To also need a weekend off

[Nosleeptheo]

I want to know if I'm the ah. Dp told me on Thursday he's having a weekend off from doing anything for the kids and is doing what he wants.

Back story

2 dc aged 5 and 18mths. Dp is a sahd and i work full time in a new field so learning what to do etc. I wfh. Usually our days are 5.30 till 7.30 I get up with the kids and get everything ready for school / school run. This is getting kids breakfast, getting them dressed and for 2 days youngest ready for nursery. I start work at 7.30 then at 8 nip down to say bye to oldest dp has the kids until I finish at 3.30 (does the school run if oldest isn't in after school club) I then come down and deal with the kids cook tea, bath kids and he puts youngest to bed (he goes to sleep quicker for him) we then put oldest to bed at 7.30. At that point I go to bed or watch something before going to bed myself. Any days off I book I make sure I take over duties as the parent in charge.

This weekend has pissed me off because instead of doing stuff together and letting each other has breaks it's all be left to me. Oldest was begging for his dad's attention yesterday for help in a game they play together (I'm useless at it so he doesn't want me to help). This is all going on until Tuesday when back to normal.

Aibu to book a few days off work in the come up weeks and say I'm having a few days off and just leave him to pick up the normal routine.

I get he needs days off and the kids are full on but we are both lucky to not have the children 1 weekend a month when they go to my dads.

He keeps saying this is how I feel if I mention that I'm tired but I feel like yes you get a break most evenings where I finish work and then deal with kids and life stuff where is my break

Sorry but he sounds more unemployed than a SAHD

I'm afraid he needs to go back to work. If you are still doing a lot of the childcare and life admin despite him being at home he's not a SAHP.

So essentially your waking hours are 5.30am to 7.30pm (ish) and within that time you do:

5.30am -7.30am prep for the children, wake children, feed and dress children

7.30am-3.30pm your full time job (quick 8am pop down to say bye).......do you stop for lunch or just work through?

3.30pm -7.30pm take over child care, sort kids tea, get kids bathed, get kids ready for bed, put eldest to sleep around 7.30pm

7.30pm- 8pm ish maybe watch something on TV

So in your entire waking day you have maybe half an hour available to you if down time after the eldest is asleep, maybe your lunch break.....what do you do with your lunch break? Or do you work through?

What does your husband do?

What time does he get up?

7.30-8am he has fully dressed kids to finish off and then he takes them to school/nursery 2 days a week (at which point he comes home and does a little bit of surface sorting and.....????)

On the three non nursery days he brings the 18 month old home with him and entertains him until 3.30pm (is the 18 month old still napping, for how long? What does he do during nap time? Chill?). At 3.30 he then hands all responsibility to you for the children until he puts the youngest to bed (so what does he do from 3.30 to 6.30pm?!

And let's say eldest of down by 7.30pm, what time does he go to sleep? So he has time there.

It sounds like your entire waking day is spoken for bar the 30mins after eldest goes down.

Sounds like he has a cushy life .. no wonder he doesn't want to go back to work!

Stick youngest into full time nursery for 6 months so he can't claim to be primary career and then LT lazy B!!

Sounds like your DH has a pretty easy ride as a SAHD. No wonder he doesn’t want to give it up. You should have roughly equal leisure time and he should do the majority of the housework and child mental load!

Most SAHM with 18m olds don’t have 2 full days of nursery, nor their DH doing the early mornings every day nor dealing with the kids and bedtime and dinner etc every day. I hope he’s getting a lot of the house jobs done on the nursery days like shopping and cleaning.

I was a SAHM and workload seemed pretty normal in my group of friends. DH was out from around 8am-6/7pm daily. I did all cooking and cleaning and we split the early mornings and he always did his share of bath and bedtime when he was home in time. Mine did 2 mornings a week of preschool from 2 ish cos we could afford it, but lots didn’t, and then that built up to school hours by age 6 (not in Uk so start school later). He’d usually take the kids out for a morning or so on a weekend so I could chill and we had one weekend lie in each.

I mean it was hard being with the kids all the time, but so is working full time too. You both need downtime and if he’s not stepping up to his SAHD role he should look for paid work so your household can be more balanced.

I'd find it hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't treat it like a team sport, everyone making an effort and trying to support each other (this can be with house/ kid/ job tasks, they're all important)

If your youngest is in nursery 2 days per week, surely he has those days for a 'break' or to do as he pleases? He sounds awful.

I work part time, husband full time, any of his days off he still takes charge on parenting as he says he feels it's important that I have a little rest. I may be part time but I don't get time alone, ever. I'm either working or with my 1 yr old whilst older children are at school.

He's a lazy selfish bastard.

He needs to get back to work, otherwise when you get divorced he may be classed as main carer and you'll have to pay him.

And he doesn't care about you or respect you either. What a fuckwit.

You are doing everything - what's the point of him???

