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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being selfish or stupid?

60 replies

reynold · 01/04/2024 22:48

Am I being pathetic? So I am 31 weeks pregnant ( very high risk pregnancy) currently being in and out of hospital and soon to be getting a c-section date in place , my partners friend has asked if he's still going to his wedding which is day before my daughter birthday April 20th. I told my partner I feel very uncomfortable with him going as for 1 I struggle to walk from having SPD and Sciatica. My dog to put me in bed rest due to my breathlessness and dizziness, this meaning while he's at the wedding and after do I'll be left to sort all my daughters bday presents and decorations etc most likely taking her out the next day as he will be probably hung over due to him not being a drinker at all. I asked why he can't just go to the wedding and come home as if anything was to happen he won't know or would be drunk if needed to come to the hospital etc. he said I'm being weird about it and it just seems like I don't want him to go? I'm just petrified this is my third baby and I've had nothing but problems the whole time, am I being pathetic or unreasonable? I don't want him to know say he's not going because of me or make it into a controlling way which I'm not trying to come across as?

OP posts:
Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:15

@novocaine4thesoul I haven't addressed any of my concerns to him as I don't want him to think he can't go or feel bad for me I just came on here x

OP posts:
snackatack · 01/04/2024 23:16

How old is the child with the birthday - could you move it - or would they know?

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:16

@Azandme , sorry there's so many questions , yes this persons a neighbor personally I don't really speak to them but my partner does every know and again, not a lot of people are going to the wedding so I'm guessing that's why my partner really wants to go maybe feels bad?

OP posts:
Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:17

@snackatack my daughters 7 she had school the next day so she asked could we do it on Saturday which is the wedding day, i said no as Dad is busy but we can do it on her actually bday

OP posts:
EIIaM · 01/04/2024 23:19

Feeling bad on a neighbour isn't reason to leave your wife in these circumstances. Of it was friends or family I'd understand, but not for a neighbour.

PaperDoIIs · 01/04/2024 23:20

reynold · 01/04/2024 23:14

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine he said it's about 2 hours away, I think I'm being selfish I'm just scared I've been in hospital
Due to shortness of breath and dizziness I've struggled alot with kids been off school and him being at work so far I haven't been able to have bed rest he's very supportive he doesn't drink he does a lot for us, I'm just nervous as I've had so many problems

Just talk to him. What are you so afraid of?

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:23

@PaperDoIIs I just don't want him thinking he can't go or like I'm being selfish etc I'd feel awful if he didn't go but really wanted too because of me

OP posts:
Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:24

@EIIaM I understand, I've not told him any of my concerns yet

OP posts:
PaperDoIIs · 01/04/2024 23:33

reynold · 01/04/2024 23:23

@PaperDoIIs I just don't want him thinking he can't go or like I'm being selfish etc I'd feel awful if he didn't go but really wanted too because of me

But he can't go, because you need him and that's ok.

You deserve care, help and support when you are struggling. You deserve to be put first.

It's not selfish to ask for help when you need it.

Love and relationships don't mean you have to be a martyr and always put yourself last.

Who taught you these things?

He won't know unless you tell him. So you have to tell him. Otherwise you're setting him up to fail because he will go and you'll resent him for going and anything that goes wrong on your daughter's birthday. How is that any better?

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:39

@PaperDoIIs so my daughters bday is the Sunday we was going to do something the Saturday as Sunday my dad travels to see her and stays mainly the whole day plus she has school the next day so we thought the day before would be great , as some times her bday is. I'm the school holidays but not this year, I totally forgot about the wedding till neighbor came roudn today asking

OP posts:
BronzeAge · 01/04/2024 23:41

reynold · 01/04/2024 23:23

@PaperDoIIs I just don't want him thinking he can't go or like I'm being selfish etc I'd feel awful if he didn't go but really wanted too because of me

But so what? He’s needed at home. We’ve all skipped things we’d have liked to have done when circumstances just didn’t allow. Who has taught you that it’s ok for you to suffer unnecessarily so that your husband can go to the wedding of someone he barely knows?

