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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You look great…. For your age!!

70 replies

FuckOffTom · 03/04/2024 21:59

AIBU to be depressed that people qualify paying a compliment with ‘for your age’

I am thirty fucking nine. And yes, I feel depressed that I am going to turn 40 soon (if anyone can impart any words of wisdom to cheer me up, please do!)

Ive mentioned in a lighthearted fashion to people that I feel a bit down about this (yes, I know I am being a brat about it) and I get “you look fabulous for your age!” Or “you are really healthy for your age!” Am I being unreasonable to be narked by this?

OP posts:
Teawaster · 04/04/2024 00:30

All a bit bonkers really.
At 61, I'm really old to people in their 20s and 30s, even if I still feel that age! I don't look as good as I did when I was 30, 40 or 50 but I look ok for my age...I think.
My MIL is 95 and was in hospital recently. Lots of the nurses were telling her how well she looked for her age and how they would like to look as well as her and be as active when they got to her age. It's ridiculous to say that they were insulting her by implying that they look better than her now.

Purpletractor · 04/04/2024 00:45

I agree with @LoserWinner . I’m planning my 50th party. My 40s have been my absolute best decade. I’m hoping my 50s will be even better. I think I’ve largely stopped caring what other people think.

satonmyhat · 04/04/2024 04:11

Yeah, I get this. It's an odd combination of patronising and a back-handed compliment.
I'd rather not hear it, I don't give a shit if you think I'm much less fuckable than a 25 year old, I wouldn't have shagged you then and I still wouldn't. Rant over Grin

OccultGnuNew · 04/04/2024 06:52

RainingOnMyFace - Yes, you wouldn't say to someone, "you look great for your weight". I'm 62 and very much at the age of being vaguely patronised by the younger folk, I would so like to use this as a reply 😊

satonmyhat -I'd rather not hear it, I don't give a shit if you think I'm much less fuckable than a 25 year old, I wouldn't have shagged you then and I still wouldn't. Yes! That really sums up my feelings on this as well.

I can imagine any conversation grinding to a halt if I use either of these, although there may well be circumstances when it's worth it. Can anyone suggest a less nuclear option? Or should I just have the extra pint of ale and say it anyway?

Happyboom · 04/04/2024 06:57

This started happening to me as I turned 40, but before that no-one ever told me I looked great, so just take it.

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/04/2024 07:11

Last year I was told I was ‘wearing well’. I took it as a compliment although I turned 40 last year and was massively affected by it! I know it’s irrational!

SevenSeasOfRhye · 04/04/2024 07:37

Anyone who pretends society doesn't view youth as more attractive than age is fooling themselves.

Anyone who is so accustomed to receiving compliments that they can nit-pick over the wording of them should count themselves lucky.

abracadabra1980 · 04/04/2024 07:39

My kids (when about 13/14) once stated that "anyone who is 20 is old, and can't possibly be cool"! Stop worrying about what others think - you can't control it - put it into perspective, it's a compliment!

Original poster
FuckOffTom · 04/04/2024 07:42

SevenSeasOfRhye · 04/04/2024 07:37

Anyone who pretends society doesn't view youth as more attractive than age is fooling themselves.

Anyone who is so accustomed to receiving compliments that they can nit-pick over the wording of them should count themselves lucky.

Good point, well made

OP posts:
Revelatio · 04/04/2024 07:45

It annoys me too. I had this when I turned 40. I didn’t even think 40 was that old. The person saying it was 36, I could understand if they were 20!!

bradpittsbathwater · 04/04/2024 07:46

I'm exactly the same age and take it as a compliment. You're hardly old ffs.

Original poster
FuckOffTom · 04/04/2024 07:58

Revelatio · 04/04/2024 07:45

It annoys me too. I had this when I turned 40. I didn’t even think 40 was that old. The person saying it was 36, I could understand if they were 20!!

I had it said to me by a recently turned 39 year old!

OP posts:
letitlego · 04/04/2024 12:47

If you're depressed now, wait until you're 45

🤣

Alwaystired23 · 04/04/2024 13:21

I was 40 last year. I dont really care anymore. Age is but a number! I am going to try and take better care of my health, though, now I am 40. My aunt died suddenly at 51, so I welcome every year of getting older, and I'm glad I'm still here.

LunaNorth · 04/04/2024 13:35

You should worry. I’ve just been asked for the first time if I have any grandchildren.

Even more sobering than the first grey pube Sad

satonmyhat · 04/04/2024 23:31

SevenSeasOfRhye · 04/04/2024 07:37

Anyone who pretends society doesn't view youth as more attractive than age is fooling themselves.

Anyone who is so accustomed to receiving compliments that they can nit-pick over the wording of them should count themselves lucky.

