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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband on phone the whole fucking time he’s with the children

437 replies

Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 20:49

I’m heavily pregnant and extremely hormonal so want to check I’m not overreacting…

DH has been getting up early with our small children throughout my pregnancy. Amazing - what a great dad. So helpful for me to have an extra 1-2 hours in bed. Right?

except that I’ve just learnt that day in, day out, he is, from 5am-7am, just watching YouTube videos on his phone. And they are short videos, 2-3 mins long (eg about football or tv shows or films). So it’s not something he has on in the background (which tbh I also wouldn’t find ideal as 1 and 3 year old need supervision and attention and it isn’t setting the best example/they aren’t allowed screen time in the morning). He has just been actively doomscrolling and watching stuff for hours on end. For months.

I am a SAHM and I have to say this just isn’t parenting for me. I found out he was doing this for a window at the beginning of my pregnancy, explained I didn’t think this was alright and if he didn’t feel up to getting up I would rather do it myself/not do this. He said he understood/agreed. So I trusted him
not to do it. And I find out he has all along!

I totally get some people have different bars for what they do/let their children do and I am not judging for that but AIBU to think I should be able to trust my husband to do what we fucking agreed with our children?! I feel like an idiot I would have rather been up at 5am myself. It explains a lot of things too - DS having a bump etc and him not knowing how it happened, or me sometimes waking up to hear DS communicating but not able to hear my husband responding for several minutes.

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1312 · 01/04/2024 04:12

mathanxiety · 01/04/2024 03:59

To all the people not seeing a problem here - if you found out a nanny you hired or a nursery worker who was supposed to be taking care of your children was instead glued to their phone for two solid hours, would you be happy?

At nursery, the staff are not on their phones but they're frequently changing another child's nappy, updating info on the app, clearing away paints and toys etc. Not the whole time but a lot of the time.

When my child is 1y+ (as op's are) I'm totally fine with this. There are stations set up to play with

MariaVT65 · 01/04/2024 04:14

mathanxiety · 01/04/2024 04:09

You're saying it's not ok for someone you pay to do this but it's OK for the children's own parent to sit like a lump on the couch and basically ignore them for two hours?

In both cases, the children are left to their own devices and are only given token supervision at most. In both cases, the children could hurt themselves, and will be aware that they are having to repeat calls for the caregiver's attention.

Are you saying it's OK for the children to be in this position?

Show quote history

Lol

In a childcare setting, i am paying someone to do more than just ‘watch my kids’. Fyi, yes I have actually removed my kid from a childminder who sat him in front of the tv all day and was on her phone a lot, plus other things.

These childcare settings are not looking after the kids at 5am either.

My DC sometimes get up stupidly early and i’m exhausted. Sometimes i will look at my phone and also put the tv on for them. But guess what - I can multitask. I don’t actually ignore them. They also get fed and they haven’t been injured. Exhausted parents don’t have been to be Mary Poppins 24/7.

HoppingPavlova · 01/04/2024 04:19

I’m not suggesting he needs to entertain them. He could sit there with his coffee and just watch them and chip in - that’s what I did. The point is that he is engaging and actually supervising

I’m with your DH here. At that time I don’t think he should be engaging at all, just keeping a side eye to ensure they are safe. Engaging means they have incentive for getting up at stupid o’clock. The idea is to make those 2 hours as boring as possible and sounds like he is on point.

lemonmeringueno3 · 01/04/2024 05:07

I think that, if a parent gets up at 5am every single day, to supervise two very young children before going to do a full-time job with hours so long that they get home after the dc are in bed, then they get to spend those two hours doing whatever they want as long as the dc are safe.

The other parent can have an opinion on it - not great parenting, a shame it's not a better quality interaction etc - but really shouldn't dictate how it is done.

OP thinks watching TikTok or whatever is poor show. Her DP could argue that he's trying to encourage a later wake-up time by making those hours pretty dull for dc.

It's only ok to criticise him if it's also ok for him to criticise how op parents during the day.

Hownowbrownsheep · 01/04/2024 05:25

YANBU! Parental phone use is so damaging to children.

To all of the people voting YABU and normalising this because they are addicted to their phones - sort your shit out*, seriously. There's a great book called Breaking up With Your Phone if you need some help. Stolen Focus is good too.

Parental phone use is so harmful to children's emotional and psychological developement. There are plenty of peer reviewed studies to show it. Google it. Gabor Mate is very interesting on this too.

It's heartbreaking. Children literally take on the message that that device matters more than them, it's linked to low-self esteem, attachment disorders, all sorts. Not to mention what you are modelling.

The effects of this will be the foundation of the next mental health crisis in 10-20 years time.

Reading books while your children play independtly does not have the same effect, interestingly.

ttcat37 · 01/04/2024 05:27

MissLucyx · 31/03/2024 23:32

You’re clearly on your gadgets all the time. He’s neglecting the kids she should care.

Show quote history

Am I? What ‘gadgets‘ are they then since you seems to know so much about what I’m doing?
And how do you know he’s neglecting the kids? Have you ever witnessed neglect of children? It’s not watching YouTube whilst doing other stuff. I imagine the poster’s attempt to control every aspect of parenting is far more toxic than the dad flicking through YouTube.

