Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish or stupid?

60 replies

reynold · 01/04/2024 22:48

Am I being pathetic? So I am 31 weeks pregnant ( very high risk pregnancy) currently being in and out of hospital and soon to be getting a c-section date in place , my partners friend has asked if he's still going to his wedding which is day before my daughter birthday April 20th. I told my partner I feel very uncomfortable with him going as for 1 I struggle to walk from having SPD and Sciatica. My dog to put me in bed rest due to my breathlessness and dizziness, this meaning while he's at the wedding and after do I'll be left to sort all my daughters bday presents and decorations etc most likely taking her out the next day as he will be probably hung over due to him not being a drinker at all. I asked why he can't just go to the wedding and come home as if anything was to happen he won't know or would be drunk if needed to come to the hospital etc. he said I'm being weird about it and it just seems like I don't want him to go? I'm just petrified this is my third baby and I've had nothing but problems the whole time, am I being pathetic or unreasonable? I don't want him to know say he's not going because of me or make it into a controlling way which I'm not trying to come across as?

OP posts:
AssassinsEyebrow · 01/04/2024 22:50

Yanbu
He should be looking after & supporting you, it's unfortunate but takes priority

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 22:51

Side note- on the date of the wedding I'll be nearly 35 weeks pregnant )

OP posts:
Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 22:52

@AssassinsEyebrow I thought so but didn't want to come across as controlling as he is a very very helpful partner with money/helping with kids etc can't fault him, this just got me a little upset how he's being selfish when he normally isn't

OP posts:
tomorrowisanotherdate · 01/04/2024 22:53

you dont want your partner to miss out on a good friends wedding, surely? can you ask another friend or relative to be with you during that time?

BronzeAge · 01/04/2024 22:53

Well, you don’t want him to go, arguably for perfectly valid reasons, so I don’t see why you’re so reluctant to say so?

Sprinkles211 · 01/04/2024 22:54

Can he not go to the wedding and just not drink alcohol?

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 22:57

@tomorrowisanotherdate , ofc I do if I had relatives I would just ask for help in the
Meantime I live hours away from my dad that's only person I have. It's not that I don't want him to have a good time I've just got out of hospital after a week from suspected pulmonary embolism.

OP posts:
Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 22:58

@Sprinkles211 I asked that, or atleast go to the wedding and come home after as our daughters bday is the next day he was supposed to take them out as I cannot walk in on crutches

OP posts:
Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 22:59

@BronzeAge I don't mind the wedding but the after do is all night , we have our daughter birthday next day and I can't do everything on my own the night before as I cannot walk I'm on crutches due to sever SPD

OP posts:
EIIaM · 01/04/2024 23:01

Does he go out for anything else? I think its hard to say he can't do anything and needs to be home 24/7. Surely the decorations could go up early in the morning before she's up, he should want to feel fresh for his child's birthday anyway.

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:03

@EIIaM no this is why I don't
Physically want to say no don't go, as far as he knows I've said go , I've just kept my opinion in as I don't want him to feel like he's not allowed or anything as he's a brilliant person and helps a lot, I'm just worried as the next day he was taking the kids out due to me not being able to walk from spd and baby in my cervix , he did this before on my daughters 5th birthday 2 years ago he ruined the day the next day due to feeling sick and headache etc

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 01/04/2024 23:04

So you have 2 children and pregnant with 3d ( high risk pregnancy). You ask if it’s unreasonable to want your partner not to go to the wedding of his friend on Saturday when on Sunday it will be your DD’s birthday ( and it’s his DD as well?). You will be 35 weeks on the day of the pregnancy and you don’t have any family around who can look after children if you need to go to the hospital.
Have I summarized correctly?

pizzaHeart · 01/04/2024 23:06

And in addition to all of these you can’t walk?