Thus!

He's a cocklodger

This. Good idea to both look at each day and what you do. Might shame him into realising what a lazy git he is.

I think he's taking the absolute piss out of you tbh. I'm a sahm and when my dc were tiny I expected my husband to help me, but I didn't expect him to do everything for the kids in the morning before doing a day's work!
Your lazy arse husband is doing the bare minimum imo - that's not a sahp arrangement, that's a 'you doing the majority while he behaves like a cocklodger' situation.
I stop doing all the pre school stuff for a start. Tell him to either get a paid job or treat sah as a job, but you aren't willing to tolerate his half arsed efforts any longer.

Lie ins and days off should be taken in turns, not one person declaring they are doing fuck all and the other having to suck it up!

Book two days off work. Tell your DH that you're on a conference. Stay at a hotel and relax.

This is what I say but when ever I say I need a break his response is you get a break while at work which in his eyes I sit at a computer while he is dealing with kids in my eyes I'm also doing somthing and learning a brand new skill set

Wow full proof men will always think they are superior regardless of which role they have

Your husband is NOT a SAHD, he is unemployed.
From what you have written, you do most of the leg work, getting them ready/cooking dinner as well as working full time.
Your husband just does the school run?!

So what does he actually do he needs a break from

and no you don’t get to just stop parenting

He needs to go back to work. Then you can both use the extra money to enjoy that weekend a month you have child free! (I’m not jealous at all I promise)

OP he's not a SAHP because you're doing everything! He's lazy, and it doesn't sound like he really wants to change.

I'm a SAHP to three DC. My DH works full days, long hours, 3 days out of the house and 2 at home.

I do everything in the week. Getting the kids ready and to school, all housework, shopping, cooking, little bits of DIY and painting, overseeing a bathroom renovation currently, booking holidays and days out, admin, buying presents and family birthday cards, after school activities, homework, seeing to the kids after school until their bedtime. Obviously I have the kids during school holidays, and I volunteer for a charity which I do for me. I also have 'time off' when I go to the gym, sometimes a day or night away at the weekend.

I think that's what most SAHP would expect, it's only fair. We appreciate each other and it's worked well for us for 11 years. I'm sure you want to spend time with your kids, but you are doing too much and letting him get away with too doing little.

Yes, you are entitled to a weekend off.
Also stop getting up at 5.30 every morning. At least for the 2 days the youngest is in nursery just get up at 7, have your own breakfast and start work. Let your husband do the mornings. That's part of the SAHD description.

Two afternoons go out or do something else after finishing work. Go to the gym or for a walk. If oldest is at afterschool could you walk there, collect and walk home? Anything to add a bit more variety and time for yourself into your days, and put him in the position of having to up his game. He should be prepping dinner as well, now that I think of it.
I bet once he has to actually do more than a simple school run and entertaining your 18mth old 3 days a week he will be delighted to go back to work and have toddler in nursery.
Oh, and I bet he won't be finishing at 3.30 and running down to cook dinner!!!! But you can remind him of this on the weekends that you want a break that he now gets a break all week when he goes to work -.just like he told you.

OP
Who decided on 2 kids?
Did you both not think about the management of the two kids?

You’re working and he’s not, so he should at least be sorting the kids in the morning. It doesn’t make sense for you to be doing that, unless you were dropping them off on your way to work, which you aren’t. He needs to step up and stop taking you for granted.

He’s a lazy bastard. I feel sorry for you, OP. You’ve somehow been led to believe that your husband is a SAHD. He’s just a cock lodger who does the school runs.

And do all the more than basic cleaning and tidying?
id be a sahm if my Dh would do that!! I’d never need a break as I’d get it every single day!

I too would stop doing mornings for him or finishing up early, I’d take a walk instead. Then I might need the break he won’t give me less! He needs to go back to work since he doesn’t want to look after the house and kids, but while he refuses to he can actually do the looking after the house and kids.

That's not how it works when you have children. Equally you are doing much more than your fair share. About time you sent him out to work if he is not going to support you. Tell him that tomorrow is your day off.

If he's a stay at home dad, why are you doing so much?im at home Mon-Fri and I do pretty much everything.... don't get why you're doing so much before work etc

This is ludicrous.

Op, I'm a SAHP and I do every wake up, prepare every meal, do 100% of the day to day tidying (admittedly not very well), 100% of the night wake ups, 100% of the grocery shopping. DH does last nappy of the day and some playtime before bed after he's done with work to bond with the toddler, I brush teeth and actually put DC to bed. Weekends we are both always around to care for DC. No nursery days and no family to help. And you know what? It's all manageable because I'm not a lazy cocklodger.

Amazing how much SAHM do, and then are viewed as having an easy "not real job", yet when men have the same job it's suddenly too hard and their working wives have to do a lot more.

He's not good enough for you Op, not by a long shot.