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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to cope when your life isn’t how you imagined it?

58 replies

Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 10:31

I’m slipping into a deep depression.

My life isn’t anything like how I thought it would be.
I live 150 miles away from my parents and family. I can’t move to be nearer to them for two reasons 1) financial 2) I live with my DP and our son, he won’t let me take our son to live elsewhere and he doesn’t want to move.

We have very little income and our house is small, old and ugly.

I always envisioned living near to my family and having regular contact and support with my parents once I’d had a child.
We are currently staying with them for Easter and I’ve realised what I’m missing , my DS loves spending time with his grandparents , uncle and auntie. Having the ‘village’ that I’m so desperately missing where I currently live is what I always imagined.

What doesn’t help is that myself and DP are really not getting along at the moment, but he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t want (won’t allow me)
to move back with my son to be with my parents.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 03/04/2024 10:35

I didn’t expect one of my children to die or for two other children to be neurodivergent. It’s not what I envisaged but I suppose we need to keep going.

I live fairly close to my parents but I’m more of a carer for them than the other way round. I do have friends and a happy marriage but I can’t see one of my children will ever be able to leave home and I have plenty of reservations about the vulnerability of another.

Plumedenom · 03/04/2024 10:35

It sounds like you are very unhappy in your relationship to me, and being back home reminded you what happiness feels like. What is keeping DP where you are? What is his reasoning for staying somewhere where you are clearly miserable? I assume he has a reason. What I mean is, of you already have financial problems, wouldn't it be better to have financial problems near your family support network?

Plumedenom · 03/04/2024 10:38

By the way, I live over a thousand miles away from my family support network so I do understand the feeling when you go back. However I have developed a "village" of friends that fills the gap to a great extent. That took time and effort though, and I was lucky enough to find like minded people.

5128gap · 03/04/2024 10:39

If I were you and felt so strongly, I'd tell my partner that I was moving and that he could come with me or we would have to separate. You would after all only be asking of him what he is expecting of you - to live somewhere he doesnt want to. In an ideal world, partners agree on these things, but where they can't, it really does boil down to a choice between the relationship and the life you want with the support network you need.

Mrsttcno1 · 03/04/2024 10:39

Hi OP, I’m sorry you’re struggling.

I think the previous poster has a really good point in that sometimes things don’t go as you expected and you have to just roll with it. Dwelling on how different your life is from what you thought it would have been is where madness lies, and comparison is the thief of joy.

The reality is that the grass always looks greener but it very rarely actually is, you might find that even if you lived nearer to family you would just have a different list of problems.

Original poster
Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 10:40

@Plumedenom

Yes, I’d move in a heartbeat. But he won’t move because where we live is his hometown and his parents live there. So he has support and family and I just have to continue to be unhappy long term.
He said I’m welcome to move, but he won’t allow me to take our son with me. So obviously I can’t do that, I’m not going to cut my own contact with my DS. So I’m really stuck, some days I feel suicidal because of it - I see no way out and no way of being happy again.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 03/04/2024 10:40

5128gap · 03/04/2024 10:39

If I were you and felt so strongly, I'd tell my partner that I was moving and that he could come with me or we would have to separate. You would after all only be asking of him what he is expecting of you - to live somewhere he doesnt want to. In an ideal world, partners agree on these things, but where they can't, it really does boil down to a choice between the relationship and the life you want with the support network you need.

Except that they have a child together and the move is 150 miles, so it’s not as easy as “we’re going, like it or not”.

Original poster
Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 10:42

@5128gap As I said in the previous post, I’d do this in a heartbeat…but I’d either have to leave my son (not something I’m willing to do) or take him with me anyway and then end up being taken to court by DP

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 03/04/2024 10:43

5128gap · 03/04/2024 10:39

If I were you and felt so strongly, I'd tell my partner that I was moving and that he could come with me or we would have to separate. You would after all only be asking of him what he is expecting of you - to live somewhere he doesnt want to. In an ideal world, partners agree on these things, but where they can't, it really does boil down to a choice between the relationship and the life you want with the support network you need.

This

he won’t let me take our son to live elsewhere and he doesn’t want to move.

He is not your controller. You have free will, you need to have control over your own life. Take back your control. Don't concede it to remain in an unhappy situation.

MissingMoominMamma · 03/04/2024 10:43

Do you both work? Who is your son’s primary caregiver?

What percentage of your relationship has been spent in his hometown?

Original poster
Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 10:45

@MissingMoominMamma He works, I don’t. I left my job due to ill health. I claim PIP and UC (not ideal I know) long term I want to work, but I need support to do that.

