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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you stay at a date for 4 hours if you weren't interested?

57 replies

Toomuch33 · 02/04/2024 20:05

He invited me out for drinks, the 4 hours flew by. He seemed a little nervous at times and at one point we looked at each other for a long while.
We had fantastic conversation, we laughed, we talked about deeper subjects, covered so many things.
The next day, nothing.
Ah well.. I was just thinking why stay 4 hours if you weren't feeling it? Like I'd stay 1 to be polite but not 4.
He's previously told a mutual friend he thinks I'm really attractive, and he's told me he likes really likes talking to me and we have a lot in common.
No major incompatibilities that I can see.

OP posts:
judgementfail · 02/04/2024 20:07

I've done that. I stayed because we got on really well and had loads in common but I didn't find him attractive.

totallybonkerswarning · 02/04/2024 20:07

The next day, nothing.

If it's just the next day maybe wait a little?

totallybonkerswarning · 02/04/2024 20:07

The next day, nothing.

If it's just the next day maybe wait a little?

ThisNiftyMintCat · 02/04/2024 20:08

Haha no I wouldn't say 4 hours if not interested 😅. Maybe he's read one of those mens pick up books that says you have to wait ages before contacting the women etc. etc.

Original poster
Toomuch33 · 02/04/2024 20:08

judgementfail · 02/04/2024 20:07

I've done that. I stayed because we got on really well and had loads in common but I didn't find him attractive.

I can understand that. However he's said to a friend he does find me really attractive, that was around 2 months ago and my appearance hasn't changed since then. I don't have bad hygiene or anything.. it's odd but oh well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuch33 · 02/04/2024 20:09

totallybonkerswarning · 02/04/2024 20:07

The next day, nothing.

If it's just the next day maybe wait a little?

I got the polite, curt reply without suggestions of a future date :(

OP posts:
Didimum · 02/04/2024 20:09

Yes, I’ve had hours long, fun dates and then been ghosted after. I don’t think it’s terribly unusual unfortunately.

Original poster
Toomuch33 · 02/04/2024 20:10

Didimum · 02/04/2024 20:09

Yes, I’ve had hours long, fun dates and then been ghosted after. I don’t think it’s terribly unusual unfortunately.

It's strange isn't it, makes you wonder what goes through their mind. It's like they decided they wanted a curry and then thought, nah I'll leave it.
It's part and parcel of dating I guess :/

OP posts:
Queijo · 02/04/2024 20:11

Yes you just have to let these ones go. Stressing about it just causes you drama and you get nothing in return.

Dating is brutal, you definitely a much thicker skin, which I know is easier said than done.

Just ignore. He’ll probably message you a few times if you don’t reply and will never make a date again. Take the high road and get over him!

Original poster
Toomuch33 · 02/04/2024 20:11

The only thing I can think of is that I said I'd maybe like kids in a few years' time but not just yet, whereas he didn't seem keen on the idea of having any. If it's that, it's a shame but fair enough.

OP posts:
haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 02/04/2024 20:11

Maybe you should try speed dating

ChampagneLassie · 02/04/2024 20:12

So the only reason you think he’s not interested is you’ve not heard from him yet? And it’s only just 24 hrs later? I think a few days later is acceptable. On other hand i had numerous dates that lasted hours and went really well and then they weren’t interested so I wouldn’t say that is werid either. Not everyone makes a snap judgement. He may have decided as he got to know you better over course of evening something that didn’t seem compatible. But whatever no point agonising

Original poster
Toomuch33 · 02/04/2024 20:12

Queijo · 02/04/2024 20:11

Yes you just have to let these ones go. Stressing about it just causes you drama and you get nothing in return.

Dating is brutal, you definitely a much thicker skin, which I know is easier said than done.

Just ignore. He’ll probably message you a few times if you don’t reply and will never make a date again. Take the high road and get over him!

Yeah, I'll have to! It'll probably happen again no doubt. You're right.. I'll try not to take it personally.

OP posts:
Queijo · 02/04/2024 20:13

Toomuch33 · 02/04/2024 20:11

The only thing I can think of is that I said I'd maybe like kids in a few years' time but not just yet, whereas he didn't seem keen on the idea of having any. If it's that, it's a shame but fair enough.

