Page 3 | You look great…. For your age!!

FuckOffTom · 2024-04-03T20:59:57+00:00

AIBU to be depressed that people qualify paying a compliment with ‘for your age’ I am thirty fucking nine. And yes, I feel depressed that I am going to turn 40 soon (if anyone can impart any words of wisdom to cheer me up, please do!) Ive mentioned in a lighthearted fashion to people that I feel a bit down about this (yes, I know I am being a brat about it) and I get “you look fabulous for your age!” Or “you are really healthy for your age!” Am I being unreasonable to be narked by this?

EmpressSoleil · 05/04/2024 12:21

I agree with Disturbia. I'm in my 50s and have some old schoolfriends on FB, along with an assortment of relatives. Mixed male and female. All the women look almost exactly like they did at school, just older! The men do all look like potatoes, bar I think one, who is/was really good looking. If I didn't see the name by the pictures I'd barely know it's them, whereas the women I would all recognise.

It's one of the reasons I've given up dating. Any man in his 50s that I would fancy, could do better than me 😂

I will confess that if I see a picture of a 50+ celeb who looks good, I do think "she looks good for her age". I think this is because I don't think they look younger. Just that they look better than the "average" of that age, I guess. But they're not going to look better than someone of the same level of attractiveness, but who is 25 yrs younger. That's just life. Cindy Crawford and her daughter are a good example of this. Cindy looks great of course, for her age! But her daughter has the looks and the youth.

Shizzlestix · 05/04/2024 12:46

Hatty65 · 03/04/2024 22:07

Will it cheer you up if I tell you that as a teacher I once told a Y9 class that it was my birthday and they immediately demanded to know how old I was?

When I said, 'I'm 50 today,' it cheered me up for about 10 seconds when one of them said, 'OMG - you don't look it!' (I am much older now, btw)

They immediately followed that with, 'You're as old as my Nan'...

Kids are far too honest sometimes! One of mine told me they thought I was about 28-I’m almost double that. Another one told him he was being ridiculous and I was obviously at least in my 40s. Could have kissed them both! (Of course wouldn’t ever!)

Following a significant weight loss, I saw my family for the first time in ages and they told me I risk looking ‘haggard’ so posted a photo which lots of people commented on, saying they thought I looked great-for my age. 🤬🤣 Kind of a backhanded compliment but I see the intention/idea behind the comments. I preferred the simple ‘You look great’ without any qualifiers.

DearSilverGirl · 05/04/2024 13:04

Honestly, if someone told me i looked great for my age, I'd think they were a massive dickhead. It's a completely unnecessary qualifier- what is it for? To stop you thinking they mean you look 21? It also comes loaded with implied judgments about age being a negative rather than a privilege. And it's a sort of negging- "you look great but not that great"- which I associate with complete bell ends.

If someone looks great, say that. It doesn't need the qualifier and it's not as if people don't know how old they are. We all know that it's a context-specific compliment, we don't need that context pointed out. "You look relatively great in light of the various negatives" is a compliment I can do without.

Anyone who pretends society doesn't view youth as more attractive than age is fooling themselves.

This is true but it's also irrelevant. Society also views being slim as more attractive than being overweight but that doesn't mean we can go round saying "you look great for someone so fat" and expect it to be well-received.

Compliments should be freely meant and expressed, not hedged in with qualifiers. If I tell me 95 year old gran she looks great, she knows I don't mean the same thing as saying that Zendaya looks great, she doesn't need me to spell out that I mean FOR A 95 YEAR OLD as if she might have forgotten and get ideas above herself.

AquaBee · 05/04/2024 13:14

I posted a similar thread just now weirdly enough!
My colleague is 40 but looks 19/20, even younger at some points.
She always gets the "You look incredibly young for someone of your age." As if she is completely past it....

Disturbia81 · 05/04/2024 13:53

DearSilverGirl · 05/04/2024 13:04

Honestly, if someone told me i looked great for my age, I'd think they were a massive dickhead. It's a completely unnecessary qualifier- what is it for? To stop you thinking they mean you look 21? It also comes loaded with implied judgments about age being a negative rather than a privilege. And it's a sort of negging- "you look great but not that great"- which I associate with complete bell ends.