That's a fair point.
At the risk of doing a Samantha Brick....
I think that I was hassled/complimented so much when I was younger (I absolutely hated the amount of sexual attention I got because it started when I was in primary school and could be relentless, aggressive and made me feel very unsafe and I hated it) that it was a relief when I have become older I was becoming invisible to those type of men. And the type of women who view you as someone you are in a competition with.
(I'm not remotely a supermodel, more littlewoods catalogue on a good day, but I stand out because of my ethnic background).

Now some idiots act like I should be so grateful they have assessed my attractiveness and I passed the grade 'for my age', sorry they can fuck off if they think I'm going to gush and blush and flutter my thinning eyelashes at them or that their unsolicited opinion means anything to me.
I think it's really shit that some people think women's attractiveness is only based on their youth/vulnerability/naivety when men 'improve with age' (not my observation)

Lavenderandbrown · 05/04/2024 01:04

Op 40 is very young. It’s viewed as a dreaded milestone birthday but it’s not. I felt age 50 was much more significant in terms of bodily changes and looking older. I’m thankful my changes are limited to jaw line/forehead and biceps..not real health issues just vanity. So not to be doomsdaying you but do enjoy the next ten years. “For your age” is still a compliment try to see it as a genuine compliment. We all make comments/compliments which may be a bit awkward or no longer socially correct (such as complimenting weight loss) but still intended to be genuine. Happy birthday OP another year to be grateful for.

Original poster
FuckOffTom · 05/04/2024 07:08

Lavenderandbrown · 05/04/2024 01:04

Op 40 is very young. It’s viewed as a dreaded milestone birthday but it’s not. I felt age 50 was much more significant in terms of bodily changes and looking older. I’m thankful my changes are limited to jaw line/forehead and biceps..not real health issues just vanity. So not to be doomsdaying you but do enjoy the next ten years. “For your age” is still a compliment try to see it as a genuine compliment. We all make comments/compliments which may be a bit awkward or no longer socially correct (such as complimenting weight loss) but still intended to be genuine. Happy birthday OP another year to be grateful for.

Thank you, this is a lovely post!

OP posts:
ThePerfectDog · 05/04/2024 07:14

Forties are a great decade, the freedom they bring is refreshing.

It’s not in the slightest bit old - my daughter turns forty next year and I still call her and my sons ‘the kids’.

Iamnotalemming · 05/04/2024 07:18

The problem with that type of compliment is that it feels conditional. But it mostly speaks to the person giving it (maybe they are sensitive about their own looks).

Turning 40 is awesome. I am a few years ahead of you and I just feel so much more clarity of what I want in life, not giving fucks, etc. Enjoy it.

TheaBrandt · 05/04/2024 07:21

Many of my clients are extremely old 90 plus. To them at 49 am a mere slip of a girl. To my teens I am an ancient has been. So all relative

Left · 05/04/2024 07:42

I can feel depressed about my age, I worry that I’ve achieved so little in the time that I’ve had. In terms of career, personal development, friendship groups, family etc, physicality and fitness. Looks don’t come into it - however if I mention that I feel my age then I get a similar comment., such as “you don’t look it”.

I understand that they probably wanted to say something nice to cheer me up, and I know that I haven’t laid bare my real concerns, so they won’t necessarily know that actually these other issues are on my mind. But it does make me feel unseen to be reduced to looks when I’m more concerned about my body failing, my mental capacity, feeling unfulfilled etc.

Hope you’re okay OP. Is there anything worrying you about this milestone?

Sorciere1 · 05/04/2024 09:49

SevenSeasOfRhye · 04/04/2024 07:37

Anyone who pretends society doesn't view youth as more attractive than age is fooling themselves.

Anyone who is so accustomed to receiving compliments that they can nit-pick over the wording of them should count themselves lucky.

This is it, and by society we mean men. It's men , gay and straight, who care about youth, and it makes sense from an evolutionary perspective.
Women aren't this way naturally, until society and advertising brainwashes them that being 40, a middle-age Karen, means their days of being sexually attractive is over.

How do I know this; I'm a lesbian and can tell you being 40 is great and you can find a partner easily well into your 60s.

Not all men want a 20 year old but our culture is a youth one fixated on never turning into a sexy confident 40-something woman.

Disturbia81 · 05/04/2024 11:27

LoserWinner · 03/04/2024 23:50

Turning 40 is fabulous. People start to take you more seriously - seem that’s the age you count as a proper adult. I loved my 40s (but a good while ago now).

Yeah same, I don't get this invisibility thing people go on about? I feel since about 38 I've been more and more visible every year. Everyone talks to me, all ages. I am finally in the adult world.
I see it's the same with much older people too, really part of society and the adult world.

Disturbia81 · 05/04/2024 11:32

@satonmyhat I know it's not you saying it but men really don't improve with age. Most of them look like potatoes with eyes, ruddy drinkers skin and missing teeth. Still with the ego that "men age better" and perving on 20 year olds thinking they could have a chance. Nah women look fat better as they age.