Fed up of being lonely- anyone else?

[Rainbowpop]

I have a supportive family I see weekly, and I know that's a lot more than many people have, so I'm very grateful for that.

However, I am single, no children and a small number of close friendships. I have 2 good friends at work, which I'm lucky to have. I was close friends with a guy but that's been trashed now because I developed feelings for him and he didn't want to date at work. It was months ago now but sadly it's not the same, more just friendly colleagues now :(
Aside from that, I get on well with plenty of people there, but we're just friendly, they wouldn't go out of their way to talk to me.
I'm still friends with an ex, we chat often but I don't see him much at all.
And then I have around 5 friends who I see twice a year if I'm lucky.
You're probably reading this and thinking what is she complaining about? I work from home 3 days per week and can go several days without speaking to or seeing anyone apart from by message.
I'm 33, we're told to make new friends via clubs and hobbies, however it's just not always easy to gel with people or to build deeper connections.
We're always told 'people are busy and have their own lives going on" and that we should be grateful to expect even a text once every 3 years from a friend and stop being needy.
So I don't know what the solution is really.
I don't think I'm an unlikeable person, people are always friendly to me and seem to like me, I just don't know how to get those deeper connections.

I get people have their own lives going on, that usually means work, spouse and children and sadly you're at the bottom of their priority list. I'd just like to be a higher up priority for somebody like they are for me.

Have you tried the clubs and hobbies route? I totally understand how you feel about living alone and working from home, it's very isolating but even if you don't form deep long-term friendships with people, just being around others at something like a gym class or book group is good for your mental health. A shared interest is usually a good starting point for forming new friendships as you've already got something in common.

That's a good point about the fact of just being around people, hopefully that'd help :) i do go to the gym but sadly people don't look very approach, or it's just pervy men :/
I'll keep trying with groups. I'll try to keep a positive outlook but it's tough.

I agree with PP, why not try the hobbies / groups route, but not necessarily expect to make best friends. I go to a choir and I look forward to seeing those people each week; and often I see them around the town we live on. I’m not really ‘friends’ with any of them but it’s still nice having interaction and familiarity

yeah my gym is a bit "gym bro" and can feel intimidating (and I'm not usually affected by such things) but the classes tend to have more women and whilst i'm not a big fan of many of the classes I try to do one a week and if you go to the same one regularly people and the instructors start to recognise you and chat a bit more, or at least there's usually a few collective groans and moans and relief at the end! My other hobby group is very sociable and there's often spin-off meet ups and social events as well as the "official" organised sessions. I can honestly say I've met some very good and close friends through that.

How about a change of job? WFH 3 days a week might not be helping.

Look on event brite or meet for social events near you, painting, cycling, cricket, weightlifting, mostly what ever you are in to will be there somewhere

Could you find an evening class (hobby, exercise, yoga etc) for each evening you wfh, even if you don’t immediately make a close connection there at least you are getting out of the house and being around people on those days.

Agree with PP to join meet up and makes plans on weekends or volunteer?

Also would you consider online dating? It can be a good way to meet a partner, I know many friends and family who have done it this way.

Im in a walking group op that helps. Finding friends flaky. Met a nice girl through our school reunion link. But again she took weeks to commit to anything. Even the couples we meet same thing no commitment. Christ its difficult. Im 50s. Your thinking does anyone want keep in touch now.!!

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP, I can only imagine how difficult it is. I also work from home 3 days a week and by the time my husband gets home from work I feel like I basically talk at him for an hour because I feel so lonely all day at home alone!

I agree with others about trying different clubs/hobbies, but I think finding deeper connections is always going to be difficult because as you say everybody has other things going on, partners, pets, kids, work etc. I have a lovely group of friends, we’ve been very close since we were all in school but even then we only see each other maybe twice a month although we do text each other daily.

I’m in the same boat OP.

(And slightly 🙄 that every post so far has said ‘join a group’.)

It is that feeling that you are not particularly important to anyone that gets you down. Having a friendly chat at work or in a hobby group is nice but it is never going to fulfil that gap.

