To fear living alone

[Selenaso]

I’m late 30s, no partner or kids. I’m at a point financially where I could afford to buy somewhere nice on my own. I have a long-term flatmate who is a bit younger I get on well with, but he is getting serious with his girlfriend and has let me know he’d like me to move out in the next six months. I’ve taken a bit of a look online at other flatshares with one other person, but it’s brought home - depressingly - that I’m generally older than people who are looking, and even assuming they would want me I don’t really want to live with a 30 year old. It feels like buying somewhere on my own would be the logical next step. The thing is I did live alone in a studio flat for a couple of years before this flat share, and really didn’t like it. Despite or maybe because of being an introvert, I found all the time on my own depressing and lonely and I could really feel the effect on my mental health. When I made the decision to change and found this flat share, even though it felt like going backwards in some ways, I felt so much happier and more mentally healthy. I’m worried about going back to the way I felt before, particularly the permanence and commitment and money of buying a home only to find I don’t actually enjoy living in it. I do wonder if having a small house rather than a studio flat, and buying rather than renting so really being able to put down roots, would make it a better experience but tbh I don’t feel confident of that. I also wfh now which I didn’t before, so it would be a lot of time on my own. I don’t want to be a landlady and have a tenant, all the admin, risk and responsibility involved really doesn’t appeal to me. I feel pathetic in the sense that I have friends younger than me who have bought on their own and wfh and seem to cope fine. But I really dread the idea.

Tbh, what I would like to do in some ways is move in with my mum (she raised me solo, we are close and get on well, and she’s said she’d be happy for me to do that). But it would mean moving away from the city where I currently live to somewhere more isolated, and tbh between that and the non-aphrodisiac of living with one’s mum I feel it would be kissing goodbye to any last lingering chance I might have of finding a relationship. But at the same time the luck I’ve had with that has been so shit anyway that the idea of rattling around in a house on my own, lonely, hoping it might happen, when I could be living with someone I love, feels a bit stupid.

I feel like I must BU, because someone of my age is supposed to own their own home and not live with a parent. But there is so much stress and money involved in buying a house that the idea of going through with it all when you’re not even excited about it feels a bit dire. I’m sorry if that sounds obnoxious, I know I am very very lucky to be in a position to buy.

AIBU to have this fear of living alone and what it will do to my mental health? How can I feel excited about it? What should I do?

If you can afford a 2 bed having a lodger is a nice option though. You have a bit more control than a flatshare. 30 is still young to be sharing. Personally I was sharing until 39. There isn't 'loads of administration' with having a lodger as thanks to the government rent a room scheme you don't have to do a tax return. Get a simple lodging contract off the internet. You don't have to give them too much notice if things don't work out a month is totally reasonable and legally it can be less than that.

I do think if you didn't enjoy living alone before then living alone plus working from home will be worse. I also don't think living with your mum is a good idea as you'll feel stuck in the past and have difficulty moving forward in life.

Therefore, you have two remaining options: find a new flat and flatmate or buy somewhere and rent out a room. Buying is usually a good option from a financial and mental health/stability perspective. I know you say you don't want the admin of having a lodger but have you fully looked into what would be required? I believe lodgers are different from tenants in a number of ways that mean the landlady (you) would have more rights and be better protected. I would look into this further if I were you as I think this could be the best option.

And in between lodgers or before you get one, you could have a trial of living alone in your own home and see how you felt about it.

Would your mum be willing to move to where you live and buy somewhere that suits you both? New start for both of you? Equally late 30s is not actually old! You may well meet someone to live with, if that's what you want? Buying somewhere with outside space can be good for mental health. You may discover your inner gardener! Dogs are great companions and good icebreakers when you are out and about. You have lots of options, could be quite an exciting time for you.

Thanks for the reply. I am nearing 39, the point I was making was that when I look for other flatshares, they are with 30 year olds.

Living with your mum could be a good short term option whilst you look for a place to buy. FWIW I did this for a period in my 30s and was amazed by how much it didn’t put men off!

for the long term I agree with others that a lodger would be a good option. I also live alone and have found life far too lonely since wfh as well (post pandemic). But I would not like a flatmate. If you get on well in that setup then a lodger could be a great idea and good way to make a bit of extra money.

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions. I don’t want a lodger, so we can take that off the table of possible options. They are likely to be dating and will sooner or later want to bring a partner round regularly and then move out with them, which will make me feel more lonely, not less. Options are live alone, move in with mum, or find another flat share. I feel like I’m more comfortable with a flatmate having a partner round if it’s their own flat - can’t exactly object to that! I wouldn’t like it in my own place.

Is there somewhere you could get that has a granny flat or you could divide into two. So you can live independently of each other but be together for evenings share meals etc

Is there an option to be working outside the house? I dislike working from home since the pandemic, I really find it bad for my mental health and need to go into the office 3-4 days a week. I am a single parent and therefore my social life is limited which doesn’t help. I am quite extrovert though.
I think a house with a garden would be a different experience than a studio flat. For a start, you are more likely to get to know your neighbours. Plus, you can get out of the house to do the garden (not all year) and people talk to you when they are passing (where I am at least, which is nice). I have lived in a flat before and a house with a garden is less isolating and better for my mental health. If you do meet someone and want somewhere together, you can rent out the house - you can get a letting agency to do the paperwork and inspections etc.

