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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maternity pay finances

59 replies

ZebraLimited · 01/04/2024 00:57

So please hear me out :) We have an 8 month old and have been having issues trying to work out how much to put into our joint account since I have been on maternity leave.
I have taken 10 months mat leave, received 3 months full pay, 1 month half pay, and the rest is statutory maternity pay. In the past as we got paid (we earned very similar amounts) we would each put £1,100 into the joint account. This has never been an issue until now! When I was pregnant we discussed how we were going to cover our bills this year as I would be losing our on a lot of money - we decided whatever we get paid we each 'save' the same amount and put the rest into the joint account. This was my idea and my husband only grudgingly accepted! So for example last month I received £840 and he received £1,900. Total: £2,740. We needed to collectively pay out £2,200 which leaves £540, meaning we each keep £270. So I did 840-270 and paid out 570 whereas my husband did 1900-270 and paid out 1630. The problem is every month he complains about this being unfair. He has suggested we pay a percentage. (If we each paid about 80% which is what's needed to make 2200, it would leave me with £160 and him with £380. Bearing in mind my husband has no personal outgoings so saves it all whereas I have car payments tax and insurance which adds up to roughly £230 a month as well as taking the baby places everyday!! This would leave me in deficit! He has made comments about how I have some (not much!!) savings so that will cover it. He complains about having to pay so much more. Today we had a disagreement about something unrelated and he told me he is only going to match what I pay in, and if we can't cover the bills it will be my fault so I should just pay 1,100 and he will match it. He has flat out refused to pay more than me anymore. I've said it's not my choice to be paid so little and it's really just because I am the woman that I have the mat leave and I have the pay docked And how is that fair? But he turns it back on me and says we'll how is it fair that he has to pay more? Today I'm starting to doubt the decision on saving equal amounts and wondering if he is right? AIBU?

OP posts:
Hillarious · 01/04/2024 08:47

He really needs to start behaving like a grown up.

BobbysSox · 01/04/2024 08:53

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

We started off in the same position as you, earning similar amounts. We used savings to cover my mat leave. DH then took over all of the bills when I dropped down to part time. By this time he was earning much more than me.
I kept my wages but used them for our savings, stuff for the kids, holidays etc. Basically it was our fun money. Fast forward to Covid & I lost my job. Had no access to any money even for a food shop as we didn't have a joint account.
We did then set one up and we've worked out how much we should both pay in to be left with an equal amount of personal spends. Works much better.

I think if you don't sort this out properly now then you are storing up problems for the future. I would give him a harsh ultimatum - either joint finances or an expensive divorce.

NotSmallButFunSize · 01/04/2024 08:56

We take equal fun money and share the rest - why would you not, we are a family and our responsibilities are equal.
When I was on mat leave we just pooled everything with no separate fun money cos we couldn't afford it - absolutely no way was I being told I had to "contribute my usual share" when I was receiving a quarter of my usual pay. That WAS my contribution, it was all I had!
Luckily my husband is not a tight twat and understands that by having a family together we are a team. He earns twice as much as me and we still just share it

BobbysSox · 01/04/2024 09:02

Just to add, don't settle for the 'we'll both pay 80%' This sounds fair on the surface but unless you're earning the same it isn't!
Typically, the man will progress his career quicker as he doesn't need to take time off for mat leave or work part time, meaning he will earn more and have more personal spends. Don't fall for it!

CommentNow · 01/04/2024 09:06

He really didn't think through having a baby and is being selfish.

For comparison, my DH covered everything when I went on SMP and unpaid and insisted all baby stuff went on the joint account.

We arent rich, far from it. The way we saw it, it was best for baby to be with me for the full year and it wasnt much extra in the bank for me to go back to work and pay nursery costs.

He also did 5050 at home and nights because his 9-5 job was work, mine was the baby.

My point is that some men will willingly put their family first, others are selfish and dont see why they should pay for you to have "time off" because they fundamentally have an attitude problem that sees parenting and maternity as a free holiday and they resent it (whilst simultaneously having no appetite to do it themselves and are either inept at looking after their own kids or act like heroes for "babysitting".

Sadly I think you have the latter husband and should prepare yourself for a long haul. It's not on that he is acting like he thinks you are being mean and taking his money while you sit on your arse with the baby all day and he pays for it.