Primary care giver is me I suppose.

I met him here, so 100%

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 10:47

@toomuchfaff

But how do I take my son with me without his ‘permission’ as he’s equal as in 50/50 on BC.

I can’t just up and leave with him can I? Also would be unfair on DS who is close with his dad.

OP posts:
trevthecat · 03/04/2024 10:51

Honestly, I would move and let him take you to court. Once moved get your ds settled in nursery or school (you haven't said how old ds is) get him spending time with family etc. Show court he has a better life with you and your family

5128gap · 03/04/2024 10:52

Mrsttcno1 · 03/04/2024 10:40

Except that they have a child together and the move is 150 miles, so it’s not as easy as “we’re going, like it or not”.

Show quote history

I think you'll find people do it all the time. Taking a child 150 miles away would be very rarely forbidden by a court order.

MissingMoominMamma · 03/04/2024 10:56

Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 10:45

@MissingMoominMamma He works, I don’t. I left my job due to ill health. I claim PIP and UC (not ideal I know) long term I want to work, but I need support to do that.

Primary care giver is me I suppose.

I met him here, so 100%

If, given the ultimatum that you were going anyway, could he relocate in his current job?

5128gap · 03/04/2024 10:58

Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 10:47

@toomuchfaff

But how do I take my son with me without his ‘permission’ as he’s equal as in 50/50 on BC.

I can’t just up and leave with him can I? Also would be unfair on DS who is close with his dad.

As i said, people do it all the time. It's then down to the parent who objects to go to court to try to change things. Courts make judgements in the children's interests. If your child is happy, settled with extended family around still in the UK, and you honour contact agreements, it would be highly they would intervene just because the other parent preferred you to live in a particular town.

Nowayhayday · 03/04/2024 10:58

I'm not sure what the legal limit is for how far a parent can move away from the other parent? I'd be surprised if it was as low as 150 miles. Think of the scenarios OP - would you be happier living as you are, or with ds in the same location but without his dad, or back near parents, with ds going to visit his dad regularly?

Bigwelshlamb · 03/04/2024 11:00

Can I ask who you've told about this? You do sound very unhappy and your first port of call is to find support for yourself. You have mentioned that you feel depressed and that you are experiencing suicidal feelings: that needs to be taken very seriously and you need to tell someone who can help you about that today. The other stuff you've mentioned can be sorted in time but that cannot happen until you get some respite and help with your feelings. I don't doubt for a second that this is a desperate situation but please make a call today to a doctor or a friend who you know can help facilitate this to sit and talk about the depths of your sorrow. The problem now is you are projecting into the future about moving and court etc when in fact your priority should be sorting you. Depression and suicidal thoughts are serious, if your friend told you that she felt this way you would urge her to seek help and I am urging you to do just that. Your child needs his Mother because taking care of your child is served best by taking care of yourself. Please show yourself the kindness you would show your friend. I feel this is the advice you would give me if I had written this thread so I return it to you with all good intention that you will pick up the phone. I send you my absolute best wishes, you've already been brave by writing this x

Original poster
Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 11:01

One worry is splitting DS from his dad.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 03/04/2024 11:04

Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 10:47

@toomuchfaff

But how do I take my son with me without his ‘permission’ as he’s equal as in 50/50 on BC.

I can’t just up and leave with him can I? Also would be unfair on DS who is close with his dad.

Are you taking him out of country or within the boundary? You don't need parental permission to move to the next county, only if you cross a border.

Plumedenom · 03/04/2024 11:11

If you are depressed, it is very hard to actively make this kind of big decision, but the source of your depression seems to be lack of support. I think you need to talk to husband again and explain you need to move home and you are very unhappy, that life can't continue like this for you, whether he likes it or not. If he loves you and sees this is impacting on your mental health, he'll move.

pootlin · 03/04/2024 11:14

Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 10:47

@toomuchfaff

But how do I take my son with me without his ‘permission’ as he’s equal as in 50/50 on BC.

I can’t just up and leave with him can I? Also would be unfair on DS who is close with his dad.

Leave him and move back to your parents. Start gathering up important documents and leave when he's at work.

And then you can negotiate about moving halfway between your parents and his.

iLovee · 03/04/2024 11:19

You don't need his permission to move. It sounds like he is very controlling. Honestly move back home, details can be worked out later.

Original poster
Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 11:42

@iLovee

Do I not need his permission to take our child with me though?

OP posts:
AceofPentacles · 03/04/2024 11:44

Yes he could get a prohibitive steps order.

However you could split up, stay in the same area but if you share care, you could spend more time with your family?