Not invited to a party - talk me down

[RoadyMcRoadUser]

As per the title. I am aware I’m probably being too sensitive about this but it stings all the same. DS 4 years old ASD/ADHD. Struggles massively with hyperactivity/impulsivity and has a social communication disorder. Just had the EHCP agreed for mainstream school. I’ve just bumped into a preschool mum in the supermarket who was holding a roll of wrapping paper and said “for Ben’s birthday party later…..is DS going? Oh he wasn’t invited? Oh….”
I feel so pathetic but it really stings to think he hasn’t been invited to a party full of kids he goes to preschool with and he will be going to actual school with in September.
I worry so much about him making friends and being vulnerable anyway, and I could cry wondering if he will always be left out 😢

My dc was the one who was never invited so I know how you feel. There was one occasion where all the children got changed in the classroom to go to a party at the end of the day and I had to go and pick my child up and they left in their uniform with the whole class excitedly getting ready. The class teacher confirmed that my dc wasn’t invited and that we hadn’t made a mistake. I was really upset at the time. I have kind of got used to it sadly as they are in their late teens and have always struggled with friendships (diagnosed special needs.)

NC for this as I've added my location.

This is probably a long shot so I apologise if I'm stepping on anyone's toes.

We had to delay my daughter's 3rd birthday party in November as I was in hospital for a lengthy stay.

We agreed to do something in the spring time for her when the weather is better.

If any mums on here are in Surrey or around about and would like to bring their little one(s) to children's birthday picnic you are more than welcome.

We're only doing a picnic on the lawn so no limit to numbers. I appreciate this is probably a bit forward from a stranger and not to everyone's taste. But if anyone is nearby us who wants to join my little girl for her picnic party next month, anyone and everyone is welcome. I'm a single mum so it's only women coming with their children.

Again, apologies to derail the thread OP.

I know a random invite from a stranger isn't quite going to your classmates party. My heart just aches for anyone who is left out, no matter what age or circumstances.

My son has never been invited to a party, he is In reception now and suspected asd and adhd. It breaks my heart

I know it stings as a parent, but some children are just better able at making friends at a younger age than others. Try not to take it personally. They get there in their own time. My eldest was super chatty and friendly and was invited to dozens of parties at preschool. My youngest was naturally more shy and didn’t form close friends until he was at school, first party invite wasn’t until he was in year 1.

It does hurt when your child is missed out. When my son was in pre-school one boy was handing out Christmas cards but didn’t give my son one I didn’t think much about it at the time until I heard his mum say that she’d written one for every child who went. With the passing of time I realise she’d probably just a genuine mistake but at the time I was upset he had been missed out because nobody liked him.

I'm the parent of an older ASD/ADHD child.

Unfortunately, for us, not being invited to parties was very common. It's one of the hardest parts of having a neurodiverse child but friendships have always been difficult and party invitations were very rare. Even rarer as my child got older. People would accept our invitations but would never reciprocate.

As a SEN parent it's generally something you have to get used to and put a brave face on. There's a lot of lip service by some people about being inclusive but unfortunately actions speak louder than words.

You might do better posting on the SEN board where people will properly understand. On AIBU you'll just get the "no one gets invited to every party" response. That is true but it's not the same as not being invited to any party.

Just here in solidarity, OP. It's heartbreaking, especially your last post. I remember going home in tears after a creche report for my DS [whose special needs were later diagnosed], when I realised they hadn't said one nice thing about him, and there were so many wonderful things to say - he is the sweetest, kindest person I know.
He's grown up into a truly lovely adult. He has a huge amount of empathy, partly because he knows how it feels not to be included sometimes. He did find some nice friends along the way, so I hope that that will be the same for your DS too. He has a really lovely relationship with his family members. He's forged his own path and it hasn't been easy, but I am so proud of the person he is.
I always get tearful when I read these posts though. It is so, so painful to see your child not included, and I find the dismissive posts really painful as well. People whose children find these things easy have no idea of how hurtful it is and no idea of how much it means for your child to be included.

When my DS was 4 he had ten kids from nursery invited to his birthday party. My ds was not really verbal (very hard to understand what little speech he had at that time). We invited five kids that nursery told me he played best with and five to make up numbers and balance the girl and boy numbers. I have no idea who we excluded, no one on purpose. By the time he left nursery he had two very good friends he adored, despite the fact his language skills hadnt really caught up. My son is NT so I know it’s not the same problem but I wanted to reassure yu that the logic for inviting kids is often flawed -aside from very close or family friends, who is who at nursery is not really very well known by many parents.

Also my ds best friend (not at nursery) had only a family party as it’s a large family and his mum felt a nursery party too would be overwhelming (and same again when he was 5).

Have you organised play dates with nursery friends eg meet up at local soft play or playground?

Do you have the phone numbers of his best friends’ mums?

Did you invite the nursery gang to your DS 4th birthday?

A lot of this is going to be down to you to do some social engineering.

If ChildA is having a birthday and mum says, “you can invite 12 friends, who do you like playing with most?” Then if your ds has been having trouble with social interactions he won’t be top of ChildA’s mind, or he’ll be top of mind for the wrong reasons (ie childA says he doesn’t like him and they don’t play together).

So Instead of getting depressed about it, DO something. Create some social situations where you know your ds will be in his element - whether that’s running round the park, or a 1:1 play date with cars and cake decorating. And invite someone from nursery.

your dc is only age 4 you have plenty of time to help him find buddies. He will, in due course and with some help.