Springtime789 · 01/04/2024 09:07

Are there no joint savings to cover the period of maternity leave? That would be the best way to cover this period. He is being unreasonable to expect you to pay in the same as you usually do when your income has more than halved due to maternity leave .

Testina · 01/04/2024 09:08

“When I was pregnant we discussed how we were going to cover our bills this year”

Well that was you first known mistake, though sadly choosing him at all was probably a prior mistake 😕

This should have been agreed before planning a child, and anything less than enthusiastic agreement should have put those plans on hold.

Right now, the important thing to do is to hold your line. Do not be bullied into using your savings - frankly you’ll need those when you leave him, because he’s shown his true colours. Call his bluff - if he won’t pay more, then the bills go unpaid.

What have you agreed for how childcare is paid? Please tell me you’ve agreed that 🫣
Think very carefully if you’re planning to return part time.

LiterallyOnFire · 01/04/2024 09:09

It's not really a marriage, is it?

Soontobe60 · 01/04/2024 09:13

Weenurse · 01/04/2024 01:35

Tell him you will need to go back to work to do that.
Cost local child care centres and present him with half the cost of care.
Do not have any more children with this man until this is sorted out.

No, tell him you’ll be returning to work asap and HE needs to sort out childcare for HIS child!

EverybodyLTB · 01/04/2024 09:20

You’ll end up like loads of women I know, who spend all of their wages on childcare and do the bulk of housework and kids on top of working full time. I urge you to not let this be you! Either he treats you as a family unit and values your contribution, and sees supporting you and your baby together as a normal part of being a dad - or it’s ducks in a row time.

RiderofRohan · 01/04/2024 09:23

YaWeeFurryBastard · 01/04/2024 08:35

Tbf I’m also astounded that you’d be splitting the food bill on mat leave and “asking” your husband for money, what happens when you go down to no pay for the last portion? Surely the most sensible thing to do is just share when you become a family? My husband just shares everything with me and vice versa so if/when I hopefully go on maternity leave, he’ll be funding the whole thing no questions asked, including baby classes/treats for me etc.

OP, if you’re married you’re legally a family unit, so the law dictates resources are shared, so just tell your husband you need a joint account and he needs to step up and pay while you’re not working. And for anyone else reading, make sure you have these conversations BEFORE you get pregnant.

Show quote history

Nope, not necessary in my situation. I'm a high earner and don't require my husband to fully bankroll me. He is self employed, also a high earner, and it's not tax efficient for him to take above a certain amount out in any given year, which is why he contributes more to pension. This will help us retire in our 50s. He's also saving up for our deposit and will be contributing 80% to this next year.

We are fully aligned with our finances and discuss them regularly. Not every couple does the 'put it all in one account and split it down the middle'. In our case we'd be losing money in taxes and child benefit if we did.

WouldYouLikeMeToSpellThatForYou · 01/04/2024 09:25

BurnoutGP · 01/04/2024 01:21

Well it's not going to get any better. Start planning your escape.

^

Happy to use your body to gain a child but not willing to try and level the ground for you both. This would not fly in my household - misogyny at its most insidious!

WouldYouLikeMeToSpellThatForYou · 01/04/2024 09:26

Not to mention bordering financial abuse - making you struggle financially and be in deficit, use your savings etc, whilst you also suffer financially re pensions and career. Disgusting

Floopani · 01/04/2024 09:31

My ex husband was like this when I had a baby. The expectation was that I would cover my own maternity leave by saving up for it. He would also fuck off on boys holidays and saw his annual bonus as his money. It was more than money too, everything child related was for me to deal with.

Only got better when I left and formalised his contribution through CMS.

GabriellaMontez · 01/04/2024 09:49

What everyone else said.

Out of interest, does he benefit from your car? If so start charging him.

Blueyandsocks · 01/04/2024 09:54

It makes my blood boil reading this. Of course he should be contributing towards your maternity- you’re looking after his child!!

MrsMoastyToasty · 01/04/2024 09:55

Remind him that the bills still need paying. If you cannot pay and he is being stupid about it then you will both fall into arrears and you risk losing your home and both your credit scores will be fucked.

Tell him to man up and actually provide for his child.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 01/04/2024 09:58

RiderofRohan · 01/04/2024 09:23

Nope, not necessary in my situation. I'm a high earner and don't require my husband to fully bankroll me. He is self employed, also a high earner, and it's not tax efficient for him to take above a certain amount out in any given year, which is why he contributes more to pension. This will help us retire in our 50s. He's also saving up for our deposit and will be contributing 80% to this next year.