PaperDoIIs · 01/04/2024 23:43

reynold · 01/04/2024 23:39

@PaperDoIIs so my daughters bday is the Sunday we was going to do something the Saturday as Sunday my dad travels to see her and stays mainly the whole day plus she has school the next day so we thought the day before would be great , as some times her bday is. I'm the school holidays but not this year, I totally forgot about the wedding till neighbor came roudn today asking

The actual setup is irrelevant really. You're in significant pain and can't move, can't sort things out or properly look after the kids and you NEED him. That's the main thing.

Amybelle88 · 01/04/2024 23:47

I wouldn't have a problem with him going but I wouldn't be happy with him drinking incase of an emergency.

If he's sober he can help with decorations etc when he gets home.

Fair for everyone I think.

BronzeAge · 01/04/2024 23:48

PaperDoIIs · 01/04/2024 23:43

The actual setup is irrelevant really. You're in significant pain and can't move, can't sort things out or properly look after the kids and you NEED him. That's the main thing.

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Absolutely this.

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:49

@Amybelle88 I don't mind him going but it's not really the decoration etc I'm bothered about it was the taking the kids out the next day as promised if he's drinking as he doesn't drink he's gets drunk off of 1 drink and feels shocking the next days etc I haven't mentioned any concerns to him

OP posts:
Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:50

@PaperDoIIs yes I'm not really too bothered about he set up its more the anxiety of everything else

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 01/04/2024 23:56

I think reasonable compromise is that he doesn't drink and drives

Original poster
reynold · 02/04/2024 00:00

@Hankunamatata he doesn't drive the neigbours was going to take him I think he would get a lift back of some sort

OP posts:
Delphina17 · 02/04/2024 00:01

Why can't he go for the day (come back same day) and not drink any alcohol?

Original poster
reynold · 02/04/2024 00:07

Delphina17 · 02/04/2024 00:01

Why can't he go for the day (come back same day) and not drink any alcohol?

I did ask this but he said " I just wanted to see everyone and chill out with them after" made me feel bad so I didn't continue the conversation

OP posts:
Delphina17 · 02/04/2024 00:10

reynold · 02/04/2024 00:07

I did ask this but he said " I just wanted to see everyone and chill out with them after" made me feel bad so I didn't continue the conversation

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That's a really fair compromise. You're heavily pregnant, in pain and can't walk, and you have children together. It's either that or he doesn't go!

Mmhmmn · 02/04/2024 00:16

Tell him you’re worried, that the situation feels very precarious and relies on everything going smoothly at a late stage in pregnancy. No waters breaking, no contractions starting, etc etc. And don’t second and third pregnancies usually go early?
If he’s going you do need a plan B right there to have someone e.g. a friend / your dad come and be with you if he’s going to the wedding.
Men often don’t think sensibly about this stuff, it’s maddening.

This is an important point though OP - you’re having a child with this man. You need to be able to communicate with him, to say what your needs are.

Set out the situation to him in a calm conversation and find out what he proposes to do to make sure he is available and able if you go into labour. Ask him what he will do - might get him to put his brain into gear. And if he still can’t/won’t, make sure you have a backup person that you CAN rely on.

pizzaHeart · 02/04/2024 00:39

To be honest you are not selfish but you are very unreasonable in my books ( and your partner as well) as I would expect you to say plainly that with all what’s going at home it’s a very bad idea to leave you and to go to a wedding “to chill out”. Family commitments should be a priority.

Noseybookworm · 02/04/2024 00:44

No he shouldn't be going to the wedding of someone he barely knows when he's needed at home. Why are you so worried about telling him you don't want him to go? It's obvious you need help if you're hobbling around on crutches heavily pregnant and looking after your other children! Just tell him he needs to stay home ffs!

Delphiniumandlupins · 02/04/2024 01:01

Did you say your dad will be coming to visit you for the day of your daughter's birthday? Could he come the day before and stay overnight so you have company? I understand you are unwell and worried and it must be very difficult to get bedrest when the children are off school and your DH is at work. It should be easier when they are back at school.