I wouldn't flat share with a stranger again as you'll end up in the same position again in the near future. Maybe sharing with your mum is a good option and likely to be longer term until you might meet someone.

If you could buy a two bed, then you can have a lodger on your own terms. But you could choose the profile of your lodger. - Eg, fixed term Monday to Friday commuter (who would be a bit older and possibly going back to family over the weekend) or an adult at a language school doing business English or a phd student attached to a university etc. Also try to go into the office a bit (even if it's not required). Join a gardening club or yoga club or something, so you have a regular 'get out there' schedule.

What about looking at somewhere with an annex or son you could put on Airbnb or even rent out to a lodger but you’d have a bit more space to yourselves?

Move in with your mum.

I’d rent the kind of house you’d be looking to buy - same type and area - and see how you feel. Buying is expensive and stressful and not easily reversed so I’d try the lifestyle for a year and if it suits you, you can then put in offers as property comes up. Personally I’d not move in with a flatmate or mum as the first choice option, as neither sounds like it’d lead to a more long term solution

You WFH so you have to make an effort to do things in the evening / at weekends with other people. If you have a hobby get out and find like minded people or try new things. Then moving to live on your own will not feel so isolating. I'm also a big fan of having a pet, you'd be surprised how much comfort they bring.

I was going to suggest a couple of cats. A house is never empty with cats and they are easier to look after than dogs as they don’t need walking and you can either take them with you if you go away of get someone to pop round.

Move in with your mum. If you did meet a romantic partner, you can always move out again. Nothing wrong with living with your mum - if you get on, why not? It could be really nice for both of you.

Nothing wrong with living with your mum

See, I 100% agree with this, assuming the reason you are doing it is for company and because you get on, and not because you can’t be bothered to support yourself. But it’s a niche position on MN for sure, and also within wider British society. ‘Living in your mum’s basement’ is a go-to insult on the internet. I do worry about putting off potential partners, and also judgment from friends tbh.

Tbh, I think it’s more of a stigma in society for a man than for a woman (if that’s what you’re worried about, people judging you). I honestly don’t think many potential male dates would bat an eye at this, but if the roles were reversed I’m sure many women would have a problem with a man still living with his mum! Your friends shouldn’t judge if they understand your situation and you’ve explained that you don’t want to live alone etc.

I’ve got several friends without partners or kids who live alone. In one case they, like me, were raised by a solo mum but didn’t have a good relationship with her, and in another they’ve recently lost a parent. So I’m not very comfortable with spelling out to them that living alone feels lonely to me, not least as I’m sure they do sometimes find it lonely but in their cases they don’t really have the option of living with a parent so have just had to make the best of it. I think it’s understandable they might feel judgmental of me for not being tough enough to cope with an occasion they’ve just had to rise to. Honestly I admire them but I’m not quite sure how they do it. One of them works in an office long hours, which I’m sure helps, and tends to fill their weekends with activities, generally doesn’t spend a lot of time at home. The other wfh but is extrovert, very engaged in a hobby and has a strong circle of friends. I know some of those options are available to me also, and I do appreciate the suggestions on this thread. Living alone when I did it did push me out of the house more, and I know that’s a good thing in some ways, but I also remember how hard I found it at times and how sad it sometimes made me, and I just don’t know whether I feel the potential gains are worth the costs. One of those costs though will be judgment from friends, I think that’s just reality. Tbh I’m a bit surprised you suggest people are ok with living with parent/s when it’s a woman, that’s not really been what I’ve observed.

what about a 2bdr and then renting a room through air bnb - you can meet lots of people and also have times where you live on your own.

Can your mum and you buy together a house that is big enough if you find a partner you will still have separate living quarters etc but then will still be there for your mum too

Move in with your mum and take up some
hobbies, more chance of meeting someone and good to get out when you wfh

Have you considered home stay students? My parents did this when I was a teen and it was great we had short term lodges from all over the world, all different ages stayed max of three months Ann’s we had a break when we needed to?

there’s nothing wrong with living with your mum. Could u buy a duplex or adjoining flats?

I would look at houses to buy. Get a feel for it. Even if you buy something move in and then feel it's not for you, you can l them decide to take a lodger or rent it out while you live either way your mum.

Live with your mum. I think it's a fantastic idea and she would be so happy too. As an introvert myself I know that I would struggle living alone, especially with WFH as well. And you never know, you might stumble upon the right person back in your home town when you least expect it.

It feels so counterintuitive doesn’t it to say that you struggle with living alone because you are an introvert. Seems like it should be the opposite. But it actually seems to me that living alone works better for extroverts because they are happy going out regularly to group socials for hobbies etc, stuff that I can do but wouldn’t necessarily love. I prefer meaningful one-on-one contact with someone I really know well and feel comfortable with. But that isn’t always easy to find.