Or is DS?

[AllPrincessAnneshorses]

We have helped DS buy a flat with a substantial interest free loan (about 45% of the purchase) rest from inheritance from DM. He is now saying he must have a freehold property and is planning to move 100+ miles from his work and commute in as he is in office only 2 days of 5 as he can't afford a freehold anywhere nearer. He lives with gf who is long term sick, unsure how much she contributes financially as they won't discuss it with us.
I feel a flat is fine just for the two of them. Would consider upping the loan ( we can't give the extra money outright or would have to do the same for his brother, also there's imo a risk that he could be financially exploited) so he could get a two bed flat nearer in but he insists it's freehold or nothing.
For context he is autistic, finally (took a few years) in regular work but not that well paid. He meets all expenses but obviously is rent free which in the SE would be a significant dent. We want him to have a predictable and secure home but feel this is unrealistic and will cost him far, far more in fares and increased running costs than he saves in service charges. He appears to assume freehold is always best, end of story.
How can I word this so as to get it factual and non-accusatory? Any impediment to or questioning of his plans usually results in a strop and doubling down on original intentions.
Or do we need to accept his plans and let him find out on his own?

Would he need you to increase your current loan to him in order to do this move?

Well he sounds ungrateful. I wonder if he realises that if he's freehold and the building needs work he has to cover the cost. Maybe say you won't be funding that.

@Zapx perhaps. He has some target towns, only one of which he has ever visited for more than a day, prices in them do vary.

Assuming he’s an adult then it’s up to him what kind of home he wishes to purchase, it’s not really any of your business. The fact you’re loaning money is irrelevant, it’s unreasonable if your loan come with a list of caveats regarding where he can or can’t live. He’s an adult so yes, obviously you need to accept his plans and find his own way.

I think he hasn't really thought it through tbh. Or assumes he can just choose not to get work done. We have told him how much certain works to our house have cost but he just says he'll get a more modern one which won't need repairs

I was going to say he’s and adult so it’s his decision but after you’re update it’s quite clear he’s pretty naive. Not ungrateful like PP said, that’s quite harsh.

But he can't afford it. Surely mortgage company would want to check that, why can't we?

Yes, he's not ungrateful so much as only focused on one aspect, we feel to his potential detriment.

He complains about an hour commute now. The places he wants would be two and a half minimum each way

If he can’t afford it then how will he buy it? From your post it sounds like the reason he’s moving away from you is so that he can afford the kind of property he wants? It sounds like your issue is that he’s moving away from you but as an adult he has the right to move away from his hometown if he wishes to.

Clearly his ASD is an issue here so it’s not just as simple as allowing him to make a huge, naive mistake.

My son has ASD, I’m not sure I’d pay tens of thousands of £s for him to go forward with this plan. However he’s an adult and entitled to his choices, it’s an extremely difficult situation for you to navigate. Overall, I think I would be pulling out if I were you.

He doesn't live in our home town, he's 20+ miles away. He can't afford the rail fares of £4-500 a month from his proposed places on top of increased heating, council tax etc.
My issue is nothing to do with distance.

Honestly he doesn't sound mature enough for you to make this massive investment. I'd let him rent for a while.

He doesn't rent now, owns the flat with our help.

Apologies I mis read. Just tell him no sorry he's fine where he is, he doesn't need to move and clearly can't afford to.

Okay, sorry that wasn’t clear in your original post. To be honest in that case it doesn’t sound like he is responsible enough to be buying a flat, if he can’t manage a simple budget or understand finances in this way it sounds like owning a property could be a disaster.

If only it were that simple, sigh. I do think the flat could be remodelled to give them more usable space, might suggest that

But it is?! The ASD is a red herring. If he didn't have it would you opening your purse at every beck and call? You're not teaching him how to be a grown up - he needs to learn he can't just snap his fingers and the bank of mum and dad will make everything better.

Have you actually asked him how he intends to pay for all of this. Or does he think that as you got one loan you'll be getting another for him.

He has managed pretty well with plenty of leeway on costs and a modest lifestyle, so current flat is fine. What I can't see happening is all the extra expenses he's wanting to face
One thing we certainly will be asking (this moving idea is pretty new) is has he fully costed this

Sorry but you're really enabling him. You're not helping with how to cope with adult life once you're gone one day.

So does he own his current flat? Sorry that wasn’t really clear in your OP, to confirm are you saying he currently owns a flat but wants to sell it and buy a freehold one 100+ miles away? Does he pay a mortgage on his current flat? Would he be able to afford to move and pay stamp duty and solicitors fees etc and new mortgage costs etc? To be honest if he can’t even manage a simple budget it sounds like managing to sell his current flat and move is a complete pipe dream anyway, I would just stay out of it and let him explore the option as it sounds like he won’t be able to make it go anywhere anyway.

You have given the money. It is no longer yours. You say interest free loan, I assume you have an agreed repayment rate as long as he is meeting that then you have very little say.

If you don't have an agreed repayment rate I suggest you start so that you don't get annoyed by his plan as you have a smaller amount invested and he has less cash to waste on grand plans.

So does he own his current flat? Sorry that wasn’t really clear in your OP

An interest free loan from the OP plus an inheritance from his grandmother.

It does say in the first sentence that we have helped him buy a flat with a loan plus his inheritance?
He can't buy anything without our help, doesn't earn enough.

We haven't given it, it's repayable on sale, were advised by a solicitor so he couldn't be fleeced. GM inheritance still at risk, that's quite enough risk.