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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to cope when your life isn’t how you imagined it?

58 replies

Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 10:31

I’m slipping into a deep depression.

My life isn’t anything like how I thought it would be.
I live 150 miles away from my parents and family. I can’t move to be nearer to them for two reasons 1) financial 2) I live with my DP and our son, he won’t let me take our son to live elsewhere and he doesn’t want to move.

We have very little income and our house is small, old and ugly.

I always envisioned living near to my family and having regular contact and support with my parents once I’d had a child.
We are currently staying with them for Easter and I’ve realised what I’m missing , my DS loves spending time with his grandparents , uncle and auntie. Having the ‘village’ that I’m so desperately missing where I currently live is what I always imagined.

What doesn’t help is that myself and DP are really not getting along at the moment, but he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t want (won’t allow me)
to move back with my son to be with my parents.

OP posts:
Thefutureisourownpath · 03/04/2024 11:45

Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 10:45

@MissingMoominMamma He works, I don’t. I left my job due to ill health. I claim PIP and UC (not ideal I know) long term I want to work, but I need support to do that.

Primary care giver is me I suppose.

I met him here, so 100%

Then a court will let you move back to your support network. A court let me - and I work full time. I applied. Don’t listen to him. You can move. Take your son and move - see a solicitor.

Thefutureisourownpath · 03/04/2024 11:46

trevthecat · 03/04/2024 10:51

Honestly, I would move and let him take you to court. Once moved get your ds settled in nursery or school (you haven't said how old ds is) get him spending time with family etc. Show court he has a better life with you and your family

This.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 03/04/2024 11:48

My husband loves our kids just as much as I do. I cannot imagine trying to move them so far away from him. It is cruel.

You need to get talking. Don't just accept that he won't let you do things. You are an adult. You need to discuss compromises and if that doesn't work, mediation.

The advice given on here to just take them away is mind boggling.how would you feel if your husband took them away from you?

Dreemhouse · 03/04/2024 11:51

We are always being told
don't stay together for the sake of the children. Do you think he would want 50:50 custody?

HÆLTHEPAIN · 03/04/2024 11:53

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 03/04/2024 11:48

My husband loves our kids just as much as I do. I cannot imagine trying to move them so far away from him. It is cruel.

You need to get talking. Don't just accept that he won't let you do things. You are an adult. You need to discuss compromises and if that doesn't work, mediation.

The advice given on here to just take them away is mind boggling.how would you feel if your husband took them away from you?

Obviously I’m only going on what OP has posted but it sounds like she is the only one doing any compromising.

Mrsttcno1 · 03/04/2024 11:57

5128gap · 03/04/2024 10:52

I think you'll find people do it all the time. Taking a child 150 miles away would be very rarely forbidden by a court order.

Show quote history

There would be a few options available to him to prevent this, he could apply for a contact order, a prohibitive steps order, and actually if she moves without informing him then he could go to court to force return.

What the court is interested in is what is in the best interests of the child. Considering that this child has been born there, brought up there, has family there and presumably school/friends, it is highly likely that the court would side with him and that is in the best interests of the child to remain where he is. No court is going to decide it’s best for the child to move 150 miles away from his father and everything he knows just because his mum wants to. Advising OP to just go & everything will be fine is really, really bad advice.

Also worth noting that if OP did move that distance then it will be up to her to facilitate contact, so that’s going to be lots of money, lots of travelling. Again, a court is not going to find that making a child travel that amount is in their best interests.

XelaM · 03/04/2024 11:57

Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 10:40

@Plumedenom

Yes, I’d move in a heartbeat. But he won’t move because where we live is his hometown and his parents live there. So he has support and family and I just have to continue to be unhappy long term.
He said I’m welcome to move, but he won’t allow me to take our son with me. So obviously I can’t do that, I’m not going to cut my own contact with my DS. So I’m really stuck, some days I feel suicidal because of it - I see no way out and no way of being happy again.

What do you mean he won't allow you to take your son? You just take him and he can go to court to get contact.

LutonBeds · 03/04/2024 12:02

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 03/04/2024 11:48

My husband loves our kids just as much as I do. I cannot imagine trying to move them so far away from him. It is cruel.

You need to get talking. Don't just accept that he won't let you do things. You are an adult. You need to discuss compromises and if that doesn't work, mediation.

The advice given on here to just take them away is mind boggling.how would you feel if your husband took them away from you?

Exactly! I can just imagine the responses if OP was a man wanting to move….

Original poster
Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 12:11

@Mrsttcno1

Thats what I thought - I was under the impression there are steps he can take to stop me or to have him returned.

OP posts:
iLovee · 03/04/2024 12:13

Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 11:42

@iLovee

Do I not need his permission to take our child with me though?

No, if you two can't work out a custody arrangement between yourselves he may apply for a court order but as far as I'm aware it's about a 2 year wait x

Greenbike · 03/04/2024 12:15

XelaM · 03/04/2024 11:57

What do you mean he won't allow you to take your son? You just take him and he can go to court to get contact.

Show quote history

But he might also go to court to get a court order that the child is to live with his father, in the town where he’s lived all his life, surrounded by the friends and family he’s known all his life. And then it will be OP applying for contact.

A lot of the responses on here are assuming that the child belongs primarily to the mother, and the mother gets to take the child with her wherever she goes, with fathers only getting some right to contact. This is obviously not how the law sees it. OP appears to understand that pretty well.

My advice would be to have a very frank conversation. Make very clear to your partner that the current arrangements aren’t working and cannot continue. It’s not fair that he gets to live near his family and you don’t, especially when you are doing most of the childcare. It’s damaging your mental health. There needs to be a compromise. Maybe that compromise is that you move nearer to your parents for rest of primary age, and agree to live near his for secondary. Maybe it’s that you move to a town somewhere inbetween. Maybe you can also suggest to your parents that they move a bit closer to you? But make very clear that the two of you need to work out a solution together, and the status quo is not an option.

