Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To fear living alone

70 replies

Selenaso · 31/03/2024 07:15

I’m late 30s, no partner or kids. I’m at a point financially where I could afford to buy somewhere nice on my own. I have a long-term flatmate who is a bit younger I get on well with, but he is getting serious with his girlfriend and has let me know he’d like me to move out in the next six months. I’ve taken a bit of a look online at other flatshares with one other person, but it’s brought home - depressingly - that I’m generally older than people who are looking, and even assuming they would want me I don’t really want to live with a 30 year old. It feels like buying somewhere on my own would be the logical next step. The thing is I did live alone in a studio flat for a couple of years before this flat share, and really didn’t like it. Despite or maybe because of being an introvert, I found all the time on my own depressing and lonely and I could really feel the effect on my mental health. When I made the decision to change and found this flat share, even though it felt like going backwards in some ways, I felt so much happier and more mentally healthy. I’m worried about going back to the way I felt before, particularly the permanence and commitment and money of buying a home only to find I don’t actually enjoy living in it. I do wonder if having a small house rather than a studio flat, and buying rather than renting so really being able to put down roots, would make it a better experience but tbh I don’t feel confident of that. I also wfh now which I didn’t before, so it would be a lot of time on my own. I don’t want to be a landlady and have a tenant, all the admin, risk and responsibility involved really doesn’t appeal to me. I feel pathetic in the sense that I have friends younger than me who have bought on their own and wfh and seem to cope fine. But I really dread the idea.

Tbh, what I would like to do in some ways is move in with my mum (she raised me solo, we are close and get on well, and she’s said she’d be happy for me to do that). But it would mean moving away from the city where I currently live to somewhere more isolated, and tbh between that and the non-aphrodisiac of living with one’s mum I feel it would be kissing goodbye to any last lingering chance I might have of finding a relationship. But at the same time the luck I’ve had with that has been so shit anyway that the idea of rattling around in a house on my own, lonely, hoping it might happen, when I could be living with someone I love, feels a bit stupid.

I feel like I must BU, because someone of my age is supposed to own their own home and not live with a parent. But there is so much stress and money involved in buying a house that the idea of going through with it all when you’re not even excited about it feels a bit dire. I’m sorry if that sounds obnoxious, I know I am very very lucky to be in a position to buy.

AIBU to have this fear of living alone and what it will do to my mental health? How can I feel excited about it? What should I do?

OP posts:
LiterallyOnFire · 01/04/2024 08:30

There are definitely 40+ lodgers out there. Generation aren't are ageing.

BMW6 · 01/04/2024 08:32

I'm only concerned that if you go and live with Mum you're going to be in a really bad place when she dies. You're going to be alone then, older and more entrenched in your aversion to living alone.

Most of us end up alone. I think better to get used to it as young as possible.

Whu · 01/04/2024 08:36

Not to sound flippant, but have you considered a pet?
working from home puts you in a good place for looking after one and they are excellent company.

mondaytosunday · 01/04/2024 08:57

I'd buy a place and get two cats! They are great and it really makes you feel good coming home to animals.
Also there's probably a way to get an older lodger, if you want that. You would have to advertise in the appropriate place (I don't know where, but you could do some research).

AquaBee · 01/04/2024 09:10

The thing is most people don’t end up alone , some are with partners of different kinds for the rest of their days . When they end up alone, they immediately seek to find someone else to live with/share life with. There’s nothing wrong in wanting and needing company. Often the people who say you should be happy living alone are the ones with steady partners or families.
If OP wasn’t happy living alone before that isn’t going to change now. I have a cousin who openly says she could never live alone as it is too isolating. Don’t feel ashamed of doing what’s best for you OP

ScroogeMcDuckling · 01/04/2024 09:11

i don’t know how much u can afford to buy, but a work colleague has bought a three bedroom, two reception room property, with a huge kitchen diner.

She is in the front reception room downstairs, she has rented out two of the three bedrooms upstairs to more mature lodgers, and the kitchen/diner now has a sofa in it so it’s the living room. This room is 30x12.

she has a modest third bedroom, good sized second reception, cellar, loft, garden and double garage.

