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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absent father should I lie to dd

55 replies

Differentstarts · 30/03/2024 14:06

I Have 2 dd eldest is 6 and youngest is 3. I had my eldest when I was really young and was sleeping around so was unsure who her father is and not long after getting pregnant I moved away and raised my daughter alone.
My youngest dd dad is very involved we aren't together but he sees her all the time which has led to a lot of questions from my eldest about why she doesn't get to see her dad. Up to now iv managed to brush it of or change the subject and I always try to do special treats with her while her sister is at her dad's to distract her. But the older she is getting the more she is asking and I genuinely don't know what to say to her. None of the boys/men I was hanging around with at that time where good people and none of them know I was pregnant. I don't know if it would be best for her if I just make up a lie about him at least until she's older because I don't know how else to explain this to a 6 year old.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 30/03/2024 14:11

Hi OP, honestly I would just be honest with her- but obviously in an age appropriate way. It’s not going to be helpful or good for your relationship with her long term to lie now x

Itsbeenabadday · 30/03/2024 14:14

I think it's important to tell the truth as much as you possibly can. I think it quite likely at some point in her life that she'll want to find out who her bio father is - not too difficult with things like 23 & me. Could you try to contact some of those men and ask if they'd be willing to do a DNA test? Either way, you could tell her that you actually don't know (that is the truth) and when she's old enough for the birds and bees chat she'll likely ask again and you can just be honest and say you slept with more than one man so you are unsure - you can also tell her how you feel about the whole situation. You are who you are and you've done what you've done, just be honest. She's still going to love you but if she finds out you've been lying to her her whole life that could be detrimental to your relationship.

Differentstarts · 30/03/2024 14:20

Itsbeenabadday · 30/03/2024 14:14

I think it's important to tell the truth as much as you possibly can. I think it quite likely at some point in her life that she'll want to find out who her bio father is - not too difficult with things like 23 & me. Could you try to contact some of those men and ask if they'd be willing to do a DNA test? Either way, you could tell her that you actually don't know (that is the truth) and when she's old enough for the birds and bees chat she'll likely ask again and you can just be honest and say you slept with more than one man so you are unsure - you can also tell her how you feel about the whole situation. You are who you are and you've done what you've done, just be honest. She's still going to love you but if she finds out you've been lying to her her whole life that could be detrimental to your relationship.

I'm trying to keep my dd away from the life I used to live and have no interest into dragging any of them back into mine or my dd life. Iv said in the past I don't know where he is to her but she was much younger and just said I can call him to come. Now she's a bit older these questions are getting more detailed and more regular

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 30/03/2024 14:24

I agree you need the truth but I’m not sure how you’d get that across in an age appropriate way.

He was a friend of mummy’s but you were too precious to share? God that’s awful isn’t it. Sorry, I’m not sure what I’d say. Hopefully someone who works with children will be along to offer some suggestions.

Differentstarts · 30/03/2024 14:27

StormingNorman · 30/03/2024 14:24

I agree you need the truth but I’m not sure how you’d get that across in an age appropriate way.

He was a friend of mummy’s but you were too precious to share? God that’s awful isn’t it. Sorry, I’m not sure what I’d say. Hopefully someone who works with children will be along to offer some suggestions.

It's so hard I don't want to lie to her and will have no problem telling her everything when she's older its just I don't know how to do this at 6

OP posts:
Trickabrick · 30/03/2024 14:30

Could you say something like “he wasn’t a nice person when I knew him so I moved away to make sure you only have good people around you” then you can build on that as she gets older and you can explain your life at that time. It’s a toughie though OP, good luck!

NuffSaidSam · 30/03/2024 14:30

I'd tell her the truth - which is you don't know who her Dad is.

I would also do my very best to try and find out who her Dad is. She'll want to know at some point and it'll be easier for you to find out now than for her to have to go looking in 10 years time. It's not really fair to deny her any chance of a relationship with her father or any member of her extended family.

Underscored · 30/03/2024 14:37

You need to be honest and that means telling her you don't know who her father is. You can say something like, "some people don't know their dads. I understand if you are sad you don't have a dad in your life. Me and your sibling [and xyz] love you very much and we will always be here for you."

You cannot lie or excessively sugar coat this because as your daughter grows up she will have more sophisticated questions and she needs to know you are trustworthy - it will come out in the end. And at some point in your daughter's adolescence you should be prepared to have a conversation summarising what you have said in your OP, as your daughter may well ask.

I totally disagree with the advice about contacting the potential fathers above. That's a huge can of worms that your daughter can choose to open when she is old enough.

FWIW I know an adult woman in exactly this situation with her own father - she has accepted it and has never sought him out, nor does she harbour resentment towards her mother.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/03/2024 14:39

So you dont know who the dad is, and aren’t prepared to try to find out so she has choices when she’s older (also the father has had no opportunity to step up and be a dad if he is unaware). I feel very sad for your older dd in this scenario, particularly if she is going to continue to see her sister seeing her dad. Sooner or later she is going to want to know the truth and maybe go looking for him. In the interim saying you don’t know where he is, is at least the truth. You will need to tell her more as she gets older.

