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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To also need a weekend off

87 replies

Nosleeptheo · 30/03/2024 19:29

I want to know if I'm the ah. Dp told me on Thursday he's having a weekend off from doing anything for the kids and is doing what he wants.

Back story

2 dc aged 5 and 18mths. Dp is a sahd and i work full time in a new field so learning what to do etc. I wfh. Usually our days are 5.30 till 7.30 I get up with the kids and get everything ready for school / school run. This is getting kids breakfast, getting them dressed and for 2 days youngest ready for nursery. I start work at 7.30 then at 8 nip down to say bye to oldest dp has the kids until I finish at 3.30 (does the school run if oldest isn't in after school club) I then come down and deal with the kids cook tea, bath kids and he puts youngest to bed (he goes to sleep quicker for him) we then put oldest to bed at 7.30. At that point I go to bed or watch something before going to bed myself. Any days off I book I make sure I take over duties as the parent in charge.

This weekend has pissed me off because instead of doing stuff together and letting each other has breaks it's all be left to me. Oldest was begging for his dad's attention yesterday for help in a game they play together (I'm useless at it so he doesn't want me to help). This is all going on until Tuesday when back to normal.

Aibu to book a few days off work in the come up weeks and say I'm having a few days off and just leave him to pick up the normal routine.

I get he needs days off and the kids are full on but we are both lucky to not have the children 1 weekend a month when they go to my dads.

He keeps saying this is how I feel if I mention that I'm tired but I feel like yes you get a break most evenings where I finish work and then deal with kids and life stuff where is my break

OP posts:
Hotdogity · 31/03/2024 10:27

ParsonsPont · 31/03/2024 10:21

I hate the double standards that are prevalent throughout Mumsnet, and trying to imagine what I would say if the roles were reversed, and even I’m struggling to see what he’s doing as ok.

I’m currently on mat leave with a toddler and baby - during the week, I do practically everything with DH taking over most things on weekends. But you’re doing everything and are the parent that’s working. What benefit does your family have with him being a SAHD? I guess your toddler is only at nursery part time and having two children means you can’t truly relax, but what else does he do?

That said, parenting young children is hard and non stop, so I do get that he wants a break from everyone. However, completely unreasonable on his part to say you shouldn’t get time off.

I should admit too that, even though I have the same high pressured City job as DH, so I know that you don’t really get a decent break at work, I do often sometimes see his work time as a break away from being a parent, which is a 24/7 role so I can understand his POV that being at work is a break.

it isn’t a double standard. You being a SAHM is a decision you have made as a couple. Here the OP wants her husband to go back to work, she doesn’t want to keep financially supporting him. Being a SAHP has to be a choice you are both onboard with- you partner is onboard, therefore the situations are completely different

saveforthat · 31/03/2024 10:29

Tonkerbea · 30/03/2024 20:22

I'd find it hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't treat it like a team sport, everyone making an effort and trying to support each other (this can be with house/ kid/ job tasks, they're all important)

Yes this. I am also always amazed at how many couples argue about getting a break from their own children. We are "lucky' because they go to GPs e.g. Anyone would think children were forced upon them and something to be avoided. Children are hard work, why on earth do uiu get up and do the morning stuff if he is a SAHD?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/03/2024 10:33

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/03/2024 20:00

How many SAHM's have husbands who get up with the kids, do all of the morning stuff, finish work as early as 3:30 and then cooks dinner and baths the kids?

Show quote history

This! People are always so quick to call “oh you wouldn’t be sympathetic to a man” etc and they’re never comparing like with like.

This guys seems to have fallen on his feet! He claims to be a SAHD but the youngest is in nursery two days, older one goes to asc (why on earth?) and he’s got you running round doing everything outside of school hours. Sounds like he hardly does anything to have a break from!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/03/2024 10:34

Anyway, if people need a break, a day each and then two days as a family sounds best. Your day coming first to make sure you get one, and so that how your day goes dictates how his goes.

ParsonsPont · 31/03/2024 11:10

Hotdogity · 31/03/2024 10:27

it isn’t a double standard. You being a SAHM is a decision you have made as a couple. Here the OP wants her husband to go back to work, she doesn’t want to keep financially supporting him. Being a SAHP has to be a choice you are both onboard with- you partner is onboard, therefore the situations are completely different

Show quote history

I mean my post says all of that…

Sparkleandshine231 · 31/03/2024 11:21

concernedchild · 30/03/2024 19:50

If this was the other way around, everyone would be falling at their feet to say that the mum would need a break, how dare the husband suggest she doesn't get one!

Of course, OP, you are entitled to a break. But if he stays home with them during the week, so is he.

How about when they go to your parents one weekend you hire a cleaner to sort your house out then bugger off on a weekend away, so you both get time to relax?

Agree with this.

Yellowroseblooms · 31/03/2024 11:48

You need legal advice. Where would he take them? Has he got parents he could move in with and take the children there? Frankly, I don't think he is up for all the hard grind of childcare. It's all very well having fun with children but keeping them warm, fed, getting them to school and living in a place not resembling a tip is a lot harder than having "fun" with them. Anyway, it's not as if you want to prevent him from seeing them on a regular basis. And what @LadyBird1973 said. But the bottom line is you must find out what legal rights you have before you do anything at all. Do not give the him any notice or the slightest indication that you are making plans and seeking legal advice. At least you're not married to him.

MissTrip82 · 31/03/2024 12:38

concernedchild · 30/03/2024 19:50

If this was the other way around, everyone would be falling at their feet to say that the mum would need a break, how dare the husband suggest she doesn't get one!

Of course, OP, you are entitled to a break. But if he stays home with them during the week, so is he.

How about when they go to your parents one weekend you hire a cleaner to sort your house out then bugger off on a weekend away, so you both get time to relax?

You can recall threads in which the SAHM had two days child free and the working parent did the bulk of the housework, made the dinner and got the kids ready in the morning? Really? You’ve seen lots of those threads where things are ‘the other way round’ to this setup?

meganorks · 31/03/2024 13:25

I've read your last update, and honestly I think you have bigger issues than this weekend (obviously he is being a complete dick about that!). But saying that you would leave him if it wasn't for the kids. And you don't because he threatens to take them. It's heartbreaking. I cant imagine being with someone who would say that. I honestly think you should get some legal advice because I don't for a second think that would be allowed. You are doing the bulk of the parenting and housekeeping and working full time. Meanwhile is moaning about having to parent 1 child 3 days a week (in school hours). He's threatening to take the kids, but clearly he couldn't. You are pretty much a single parent as it is. You would be better off without him really.

I think you need to sit him down and spell out how much you do and tell him he needs to get back in work. Or just kick him out. He's absolutely taking the piss!

LadyBird1973 · 31/03/2024 14:11

FWIW I absolutely would not be saying differently if the sexes were reversed.

hottchocolate · 31/03/2024 15:18

You are both entitled to time off.

My DH does this sometimes. Decides he's having the day off or going to bed or going out or having a bath and ignoring the fact we have a toddler and there is cooking, cleaning etc to do. Pointing out it was unfair didn't work so I made it fair by doing the same. If he can just announce he's going out or having a bath then so can I and that's what I do. If he objects I point out that he does the same but I have found he seems to get it now and I think that works if you are both able to do your own thing.

Allonthesametrain · 31/03/2024 18:49

Sounds like he gets a lot more free time than you and clearly doesn't want to work either. Yes book a few days off for yourself and bugger off for some quality me time. And wow having a free weekend is indeed wonderful and you deserve it. Xx

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