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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You look great…. For your age!!

70 replies

FuckOffTom · 03/04/2024 21:59

AIBU to be depressed that people qualify paying a compliment with ‘for your age’

I am thirty fucking nine. And yes, I feel depressed that I am going to turn 40 soon (if anyone can impart any words of wisdom to cheer me up, please do!)

Ive mentioned in a lighthearted fashion to people that I feel a bit down about this (yes, I know I am being a brat about it) and I get “you look fabulous for your age!” Or “you are really healthy for your age!” Am I being unreasonable to be narked by this?

OP posts:
lzzyJ · 03/04/2024 22:03

Ultimately you're being told you look great though. 39 isn't old. In 20 years you'll give anything to be 39 again so just enjoy it. (I'm only a bit older).

Original poster
FuckOffTom · 03/04/2024 22:04

That’s what I keep trying to tell myself!

OP posts:
MrsO3 · 03/04/2024 22:04

Depressed? Really?
Just take the compliments. If you’re mentioning your age and the fact you’re turning 40 soon to people then of course they’re going to comment back regarding your age

YaMuvva · 03/04/2024 22:05

People are saying you look younger than you are. Absolutely nothing to be upset about

EveryoneJapan · 03/04/2024 22:06

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest - it’s all a compliment. Then again, I’m not particularly hung up on my age; it is what it is, none of us are getting out of this alive.

Original poster
FuckOffTom · 03/04/2024 22:06

I know, I know. I am being pathetic. I honestly do recognise this. Just wish I wasn’t so wounded about it!

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 03/04/2024 22:07

Will it cheer you up if I tell you that as a teacher I once told a Y9 class that it was my birthday and they immediately demanded to know how old I was?

When I said, 'I'm 50 today,' it cheered me up for about 10 seconds when one of them said, 'OMG - you don't look it!' (I am much older now, btw)

They immediately followed that with, 'You're as old as my Nan'...

DramaAlpaca · 03/04/2024 22:08

lzzyJ · 03/04/2024 22:03

Ultimately you're being told you look great though. 39 isn't old. In 20 years you'll give anything to be 39 again so just enjoy it. (I'm only a bit older).

Yes, this. I AM twenty years older and I'd love to look as good as I did at 39.

SouthEastCoast · 03/04/2024 22:14

When I was in my 40s and dating I heard this all the bloody time and I hated it. I used to tell them it’s only a compliment up until the for your age… yes it’s a massive insult, baffled at how many think it’s a compliment

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 03/04/2024 22:23

I came on all set to agree with you but then I spotted that you havw brought it up in the context of your age so it's your own fault.

I get what you mean in general though. A colleague in her 20's once made a big deal of not believing my age when I turned 40 (I had to take ID out) then loudly declared that if she looked as good as I did at 40 she'd be thrilled. Was she well intentioned? Most certainly. But the subtext wasn't; 'i obviously look better than you now as I'm younger... ' society is very ageist.

redalex261 · 03/04/2024 22:27

I didn’t get the depression at 40 thing. (Or at 30 or 50). My friend was traumatised at every milestone birthday and became really down for several months beforehand. Because she went on about it so much she did get the “great looking for you age” comments. It didn’t make her feel better, as the issue was how she had always felt about forty something women (irrelevant, invisible) and not others’ opinions on appearance. But she did get over it, and has now achieved the post fifty “do not give a fuck” attitude that’s so liberating.
Just try not to focus on the number. The older you get the more you have to check yourself to confirm the correct age anyway! I mean what’s the alternative? You either turn forty or die before you get there.

NotCute · 03/04/2024 22:40

You're going to be forty, God willing

So it's somebody else's turn to be twenty five. Take a compliment where you can girl and go touch some grass.

toomuchfaff · 03/04/2024 22:42

FuckOffTom · 03/04/2024 21:59

AIBU to be depressed that people qualify paying a compliment with ‘for your age’

I am thirty fucking nine. And yes, I feel depressed that I am going to turn 40 soon (if anyone can impart any words of wisdom to cheer me up, please do!)

Ive mentioned in a lighthearted fashion to people that I feel a bit down about this (yes, I know I am being a brat about it) and I get “you look fabulous for your age!” Or “you are really healthy for your age!” Am I being unreasonable to be narked by this?

words of wisdom, or things to cheer you up... mmm

least you're not (insert non offensive number here)!!!
least they saying you look good?

Rosebud21 · 03/04/2024 22:47

YANBU, it's a rude way of saying you look good

SleepingStandingUp · 03/04/2024 22:52

I get it op, it's the "you look great (considering you're so old)". "Geez, you look got for nearly decrepite. You wouldn't look crazy if you were mid thirties but for nearly 40? Well done you!!"

See also comments about being attractive despite your weight etc.

However it isn't meant to hurt. It's meant to say you look good. 40 felt like 39 and feels like 42. Nothing changed. I'm still about 26 inside.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 03/04/2024 22:55

You don't feel depressed about ageing.

Depression is a severely debilitating illness that has no cause. It's a chemical imbalance. It's not about something.

Please don't use the phrase in such a frivolous way about something that it literally happening to everyone.

Original poster
FuckOffTom · 03/04/2024 22:57

I will phrase things exactly how I want to. Stop looking for reasons to be offended.
It may interest you to know that I do have a lot of experience with actually, clinically diagnosed depression in my past. Or it might not. I don’t care either way.

OP posts:
Hedonism · 03/04/2024 22:58

Someone recently told me that I have aged well.

I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

RainingOnMyFace · 03/04/2024 23:05

Yes, you wouldn't say to someone, "you look great for your weight".

Incidentally I don't look great for either my age or weight so thankfully I don't have this problem.

BigWillyLittleTodger · 03/04/2024 23:19

SouthEastCoast · 03/04/2024 22:14

When I was in my 40s and dating I heard this all the bloody time and I hated it. I used to tell them it’s only a compliment up until the for your age… yes it’s a massive insult, baffled at how many think it’s a compliment

Agreed, at best it’s a backhanded compliment, ‘for your age’ is insulting.

herecomesthesun24 · 03/04/2024 23:37

A colleague complimented me on the jumper I was wearing recently as the colours made me 'look young'. Obviously trying to be nice (I think) but it's actually a bit rude. Or is looking good only allowed when you are youthful?!

LoserWinner · 03/04/2024 23:50

Turning 40 is fabulous. People start to take you more seriously - seem that’s the age you count as a proper adult. I loved my 40s (but a good while ago now).

BigWillyLittleTodger · 03/04/2024 23:50

Or is looking good only allowed when you are youthful?!

Yes it’s the incredulity that anyone middle aged and beyond could possibly look good!

thoseinperil · 03/04/2024 23:53

If you said you feel down about your looks they'd say you look great. If you said you're down about your age and looks they'll say you look great for your age.

fretaway · 04/04/2024 00:02

It is a compliment, same as “you don’t look your age”, which you could get at any age.

I recently had “I didn’t recognise you, you look younger” from a school mum. I was going to a work thing so had make up on, I usually am slumming it on the school run. 😂