To say no to unwanted visitors?

[SammyTheDog]

Met this family on holidays abroad a few years back. Invited the three of them to come and stay with us (we don't live in the UK) as their dd got on really well with ours. So they came and stayed with us last summer for about 5 days. Problem is, when they came to stay, they didn't bring as much as a box of chocolates or a bottle of wine. Neither did they spend a single penny for the whole time they were here. We took them out to dinner almost every night; paid for boats trips, trips to museums etc. Neither parent put their hand in their pocket for the entire trip. They're not wealthy people, but we felt it wouldn't have killed them to bring a small gift, or at least pay for one of the meals out!
Now, the mum has been in touch to say they want to come again this summer, this time for a week!! Would it be really mean of me to say no? And what exactly will I say? Help!!

Just say:

I'm sorry, we have other plans this summer

Suggest surely this year it's their turn to host....?!

Of course it's not 'mean' to say no. You're not even really friends. You met them for a few days on holiday, and then they came to stay with you and you realised you don't actually like them as much as you thought you did and they're a bunch scroungers. You're not obliged to even stay in touch with them, let alone have them to stay.

I suspect if you reply with 'Sorry, we don't really fancy having people to stay this year' and leave it at that, you'll probably hear little or nothing from them ever again. Which would be a good thing!

Tell the CFers you can't afford to host them, and they will have to split meals out, pay for their costs for admissions to museums, etc. You won't hear from them again.

As a little bit of insight into this type of behaviour, my DM believes totally that 'host pays'. It wouldn't occur to her to offer. DParents didn't get out much so never learned or taught social niceties. Both my DBs are the same.

As a house guest, when we lived abroad, we would pay for her flights out, feed her, pay for trips out etc. Occasionally she would offer to pay for a takeaway. Other than that she wouldn't offer any contribution to the cost of her week's stay.

However, she would complain that coming to stay with us was expensive!

Or, how about "Sorry but we are still completely skint after you came last summer"

Just say money is tight this year so you can’t afford it

Of course yanbu.

However agree with posters saying you should have been a bit more assertive with them paying for their share of activities. or some nights staying in and having simpler meals?

either way, I would be put off having them round ever again.

Could you say, we're not having visitors at the moment. it's just simple and they can't argue with that. You could add if you want, We're budgeting at the moment and not hosting.

don't go around intiving random starngers IMO
I don't even invite family even though I know they wont come unless there is an even at ours or near us. I know too many people that just say "visit us, stay the night etc..." But in reality, they don't mean it and only when it suits them

When we worked, when my siblings, some of them too the p about "we are thinking of coming over.." What wound me up more was they'd say it many times and only visit the once so I always said - come Friday pm as we are free and back to work on Mondays - they got the message - I often took Mondays off to recover

Therefore, I only invite someone if I really want to ad not scared to say no via being polite - EG, sorry, we are off to x that week or xx next week and even week after and so on

I wouldn’t give an explanation like this or phrase it with any kind of apology @SammyTheDog. I’d just say, “The doesn’t work for us this year. Have a lovely time wherever you end up going”. Then don’t budge or respond in an apologetic way if they push. Don’t offer an explanation as to why it doesn’t work for you. Repeat next year if necessary but they will probably be milking someone else’s hospitality by then.

F off should do it....

Agree 💯 % !
I read things like this on here occasionally & wonder wtf?!?

Were you saying "Oh no, don't worry" if they offered to pay, expecting to have a bit of a fight and then you'd let them pay, or did they not offer at all?

I'm trying to imagine going into a museum and them expecting you to pay - that's just weird.

I wonder whether this is the civil servant in the Karma thread who's now spent all his money on his meal and now wants a free holiday to make up for it.

Does it matter if you are honest?
These people can do literally nothing to you. 🤷

I really don't want to. I didn't enjoy it last time and it cost us a fortune to entertain you. I felt taken advantage of tbh.

Honestly, I feel you were at fault not to say anything at the time! Why behave like such a mug? It's fine to say no you can't have them to stay this summer. You need to work on being more assertive!

Generosity and awkwardness is not the green light for fuckers like this to take advantage.

She should never have been put in that position.

Hang on. Likely she was offering. Yes absolutely they should have paid their way but she does bear some responsibility. She should have used her words.

and she seems to be indicating in her op that if they’d brought a small gift or paid for one meal she’d be ok with it. I mean who does that. Pays for everything for a week like that.

I can't believe you gave them to opportunity to fleece you last time!
No wonder they want to come back
Reply bluntly using as few words as possible
They have the hide of a rhino.. and tbh you hardly know them
If you're too polite to tell them to piss off then " No, that won't work for us( this time or ever again)

I'm inclined to agree. Why the hell did you keep paying?!!

Ok, so it depends. If you're not bothered about seeing them again, then obviously it's a no.
If you'd like to see them again IF they changed their ways, then reply with 'sure, but we'd expect you to contribute this time'.
You have nothing to lose at this point by being brutally honest about your expectations.

Users like this don't change.

They've probably burned their way through other friendships.

The OP is just the latest pushover.

They'll just move on to the next.

@AhNowTed

You're probably right. I mean, on what planet would you turn up empty-handed to your hosts' home ... and then pay for nowt all week?!

@JMSA exactly.

We booked a holiday cottage and invited our friends to stay. They stayed 3 days. No skin of our noses as we were going anyway.

They brought not just a bottle, but a case of wine, cheese and crackers and the makings of a breakfast. And we split the restaurant bills equally.

You know, like decent human beings.

Did they ever invite you back?
How the hell did you get through five days without asking them for a contribution?
If you want to be polite, a "we're busy' would do it.
They must have been cackling and rubbing their hands with glee at their fortune last year.