Honestly it’s nothing you said or did, it’s just him. Overthinking this isn’t going to solve why he’s like this!

When someone is really into you it’s incredibly obvious. He isn’t, if you keep hoping for his attention it’s just going to hurt. You are much better than that.

Original poster
Toomuch33 · 02/04/2024 20:13

ChampagneLassie · 02/04/2024 20:12

So the only reason you think he’s not interested is you’ve not heard from him yet? And it’s only just 24 hrs later? I think a few days later is acceptable. On other hand i had numerous dates that lasted hours and went really well and then they weren’t interested so I wouldn’t say that is werid either. Not everyone makes a snap judgement. He may have decided as he got to know you better over course of evening something that didn’t seem compatible. But whatever no point agonising

Sadly when we spoke the next day he took much longer to reply and shut down a future date suggestion, so I just knew. Maybe there was one point he didn't think we were compatible on, I can't think what but I'd love to know.

OP posts:
Worstyearyet · 02/04/2024 20:13

Do you mean you have heard back from him OP (& he doesn’t seem interested) or you haven’t heard yet?

Original poster
Toomuch33 · 02/04/2024 20:14

Worstyearyet · 02/04/2024 20:13

Do you mean you have heard back from him OP (& he doesn’t seem interested) or you haven’t heard yet?

Yep, changed like night and day sadly :( I will just chalk it up to experience.

OP posts:
Worstyearyet · 02/04/2024 20:14

Ignore that, just seen your response!
Internet dating is brutal OP, onwards & upwards!

Worstyearyet · 02/04/2024 20:16

I had similar too & I’m not saying this is the case here but I found out later that he had only just come out of a serious relationship. As pp said I’m sure it’s nothing to do with you.

Original poster
Toomuch33 · 02/04/2024 20:18

Thank you :) it's not even internet dating, I knew him prior to this as he's friends with someone I work with and I've seen him on a couple of evenings out as he's been invited, so I dunno if that makes it better or worse 🤣 this was our second meetup/date.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuch33 · 02/04/2024 20:18

Sorry I meant to quote you there.

OP posts:
ChampagneLassie · 02/04/2024 20:19

Honestly I had a date that went really, really well. Like we were talking about where we’d like to live and I remember our eyes meeting and him laughing and saying hed not expected this. We bumped into people he knew and he stood closer put his arm around me and introduced me implying I was his GF, on the way to dinner which he’d suggested. Conversation went well, the only thing I could pick out that went wrong was he didn’t like his food and actually complained about it (he picked the restaurant and said he eat there regularly) and it seemed to put him in a bit of a mood. I thought that was slightly poor form but liked him in lots of other ways so overlooked. I was amazed to get a brush off text the next day. But you just never know what else is going on with them / who else is in play either so might be nothing to do with you

LividAA · 02/04/2024 20:20

If a man likes you, you’ll know.

This guy isn’t your guy. Doesn’t matter why. I once ditched a guy because of the way he held his knife on a second date. I’d never tell him that.

Original poster
Toomuch33 · 02/04/2024 20:21

ChampagneLassie · 02/04/2024 20:19

Honestly I had a date that went really, really well. Like we were talking about where we’d like to live and I remember our eyes meeting and him laughing and saying hed not expected this. We bumped into people he knew and he stood closer put his arm around me and introduced me implying I was his GF, on the way to dinner which he’d suggested. Conversation went well, the only thing I could pick out that went wrong was he didn’t like his food and actually complained about it (he picked the restaurant and said he eat there regularly) and it seemed to put him in a bit of a mood. I thought that was slightly poor form but liked him in lots of other ways so overlooked. I was amazed to get a brush off text the next day. But you just never know what else is going on with them / who else is in play either so might be nothing to do with you

Sorry to hear that :(
Yeah, it's strange isn't it. If there's no conversation/you don't laugh at all/zero in common/totally opposing views on everything/zero physical attraction and so on then you can think 'Yeah, this won't go anywhere ' but it's just when you know it went well that it blindsides you.

OP posts:
AceofPentacles · 02/04/2024 20:22

Was he hoping to have sex but gave up after two dates perhaps?