Or is DS?

[AllPrincessAnneshorses]

We have helped DS buy a flat with a substantial interest free loan (about 45% of the purchase) rest from inheritance from DM. He is now saying he must have a freehold property and is planning to move 100+ miles from his work and commute in as he is in office only 2 days of 5 as he can't afford a freehold anywhere nearer. He lives with gf who is long term sick, unsure how much she contributes financially as they won't discuss it with us.
I feel a flat is fine just for the two of them. Would consider upping the loan ( we can't give the extra money outright or would have to do the same for his brother, also there's imo a risk that he could be financially exploited) so he could get a two bed flat nearer in but he insists it's freehold or nothing.
For context he is autistic, finally (took a few years) in regular work but not that well paid. He meets all expenses but obviously is rent free which in the SE would be a significant dent. We want him to have a predictable and secure home but feel this is unrealistic and will cost him far, far more in fares and increased running costs than he saves in service charges. He appears to assume freehold is always best, end of story.
How can I word this so as to get it factual and non-accusatory? Any impediment to or questioning of his plans usually results in a strop and doubling down on original intentions.
Or do we need to accept his plans and let him find out on his own?

Well I really, really hope she's paying her keep but as she's sick...

Ah and to answer your point, I'm guessing he is hell bent on this new property and won't have any rational discussion about it.

Would it work to ask neutral questions "How much does the train cost from Hastings to your place of work? How long did you say it would take again." and try and be fairly low key in your responses "So £50 a day that's £100 a week or £500 a month." Don't comment negatively about it "Gosh 2 hrs each way, what time will you need to leave in the morning?"

Disclaimer I'm no expert with Autism so I could be off the mark here, but is the trick to try to get him to see the drawbacks without directly pointing them out to him ?

Yes, could be a way. Historically we have done the " try and see" method as a way to avoid needless argument and "NT parents are always wrong".

Not to say we're never wrong but we have been supporting and budgeting for ourselves for over 40 years now so may know a thing or two on this particular subject.

NT parents may be always wrong, but they are the ones with control of the bank accounts!

More importantly we've been homeowners for over 40 years

I would tell him that the current loan is repayable when he sells the current flat.

If he wants you to extend him a new loan for the purchase of a new property then you will need to see full analysis of all of his income and projected outgoings so that you can be assured that the new investment is sound. It is what a mortgage lender would require, so see if you can find some worksheets from an online mortgage company or something to give him an idea of what he needs to include

He will also need to include a buffer for cost of living increases and maintenance/emergencies (like boiler breaking) and an estimate of moving expenses and fees, taxes and legal costs associated with selling and buying

Tell him that once he has done all of that work you will sit down with him and review it to see if you feel that loaning your money to him again would be a sound financial decision for you.

Just because the loan on this flat was a good idea doesnt mean he gets to just use the loan for whatever else he wants to going forward.

Even if he expects to just move the loan who does he expect will pay for all the costs associated with moving? For surveys, solicitors, removal services etc? I think it’s entirely reasonable to say if you are going to move the loan you need to see how he’s going to fund the move. Presumably he won’t be able to show this so it should be an easy enough no.

OP sometimes when buying a property its also good to have a view on the saleability of it for when you come to wanting to move on, so if your DS did go a head and buy a freehold flat it's always mindful that if he did want to sell it and a buyer needed a mortgage some mortgage lenders won't give a mortgage on a freehold flat as they know that the owner has no obligation to keep the property in good order.

He thinks he's going to commute two days a week when it's 100 miles away? That's crazy!

Why not tell him to book an Airbnb in the place where he wants to live for a month and commute in twice a week and see how he likes it. Preferably choose a time when it's raining

Or when the train drivers are on strike.

This is a great idea...I'd even offer to pay for the Air BnB to help him to fully immerse himself in the "try before you buy" scenario for a good couple of weeks 🤣🤣🤣