To also need a weekend off

[Nosleeptheo]

I want to know if I'm the ah. Dp told me on Thursday he's having a weekend off from doing anything for the kids and is doing what he wants.

Back story

2 dc aged 5 and 18mths. Dp is a sahd and i work full time in a new field so learning what to do etc. I wfh. Usually our days are 5.30 till 7.30 I get up with the kids and get everything ready for school / school run. This is getting kids breakfast, getting them dressed and for 2 days youngest ready for nursery. I start work at 7.30 then at 8 nip down to say bye to oldest dp has the kids until I finish at 3.30 (does the school run if oldest isn't in after school club) I then come down and deal with the kids cook tea, bath kids and he puts youngest to bed (he goes to sleep quicker for him) we then put oldest to bed at 7.30. At that point I go to bed or watch something before going to bed myself. Any days off I book I make sure I take over duties as the parent in charge.

This weekend has pissed me off because instead of doing stuff together and letting each other has breaks it's all be left to me. Oldest was begging for his dad's attention yesterday for help in a game they play together (I'm useless at it so he doesn't want me to help). This is all going on until Tuesday when back to normal.

Aibu to book a few days off work in the come up weeks and say I'm having a few days off and just leave him to pick up the normal routine.

I get he needs days off and the kids are full on but we are both lucky to not have the children 1 weekend a month when they go to my dads.

He keeps saying this is how I feel if I mention that I'm tired but I feel like yes you get a break most evenings where I finish work and then deal with kids and life stuff where is my break

One of many reasons I don't have any kids.
Bliss.

What is he doing on the days your youngest is in nursery? Is he cleaning/food shopping/changing beds etc or having time to himself? It sounds like you do a lot despite working full time and he's taking the piss!

There's a whole child free section now. Coming onto a thread about a woman struggling and feeling burnt out and saying that, it's a dick move.

Big fan of child free people being on Mumsnet, even men if they behave themselves. But that's mean.

Op unfortunately your dp is not a SAHD, it sounds like unemployed, doing minimal household tasks whilst you earn the money AND do the job of a SAHM. This is crazy. The least he can do is earn some money to make the family as comfortable as possible.

He's not a SAHD he's a cocklodger

I would say one weekend a month is far far more than most parents get for a break. He should want to do stuff together on the weekend. To be honest when you are a parent there isn’t time off

How amazingly insightful and helpful 👏

Totally unfair split of jobs, you need to reassess everything and agree a much fairer split.

Or he goes back to work.

Sorry OP but you're being taken for a fool. He should be getting the children ready in the mornings and doing the cleaning as he is the SAHP. That's what the woman would do in this situation. You're effectively working FT and doing the lion's share of the housework and childcare. Time for him to go back to work!

Could he not go back to work and have a full time break? Then at least he’d be bringing in some money. I can’t see the advantages of the current situation for you.

Following with interest as I could have written the OP @Nosleeptheo so I have full sympathy!

Is your dp generally well in himself? One reply has commented on whether it’s a lack of confidence, but does he have any other issues that make him reluctant to work (depression or anxiety for example)?

Its always difficult for outsiders to understand my set up - I have a very full time job but usually working at home so get a chance to do bits of housework during the day, and also a chance to catch up work in the evenings; he does the school run (both our DDs are primary school age and do after school club most days) and odd bits and pieces of (usually non-essential) housework; but I do all the organising and thinking behind school etc as well as all the cooking, washing etc. We had a nightmare a few weeks ago when my work stress went into overdrive and I asked him to cover the school admin. We missed a school disco and various forms and things. He gets weekends where he does whole day sporting activities maybe twice a month - I usually get two whole day activities per year….

But…. The majority of the time the set up does work for us. He does pick up some freelance work which means I takeover the school run on those days and he manages his own rental property so has a small amount of income - so I don’t pay for his sporting activities and he contributes a little to the household.

Sometimes I’m screaming for a break just as you are here! Usually the next day I’m fine again, so grateful for my kids being here even when it’s hard work.

Only you can say what works for you, even if the world of MN has a universal opinion on whether it’s “fair”.

Thank you all for your comments I fell asleep last night after a non stop day.

Iv read through all the comments and hopefully I answer all of them here.

When ds is at nursery he will wash up / tidy toys away and sweep but that's the most which apparently takes him all day.

I do try to walk to pick oldest up from after school of its not throwing it down as its a good 20 mins to 30 min each way.

I'm usually up at 5.30 because that's when youngest wakes up (did give me a lie in today which was amazing)

All life admin is up to me, kids ill its me who has to take them to the gp if needed, me who has to sort out medication. I do all the shopping taking to bday party's organising bdays and presents (if this was left to them they would get 1 thing). I do all the packet lunches even though I was told he would do the is ds wanted it (friends have it at school)

I wish I could afford a cleaner to help out but ATM for the next few years until I get a promotion I can't.

Iv decided that on Tuesday I am going to write every little thing I do down and show him how much I do and ask him to do the same. Not much hope of getting a break this weekend as I'm taking the kids to see family today and tomorrow organised some activities on Monday with eldest and his school friends. I am off for 2 days next week 1 for a medical appointment and the other taking oldest on a trip to somthing of his interest. On the day of my appointment I'm lit going to have that break and not do anything. Oldest is in holiday club but youngest at home and he can continue the daily routine.

I feel your pain. He has no mh issues however I do suspect nd.