She loves being ‘Rigsby’ the money is handy, and there are alot more people out there who are older and don’t want to live alone.

Good luck, buy the biggest you can afford, and enjoy and embrace your new life.

PS I have lodgers, they pay directly into my bank account every Friday, I really don’t wish to discuss money, and I don’t want them to have to discuss money either.

LipstickLil · 01/04/2024 09:12

If you don't want to live alone, then don't. I think I'd seriously look for another flat-share before you do either of the other options. When I was in my 20s I shared a beautiful house with two women in their 30s. I suppose I was the annoying younger flat-mate in that scenario who had various boyfriends over, but there must be flat or house-owning 30 and 40-somethings looking for a lodger (you) in this CoL crisis, surely?

SherbetDips · 01/04/2024 09:24

Living alone is bliss! Honesty do it. I

EmpressaurusOfTheScathingTinsel · 01/04/2024 09:36

SherbetDips · 01/04/2024 09:24

Living alone is bliss! Honesty do it. I

Well, it is, but I can recognise that it’s not bliss for everyone - like @AquaBee‘s friends who apparently rush to find someone else to live with. That’s completely incomprehensible to me but clearly works for them.

@Selenaso, if you report your OP to MNHQ they might let you add a sentence in bold at the top saying NO LODGERS.

bohemianmullet · 01/04/2024 12:42

As a lot of people have said, there's nothing wrong with moving in with your mum and from your answers to this thread it seems like you are putting up barriers to other suggestions and wanting to do this. But reading your first post very carefully, I would think very carefully if you are really going to go down this line.

You say it would mean moving away from where there is more people and to a much more isolated place. You say it's two hours from your work and friends. You say you are an introvert. You say you would like a relationship maybe in the future? You say you have got depressed in the past when you lived on your own.

As others have said you do sound quite anxious and avoidant. I'm very sympathetic to this. I can be the same. But the idea of moving somewhere isolated with no going into work, no access to friends and no opportunity to meet new people, so that you can move back home, does strike me as putting all your eggs into one basket. Your mum will basically be your social life. It's really lovely you are close and that she's so supportive of you. But what will motivate you to make those social contacts which as a person who does get lonely, will stop you feeling this?

You are adament against renting out. But what you don't answer is about the suggestions of not working from home. So many people make social contacts through their work and it can be more natural that you make friends this way as it isn't something you have to force yourself to do, like going out for an activity.

Is working from home something imposed by your work or is it your choice? If it's your choice I might have a serious think about whether you are withdrawing slightly maybe through anxiety. If this is the case, it's really worth trying to counteract earlier rather than go into it further as you could end up with your world getting smaller, which isn't good for mental health.

I wonder if another approach might be an idea. What about suspending the decision for a year and thinking for this year you're going to try something and go into a much larger flatshare. I have done this before when I moved to a new area. It's not the way I wanted to live permanently but for a temporary period of time it was good and provided a base and company. If you think you are doing something for a temporary time you don't have to feel trapped or stressed. A bit like doing a course for a while. In fact a flatshare with mature students or something like that might be ideal as it's a set of people who also will be wanting to get some work done. I'd also look into working in the office for this time or, as others have suggested, maybe looking into hotdesking or shared workplaces to have a routine, get out the house and make some low social level contacts and interactions, which is supposed to be very good for us all.

I'd also look into trying some evening classes in something that really interested me to broaden out interests, learn a bit and make a few social contacts hopefully in subjects that interested me.

At the end of the year I'd review the situation.

The danger of moving back in with your mother is, as you outline, it will be a lot harder and you will have a lot less motivation to create new social contacts or maintain old ones due to distance. You won't have access to classes or interest groups as she lives in a much more isolated place which is 2 hrs from those things. You will also be committing yourself to working from home I presume, as it is far from other jobs, places of work where you can go in.

The option of moving in with her in the future remains if you want to, so you're not burning any bridges by trying a different approach for a bit. I would definitely look at the working not from home if you can as a first step and as a flatshare is one of your options, I'd go for that, but with maybe a few flatmates rather than just one, for a year. Good luck whatever you decide OP!

