Fed up of being lonely- anyone else?

[Rainbowpop]

I have a supportive family I see weekly, and I know that's a lot more than many people have, so I'm very grateful for that.

However, I am single, no children and a small number of close friendships. I have 2 good friends at work, which I'm lucky to have. I was close friends with a guy but that's been trashed now because I developed feelings for him and he didn't want to date at work. It was months ago now but sadly it's not the same, more just friendly colleagues now :(
Aside from that, I get on well with plenty of people there, but we're just friendly, they wouldn't go out of their way to talk to me.
I'm still friends with an ex, we chat often but I don't see him much at all.
And then I have around 5 friends who I see twice a year if I'm lucky.
You're probably reading this and thinking what is she complaining about? I work from home 3 days per week and can go several days without speaking to or seeing anyone apart from by message.
I'm 33, we're told to make new friends via clubs and hobbies, however it's just not always easy to gel with people or to build deeper connections.
We're always told 'people are busy and have their own lives going on" and that we should be grateful to expect even a text once every 3 years from a friend and stop being needy.
So I don't know what the solution is really.
I don't think I'm an unlikeable person, people are always friendly to me and seem to like me, I just don't know how to get those deeper connections.

@EIIaM I’m not deliberately avoiding answering your questions.
You keep asking ‘where else can you go to meet people apart from clubs and hobby groups then? I met my husband and lots of good friends at groups’ I keep answering ‘I agree, clubs and hobby groups are great and obvious places to meet people BUT it doesn’t necessarily follow that you will meet your future spouse or make deep connections at one’

My original 🙄 response was to a comment in the OP’s first post where she said
I'm 33, we're told to make new friends via clubs and hobbies, however it's just not always easy to gel with people or to build deeper connections.
….and all of the subsequent replies said ‘why don’t you join a group or take up a new hobby’ as though that was the thing she hadn’t tried.

@MagpiePi

But the OP doesn't say she's tried those groups and hobbies.

I'm 33, we're told to make new friends via clubs and hobbies, however it's just not always easy to gel with people or to build deeper connections

It actually sounds like she hasn't tried that at all because it sounds more like she's saying we are told to make friends that way however she doesn't believe it works, therefore has she even tried? That's how this message reads.

Er, to me it reads that she’s tried and found it doesn’t necessarily work.

I wonder why so many people responded saying have you tried the groups then? Because I think to most it's reads that although it's been said to her she hasn't tried it.

But then you still have to meet people to start a friendship that may lead to a relationship. If not directly, then via a set up blind date or someones barbecue or birthday party that you are invited to.

Theres a limited amount of ways to meet people, but the more people you know, the more people you'll meet, ergo more chance of finding one to love.

I absolutely agree with you and everyone who says that going to groups etc are a good way of meeting people, but whether the OP has or hasn't tried them is irrelevant.

What I am trying to get across is that even if you spend every possible waking minute at all the groups going, there is no certainty that you will meet people who you can make deep connections with. Obviously, there is always the possibility that you will make some good friends or meet a partner, and you are going to increase your chances the more you do it, but its not a guaranteed outcome.

I really don't know how else to put it...

Edited to add: I’ve just thought of an analogy- it’s like when I moan about not being able to afford something, my kids say ‘well why don’t you win the lottery?’

And, until you get to the point where you have got some deep and meaningful connections it is a crappy feeling to know that you are not someone's No1 priority.

In my experience on MN it seems pretty common for multiple posters to read about a quarter of the original post and then fire off a reply that ignores something clearly stated in the OP. I’m not being (very) critical, I’m sure a lot of people are busy, juggling multiple tasks, reading on their phone etc. But it can be quite frustrating if you are the OP.

Good friendships are very hard to find.
I think it's luck you click with someone and over time you realise its a good friendship both making an effort. One sided dosent tend to work.

Having said that anything can change or turn in an instant so you always have to be careful and tactful.

I find even in hobbies and groups it’s isolating.

in my case given that I am 3 years widowed most people in group or hobby settings are married, still have their elderly parents and as I have neither I can’t join in their conversations which dominate the time. Its sucks.

i do go as my craft group are a lovely group of people but on my down days I don’t go which is prob when I need it the most.

Joining groups is just the start of a very long journey to meeting people and increasing the odds of developing meaningful connections. It does take years as you get older so just have to start now and be persistent.

That’s just one way alongside o l d and friendship apps. Work. Friends of friends.

If some of those aren’t working then you’ve got to add in the ones that you’re not trying. Yes it’s crap. It’s one of the hardest things to do I think. Try Meetup. Book groups etc. No you won’t matter to people at first it’s just an additional way to start meeting people where there might be potential.

@MagpiePi "I’ve just thought of an analogy- it’s like when I moan about not being able to afford something, my kids say ‘well why don’t you win the lottery?’"

Just to say, all your points have really resonated with me. But that one stuck out is being particularly apt. Thank you so much for your posts.

So much of it is down to luck.

I am trying to tell myself that I was incredibly lucky to have good friends who were practically family for 20+ years and I guess nobody keeps that luck forever.

I haven't made a friend since uni at 18 and I'm 41 now. I can talk to people and think I come across ok but I've never been able to get casual meeting to actual friendship. Sometimes I think I try too hard and annoy people and sometimes I don't try hard enough.

I've always been one of those people who seems to stay on the peripheries of people's lives. So I'd say I have lots of acquaintances but I have no friends, I'm married but pretty unhappily and have kids. At one point when I was really desperately lonely I joined a committee for a local group and ended up being chair. Of the group of 6 4 of them ended up really good friends and go on holiday with each other. That kind of thing happens to me a lot

@WafflingDreamer If it makes you feel better, my most recent attempt at making friends connected some locals into dog walking together.
I don't have a dog! 🤦🏽‍♀️

I just kind of accidentally introduced these people.

Over time, I think societal norms have changed to the point where I might appear too nice or too needy. I genuinely don't know how to deal with this, so just potter along being lonely, because the meeting people exercise has been so shit.

Friendship is a numbers game. For every new ten people you meet then in my opinion there is just one that could be a friend, and even then they have to have the time available.

also you have to put in more effort to make friends then see which ones stick. It’s unlikely to happen willynilly.

Stand alone or regular fitness classes are a good way to meet people and also see if there's a decent walking group near you. Lots of the ones near us are for older/retired folks but a younger woman recently started a Saturday morning walk and put it on FB and loads of people wanted to join.

I work in this kind of area (social isolation/loneliness) and trust me OP there are so many younger people who feel as you do. If you put it out there people will certainly join you x

Oh and the reason I say walking group is because they're so easy to set up, free to attend, and less intimidating for many than an enclosed group. Also the dynamics mean you naturally fall in and out of step with people so get to chat with everyone.

Yes Im in a walking group. Gets me out. I have seen alot of threads on here on lack of friends. Its hard. Think Ive been unlucky there 2 or 3 they never commit. Flaky. Its like people dont want hassle of it all now. Crap at times