Maternity pay finances

[ZebraLimited]

So please hear me out :) We have an 8 month old and have been having issues trying to work out how much to put into our joint account since I have been on maternity leave.
I have taken 10 months mat leave, received 3 months full pay, 1 month half pay, and the rest is statutory maternity pay. In the past as we got paid (we earned very similar amounts) we would each put £1,100 into the joint account. This has never been an issue until now! When I was pregnant we discussed how we were going to cover our bills this year as I would be losing our on a lot of money - we decided whatever we get paid we each 'save' the same amount and put the rest into the joint account. This was my idea and my husband only grudgingly accepted! So for example last month I received £840 and he received £1,900. Total: £2,740. We needed to collectively pay out £2,200 which leaves £540, meaning we each keep £270. So I did 840-270 and paid out 570 whereas my husband did 1900-270 and paid out 1630. The problem is every month he complains about this being unfair. He has suggested we pay a percentage. (If we each paid about 80% which is what's needed to make 2200, it would leave me with £160 and him with £380. Bearing in mind my husband has no personal outgoings so saves it all whereas I have car payments tax and insurance which adds up to roughly £230 a month as well as taking the baby places everyday!! This would leave me in deficit! He has made comments about how I have some (not much!!) savings so that will cover it. He complains about having to pay so much more. Today we had a disagreement about something unrelated and he told me he is only going to match what I pay in, and if we can't cover the bills it will be my fault so I should just pay 1,100 and he will match it. He has flat out refused to pay more than me anymore. I've said it's not my choice to be paid so little and it's really just because I am the woman that I have the mat leave and I have the pay docked And how is that fair? But he turns it back on me and says we'll how is it fair that he has to pay more? Today I'm starting to doubt the decision on saving equal amounts and wondering if he is right? AIBU?

You need to end your maternity leave now, go back to work, and make sure he pays for half of childcare. He obviously doesn't see you as a family unit.

Well it's not going to get any better. Start planning your escape.

@ZebraLimited wtaf! How are you married to this man, when it sounds like a fling type relationship? Who treats their wife and baby like this. I dont just think he's massively unreasonable, I think he's a dick, a prick and a cock. I was originally thinking you having savings was a tiny bit unfair but the more I think about it the more I think- good you'll need them.

Agree with @BurnoutGP. This won't get better. My best friend married one of these and he has screwed her over at every opportunity. Places zero value on domestic work and begrudges buying clothing or food for the kids - they're no longer together and this was part of the reason.

Well obvious answer it it his child as well - so pay into the bucket . Or he is just obtuse and a twit. Where does he think the money for the family is coming from for a while ?

But if he wants to do that - fine - but he needs to do exactly 50% of the childcare. Write everything down

Once you have children it's not just about his money & your money.
You are a family so you put all monies into a joint point pot which you then use to
pay the bills
food
petrol for car (work & pleasure)
train/bus (work & pleasure)
baby related stuff,
savings
holidays
birthday & Christmas gifts
any other category that you have

Then an equal amount for personal spending

Or you could suggest that you go back to work full time whilst he takes paternity leave to look after the baby & he manages on his paternity pay whilst you keep your own money.

Funnily enough my ex husband was just like your husband (the higher earner out of the two of us) & I also ended up paying out everything for the DC & childcare too from my salary.
Whilst he included all his alcohol in the food money & boy did he drink!

Leaving him with 5 times more personal spending money than me.

We are now divorced & he still moans & every so often & thus withholds child maintenance if he doesn't like or agree with something. (And do I have a list of things he's done but that's for my own thread)

He forgets that by not paying the maintenance he's not actually hurting me it's our DC he's hurting.
It's got to the point where DC have to tell him & embarrass him into continuing to pay maintenance.

Hopefully your husband will buck his ideas up & see that he's being unreasonable & get over his moment of financial abuse madness.
My fingers are crossed 🤞 for you.

Oh & it took plenty of Mumsnetters 💐🍰🥂🍷🍸to spell it out/tell me that he was being financially unfair/abusive.

Tell him you will need to go back to work to do that.
Cost local child care centres and present him with half the cost of care.
Do not have any more children with this man until this is sorted out.

You can't have the same financial arrangements when the situations change. Your income has decreased but outgoings have increased. One pot for the time being to make sure everything in covered. He can't be building his personal savings right now. Once you're back to work the situation changes again and you revisit the arrangement.

And tell him that you are going back to work full time & that you fully expect him to & he will do 50% of all the chores & childcare & pay 50% of nursery/childminding fees & other child related stuff (clothes, shoes, kids hobbies & their entertainment)

I don't understand this at all, surely if you're a family unit you have joint finances?

His behaviour is concerning op. He should be recognising that you are not able to contribute the same financially for a few months as you are doing the full childcare.