If someone looks great, say that. It doesn't need the qualifier and it's not as if people don't know how old they are. We all know that it's a context-specific compliment, we don't need that context pointed out. "You look relatively great in light of the various negatives" is a compliment I can do without.

Anyone who pretends society doesn't view youth as more attractive than age is fooling themselves.

This is true but it's also irrelevant. Society also views being slim as more attractive than being overweight but that doesn't mean we can go round saying "you look great for someone so fat" and expect it to be well-received.

Compliments should be freely meant and expressed, not hedged in with qualifiers. If I tell me 95 year old gran she looks great, she knows I don't mean the same thing as saying that Zendaya looks great, she doesn't need me to spell out that I mean FOR A 95 YEAR OLD as if she might have forgotten and get ideas above herself.

All this! Well said.
why can’t people just say “you look fab/great/beautiful” without the add on?
I’ve not had it yet, but got a reply ready for when it happens. 😆

tryingtohelp82 · 05/04/2024 14:01

EmpressSoleil · 05/04/2024 12:21

I agree with Disturbia. I'm in my 50s and have some old schoolfriends on FB, along with an assortment of relatives. Mixed male and female. All the women look almost exactly like they did at school, just older! The men do all look like potatoes, bar I think one, who is/was really good looking. If I didn't see the name by the pictures I'd barely know it's them, whereas the women I would all recognise.

It's one of the reasons I've given up dating. Any man in his 50s that I would fancy, could do better than me 😂

I will confess that if I see a picture of a 50+ celeb who looks good, I do think "she looks good for her age". I think this is because I don't think they look younger. Just that they look better than the "average" of that age, I guess. But they're not going to look better than someone of the same level of attractiveness, but who is 25 yrs younger. That's just life. Cindy Crawford and her daughter are a good example of this. Cindy looks great of course, for her age! But her daughter has the looks and the youth.

I think your first bit is right, but the second is feeding into the “youth is better” line. I’m bisexual and think women look so much more attractive as they age. Still have the beauty plus all the life experience and wisdom glowing out.

ArtyWren · 05/04/2024 15:38

It’s not a compliment, although I think for many people, when they say it, they genuinely think it is. But I find it insulting and ageist. No body really says that to men, it’s usually just women who get those kind of remarks. But then women are still told and made to believe that their value, as human beings, lies in their youth and beauty. This starts in their childhood. Again, men are never conditioned to think that about themselves. It’s messed up.

Disturbia81 · 05/04/2024 23:01

ArtyWren · 05/04/2024 15:38

It’s not a compliment, although I think for many people, when they say it, they genuinely think it is. But I find it insulting and ageist. No body really says that to men, it’s usually just women who get those kind of remarks. But then women are still told and made to believe that their value, as human beings, lies in their youth and beauty. This starts in their childhood. Again, men are never conditioned to think that about themselves. It’s messed up.

Really messed up.

PenguinLord · 05/04/2024 23:03

At least they dont tell you "You look great for 55!"

mrlistersgelfbride · 05/04/2024 23:05

I remember an 18 year old saying that to me when I was 26 🤣

I'm 39 too. I'm sure I've heard this again recently. Or 'you don't look 39'.
It means I don't look my age but I don't look 20. Maybe I look 30 or 35. Which is fine by me! I think this is kind of what the comment means.

ArtyWren · 06/04/2024 08:03

mrlistersgelfbride · 05/04/2024 23:05

I remember an 18 year old saying that to me when I was 26 🤣

I'm 39 too. I'm sure I've heard this again recently. Or 'you don't look 39'.
It means I don't look my age but I don't look 20. Maybe I look 30 or 35. Which is fine by me! I think this is kind of what the comment means.