MariaVT65 · 01/04/2024 05:28

Hownowbrownsheep · 01/04/2024 05:25

YANBU! Parental phone use is so damaging to children.

To all of the people voting YABU and normalising this because they are addicted to their phones - sort your shit out*, seriously. There's a great book called Breaking up With Your Phone if you need some help. Stolen Focus is good too.

Parental phone use is so harmful to children's emotional and psychological developement. There are plenty of peer reviewed studies to show it. Google it. Gabor Mate is very interesting on this too.

It's heartbreaking. Children literally take on the message that that device matters more than them, it's linked to low-self esteem, attachment disorders, all sorts. Not to mention what you are modelling.

The effects of this will be the foundation of the next mental health crisis in 10-20 years time.

Reading books while your children play independtly does not have the same effect, interestingly.

Edited

What do you do at 5am?

Hownowbrownsheep · 01/04/2024 05:33

MariaVT65 · 01/04/2024 05:28

What do you do at 5am?

Show quote history

I chat to my children, make a cup of tea, watch them play and tell myself 'this too shall pass'. If they are playing independently I might lay on the sofa and read a book. If they are wanting my attention I read a book to them. Sometimes we listen to an audiobook on the yoto together.

If this is too much of a struggle at 5am, you need to go to bed earlier.

(hint: blue light from screens at night time messes up your sleep)

101Nutella · 01/04/2024 05:35

@Hormonalorjustified YANBU.

you say it’s the only bonding time he gets with the children and he isn’t actually being available or bonding.

its heartbreaking seeing little ones look to check in with a parent and be ignored for a phone. They are confused why we emotionally aren’t responding with our faces. I saw a study on it and even young babies know they are being ignored. They make fresh attempts for attention then abandon it. That’s the truth of it. It’s not a message I want to send.

we aren’t talking 5 mins, we’re talking 2hrs. It would be better if he put a film on (for his attention span). I’m up all hours and I don’t ignore my child doom scrolling for hours. The fact thry have unexplainable injuries and he still hasn’t changed his actions shows he is unreliable and maybe addicted.

sorry you’re having to parent a ‘partner’.

Hownowbrownsheep · 01/04/2024 05:35

(I don't live in the GMT timezone BTW before you think of a witty quip about me being online right now. But good morning UK early risers!)

MoodyMargaret11 · 01/04/2024 05:39

Your DH works FULL TIME,
I am really impressed he is able to get up at 5 and sit with children period.
You say they are asleep when he's back and they wake up so early, I'm wondering what time you put them to sleep?
Perhaps you can push back their times by an hour or 2, then he could see them after work and they'll sleep till later.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 01/04/2024 05:41

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 31/03/2024 22:08

Can you imagine the howls of outrage if we were talking about a husband monitoring his wife's phone usage and complaining she's not parenting right?

I know, so controlling. No wonder he didn’t tell her.

MariaVT65 · 01/04/2024 05:46

Hownowbrownsheep · 01/04/2024 05:33

I chat to my children, make a cup of tea, watch them play and tell myself 'this too shall pass'. If they are playing independently I might lay on the sofa and read a book. If they are wanting my attention I read a book to them. Sometimes we listen to an audiobook on the yoto together.

If this is too much of a struggle at 5am, you need to go to bed earlier.

(hint: blue light from screens at night time messes up your sleep)

Show quote history

Wow. Patronising or what.

Since my son was born, I have very rarely been to bed past 9pm. That early enough for you? Doesn’t really help the frequent night wake ups. ‘This too shall pass’ is utter bollocks when you’ve been exhausted for years lol.

What’s the difference between someone looking at their phone and someone reading a book?

Unless i misread, Op is not saying that her DH tells the kids to sod off if they want something from him.

Don’t tell me that ‘chatting to your children’ lasts very long when they are too young an age to talk properly yet.

glassconcreteandstone · 01/04/2024 05:53

JustCosy · 31/03/2024 23:57

OP, just wanted to stand in solidarity with you. I'm honestly shocked (and a little disturbed) by some of these responses. I work in a field that researches the effect of screen use, particularly by children and also the effect of (to put it bluntly) lazy and addicted parents who spend large amounts of time engaged in screens rather than their extremely impressionable children.

The results are catastrophic and devastating, and you are correct regarding the behaviour difficulties we are seeing in both Primary and Secondary aged children. Please do not let previous posters convince you otherwise. As a collective, we are heading down a very dark and damaging path that seems to be irreversible at this point.
It's people like you who give me a teeny bit of hope for our future generation.

Please link to some relevant studies regarding these claims!

WandaWonder · 01/04/2024 05:56

Hownowbrownsheep · 01/04/2024 05:33

I chat to my children, make a cup of tea, watch them play and tell myself 'this too shall pass'. If they are playing independently I might lay on the sofa and read a book. If they are wanting my attention I read a book to them. Sometimes we listen to an audiobook on the yoto together.

If this is too much of a struggle at 5am, you need to go to bed earlier.