You're at an awkward age OP when people start getting preoccupied with partners and their 'own little family' with friendships often taking second stage. I think you may find it difficult to form sane age/same demographic friendships that are going to last unaffected by that tbh. One option might be to widen your net and look for connections outside of your demographic, older people maybe through a common interest. I do wonder though how much of this is the gap left by the loss of the friend you developed feelings for? If you were close and he took up a lot of headspace you are going to feel lonely until you adjust. Is it just friendships you're after or would you like a relationship?

I understand. I’m 68 and recently retired and find myself very lonely a lot of the time. friends are difficult to make at clubs etc people go there just for the activity and then go home. I’m not sure of any answers as I am asking the question myself. I have volunteered recently and am waiting to hear. I also swim a lot which makes me mix with people.

I'm in a similar position OP. I work from home every day and get on great with my colleagues. However I don't meet people anymore that I want to be friends with (or who want to be friends with me!). Joining clubs is fine but I've also found that people are often just there to do the activity and aren't interested in making friends. I'm in a fantastic relationship so not totally alone but would love some nice close friends like I had when I was younger (I'm 51). My next door neighbours have loads of visitors all the time and family staying over etc and it's hard not to be envious! I feel your pain. I just try to be a good person and have lots of hobbies and interests, some of which involve other people and some don't. Good luck.

The main ways adults meet friends / partners:

• through work (see above)
• through other friends (see above)
• through social / hobby groups
• through online dating (not mentioned but most people will be looking for a relationship rather than a friendship)

So what else do you suggest?

It seems to take a something to take people from acquaintances to deeper friendships - common adversity for example , or simply helping someone at a time of need , which are not every day things

So it takes a long time as adults

Climbing is a good activity - because you have to trust your partner with your life

What kind of hobbies have you tried? Have you done any volunteering?

I think you also have to be a little pushy. Text people regularly that you meet and it may lead onto a friendship.

Look at facebook groups. I met some friends from a single parent group 12 years ago however, from that group I’ve seen that they’ve set up a women’s social group and are always putting on events.

I’m not saying that these are not valid ways to meet people. What I am saying is that meeting people for a couple of hours a week is not the same being in a relationship where you are a priority for someone else.

Yes good tips here. My walking I knew her from school run we do odd coffee now. As pp said you have be a bit pushy. If Im not I see nobody.

Thank you everyone. I'm just scared of being pushy as such as I don't want people to think I'm clingy/annoying/desperate.

People have nailed it when they said it's not about being around others necessarily, it's about feeling you matter.

I guess losing that friend did leave a big gap. With other colleagues, apart from the 2 aforementioned I just know that if I left, I'd probably hardly hear from the others unless it was a big group catch up or something.

I really dislike OLD but I just feel like I'm getting older and don't have much choice.

But don't you realise that these routes are really key ways to meet people initially, to then form these deeper connections. Some of my best friends are people I've met at work, I met my husband at work, I have a social life with multiple groups of people I've met through work places. I have a hobby that I've been at for 12 months and met a load more people who I'm delighted I met and we are in regular contact and have had had social events together. Isn't this how people meet? Not sure what else you could suggest?

You definitely can make friends through clubs / sport / shared interests, but it takes a LONG time, especially if the activity is organised by a third party provider, so you don't need to share phone numbers with the other participants, or set up the meetings

I've made friends through shared activity, but the focus was on the activity and the friendships developed after about 5 years

It definitely takes a long time. I met a few through my daughters sport but we only doing coffees now years later. My friend in a retirement group said the clicks are awful. So not as easy as we think.

oh it definitely takes time and you might need to put a bit of effort in.....do stuff that pushes your boundaries and comfort zone, make an effort to talk to people, attend the additional social events, accept the party invitation even though you'll hardly know anyone there, be the person who asks if anyone needs a lift home or fancies a coffee / pint after the group......

I’m not saying that groups and hobbies or work aren’t a way to meet people!

When you are younger you are mixing with people the same age who don’t already have partners/kids so have more time to spend building up close friendships. There are also going to be more potential partners than when you are in your +50s.

Having regular contact with a group and meeting socially isn’t the same as mattering to someone. Who among the people you’ve know from your latest hobby group really matters to you in the same way your husband might? If you didn't initiate contact with any of them how long would it be before they contacted you?