TooraLoora · 03/04/2024 12:16

@Blackandorange assuming you are not married so no divorce is needed. Your DP cannot stop you from moving out and taking your son with you BUT you need to agree how contact will work beforehand preferably. If you cannot agree a contact schedule between the 2 of you then you may need to go to mediation and possibly involve solicitors etc.

theclimb · 03/04/2024 12:18

Your DP cannot stop you from moving out and taking your son with you

Actually he can. My solicitor advised me of that just recently. He can obtain a court order and is likely to get it

TabbyMcTat2 · 03/04/2024 12:21

I get it.
38, single, chronic illnesses, no friends, low paid job and extremely toxic family.
My cat is the one thing that keeps me going.

alwaysatthebusstop · 03/04/2024 12:22

I watched a video on someone who said that you must make the choice right, rather than the right choice. Once you've decided something you can't compare it to an alternative. You're assuming that your alternative - living close to your family - would be better but, since you haven't lived that choice, you don't know. You could, for example, have had a huge falling out with your family and be writing on here that you live close but don't speak etc etc.
I also don't have the family ' village' so I do know where you're coming from but can you do anything to help your current situation?

Mischance · 03/04/2024 12:22

There's a lot there about what he will and won't allow - it does not sound like a partnership with joint decisions being respectfully discussed.

Mrsttcno1 · 03/04/2024 12:23

Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 12:11

@Mrsttcno1

Thats what I thought - I was under the impression there are steps he can take to stop me or to have him returned.

There are OP and unfortunately for you, because what you want to do is take your child away from the only home and community he has ever known, his father, his family, his school etc, he is very very likely to succeed at stopping you or forcing a return.

I appreciate it’s a difficult situation for you, but once it gets infront of a judge their ONLY concern is about the best interests of the child. Your child’s father is going to have a very clean, simple & strong argument for your child staying where he is because that is the only home he knows & everybody he knows is there. The fact that you want to live somewhere else will not stack up against that.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/04/2024 12:24

My friend's ex took her ds to Scotland from the midlands. My friend took her dc to Dubai from the UK. Both authorised by court. If you don't ask you don't get. My H travelled six hour round trip Friday and Sunday bi weekly to see his ds for years before he could get the train. Life is too short to be miserable.

toomuchfaff · 03/04/2024 12:26

Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 11:42

@iLovee

Do I not need his permission to take our child with me though?

You don't need his permission to move. You don't need his permission to move...

You can live anywhere within the boundary of England (if that's where you are). Not that you would but...

You need to organise and agree how you will both facilitate custody. BUT that doesn't mean he demands you live on the same street.

For example, You could live in Carlisle and he live in London; the facilitating of custody would include HOW you facilitate the child will get from one house to the other to achieve the agreed shared custody.

He cannot demand you live/stay anywhere.

Usually it would be each parent is responsible for the dropping off to the other house or picking up child from other house.

Inspireme2 · 03/04/2024 12:28

Move.
Make your life more pleasant surrounded by your village.
You can work out an arrangement for your son to see Dad if he is not willing to move for you.
I do not think he can tell you what or how to live.
Is it a control tactic of your partners or a fear of losing his son?
Is it possible for you to go away by yourself to your family and then decide what and how to precede.

90sbab8 · 03/04/2024 12:28

Exactly what @trevthecat Said- he can't stop you. You're not married, he is your partner. You are your son's primary carer as you say. I highly doubt he'd take you to court- most men threaten this, but would never bother to go through with it. Once your son is enrolled and settled in a school in the place you want to live (and make sure you make this a priority and do this as quickly as you can), the courts would rule in your favour anyway (they 95% of the time rule in mums favour). And, ladies, this is why you don't put the fathers name on the BC of you're not married- it gives them parental rights without the security of marriage.

Mrsttcno1 · 03/04/2024 12:41

90sbab8 · 03/04/2024 12:28

Exactly what @trevthecat Said- he can't stop you. You're not married, he is your partner. You are your son's primary carer as you say. I highly doubt he'd take you to court- most men threaten this, but would never bother to go through with it. Once your son is enrolled and settled in a school in the place you want to live (and make sure you make this a priority and do this as quickly as you can), the courts would rule in your favour anyway (they 95% of the time rule in mums favour). And, ladies, this is why you don't put the fathers name on the BC of you're not married- it gives them parental rights without the security of marriage.

Possibly one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever read. Oh yes how shockingly terrible that fathers who are actively involved in their children’s lives are named on the birth certificate & have parental rights, what a crime!

Springcat · 03/04/2024 12:43

Leave him and go to your family
He sounds very controling

something2say · 03/04/2024 12:54

When one parent wants to move away, they have to demonstrate how THEY will facilitate child contact and pay for the resulting travel that the other partner wouldn't have to deal with, had the child stayed nearby. I don't agree with stealing the child and getting your way that way. You made forever choices having that child with that man in that place.

What I would do if I were you is - concentrate on getting better, stay there for now, move as much as possible within the confined limits that you have (build your happiness where possible, get well, start working, manage your mental health etc and live as fully as you can) because one day, your child will be old enough to choose and you can move then. This is not forever. You are constrained for now, yes - make the best of it and resolve to move later.

And have plenty of trips down there - one portion of extra paid work per month saved up for the cost of doing it.

Choices and consequences is a hard lesson to swallow. I reckon you have to suck it up for now and then move later.

Ivapalava · 03/04/2024 12:57

I could have written your post myself except our families are further away and we have no family either side nearby. Life is extremely different to what I wanted and I struggle every day. I just try and get on with things as best I can