This is absolutely lovely!

I'm sorry to say OP but my autistic brother was invited to only a handful of birthday parties over his entire time at school. On those occasions he did not know how to behave. He either ran riot or sat in the corner not talking to anyone. I suspect when he was older he was invited for presents because my mum tried to make up for his social shortcomings by buying nice presents for the birthday boy/girl. It really wasn't fair on him.

That being said, birthday parties are not the be all and end all of socialisation. He was much better 121 and on days out, and improved as he got older. He is now in his 20s and has attended "parties" at work and is okay.

I have ND and NT children much older than yours (teens and tweens) and I want to say to you that you must handle this in a really upbeat way. You need to model resilience here, it comes from you. This will happen in their lives. Not everyone gets an invite. It’s numbers, money, knowing the other mums better. It’s not about the kids 9 times out of 10. Show your child their worth isn’t measured in invites and BELIEVE that yourself because it’s true.

I think people should go out of their way to include, unless a child is a bully or violent which is a different ballgame. Not on to exclude children on the basis of autism or adhd upsetting them when they haven't done anything wrong. Adults should know better

My two girls are diagnosed autistic. The youngest was often not invited to parties throughout primary school, she was rarely aware, and due to her autism preferred her own company and being at home rather than in an overstimulating environment.

I don’t believe that other parents and kids are actively discriminating in all of these cases. As my daughter didn’t have the most refined social skills, she just didn’t make friends easily, and therefore wasn’t invited because she wasn’t friends with the whole class.

I agree with others that it usually comes down to numbers and limitations, and at some point in the future, you may host a party yourself that another parent is hurt about because their child is not invited.

Mother of autistic 10 year old with ehcp.

This is going to be his life. But that’s ok. If he’s like mine he will HATE parties anyway.

It may not have been a whole class party. In any case, start growing a rhino skin. DD has ASD and learning difficulties, no challenging behaviours, a super gentle souls and was excluded from all parties throughout primary (also whole class). It's part of the SN parcel.

Op do you want your son to stay in mainstream school? My son is yr 5 and we are battling for an ehcp now so I can get him into an alternative setting. I wish I'd been able to do it years ago.

Every child is different so mainstream might be a good option for your son. My son is bright academically but I realise he needs to be with his "tribe" of fellow nd friends as the gap between him and his classmates has grown (it was never easy).

He goes to club outside of school where he's gravitated towards others like him and I see how happy and relaxed he is then.

I wish someone had told me years ago to insist the school try for an echp then and that alternative schooling was a valid option.

Hugs xx

I have ASD twins in reception and they never get invited to parties either tbh. For their party I invited the entire class 20 kids) and 4 kids came, the other 16 didn't even bother RSVP'ING despite being sent this invite twice 🤷‍♀️ it's not easy and you know it'll be hard for the kids when they start to realise. Not sure how I'll cope with it all but we will somehow (will probably cost me a fortune in treats). We've been trying to develop some friends outside school and that's showing some promise 💐

Agree - I obviously don’t know every child with SEN in DS’s class, but the one boy who I know definitely does have ASD was invited to lots of parties in reception, and lots of people went to his (he then left for a special school in year 1 so not sure what happened after that).

Really sad to hear all these stories about little children being left out.

at my son’s nursery it’s seems very hit and miss who gets invited! We went to a third birthday recently and we were one of 3 nursery families out of about 20 kids in his class. As there is no set pick up time or drop of time, parents don’t really know each other so suspect they just asked her who she plays with and they invited a group. He’s been going there for 2 years and this was the first party he was invited to and am sure there have been more we have missed - so would try not to read too much into it but maybe look at asking nursery if he has any special friends and maybe arrange some play dates.

i wasn’t going to have a party for 30 children when my son wanted a small party of 8 just for the sake of no being excluded

I guess it depends on how he behaves with other children. I've had 2 kids with additional needs physically attack my child. They won't be invited to her birthday party. One scratched her face so badly it's marked. The other slapped her in the face and twisted her arm. They are 5. Anyone, who hurts my child won't be included and I won't be making allowances. We won't be doing a whole class party because my daughter doesn't want them there and I don't blame her.

As per my username, my son is likely autistic, although he’s very verbal and is sociable and enjoys parties a lot. He is sometimes invited but often not - I know because the other mums will mention parties on the group chat quite frequently that we know nothing about. We’re very much still at the stage of big invite a large number of children parties, and although I can’t be sure, it does feel like most other children are invited. His best friends certainly always seem to be invited.

It makes me really sad. He’s only ever been well behaved and happy at parties he has been invited to, so it’s not due to a bad experience with him at a party. He actually masks a lot and it’s mostly at home that he presents as clearly autistic. He can be shy though and I wonder if he’s not being invited because he doesn’t put himself out there and isn’t one of the ‘popular’ kids.

I do think leaving one or a small handful of children out when you’re having an ‘invite the whole class’ type of party isn’t very kind and certainly isn’t inclusive. If it’s more of a small group pay per kid kind of thing then I understand it more.

Don’t think anyone is suggesting that - more that you don’t invite 29 out of 30 kids and exclude the one child with autism.

If you are inviting your child’s 8 closest friends and the child with autism isn’t somebody she plays with, obviously no need to invite them. I don’t think anyone wants a pity invite.