the same this year I’d imagine. I wouldn’t have a clue which kids at his nursery had ASD as they obviously don’t tell us those things so it’s possible some ASD kids didn’t get invited to my sons party but it wasn’t an intentional snub.

When is his next birthday? I’d host a party which he can enjoy and invite the whole class. My DC had a party recently and even though it was a large party, we couldn’t invite the whole pre school what with cousins, family friends etc so we just invited those they plays with most and those who had invited them to their parties. It’s not cast iron guarantee but often invites lead to invites.

Sending an entertainer into pre school is a lovely idea but I expect a lot of parents didn’t know or remember that as his birthday activity. Or maybe they thought you did that as your DC wouldn’t enjoy a party?

Hand hold here! I haven't read the whole thread but...my son is now 11 has ASD and ADHD he wasn't always invited early on but now has a wonderful group of friends and is looking forward to high school. My advice is to start organising small play dates with different friends that way you support him in building those friendships, especially if they are only short (no time to rub each other the wrong way). It will get easier and remember to keep pushing for your son because just because he has an EHCP doesn't mean everything will be implemented for him.

Thankyou everyone for your messages and advice. As I said if it was my daughter that hadn’t been invited to something I wouldn’t give it a second thought but I worry so much more about my son. Probably because he doesn’t actually have any real friends to speak of and I worry if this is how it’ll
always be for him. There are kids he might play games of chase with at preschool but no actual friends who seek him out to play, or that he does anything other than play chase with. All I hear to be honest from the preschool staff is that he is often doing his own thing and has been hyperactive and disruptive, some days they might as well just come out with it and say “we all find him hard work and annoying” 😢

Does he actually want friends though or to go to parties?

Other children largely annoy DD, she had one regular friend throughout Primary and they've added to their group in Secondary, all are lovely and all have something going on either autism, ADHD, Tourettes, medical issues, parental bereavement and they are the most supportive group.

She did go to parties when younger and I did the whole throwing full class parties as I thought that's just what you did, she's since said that actually she hates those sorts of things and would rather have just done something with one or two people.

OP
Sad as it is, we cant buy, force friends.
I've had work mates but never brought work home. Schoolmates, no contact as we left the place
Prvious work mates, did not have mobiles etc those days and all live across the river from me

only friends I have is some of my family and I'm happy with that but I get it re kids, your kids

Sorry to say this but get used to it. Same happened to my ds all through primary school. He wasn't even that obvious that he had SEN and sometimes the kids would be ones who really loved playing with him etc and they'd come to his parties but the parents excluded him from theirs. People are just not very nice op.

DD has ADHD and wasn't invited to a single party for years. Two things:

She found her Nerd Herd of ND and nerdy kids at about 11 and hasn't looked back.

I made sure her parties were absolutely awesome. Dry ice fountains and the best crafts and letting kids do things they LOVED. Throwing paint balloons off things onto giant papers and other out there things. The best food and everything. And she would invite only the few kids who played with her and were kind. I remember with some happiness when she said, "Daniel really wants to come and says he'll buy me a big present". "DD is he kind normally and did he have a party?". Turns out he's normally really unkind and bullying and did have a shit party she wasn't invited to. Shame, he's not on the list. I know it's petty but sometimes petty works.

My eldest son who is autistic....,we had parties every year for him ,untill he decided no more
Sadly he never once got invited back to a party.
I don't know why ,but I didn't notice at the time ,life was hectic,he was hard work ,I had other children also autistic.
I expect the mums either thought they couldn't cope with him ,or more likely the other children didn't want to invite him
People can be fickle
He's now 25 and he's never mentioned it

Honestly
My two autistic boys are not the slightest bit interested in friendship
Neither have a friend,neither want one .
They didn't attend school for long ,both had education at home ,so very quickly found their interests and were content,and are content
I did worry about it when they were younger
Wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to worry

We stopped throwing birthdays for the school class when we had our youngest child. We had one the first year.

Complete chaos (the kids had a great time and had fun - the grown ups not so much).
We have always invited all children or all girls/boys so that everyone was part of the community not leaving children/parents behind.

It takes unearthly strength to celebrate a child's birthday today - there are several pupils in the class with ASD, ADHD, ADD - not to mention the just spoiled children. It's very hard to accomandate all needs. Not knowing the children that well either.

There were far fewer children with special needs when our two oldest children were young. Maybe that is the reason. Parents can't cope with modern inclusion of children in school - but it does hurt if a child isn't invited if it's a pattern.

This is why we have done whole-class parties for the past 3 years and will hopefully do them for at least the next couple of years. We're lucky though - there's a cheap hall around the corner which can fit a large bouncy castle in. That said, I'm probably not very popular as, even at age 6-7, I expect parents to stay with their children or find another parent (not me!) to supervise them while I run the party 😂. No free childcare here, but at least it means no one is left out!

Yes, life is not like this. Life sometimes sucks and maybe your beautiful DS will face problems going forward.

But I don't see why it needs to be like this at age 4 and in early primary. Us parents need to step up.

Nursery and preschool parties are usually the children of the mum’s closest friends ime. My kids didn’t get invited to parties until invite lists were based on who the kids wanted to invite.

This....