Or is DS?

[AllPrincessAnneshorses]

We have helped DS buy a flat with a substantial interest free loan (about 45% of the purchase) rest from inheritance from DM. He is now saying he must have a freehold property and is planning to move 100+ miles from his work and commute in as he is in office only 2 days of 5 as he can't afford a freehold anywhere nearer. He lives with gf who is long term sick, unsure how much she contributes financially as they won't discuss it with us.
I feel a flat is fine just for the two of them. Would consider upping the loan ( we can't give the extra money outright or would have to do the same for his brother, also there's imo a risk that he could be financially exploited) so he could get a two bed flat nearer in but he insists it's freehold or nothing.
For context he is autistic, finally (took a few years) in regular work but not that well paid. He meets all expenses but obviously is rent free which in the SE would be a significant dent. We want him to have a predictable and secure home but feel this is unrealistic and will cost him far, far more in fares and increased running costs than he saves in service charges. He appears to assume freehold is always best, end of story.
How can I word this so as to get it factual and non-accusatory? Any impediment to or questioning of his plans usually results in a strop and doubling down on original intentions.
Or do we need to accept his plans and let him find out on his own?

Why isn't it as simple as saying "no"? He's an adult and can do what he likes, including selling a flat that's presumably registered in his name. That doesn't mean you have to provide him with any further funding.

So just say no. No need to justify your decision. You've given him a loan and that's all you have to give.

If he can’t afford to buy anything without your help then obviously it’s fine to refuse, you’ve already bought him a flat, I don’t know why he would expect to get another handout. Just tell him you’re not in a position to give him any more money, that’s completely reasonable. If he wants to move then he needs to stand on his own two feet and earn the money himself, that’s a completely reasonable expectation of an adult.

A train fare of 100 miles is easily going to be £500 a month. Has he factored in the extra cost?

To reiterate he currently owns a flat with a large loan from us ( no other loans, when he moved he was only in temp work) wants a house at same price, can't get one local to him, hence looking elsewher with massive increase in living costs
Our concern is his ambitions outrun his resources and supporting it would set him up to fail.

Trust me, we'll be asking this. And pointing out that train fares regularly rise above the rate of inflation year on year.

If you’re concerned, just say no. Explain that you were happy to loan him the money for his current flat but that you’re not able to do that again and if he wishes to move he will need to do so with a mortgage like any other adult. He sounds very entitled if he thinks you should just buy him a house now he’s bored of his flat.

I dont get why you can't just say no? Why all this round the houses?

Maybe in MN land "no is a complete sentence" but some helpful suggestions on how to word it was what I was aiming for...plus I would really prefer not to fall out about this.

Can’t you just say he’s an adult and so he needs to do this himself and that buying him a property was a one time thing, not something you’re able to keep doing every time he changes his mind? How old is he? How long as he been in his current flat? Does he expect you to buy him somewhere new every time he decides he wants to move? At some point he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet.

You're going to have to be brutal and just say you will have the loan back, and won't be giving him anything to fund the freehold house. Bank are unlikely to lend him the money, job done.

If the money is (thought of as) yours which was used to help buy a particular property, and that seems likely given the loan is documented as being repayable on sale, then I think you really do just have to say no. You will not be investing your money in a freehold property which needs work miles from where any of you live/work. That is not a good investment for you.

I also have ASD adult children and it's important to recognise they might see situations in a particular way but that doesn't mean you have to go along with everything they want. I would not get too bogged down in the detail of why you don't think it's a good move for your son, just that it's not a good investment for you and you will not be contributing anything towards it - not the original amount which needs to be repaid and certainly not anymore.

It's ok to say no. No matter how old they are your children's love and place in your lives should not be dependent on how much money you give them.

We haven't given it, it's repayable on sale,

Going on that if he sells his current property surely he must pay you back the loan money as agreed.

So how will he fund the next property he wants to buy?

Obviously your ds is unreasonable. Does he understand that moving costs money and there’s no more money available from you? Therefore if he wants to move it needs to be somewhere cheaper to take into account legal costs, stamp duty etc ?
As you suggested in a previous reply, would he respond to the logical route ? The 2.5 hour commute - is that in rush hour traffic ? If it’s public transport, is he used to how crowded and busy it may be (especially with changes, buses/trains being cancelled and delayed etc )? if he wants to move then changing jobs is a must. Are there jobs in these places that he wants to live in ?
Do you often go to his flat to help him out or check on him ? Does he understand that will stop if you are so far away ?

He's done pretty well for someone who was never expected to live independently at all, but hey.

Same loan, IF we agree. Otherwise I wouldn't be asking opinions.

he insists it's freehold or nothing.

that would be a nothing from me then.

I would say to him if he sells the flat, he pays back the loan.

Unless he has access to your online banking he has zero idea how much money you have. You say unaffordable and impractical. He is incredibly lucky to have a parent that can assist so much.

Maybe you can suggest to him that he goes and investigates ALL the associated costs of buying and selling property before he comes tapping you up for more money. He needs to know about removal costs, solicitors fees, stamp duty if applicable- has he got enough money to cover that? Can he afford the extra commuting costs? What about the GFs work?

I understand that you don't just want to say no. Asking questions rather than just giving out answers might get you a better result.

Fortunately or unfortunately he just needs to go online to know how much late GM flat sold for. Spoiler - a lot.

Then going by the opinions on here your DS is being unreasonable, he shouldn't be moving until he's in a position to be able to fully support the move and travel/expenses that go with living in a larger property.

Tell him the money is locked away in anon-accessible investment account or similar, it sounds like he’s pretty clueless financially so I’m sure you can make some excuse. Or even if not, bottom line is you don’t owe him any of YOUR inheritance, he sounds dreadfully entitled if he thinks he should just be given what he wants. Time to cut the apron strings and stand up to him, if you don’t surely you can see you’re just encouraging him to make bad financial decisions because he’ll know there’s no real consequence and you will just bail him out and fund whatever lifestyle he wants.

What is your financial situation like OP?

Can you sit him down and explain that you need x amount for retirement and therefore do not have any more money to give him as you also need to be fair to his DB.

It might be easier to justify why you can't give him the money, rather than exposing the flaws in his plan.

Comfortable but not wealthy. We could give more but there'd be litton. My career took a big hit due to caring responsibilities when he was younger.

It really is the flaws in his plan that bother us, as other posters have said we won't be around forever and longer term it seems very precarious. He's not really asking for more, just to move the loan, but as I said feels like setting him up to fail. He won't see it that way as his view is " I want it therefore all will be fine". He has had setbacks, hasn't been protected from everything despite our appreciation of his difficulties, but doesn't fully learn from them imo

Well there's your answer then. The rest of the money is needed for your retirement, so he can come up with whatever plan he wants, but you can't fund any more.

It sounds as if you are indirectly providing for his GF as well who is living rent free.