But this kind of statement praise’s women for their perceived youth and not the actual person that they are. So a women’s value is in her beauty and youth. How could that ever be a true compliment? Men are never spoken to like this. You are 39, and it’s a truly fantastic age and so much to look forward to. You have already been 30 and 35. And yet society still dictates to us that we are not good enough once we hit a certain age, and with these “you don’t look your age” comments it’s like saying “you still, maybe, some how are enough, because you can still pass as more youthful in appearance”. This belief needs to be turned on its head.

EmpressSoleil · 06/04/2024 11:00

People keep saying that this isn’t said to men. Yes it is. DD and I watch “mafs” together (guilty pleasure!) and they had a man in his early 60s on there. One of the first things he said in his interview was that people often told him he looked good for his age. At the stag do, the other men were saying “I hope I look as good as you in my 60’s” so absolutely yes it does happen to men. I think it’s just because less men look “good for their age” than women, so we don’t hear it as frequently!

All this about men don’t judge other men. Absolutely they do.

Original poster

FuckOffTom · 06/04/2024 12:50

ArtyWren · 06/04/2024 08:03

But this kind of statement praise’s women for their perceived youth and not the actual person that they are. So a women’s value is in her beauty and youth. How could that ever be a true compliment? Men are never spoken to like this. You are 39, and it’s a truly fantastic age and so much to look forward to. You have already been 30 and 35. And yet society still dictates to us that we are not good enough once we hit a certain age, and with these “you don’t look your age” comments it’s like saying “you still, maybe, some how are enough, because you can still pass as more youthful in appearance”. This belief needs to be turned on its head.

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Totally agree with this!

OP posts:

CoatRack · 06/04/2024 13:06

Good god these people...

"Wah people don't compliment me the way I want them too!"

bradpittsbathwater · 06/04/2024 15:47

CoatRack · 06/04/2024 13:06

Good god these people...

"Wah people don't compliment me the way I want them too!"

Ha yes. I had an ex that did this all the time. Absolute narcissist.

EmbarrassingMother · 06/04/2024 16:01

I turned 41 this year. Get told regularly I look young for my age. All my children’s friends tell my kids how young I look and that they thought I was an older sister..and my teen daughter’s friends always tell her that I’m beautiful and can’t believe I’m 40, like it’s ancient 😂. I love it! I was an uggo as a child and was never a head turner. I suddenly felt so comfortable in my mid 30’s and I really blossomed.
Enjoy your compliments! Being 40 isn’t so bad, I feel happier now and more confident than I did in my 20s and early 30’s.

NalafromtheLionKing · 06/04/2024 16:06

Honestly, it is depressing how our looks change and this speeds up late 30s/early 40s (there are only so many photos I can see of myself before staying in denial isn’t an option!).

However, there are many great things about this age, in my case the fact that I am so much better off financially than when I was younger and am now enjoying a lot of exciting travel with my family. So many people who died young would love to swap places with us.

Lavender14 · 06/04/2024 16:07

I don't think it's a back handed comment unless the person saying it is known to be nasty.

Your age is just a fact op. No matter what (understandable) feeling you might have about it, it just is what it is. So people telling you that are saying you look better than most people of the same age. I personally would take it as a compliment.

I think where it kicks a bit is when you're in your 20s etc that bit isn't added on and the implication is that you start to not look as 'stereotypically ' attractive as you age past your 30s but again, I think that's just a fact that we live in the world we do and there's a set of ridiculous beauty standards a lot of people are used to working off that don't include fine lines or wrinkles or age spots etc etc. So my guess is that is why it's bothering you deep down... what matters is whether you confirm to those standards yourself or not. If you don't then it won't really matter to you as much!

Disturbia81 · 06/04/2024 22:57

@ArtyWren well said. Looking young shouldn't be a compliment.
I feel better in my 40s than I've ever felt appearance wise

Appalonia · 06/04/2024 23:31

My 40s were def my best decade ! ( until I was 47, got made redundant and ended up being a carer for elderly parents...) I'd BLOODY LOVE to be 40 again! Just enjoy it, there's nothing you can do about the passing of time, make the most of it, and don't put off doing things you want to do as time really starts to speed up and the good health you currently enjoy won't last for ever...