We are fully aligned with our finances and discuss them regularly. Not every couple does the 'put it all in one account and split it down the middle'. In our case we'd be losing money in taxes and child benefit if we did.

Show quote history

Sorry I don’t see how being a high earner is at all relevant? (If you’re getting child benefit that’s not what I’d personally class as high earning but that’s by the by). We’re also both high earners and still share. The last portion of my maternity would be unpaid, so I don’t see how it would be fair for me not to have fully equal access to family funds during this time?

I find it very sad that some people see it ask “bankrolling” for a husband to fund his wife on maternity leave, my husband is proud to be able to do so.

KnickerlessParsons · 01/04/2024 10:16

You're a family now, not two people who live together.
Both salaries should be paid into one (the same) account and everything comes out of that.

TwirlyWhirlie · 01/04/2024 10:24

Never understand relationships like this, so transactional.

RiderofRohan · 01/04/2024 10:26

YaWeeFurryBastard · 01/04/2024 09:58

Sorry I don’t see how being a high earner is at all relevant? (If you’re getting child benefit that’s not what I’d personally class as high earning but that’s by the by). We’re also both high earners and still share. The last portion of my maternity would be unpaid, so I don’t see how it would be fair for me not to have fully equal access to family funds during this time?

I find it very sad that some people see it ask “bankrolling” for a husband to fund his wife on maternity leave, my husband is proud to be able to do so.

Show quote history

I'm on mat leave so entitled to child benefit. I won't be if I return to work full time (though I'm planning 3 days a week to spend more time with my LO, so will still get something according to the new rules). If DH was to take all the money he earns out of his company each year, we'd lose £££ in tax and we would not be entitled to child benefit. This is advice from financial advisors rather than strangers on the internet.

If he were to become employed and receive his salary post tax, then putting our salaries into one account would make sense. Currently we'd just be cutting off our nose to spite our face.

If you budget adequately as a family, why do you need to change things for the part of your mat leave that is unpaid? I don't spend everything I earn and have split my mat leave evenly over all the months I'm off work.

Naunet · 01/04/2024 10:40

So in his mind, fair is that you do all the childcare, probably most of the housework AND pay half the bills? Tell him either he starts doing 50% of the childcare and housework, or he pays more, he can’t have it both ways.

User79853257976 · 01/04/2024 10:52

I’m not even going to read the whole thing. Married couples should have joint accounts only.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 01/04/2024 11:01

RiderofRohan · 01/04/2024 10:26

I'm on mat leave so entitled to child benefit. I won't be if I return to work full time (though I'm planning 3 days a week to spend more time with my LO, so will still get something according to the new rules). If DH was to take all the money he earns out of his company each year, we'd lose £££ in tax and we would not be entitled to child benefit. This is advice from financial advisors rather than strangers on the internet.

If he were to become employed and receive his salary post tax, then putting our salaries into one account would make sense. Currently we'd just be cutting off our nose to spite our face.

If you budget adequately as a family, why do you need to change things for the part of your mat leave that is unpaid? I don't spend everything I earn and have split my mat leave evenly over all the months I'm off work.

Show quote history

Nobody is trying to give you advice on the internet 😂. The tax position is not really relevant so I’m not sure why you’re getting so hung up on it?

Your DH evidently has more money than you do on maternity leave as he’s paying all the rent and bills and I’m just of the opinion that women on maternity leave should have full and equal access to funds, not have to “just ask” if they need more money, I would find that controlling from a man.

Apologies if this comes across as having a dig, it’s not meant to and your clearly happy with your situation, but I just want women to be aware that it’s healthy and normal for a man to fully share his money with his wife and that women shouldn’t be scrimping and saving or having to request access to money whilst their husband holds onto it all.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 01/04/2024 11:18

Ooof. We've always had a joint account to pay for holidays / food / bills. When pregnant / on maternity, this account also included anything child related, pregnancy related, family related etc. Our contributions were always in relation to our earning power so yes, hubby has 'bankrolled' me frequently and has never even referenced it. He knew it was part and parcel of having a baby. A tight (best case scenario) or inherently sexist (worst case) man is never a turn on.