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:07

@pizzaHeart I have 3 children and pregnant with 4th ( eldest is step child but brought up from a baby now 12) , I just got out of hospital Friday , weddings on 20th our DD birthday is the 21st, yes you got it correct

OP posts:
Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:08

@pizzaHeart yes I'm on bed rest i only have my dad as a family member for myself , I have spd currently on crutches with a belly band atm. he works so bed rest hasn't happened as the kids are off school too

OP posts:
KidsandKindness · 01/04/2024 23:09

Personally I think he's being very selfish OP. It's only a friend's wedding, not a family member, and bearing in mind what a hard time you've had through out this pregnancy, then he should WANT to be with you, AND his DD. If he's not normally much of a drinker, surely under these circumstances he can restrain himself and drink low or no alcohol drinks, rather than end up with a hangover and unable to help the next day. So in your shoes I would talk to him and make it VERY clear that you are happy for him to go to the wedding, but as a compromise you want him to come home rather than going on to the reception. If he doesn't agree to this, then he's a complete shit, and I'd be asking myself why I was having a third child with him. So in answer to your question, you're not being pathetic, you're pregnant, and need your DH's support! Good luck with the delivery, and new baby, I hope all goes well for you.

Azandme · 01/04/2024 23:10

It sounds like he's been very supportive throughout, and as this is a good friend's wedding, in your shoes I'd be doing everything I could for him to be able to go.

Is there anyone else who could support you for that day?

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:10

@pizzaHeart his mum will hopefully be the one that will take care of the kids if I go in labour but she doesn't make it very known as she
Is a a&e nurse , when I spoke about childcare she said " if I can get out of work it will be fine"

OP posts:
BronzeAge · 01/04/2024 23:10

reynold · 01/04/2024 23:03

@EIIaM no this is why I don't
Physically want to say no don't go, as far as he knows I've said go , I've just kept my opinion in as I don't want him to feel like he's not allowed or anything as he's a brilliant person and helps a lot, I'm just worried as the next day he was taking the kids out due to me not being able to walk from spd and baby in my cervix , he did this before on my daughters 5th birthday 2 years ago he ruined the day the next day due to feeling sick and headache etc

But this is the mysterious thing — why in the circumstances have you kept telling him to go?

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:11

@Azandme that's the thing this isn't his very good friend It's a neighbor he's know less
Than a year, I told him to go he doesn't know I feel like this or anything hence why I came to
See if I'm being unreasonable

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 01/04/2024 23:12

Is it close enough that he could go and not drink so as to be able to rush home in an emergency? And also come home early to be able to help with your daughter's birthday the next day. If he's not willing to not drink in this situation he's really not mature enough to be a parent.

EIIaM · 01/04/2024 23:13

It changes things that it's a neighbours wedding, he shouldn't be going.

novocaine4thesoul · 01/04/2024 23:13

There are plenty that will immediately say that he is being unreasonable, and maybe with the complications, he is, BUT if his only ask is to go and he is otherwise supportive, I'd hope, if you talk, you can work around this. Given what is going on, a lower key birthday for your daughter (presents, decorations) that is sorted by him or you both jointly in advance, and then the CAST IRON guarantee that he goes but drives and can drive back, and be with you "shortly" if there is even an ounce of requirement is where I would be at. You would have to have faith though that he would stick to his word. It is about trust, priorities, and compromise. Hope it goes ok xx

Azandme · 01/04/2024 23:13

reynold · 01/04/2024 23:11

@Azandme that's the thing this isn't his very good friend It's a neighbor he's know less
Than a year, I told him to go he doesn't know I feel like this or anything hence why I came to
See if I'm being unreasonable

Thank you for clarifying. As it's not a good friend, then no, you're not being in the slightest bit unreasonable.

When I answered previously I was working on the premise this was a good friend.

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:14

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine he said it's about 2 hours away, I think I'm being selfish I'm just scared I've been in hospital
Due to shortness of breath and dizziness I've struggled alot with kids been off school and him being at work so far I haven't been able to have bed rest he's very supportive he doesn't drink he does a lot for us, I'm just nervous as I've had so many problems

OP posts: