Torn on this. Autistic little lad in restaurant.

[EggsBenedick]

Hi all,

I firstly want to make clear that I am not wanting this to be a bunfight or an ableist type of thread. I'm genuinely interested to hear people's views on this, as the family in question have asked to put in a complaint to the restaurant along with them.

We were eating an all you can eat type place, mostly Indian / Bangladeshi cuisine. I've added this as this may be relevant from a culture perspective.

It's a nice place, not somewhere too posh but not your run of the mill everything you can eat for a tenna place. Was quite busy in there too.

Seated next to us was a family of 3, with a little lad about aged 8 or 9. After he came back with his plate of food he took his jumper and T shirt off. People were looking over but the parents didnt seem bothered by it.

A member of staff came over and asked the parents if the boy could put his top back on. The member of staff was pretty polite initially. The parents refused to ask the boy to put his top back on. The staff member then went to get another member of staff, who came over and said he just put his top back on during the meal or they would have to leave. The mum then said to the waiter 'if we put his top on he will just scream the place down and ruin everything for everyone'. And explained that the child is autistic.

The parents made no effort to put the top back on the boy.
The staff member said to the family that they would have to eat quickly and leave. By this point the mother was visibly upset and indirectly spoke to us saying 'I wish my son could just be accepted.'

The boy was completely topless in the middle of the restaurant with lots of other diners around.
They had a few mouthfuls and came over to our table and asked if we would leave a Google review complaining about their time at the restaurant and how they aren't inclusive or family friendly.

AIBU to be torn in this? I'm genuinely intrigued to hear people's opinions on this. I could see how difficult it was for the mum. But on one hand I think the parents should've at least tried to put the T shirt on the child as it's not appropriate for a child of that age to be topless in a restaurant. But, the child shouldn't be confined to their home to eat. I would be concerned about strangers / men looking at my semi - naked child most of all.

I don't think I am going to do a review as I can see it from the restaurants POV also. I said to the mum that I was sorry she had such a stressful time. She clearly needed support. The dad didn't say or do a lot which was most helpful!

What an absolutely shitty thing to do to someone😡

So glad that your adult child has the capacity to understand the ‘joke’. Some ND don’t have that capacity. Which is where your understanding falls down.

So you’re presuming all of my children are autistic? Lots of presumptions from you eh?

I voted with my feet and never went back - neither did most of my family and friends. Karma’s a bitch !!

Nope, not assuming anything. My comment is just as appropriate to NT as ND.

Doing a lot of that on this thread I see.

As I say, it’s often the adults in a child’s life who are their glass ceiling. Many of them on this thread. Can’t stand it - it’s so selfish.

Have a lovely day.

I'm glad to hear it, ultimately they are mistreating paying customers, aside from everything else, that is surely not good business!

You too. Happy Easter Monday.

Yes, a) autistic people are a threat to civilised life, b) it's all their selfish parents fault, for c) refusing to 'train' them out of their cognitive differences, which is, d) blindingly obvious to you, but has not occurred to them.

Righto.

The willingness to take to task even those with lived experience of Autism is yet another example of the MN mentality that ‘if I haven’t experienced it, then it doesn’t exist
I don't think that's the case. There is no 'taking to task' and living with experience doesn't mean unquestionable, unaccountable, unanswerable.

Being a parent of 10 doesn't make you forcibly an expert in parenting. Having lived in Spain for 10 year doesn't make you an expert in Spanish culture.

What I struggle to understand is that on one hand, the public is expected to stop making generalisations about disabilities, which seems absolutely right, yet in threads like this, talk about autism in general terms that affects all or most.

On one hand, there is a overall feeling that the public doesn't understand and should be more open to learn about disabilities, but when given the opportunity are told that families shouldn't have to explain.

I think if everyone could just be more open, less passive aggressive, less expectant on others to meet all our expectations without anything in return and more tolerant of what falls outside of their norms, situations like this wouldn't come up.

Ultimately a person's autism doesn't trump everyone else's right to have a chilled restaurant meal

If you are worried about a neurodivergent child finding a way to cope in public I think that says a lot.
if he was on a beach would you bat an eyelid? No…
My child is neurodivergent and attitudes like this then mean we rarely, if ever, eat out - ‘typicals’ are too judgemental…

Congratulations! You have won the thread!

Of course your right to a chilled restaurant meal is more important than the rights of disabled people to participate in society. Doh!

No you're "chilled" meal is far more important!

have a really good look at yourself…. 🫤🤢
my 8 year old son has more compassion than you…. think on princess… 🤦‍♀️

Maybe all the intolerant people should be there ones to stay home, so disabled people can go about their lives unrestricted by other people's idea of what's appropriate. Surely then everyone's happy?

Why do you get to participate in society, but not them?

There are plenty of resources available to people who want to learn more about disabilities. Books, podcasts, YouTube, documentaries etc. There are plenty of people - professionals and those with personal experience - who willingly put themselves out there to help educate people. Those people choose to do that.

People don't automatically become public educators when they have a child with a disability. A family in a restaurant are not there to provide a teachable moment for others. They should not have to explain their child's medical conditions to strangers. "My child has <a disability>" should be enough. If people don't understand what that means, that is on them.

And your intolerance doesn't trump another family's right to have a chilled meal free of judgement

My view is slightly more succinct - if you haven’t walked in someone’s shoes then why are you commenting?

I would pitch this quote at a good 60% of MNers:

’opinions are like ar*eholes, we all have one, but generally they are best kept to ourselves’

MN really doesn’t do us women any favours at times - perpetuates the bitchy/ignorance/viperish stereotypes….jeez, I thought we were better than this….🤦‍♀️

Cough cough…. 🐄 💩
are you REALLY a SEN parent….🫤🤨
🕷️ senses are telling me that it’s unlikely…autism is a spectrum and it isn’t a won’t it’s a can’t - I would have hoped if you are genuinely a ND/SEN mum you would get that..

Just as the person with autism has a right to have a restaurant meal in peace and if they feel the need to employ a coping mechanism to avoid anxiety, which doesn’t impact on anyone else, it’s nobody’s business but theirs.

This. All day long. Thank you.

No one who knows what Autism is talks about it in ‘general terms’. Because you can’t generalise. There’s a saying. Once you’ve met one Autistic person, you’ve met one Autistic person. There are levels, and layers within those levels. And there are enough resources online and elsewhere for those who want to learn about various disabilities, so that the people who suffer from them, and whose lives are difficult enough already, shouldn’t need to explain - that came up on the thread when someone suggested that our tolerance of disabled people should be based on the preparedness of their parents/carers to demonstrate that they are doing their best to minimise the ‘disruption’ they cause to everyone else. That’s dehumanising people - thinking in terms of how inconvenient their condition is to everyone else. I’ve been at the receiving end of that as a physically disabled person and it’s humiliating.

Special needs or not, it’s not appropriate to be shirtless in a restaurant, and it’s wild that people seem to think it’s fine.

You can't switch autism on and off based on a neurotypical's view of what's appropriate.