To fear living alone

[Selenaso]

I’m late 30s, no partner or kids. I’m at a point financially where I could afford to buy somewhere nice on my own. I have a long-term flatmate who is a bit younger I get on well with, but he is getting serious with his girlfriend and has let me know he’d like me to move out in the next six months. I’ve taken a bit of a look online at other flatshares with one other person, but it’s brought home - depressingly - that I’m generally older than people who are looking, and even assuming they would want me I don’t really want to live with a 30 year old. It feels like buying somewhere on my own would be the logical next step. The thing is I did live alone in a studio flat for a couple of years before this flat share, and really didn’t like it. Despite or maybe because of being an introvert, I found all the time on my own depressing and lonely and I could really feel the effect on my mental health. When I made the decision to change and found this flat share, even though it felt like going backwards in some ways, I felt so much happier and more mentally healthy. I’m worried about going back to the way I felt before, particularly the permanence and commitment and money of buying a home only to find I don’t actually enjoy living in it. I do wonder if having a small house rather than a studio flat, and buying rather than renting so really being able to put down roots, would make it a better experience but tbh I don’t feel confident of that. I also wfh now which I didn’t before, so it would be a lot of time on my own. I don’t want to be a landlady and have a tenant, all the admin, risk and responsibility involved really doesn’t appeal to me. I feel pathetic in the sense that I have friends younger than me who have bought on their own and wfh and seem to cope fine. But I really dread the idea.

Tbh, what I would like to do in some ways is move in with my mum (she raised me solo, we are close and get on well, and she’s said she’d be happy for me to do that). But it would mean moving away from the city where I currently live to somewhere more isolated, and tbh between that and the non-aphrodisiac of living with one’s mum I feel it would be kissing goodbye to any last lingering chance I might have of finding a relationship. But at the same time the luck I’ve had with that has been so shit anyway that the idea of rattling around in a house on my own, lonely, hoping it might happen, when I could be living with someone I love, feels a bit stupid.

I feel like I must BU, because someone of my age is supposed to own their own home and not live with a parent. But there is so much stress and money involved in buying a house that the idea of going through with it all when you’re not even excited about it feels a bit dire. I’m sorry if that sounds obnoxious, I know I am very very lucky to be in a position to buy.

AIBU to have this fear of living alone and what it will do to my mental health? How can I feel excited about it? What should I do?

Have you tried putting an advert on one of the flatshare websites saying you are looking for a late 30s/40s/50s person (whatever age range you think might work) to find a flatshare with? I would be surprised if you are the only person in your situation; there might be someone else looking.

As for worrying that a future flatsharer will find a partner and leave the arrangement, that is a risk whether you are in a joint flatshare or an owner with a lodger. Financially I would have thought owning is a better bet but if you don’t fancy having a lodger that rather takes that off the table.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with living with your mum if that suits you both.

Aside from a brief flatshare about 40 years ago, I've always lived alone since leaving family home at 16. Love it, and on the couple of occasions I've invited someone to stay when they were between rentals, I found that difficult and a huge relief when they each moved on. It was in a one bed with a sofa bed though, so space issues.
That said, I did find WFH extremely difficult, and fortunately only had to do it for about four months - that was in the first lockdown, though, so the isolation was extreme.

I now rent a hot desk office ten days a month.
I'm currently in a hybrid role, so I work half my time in the office, half at my hot desk place, which I love, five minutes walk from home and a great community space. So that's the solution for me; expensive-ish, although my hot desk rental is probably less than others spend on travel (I live very centrally), and no mortgage.
I deliberately didn't look at any fully remote jobs - living alone and hot desking if you can find a low cost option, could be an option.

How far away does your mum live OP? Would this make it more difficult to meet up with your friends?

So I’m not very comfortable with spelling out to them that living alone feels lonely to me, not least as I’m sure they do sometimes find it lonely but in their cases they don’t really have the option of living with a parent so have just had to make the best of it.

Are you sure that’s how they feel? I’m an introvert who socialises a lot with friends & family, but lives alone because that’s how I recharge & I simply couldn’t handle sharing my home with anyone except cats. Anyone at all.

It’s a couple of hours door to door. So yes, it would make it more difficult. Having said that, a number of my friends are now ensconced in relationships, small child raising etc, so they’re quite a bit less available than they were anyway.

Get a lodger, or get a one bed and go to a coworking space to work.
Is there something else going on here, for example are you actually scared of being in a house alone at night, or something?

Because it sounds nice and cosy, moving back with your mum, but in reality this is a very bad life choice IMO. Just wondering if there's more to this situation than your OP suggests

Thanks for your reply. As mentioned twice upthread, I don’t want a lodger and won’t be getting one. Assuming I wasn’t in a dodgy area then I’m not especially afraid of being in a house alone at night, no.

OK. Well it sounds like you've made your decision.

But, as oft quoted here OP, stop caring about other people’s judgements. Do what makes you feel peaceful and happy.

I have made my decision about not getting a lodger yep. As mentioned upthread choices are buy alone, move in with mum or find another flat share where I am the tenant. Thanks for all the posts offering helpful thoughts about those options.