(hint: blue light from screens at night time messes up your sleep)

Show quote history

Yes we'll when I need to go to the toilet to battle opening the loo roll packet I call a nanny to arrive by umbrella and they sit their threading weeds into animal sculptures and then we all sit around singing Kumbuya while learning the violin, it's a skill, we also don't allow devices ever me writing thin on here is doing it on a chalkboard and it appears by magic

ageratum1 · 01/04/2024 05:58

You get up and look after them then!

MariaVT65 · 01/04/2024 06:02

JustCosy · 31/03/2024 23:57

OP, just wanted to stand in solidarity with you. I'm honestly shocked (and a little disturbed) by some of these responses. I work in a field that researches the effect of screen use, particularly by children and also the effect of (to put it bluntly) lazy and addicted parents who spend large amounts of time engaged in screens rather than their extremely impressionable children.

The results are catastrophic and devastating, and you are correct regarding the behaviour difficulties we are seeing in both Primary and Secondary aged children. Please do not let previous posters convince you otherwise. As a collective, we are heading down a very dark and damaging path that seems to be irreversible at this point.
It's people like you who give me a teeny bit of hope for our future generation.

‘Catastrophic’ and ‘devasting’ is taking it too far. This isn’t going on all day is it. I’m sure op’s kids get lots of other activies and attention throughout the day.

Bananarama74 · 01/04/2024 06:08

Yabu but only because I’m not a morning person and would have done the same, probably. Maybe not YouTube but honestly, that time in the morning to engage with the kids for two hours. My sis in law engages with her kids at this time and they can’t get out of waking early. Agh. I do get you being annoyed if it’s true that they’re injuring themselves etc. that’s obviously not good! but I do understand that he doesn’t want to play at those times. It’s still night time to lots of people. But if he’s not keeping them safe then that’s bad and if the lack of engagement is continuing through the day then also bad.

LoudSnoringDog · 01/04/2024 06:08

This thread is insane

the amount of posts we see about complete and utter arsehole husbands and partners, cocklodgers, abusers, men who have packed up and left and don’t even see their kids- and we have one here who works FT and gets up at 5am everyday to ensure his pregnant wife has enough rest.…..

unless there is some back story here about his level of cognitive functioning that renders him literally incapable of looking after children, I would not get at all wound up
about this.

in the days when my kids would have me up from 4/5 am I probably would have been scrolling through mumsnet in all honesty, contributing to posts about arsehole husbands….

Polishedshoesalways · 01/04/2024 06:17

I never used my phone when my dc were young ( too busy!) but at 5am I think you need to give him a break!

You are also behaving like chief parent op. He has the right to decide for himself what’s okay or not at 5am!!
You don’t get to call all of the shots, if he is engaged as a parent for the rest of the time. The reason he didn’t tell you is because you are being unreasonable ( I imagine have form for this) it sounds controlling.

Your children need to find the 5am starts boring, so there is no upside to continuing. No toys, no cheerful engaged parenting. They need to be told it’s too early even for the birds and put them back into bed with kiss. They are young so i understand this might not be possible but there should be no ‘chipping ‘ in and it should not be fun. Ultimately you are trying to get them to sleep for longer in the mornings.

grinandslothit · 01/04/2024 06:20

He's lazy.

HoppingPavlova · 01/04/2024 06:20

It's heartbreaking. Children literally take on the message that that device matters more than them, it's linked to low-self esteem, attachment disorders, all sorts. Not to mention what you are modelling. The effects of this will be the foundation of the next mental health crisis in 10-20 years time

That would be absolutely correct if that’s all children are experiencing BUT it’s not. It’s for a 2hr period only when they really shouldn’t be up. Come 7am to bedtime, as long as they are engaged with and responded to then there is no issue, so pointless applying these broad stroke studies to children who only experience it for this period early in the morning.

Moneybum · 01/04/2024 06:22

I’d be livid too. Not ok in my book.

HoppingPavlova · 01/04/2024 06:24

To all of the people voting YABU and normalising this because they are addicted to their phones - sort your shit out, seriously. There's a great book called Breaking up With Your Phone if you need some help. Stolen Focus is good too*

I think you are missing the point as it’s not necessarily about the phone. When I had my kids smartphones were not a thing. Mobiles existed but were very big and solely used for calling in/out. I certainly would not have engaged and interacted with mine at that time, no way. It would have been low light, no sound or talking and boring as batshit. No inducement to wake up that early. Come 7am, curtains open, lights on if necessary, breakfast and engaged interaction until bedtime. Nothing to do with phone addiction, it’s just common sense!

leafybrew · 01/04/2024 06:27

Exhausted parents don’t have been to be Mary Poppins 24/7.

This

Plus - back in the day - before screens, sometimes parental neglect could come in the form of the parent always with their head in a book.

I can't remember which novel this featured in - but may have been A Spool of Blue Thread by Ann Tyler?

Certainly people were called 'book worms' and not always in a complimentary way.

As regards the OP's husband - leave the poor sod alone - he's getting up with the kids for 2 hours before work whilst she has a nice sleep/rest - before he's off to work for the day.