I earn a lot less than my DH and I tried to split everything as equally as I could until our DC started nursery and then i couldn’t afford it anymore, so DH paid for more food shops.

I’m on mat leave right now and when I stop being paid full pay, my DH will take over more of the bills and mortgage, as my statutory pay doesn’t even cover my half of the mortgage. This is only for a few months and yes I have savings, but these will be used to my pay my half of holidays or when we need to replace the boiler or the car etc.

What was your agreement before you pregnant?

Also going against the grain, but I think it’s incredibly stupid to have a joint account with anyone. My DH have some bills in our own names and then I transfer him some extra money each month to make it more even.

Goodness. I’d be going back to work and squirrelling away money for myself and my child. His behaviour around this is concerning and is not supportive of you or your child whilst you are on maternity leave. Can you really live your whole life with someone like this? What is he going to do when you have to pay for childcare? Or god forbid when you go out for the day with your child and they want an ice cream- are you going to make sure that you pay him your half of that?!
In all seriousness I’d be having a conversation with him about this and seeing what his answer and reaction is. Make sure you are doing the sensible thing for you and your child. All the best.

Do not use your own personal savings to contribute more to the family pot. That's crazy.
As PP, you need to return to work FT, and to make sure he covers half the childcare costs, and does half the domestic chores.
If you return to work PT, the joint family pot needs to cover the difference in pension contributions between your FT and PT wage. Don't let having a baby mean you are financially disadvantaged.

I got somewhat lost amongst all your figures, but the gist is clear: this man doesn't have your back, he is not a family man, and he is entirely focused on feathering his own nest.

You can leave him now, or do so 10 years down the road, at which point you'll be worn out, skint, and without career prospects.

Think and plan carefully, but act sooner rather than later. This is unlikely to get better.

OMG what am I reading?

Does he know the child is his?

Does he realise you are saving him hundreds, even thousands, in childcare each month?

How can you bear to be married to such a miserly, scrooge toerag?

On top of this, this type of 'man' usually has no issue using you as a domestic slave whether that's doing the majority of the cleaning, cooking, childrearing. I mean why would he? You grew a whole human and pushed it out, but in his eyes you've done nothing worth his support.

Um, has he missed the point that it's his child as well as yours? Did it not occur to him when you agreed to have children that they would affect the household finances?

So for example last month I received £840 and he received £1,900. Total: £2,740. We needed to collectively pay out £2,200 which leaves £540, meaning we each keep £270. So I did 840-270 and paid out 570 whereas my husband did 1900-270 and paid out 1630

This is exactly fair. You also mention a car, which unless it is never used for his benefit (grocery shopping, family days out etc) then that's also a joint cost surely.

Charge him babysitting. Following your figures, you are currently losing about £1k a month? Then charge him half that. Then you can pay more into the joint account...

I'd be doubting my decision to have a child with him and certainly wouldn't be having any more. My dh covered bills I would normally pay and I went back to work before it got to no pay. With dd2 I took the full year and he covered, I spent my money on classes with dd2 and the odd expense that came up. He also paid for nursery for our older two when I returned to work as overall for our family it was better for me to return (financially and mentally for me).

Your situation doesn't bode well.

Any outgoings out of your personal accounts for subscriptions (if shared), debts, car, insurance, fuel, phones needs to come out of the joint calculation too for both of you.. Not out of personal spends.

Are you a high earner OP? Childcare is going to blow your budget when you go back to work. FYI - he's a twat and it's not likely to get any better!

Exactly this. Mine is doing the same. We sat down to work things out and I suggested I pay a quarter of the rent (which is pricey due to living in the home counties). DH immediately said he would pay all the rent, most of the bills, for petrol and any eating out we did as a family. We split groceries in half. He's also tried to take the council tax off my hands but I've not let him, because it's comfortably within my mat leave budget. And he's asked me to tell him if I need money multiple times.

I'm astounded that a man can see a woman go through pregnancy and labour, see her caring relentlessly for their new child, and treat her the way the OP's husband treats his wife.

You had a baby with your roommate

Tbf I’m also astounded that you’d be splitting the food bill on mat leave and “asking” your husband for money, what happens when you go down to no pay for the last portion? Surely the most sensible thing to do is just share when you become a family? My husband just shares everything with me and vice versa so if/when I hopefully go on maternity leave, he’ll be funding the whole thing no questions asked, including baby classes/treats for me etc.

OP, if you’re married you’re legally a family unit, so the law dictates resources are shared, so just tell your husband you need a joint account and he needs to step up and pay while you’re not working. And for anyone else reading, make sure you have these conversations BEFORE you get pregnant.

What others have said. plan the escape and return to work asap. This will not get better. He doesn't see you as a family unit.

Out of interest - how do you plan to share our childcare fees? Has this been discussed? if not, we can tell you how that will go.