I'd buy alone and find somewhere to work, lots of shared office spaces going

If you bought your own place, there would be nothing stopping you going to stay at your mums for however long, or her coming to your place for however long. Would she do that? Might be good for both of you? But you would still have the feeling of moving forward in life and owning your own property (as this sounds important to you at this stage of your life).

I have no useful advice but just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone in not wanting to live alone! I always tell my DH that if he dies first, I'm getting another widow to move in with me!!

In your case I can see the difficulty in wanting to do what feels best to you versus what is deemed "normal" societally. If you lived with your mum, it wouldn't be because you are having a protracted childhood, it'd be for some companionship.

If you live with your mother as a way of solving your unresolved issues, one day the inevitable will happen and you will be in your 50s or 60s and incapable of living alone.
Is the plan to live with your mother until you find a husband?

One of my kids is a similar age and has a small 2 bed house, it's new build with a lovely garden. She grows fruit and veg and has made her home absolutely perfect. I wonder if that might suit the bill for you?

Honestly, I'd bite the bullet and try living alone. I would try and add to your life - hobbies, volunteering, going out, maybe dating- so that you enjoy the peace and quiet when you are at home.

I’m struck by how you feel anxious and want to avoid the stress of all the possible solutions to your problems. I think you need to work on being able to cope with anxiety, so that it doesn’t prevent you from doing things that benefit you/ you enjoy.

Firstly, you are not off to find WFH bad for your MH. MH problems have soared in working age younger people, which is thought to be due to the increase in WFH. I am quite introverted and hate it. It’s made my social anxiety worse. Turns out that being around other people, and having positive interactions with them, actually managed my anxiety. Humans are social creatures and it’s not surprising that isolation affects us badly.

Secondly, living with your mum is not the solution. Eventually she will die, and you will be older, in the same situation but worse. Don’t do this.

You need to implement long term solutions to the isolation of your life, and that will mean coping with the anxiety that implementing these will cause you. Getting a lodger is a good idea, though you need more as lodgers come and go and you don’t know how well you will get on with them. You may have a lodger who keeps themself to themself, for example. So build in social connection in other parts of your life. Join a weekly class or hobby group. Weekly is good as connections are made through regular contact and chats. Maybe consider getting a hybrid job so you have social contact through your work.

Your current situation has revealed a weak spot in your life that you need to find a long term sustainable solution for. And you need to be prepared to go through discomfort to do so.

I've no idea what the costs are so it might not be viable, but have you looked at options for co-working spaces rather than WFH full time? I didn't realise how much I got out of being around others at work until I forced myself back into our shared office!

That's separate to your living situation, but it's nice to have an option for more sociable days for work (and they often run socials etc to expand your network). For what it's worth, I think the stigma of living at home as an adult is more around perpetual man-children who often don't move out as they still want mummy to cook and clean for them. Not two adults choosing to cohabit because they enjoy each others company and its practical. Life's too short, do what makes you happy!

Buy the house, try living alone. If you hate it, move in with your mum/move to flat share and rent the place out.

I have loads of single 40+ friends and 2 of them live with a parent while the rest live alone very happily. I’ve not thought anything negative about them living with a parent, if anything I thought it’s really sweet. It’s so easy to live with a parent you get on with, why not? I certainly wouldn’t NOT do it out of fear of judgement.

However, I think living alone AND being WFH is pretty solitary though so I get what you’re saying. Do you have the option to go to an office/Co working space? A pet definitely helps with loneliness too.

As an aside FWIW I only met my husband at 41 and loved living alone prior to that so regardless of living with mum/flat share/alone it can happen any time.

Excellent advice.

I would also add that you can rent a room just Monday to Friday - a friend of mine does that - long term lodger but weekdays only for those that travel for work - or even less if they just need to be in the office a couple of days a week. There is a website she advertises on.

Just live with your mum.
Life's far too short to be lived worrying about what others may or may not think about it.

People are too caught up in how they are viewed.
Go and live with your mum. People will judge anything no matter what you do. Please yourself only, you are the only one living your life, don’t concern yourself with the opinions of others

I think you'd feel less isolated in a house than a flat as a pp said, you'll have neighbours (nice ones hopefully), you'll be able to get out in the garden and potter about.
Think about the achievement of buying your own house, decorating it in your own style, choosing furniture & pottering around the shops buying plants for the garden.
This may not suit you but as you wfh have you considered a pet, I've always had cats, I never felt totally alone when I came home to my cat, it's something else in the house, something to focus on and look after, I sound like a mad cat lady but I love cats!
I've now got my dms ddog as dm passed away, I meet and speak to loads of people when I'm out with ddog.
My vote is to move forward and buy a house, don't go backwards to a flatshare or moving in with your DM.
Give it a try before you completely write it off, you may surprise yourself and enjoy living alone (with a cat😁) in your own space.

Buy a small house.
Try solo living.
If you really don’t like it, move in with your mum and rent the house out. At least you will have an investment (and somewhere to go back to if your arrangement with your mum doesn’t work out long term)

I agree with @BethDawn — you seem focused on avoiding anxiety at all costs, but it’s limiting you from doing things that would be beneficial to you. I think you need to find ways of working through that anxiety, and that moving in with your mother would be a very bad idea.