Fed up of being lonely- anyone else?

[Rainbowpop]

I have a supportive family I see weekly, and I know that's a lot more than many people have, so I'm very grateful for that.

However, I am single, no children and a small number of close friendships. I have 2 good friends at work, which I'm lucky to have. I was close friends with a guy but that's been trashed now because I developed feelings for him and he didn't want to date at work. It was months ago now but sadly it's not the same, more just friendly colleagues now :(
Aside from that, I get on well with plenty of people there, but we're just friendly, they wouldn't go out of their way to talk to me.
I'm still friends with an ex, we chat often but I don't see him much at all.
And then I have around 5 friends who I see twice a year if I'm lucky.
You're probably reading this and thinking what is she complaining about? I work from home 3 days per week and can go several days without speaking to or seeing anyone apart from by message.
I'm 33, we're told to make new friends via clubs and hobbies, however it's just not always easy to gel with people or to build deeper connections.
We're always told 'people are busy and have their own lives going on" and that we should be grateful to expect even a text once every 3 years from a friend and stop being needy.
So I don't know what the solution is really.
I don't think I'm an unlikeable person, people are always friendly to me and seem to like me, I just don't know how to get those deeper connections.

I could see how if there was some sort of group or hobby that you could cope with for 5 years before you made any progress friendship wise then that could be a good option. I've never been convinced by the advice to really force yourself out of your comfort zone or do things you don't like in case it pays off.

Another way of looking at your dilemma OP is to really consider what will best fill the void you're feeling. For some people joining a group and being around people even if only superficial relationships fills a need. For some this does nothing for them and they might be better off using a distraction to cope and keep themselves busy.

It does take time to build friendships.
Is there a local Facebook page, ask if there is anyone who wants to start a book club, walking group, it is easier if it is centred around an activity. See if anyone likes the cinema, theatre etc.

Is there a Parkrun, running club you can join.
Rather than gym, is there a local class you can join.

Is there a Meet up group near by. Also volunteering.
I don't think it is easy but there will be others out there just the same as you.
Any never turn down an invite!

I WFH and live alone and have to make a concerted effort to see people in the evenings or I get very lonely. I've got some nice hobbies and am gradually getting to know people and making friends.
The important thing is to do things you enjoy. One thing will lead on to another, and the friendships will follow.
I know it's hard but I also know it's possible. I'm an introvert and I can do it, and so can you.

Yes my walking lead on to odd coffee. She wants see a show at xmas. So thats good as gets me out.

Why on earth would someone from a hobby group knowing them 12 months matter to me as much as my DH. However if I didn't have a DH I might be currently 6 months in to building a great start with a potential DH. Just like I did 6 months after meeting him.

Sorry to hear that. I do believe there is someone out there for everyone. I think yep hobbies and clubs is probably the way to go. You could even try volunteering at organisations etc as that’s a good way to meet people. I truly hope that you are able to get out there to meet new people and hopefully find the one. Take care

Im clearly not expressing myself well here.

I don’t think it can be assumed that just because you join lots of groups and have lots of superficial relationships that any of them are definitely going to turn into something deep and meaningful, however hard you try. And, the older you get, the less likely you are to meet someone who has the same desire or need because they already have this very close relationships.

But the point is, it doesn’t matter how many friends you have that you see once a week or know through hobbies, you are not important to them in the same way that you can be important to a very close, longstanding friend or a husband or parent. After a while it feels shit to realise that you aren’t anyone’s priority.

So out of curiosity where would you suggest meeting long standing friends and a DH if it can't be through work or a hobby?

I know what you mean, but I do think in general that no friend, no matter how close or longstanding, is ever going to compare to a romantic partner like a husband/wife.

Simply because the fact that they ARE just a friend it means they are not the person you come home to, they aren’t the person you sleep beside at night, eat breakfast with in the morning, not the person you confide most in and vice versa. The relationship you have with a husband or wife is always going to be vastly different from any relationship you have with even the best of friends.

Im not saying you can’t make significant friends or find a partner at work or hobby groups!!!
I’m saying, it is shit when you are not someone’s priority and joining a group isn’t a foolproof solution.

Where do you suggest meeting them? Where do you suggest is foolproof? That's all I'm asking. As all of those who have met someone had to meet them somewhere.

I think a lot of people join clubs hoping to make friends but it takes someone brave enough to make the first move. We have a local women's walking group and nationally there is a group called Love her wild (with local sub groups) worth checking them out if you are at all outdoorsy. Set yourself a goal, say yes to every invite for six months and invite others to do something with you at least once a month! Have a listen to this https://www.youtube.com/live/9tro4_f6oaI?feature=shared

OP was asking about friends though, and I don’t think it’s really fair or reasonable to expect to be “priority” to anyone other than really your partner or maybe your family.

Friends are brilliant and I have an amazing group of very close friends, but I know I’m not any of their priority and they are not mine, we all have husbands, wives, partners, kids, families, yes our friendship is special to all of us but none of us would ever expect or want to be a priority for each other.

No friendship is ever going to replicate a relationship, so maybe what OP is really looking for is a romantic partner rather than meaningful friendships because even meaningful friendships will not fill that void.

Have you tried gym classes rather than just going to use machines? We get on really well in our Zumba class and do social things.