At weekends we are usually busy (me and the kids) unless oldest has asked for a quite weekend. He has the opportunity to do his hobbies and iv always told him this. However iv started to make friends with some mums went for lunch the other day so he started to make comments about this. I'm going out next week to a pub but not drinking as I have to drive (40 mins to it 😅) and iv made sure it was for when kids will be in bed but he's already had a moan about this that I'm going out even though iv made sure I have time to deal with the kids 1st

I would be so happy with a 1/2 and 1/2 workload but I don't see it ever happening.

He's taking the piss, he sounds like an entitled lazy prick tbh.

He's hardly more use than a household pet and they eat less and are more loyal. If it were my husband., he'd be trying to extricate my pointy toe shoe out of his rear end as I shared with him he either left or got a job. You're not married so who owns the house or do you rent? Right now you are in a dangerous position because he could get custody as the SAHP though it would be probably too much like hard work.

I work and my husband is retired. He does a lot of the life admin and I come home to a cooked meal almost every night (although I do tend to batch cook a few meals at the weekend and try out new recipes etc.) He shops and gardens and is lending a hand to our youngest who is job hunting and trying to get his unrestricted licence. When our children were young he did more than his fair share. Your dp is lazy and idle - he may have little more intelligence than a Labrador but he has got you well trained.

OP, hopefully setting all this in writing has highlighted how much your useless husband is taking advantage of you. You are earning all the money, doing all the life admin, cooking all the meals and doing all the medical care. Hell, you're even providing the parents to have the children once a month!

I agree with PP that the longer he remains unemployed, the less likely he is to return to work.

Luckily we rent and I know the ll who would only let me sign in to a new tc and wouldn't let him if it was a choice. When ever we have argued usually due to this stuff he says he's taking the kids which is what keeps me here.

Would I be fine working full time and having the kids 100000% because that's what I'm doing already practically.

I do truly think if the kids were not here I would of left by now but 1 I can't risk not having them with me and 2 the kids to love their dad and when he's parenting he is great with them. (Probably let's them do more then I would as oldest loves to take risks and thinks he's 15 and a pro skate boarder and football player)

He has absolutely no reason to be, but it looks to me like he's both jealous and resentful of you and is trying to be as awkward as possible.

Write that list of chores, then sit down together and talk it through.

I've read your latest post. Ok we have established he is a little lazy and possibly ND but that doesn't get him off being the former. In regards to housework what about a schedule. I can get massively overwhelmed by what needs doing in the house and I am Part Time/SAHM. I always find I'm much better by having a list that I can work through. So Mondays I do the living room so vacuum, dust, mop floor etc. On Tuesdays I strip and remake beds, vacuum upstairs and tidy the kids rooms. On Wednesdays I do the porch, landing and stairs and so on. You spend maximum half an hour a day doing these rooms and the rest of the time is sweeping, putting clothes away, washing up etc so day to day jobs that have to be done. In regards to life admin but a list up on the fridge or whatever of who does what each day. My husband will now consult it and ask if DD's bag for forest school or rainbows needs sorting the night before. Maybe do your shopping online and give him log in details for it. So as and when something is finished at home he can add it then that's more mental load off your mind. Just the every day basics and ingredients for meals can be added just before pressing order.

Hope some of that helps

He’s got you on a bit of string I’m afraid. You are doing most of the heavy lifting when it comes to the housework and childcare, doing it before work and at weekends whilst he choosing not to work.

He doesn’t want to work? Tough- most people don’t but it’s a fact of life. He’s a lazy sod, he’s enabling his choices by dressing it up as being a SAHP, in reality he isn’t though.

He is taking the complete and utter piss

Start documenting what you do for the kids, particularly in terms of the bulk of the care- arranging meals, the organisation etc and speak to a decent solicitor

He can go and get a bloody job to have a "break" then can't he.

I'd cut off his access to my money tbh. He's threatening you (re the kids) and the solution to this is to enrol them in nursery full time so he cannot claim to be the main carer.
If I were you, I'd get some legal advice, and so long as you aren't advised by a solicitor not to, I'd be inclined to turf him out of the house - you aren't married, he isn't on the lease. Where would he even take the kids to?

If you didn't want to be directly combative, you could couch putting the kids into nursery as concern for him. But it breaks his ability to claim main carer status.
He can't insist on keeping the house either way because he's not the tenant, so that's good.
And unless he has money squirrelled away , how could he afford to fight you for custody?

I'm mad on your behalf but I know that if I had a man threatening to take my kids, the gloves would be off and I'd be doing everything I could to get the fucker out of my house!

I hate the double standards that are prevalent throughout Mumsnet, and trying to imagine what I would say if the roles were reversed, and even I’m struggling to see what he’s doing as ok.

I’m currently on mat leave with a toddler and baby - during the week, I do practically everything with DH taking over most things on weekends. But you’re doing everything and are the parent that’s working. What benefit does your family have with him being a SAHD? I guess your toddler is only at nursery part time and having two children means you can’t truly relax, but what else does he do?

That said, parenting young children is hard and non stop, so I do get that he wants a break from everyone. However, completely unreasonable on his part to say you shouldn’t get time off.

I should admit too that, even though I have the same high pressured City job as DH, so I know that you don’t really get a decent break at work, I do often sometimes see his work time as a break away from being a parent, which is a 24/7 role so I can understand his POV that being at work is a break.