Selenaso · 01/04/2024 16:46

Loulou599 · 01/04/2024 07:20

If you live with your mother as a way of solving your unresolved issues, one day the inevitable will happen and you will be in your 50s or 60s and incapable of living alone.
Is the plan to live with your mother until you find a husband?

Oh do tell, what are my unresolved issues?

Presumably you also tell married women that if they insist on living with their husbands, one day the inevitable will happen and they will be in their 50s or 60s and incapable of living alone? Which will be tricky if their husbands die first, as men have a tendency to do.

Sooner or later we may well all need to live alone, yes. I’m not convinced it’s an argument for doing so when it’s not actually necessary.

OP posts:
Selenaso · 01/04/2024 17:12

BronzeAge · 01/04/2024 08:27

I agree with @BethDawn — you seem focused on avoiding anxiety at all costs, but it’s limiting you from doing things that would be beneficial to you. I think you need to find ways of working through that anxiety, and that moving in with your mother would be a very bad idea.

I appreciate everyone is trying to be helpful, and thank you for the replies and some helpful suggestions, which I am reading with interest. ‘You seem focused on avoiding anxiety at all costs’ is quite a large extrapolation from what I’ve said, and I don’t think you’d say it to anyone who was contemplating moving in with a partner because they preferred that to living alone, i.e. most people. I mean this respectfully, but it’s not really appropriate - or correct - to make grand psychological diagnoses about the rest of my life from the limited information and specific issue I’ve brought up here.

Cue twenty more posts telling me I need to live alone to cure my anxiety, oh and get a lodger… 😉

OP posts:
Selenaso · 01/04/2024 17:15

Btw to answer whoever mentioned it upthread - no I haven’t definitely decided on moving in with mum, and I’m taking on board all the helpful suggestions re how to make living alone better: get a pet, find a co-working space, make your place as nice as possible, etc. Thanks for these.

OP posts:
DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 01/04/2024 17:15

Many people fear living alone being alone, especially as they get older and lose their OH

Live with mum if you two get on - if possible, an annex type place is the best bet in order not to start falling out and having independence and companionship as and when required.

Lifestooshort71 · 01/04/2024 17:16

My sister decided to move 300 miles back with mum when she was 48 for similar but not identical reasons. Mum was delighted and didn't mind when my sister said that she would prefer to buy her own house that my mum would move into rather than 'go back to the family home'. It worked extremely well, they both had company when they wanted it, my mum paid half the bills and a bit on top and my sister was able to say 'my mum lives with me' rather than the other way round. She did, of course, become her carer eventually but it suited them both. Please don't totally dismiss living with your mother.

cestlavielife · 01/04/2024 17:18

Look for intentional living community or co housing

https://cohousing.org.uk/

Home - UK Cohousing Network

test

https://cohousing.org.uk

Winterjoy · 01/04/2024 17:33

Selenaso · 01/04/2024 05:57

It feels so counterintuitive doesn’t it to say that you struggle with living alone because you are an introvert. Seems like it should be the opposite. But it actually seems to me that living alone works better for extroverts because they are happy going out regularly to group socials for hobbies etc, stuff that I can do but wouldn’t necessarily love. I prefer meaningful one-on-one contact with someone I really know well and feel comfortable with. But that isn’t always easy to find.

"I prefer meaningful one-on-one contact with someone I really know well and feel comfortable with."

This stands out to me - it sounds like you are looking for a friend above all else? I think you need to be careful with relying on a flatmate to fulfill this need. When I am a joint tenant I take the approach that we are two individuals with separate lives, that just happen to live under the same roof. I don't want to be best mates with the other tenant, sit down to eat together, spend time chatting etc (I actively avoid these scenarios!). It sounds like you might have got lucky with your current co-tenant if they have taken more of a 'friendship' type role - a future one might not be willing/able to do this.

Finlesswonder · 01/04/2024 18:47

Fucking hell, spiky much! Live with your mum then, you don't need anyone's permission

RokaandRoll · 01/04/2024 19:39

I think you should read the book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" and I also think you should probably get therapy (no shame in it). I'm not going to make sweeping psychological generalisations about you but I do think making a fear-based decision on your living situation isn't necessarily going to lead to the best outcome.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page