CarrotCake01 · 30/03/2024 14:41

I also think finding the truth in an age appropriate way. Maybe for now just explain that all families are different and that some families have 1 daddy and 1 mummy, some families just have 1 mummy! ?

Its a tough one OP!

SKG231 · 30/03/2024 14:44

Your daughter has the right to know who her father is and her father has the right to know his daughter. you don’t get to take that right away just because you’re ashamed of your past.

if you do not sort this soon she will resent you when she’s older and knows the truth. You need to contact all possible fathers and do DNA tests. Withholding this information is not right.

takemeawayagain · 30/03/2024 14:44

Maybe something along the lines of 'I don't know where he is because he wasn't very nice to me so I moved away from him so I could have a safe and happy life with you.'

noctu · 30/03/2024 14:46

SKG231 · 30/03/2024 14:44

Your daughter has the right to know who her father is and her father has the right to know his daughter. you don’t get to take that right away just because you’re ashamed of your past.

if you do not sort this soon she will resent you when she’s older and knows the truth. You need to contact all possible fathers and do DNA tests. Withholding this information is not right.

Edited

Speaking as someone who was once that daughter - SPOT. ON.
Never lie to your daughter about this, it has huge repercussions.
Plus we are in the age of AncestryDNA and the like - you never know what will happen in the near future when she's older, such as her paternal relatives contacting her...

Differentstarts · 30/03/2024 14:46

SKG231 · 30/03/2024 14:44

Your daughter has the right to know who her father is and her father has the right to know his daughter. you don’t get to take that right away just because you’re ashamed of your past.

if you do not sort this soon she will resent you when she’s older and knows the truth. You need to contact all possible fathers and do DNA tests. Withholding this information is not right.

Edited

It has nothing to do with me being ashamed of my past its about protecting my daughters safety which is my number 1 priority

OP posts:
Singingtheraininspain · 30/03/2024 14:46

Normally I’m all for age-appropriate truth. But I really don’t think you should tell her that you don’t know who her father is at 6. She will tell her friends. And in a few shorts years she and her peers will come to understand how it’s possible for a woman to not know who the father of her child is. And they be brutal and your child is likely to be bullied over it. I think ´he wasn’t a nice man and I’m not sure where he is’ is a better explanation for now.

Differentstarts · 30/03/2024 14:49

noctu · 30/03/2024 14:46

Speaking as someone who was once that daughter - SPOT. ON.
Never lie to your daughter about this, it has huge repercussions.
Plus we are in the age of AncestryDNA and the like - you never know what will happen in the near future when she's older, such as her paternal relatives contacting her...

What did your mum tell you and what would you prefer her to of said

OP posts:
MeganMckennasVibrato · 30/03/2024 14:49

SKG231 · 30/03/2024 14:44

Your daughter has the right to know who her father is and her father has the right to know his daughter. you don’t get to take that right away just because you’re ashamed of your past.

if you do not sort this soon she will resent you when she’s older and knows the truth. You need to contact all possible fathers and do DNA tests. Withholding this information is not right.

Edited

This!

I would be putting things into place now to try and find her father.

My half sister, on my dad's side, was a pregnancy that my dad never knew about until my half sister was 21.

My half sisters relationship with her mother has never recovered due to her not putting things in place and denying my half sister a father, or at least the truth, for 22 years of her life.

Ebme · 30/03/2024 14:49

Definitely don’t tell any lies. When she is a teenager she’s going to do a DNA test on Ancestry.com or similar, and she will find some kind of distant relations on there, and might even track down her dad. So don’t give her any information now that teenage her could be upset about - or any dangerous illusions about searching for a kind dad who doesn’t know about her, either.

Kids understand blunt facts but get confused by evasion. I would probably say something like…

“To make a baby, a man and a woman need to have sex. The sex takes what we call genes from the man, and also some genes from the woman, and mixes them together to make a new person. Genes are basically just instructions for the woman’s body on how to grow a baby. A bit like how the instructions in a lego set tell you how to make the lego.

Usually when that happens, the man and woman have been very good friends for a long time, and have chosen to make a baby together, and they both look after it together. Or, sometimes after a while they want to live seperately, and so the baby only sees the dad sometimes, like with your sister.

What happened with you was a bit different. I was feeling lonely and I was in a confused time of my life where I really needed some grown up cuddles, and so I made friends with a few different men, just for a little bit, and I had sex with them. We weren’t trying to make a baby, sometimes grown ups have sex just for the cuddles. Later I stopped seeing those men, because it turned out they weren’t so nice to me, they could even be quite mean and unfriendly to be honest. Have you ever met someone you thought would be nice, but then later they were not nice to you? It was like that.