Do you have time to do any volunteering? I've met lots of friends this way. Helping at local cubs/brownies, or at local park run?

Meet up app? We have a couple of active groups locally (and I'm only in a small town) who meet up for walks but also do social events at weekends.

Give @MagpiePi a break!

Ok. I’ll try again…two separate points:

1. Hobby groups and work are good places to meet people and make friends. But, it is not a certainty that any of the people you meet will become very good friends or romantic partners. (Btw, I don’t know of some other magic places that I’m not telling anyone about, where you will definitely meet people with whom you will have a very deep connection. )
2. It is not very nice to realise you are not anyone else’s priority.

Edited to add: I include gym classes, volunteering, using Meetup apps and OLD as places where you can meet people.

I'm seeing an awful lot more lonely people these days. I do wonder if lockdowns and WFH being the norm, have been a factor in all of it.

People don't go out like they used to, the Thursday/Friday night drinks after work don't happen as much so you don't build up friendships like you used to.

I go through phases of being lonely and it can be tough especially when you don't speak to a soul for days. I do wonder what's wrong with me some days. I have some great friends but pinning them down can be tricky.

Whatever. My points were valid, magpie was avoiding answering questions but ok to pull apart my points. So as they were ignoring my questions but just repeating the same points I just tried to narrow down the question to be specific. And magpie still hasn't really got what I mean so I'll leave it there. Magpie is ok saying they feel 😳 at people saying join groups, but there's nothing wrong with joining groups or meeting people in the workplace because one day that person you meet you might discover it is your soul mate. I did. Plenty do.

I honestly think WFH has a lot to answer for in that respect. Without a doubt it’s a positive option for people and it can be a really good thing, but it does mean that people who used to see maybe 10-15 people a day, 5 days a week, in the office now see nobody. It’s not so bad if you live with your family/partner/friends but I can easily see where if you live alone and wfh you could spend weeks on end never actually interacting with another human beyond a “hi” in the supermarket!

On my work from home days I am literally like a duracell bunny when my husband gets home because I feel like I have a full day of chat to make up for!

Yes groups can be good we have a chat on the walks. I agree with pp find it hard to pin friends to dates. One friend kids do loads sports so she really busy. So months do pass

I'm sorry to read your message, but it really resonated with me and want you to know your not alone in feeling like this.
I lost my parents when I was young, i have a son who is 11, he is autistic so can go ong periods without talking. Hes really wonderful, but at times it feel.so.isolating as he is happoest at home just us. I have a younger sister and since she met her partner and had children she makes very little time for me and my son. I have good friends, but they are so busy with their partners/children/jobs/parents etc I see them infrequently. I was with my sister a few weeks ago and her partner called to see if she would grab some milk on the way home and they had a quick discussion about what they were having for tea. It made me feel so lonely. I go days without talking to another adult. I try online dating occasionally, but it's so hard to find anyone I have a good connection with
I'm so happy with almost all other parts of my life, but I so wish I had that 1 special person could share it with, share the mundane. I'm trying to make decisions about some building work and it's so lonely having nobody to discuss it with.

@MagpiePi ""After a while it feels shit to realise that you aren’t anyone’s priority"
I totally understand this. I am in this position. I have found that in lockdown people just disappeared into their families and close circles and it turns out I'm not important to any of them.

I won't get started on the "meeting people" exercise.

OP You are much younger than I am so I'm sure there is hope for you. There might even be hope for me! It feels like a long time since I have been anyone's priority, and that's really really hard.

You’re far from being the only single 33 year old without kids. Prioritise meeting and spending time with people in a similar boat, they’ll have more emotional energy to give you. OLD is potentially a lot less painful if you have a wingwoman who is doing the same thing and you can laugh and moan about bad dates together. I know OLD can be a grind but I do think you should be on it, with temperate expectations but not cynicism, if you want to meet someone. From experience the more active you are on it the more likely are to get matches, so don’t just sit there passively waiting for someone to contact you. Set a target e.g. you’ll flick through 50 profiles a day (choose the highest number you find bearable), and stick with it. Try a few different apps to see which ones work best for you. Make your peace with the fact that flicking through profiles isn’t romantic, it isn’t, but if you persevere I think at your age your chances are good of meeting someone good, and that will be romantic.

The my little family thing definitely existed before the lockdowns but they really accelerated it. I remember going to meetup back when it was a new thing and you could tell a lot of them were mums on their once a month night out. I didn't see any point in trying to get to know them if they could only spare a night a month.

It definitely takes a lot of effort. I have lived in 5 countries and have had to start from scratch each time so I have kind of perfected forming friendships.

What I do is that I say yes to everything, even if it's something I'm not crazy about doing or if I'm feeling tired/not in the mood. With my last move I joined a friendship app and met a whole bunch of women through there. Out of maybe 15 meets 3 are now close friends and their friends have also become my friends so I now have friendship groups. I also dated men (OLD) and a couple of those that it didn't work out with romantically are now friends.

Lastly, I joined a small pilates group and have made two friends from there too. It's taken a couple of years to get to this stage but now I feel like my social life is at a level that I am comfortable with and I don't have time to squeeze much more in and I absolutely feel like I matter to people.