Later, I found out that my body was growing a baby, and I was so happy and excited about you! But, I didn’t know which man had given my body the genes to start the baby. And I didn’t know where any of those men had gone, I didn’t even have their phone numbers. And I thought oh well maybe that is better anyway, because those men weren’t very nice to me, so they probably wouldn’t be so nice to a baby either. I love you so much and I wanted to be sure you only have good kind people looking after you. And although I didn’t know which man gave me the genes to make you, I knew he was one of the not so nice men. I didn’t want you to have to go and stay with any of those men. So that’s what happened. Is there anything you’d like to ask me about that, or shall I show you a youtube video of how the genes from the man meet the genes of a woman and give her body instructions on how to make a baby?” Then distract her with one of the kid-friendly cartoons of sperm meeting egg.

Grapesandcheesetwo · 30/03/2024 14:52

I think Underscored response is good. Tell her you don't know, tell her it's okay if she's sad, and tell her that all families are different. Maybe get some books about different types of families and draw her family tree if she sees your parents/siblings and has a good bond with them. If you lie it might come across like it's something she should be ashamed about.

anareen · 30/03/2024 14:52

I think i would keep him in a positive light and tell her something that shows everyone had her best interest at heart . I'm not sure what exactly you could say though...... what a tough situation.

I am in a similar situation with one of my children however, she has someone she knows as dad. When the time comes I plan to tell her something along the lines of her bio dad wasn't able to be the father he wanted to be so he picked "so and so" to be her father ...... something like that anyway.

Ebme · 30/03/2024 14:53

SKG231 · 30/03/2024 14:44

Your daughter has the right to know who her father is and her father has the right to know his daughter. you don’t get to take that right away just because you’re ashamed of your past.

if you do not sort this soon she will resent you when she’s older and knows the truth. You need to contact all possible fathers and do DNA tests. Withholding this information is not right.

Edited

I disagree with this. OP knows these men, we don’t. If OP has decided they’d be a risk to her daughter, that’s OP’s decision to make.

OP doesn’t have a responsibility to seek out these men and request DNA tests. Those men chise to have unprotected sex with OP and THEY had a responsibility to later seek out OP and check if they’d got her pregnant and if so offer child support for the next 18 years. When those men failed to do that, they threw away any parenting rights they might otherwise have had.

Differentstarts · 30/03/2024 14:54

anareen · 30/03/2024 14:52

I think i would keep him in a positive light and tell her something that shows everyone had her best interest at heart . I'm not sure what exactly you could say though...... what a tough situation.

I am in a similar situation with one of my children however, she has someone she knows as dad. When the time comes I plan to tell her something along the lines of her bio dad wasn't able to be the father he wanted to be so he picked "so and so" to be her father ...... something like that anyway.

I kind of agree with this I really don't think its right to say to her he's a bad person

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 30/03/2024 14:54

@Differentstarts do you actually worry her father could cause harm or bring danger? This is very different from him being a bit of a useless toe rag.

maybe a variation on, “your father was a friend of mummy’s when I was younger. Things were very different for me then and when I got pregnant with you I moved away to build a better life for us.”

I think you need to prepare for this conversation to come up again and again as she grows up and has more questions.

Mummame2222 · 30/03/2024 14:55

Differentstarts · 30/03/2024 14:20

I'm trying to keep my dd away from the life I used to live and have no interest into dragging any of them back into mine or my dd life. Iv said in the past I don't know where he is to her but she was much younger and just said I can call him to come. Now she's a bit older these questions are getting more detailed and more regular

That’s so unfair. You’re playing God. You’re DD has a right to know who her Father is and he has a right to know he has a child.

A Mother should do everything in her power to find out who the Dad is. That’s is the very least you owe your daughter.

noctu · 30/03/2024 14:56

Differentstarts · 30/03/2024 14:49

What did your mum tell you and what would you prefer her to of said

She told me my dad was dead. Then, at around your DD's age (maybe slightly older), I started asking questions about my dad - what was he like, why don't we have contact with the rest of his family, where are my other grandparents, do I have any half siblings, uncles, aunts, etc.

My family (i.e. the maternal side) also had to lie about it when I asked them, despite knowing he was very much alive - which was not nice for them either.

I was eventually told the truth when I was a few years older, and it shattered the relationship I had with my mum, and the rest of my family tbh as I knew they had all lied to me about it (willingly/unwillingly).

The reasoning my mum had was similar - that he wasn't a very nice man, and they weren't in contact any more, he had moved away anyway, etc.

I understand her reasons and know it was to protect me but it just wasn't the right thing to do. My dad also deserved the chance to know his daughter IMO

On reflection if the roles were reversed I would have simply wanted to know the truth. I don't think you need to say 'I was sleeping around' but simply say that you don't have any way of contacting her father and that he wasn't a nice man so it's best you don't have any relationship with him.