Absent father should I lie to dd

[Differentstarts]

I Have 2 dd eldest is 6 and youngest is 3. I had my eldest when I was really young and was sleeping around so was unsure who her father is and not long after getting pregnant I moved away and raised my daughter alone.
My youngest dd dad is very involved we aren't together but he sees her all the time which has led to a lot of questions from my eldest about why she doesn't get to see her dad. Up to now iv managed to brush it of or change the subject and I always try to do special treats with her while her sister is at her dad's to distract her. But the older she is getting the more she is asking and I genuinely don't know what to say to her. None of the boys/men I was hanging around with at that time where good people and none of them know I was pregnant. I don't know if it would be best for her if I just make up a lie about him at least until she's older because I don't know how else to explain this to a 6 year old.

I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for a raping paedophile to change.

I'm sorry you weren't safe when you were in care and that you don't seem to have been offered support to broach the subject of who your DD's father is with her. If you are still under 25 then it may still be possible for you to receive care leaver support anyway and I wonder if specialist counselling or support to help you explore the paternity of your DD may be able to be part of that.

In the mean time, I'd continue to tell her you don't know where he is at the moment. If appropriate, you might tell her that you didn't have a chance to tell him about being pregnant because where you were living wasn't safe and you needed to move house quickly. If you are ready, you could offer to try and find some help to find out more about him. If you do this, explain it may be tricky/take a long time as you will have to write to people from the unsafe place and you're not sure how easy it will be to find out any information.

I have a couple of friends who do not know who their dads are. One was lied to throughout childhood and teenaged life with their mother making up all sorts of romantic tales about which of a number of men his dad was. It has had a huge impact on their relationship as it's always been held over him like some kind of power play and has been the main reason they've not had children themselves. The other friend's mum knows who their dad is and has always said simply that he is someone who was a very good friend but who had never wanted to be a dad which is why she never told him. She and her mum have a healthy relationship.

I would definitely tell her the truth when she’s older but I don’t know what you should tell her now.

Perhaps give him a name and say he moved away before you could tell him you were pregnant and so you don’t know where he lives.
Then as she gets older say you’re not sure which man is was.

You don’t want her thinking that she wasn’t wanted/isn’t loved.

I would write her a letter though in case anything was to happen to you and explain as much as you can.
Then when she is older she can try and find out more about her roots.

Having read all your posts I would certainly not disclose or attempt to find her dad. This would not be in anyway beneficial to her. If it was me I would say it was someone you met on holiday and he lives very far away. X

I'm so sorry you've experienced all that. You sound like a very strong and a great mum.

At the age of 6 I'd say it's enough to tell your dd (honestly) that you just aren't sure who her dad is and you don't know how to get in touch with the men that you knew when you got pregnant. But that when she's a grown up you might be able to find out more together about her family using a DNA test.

Then tell her that she's so wonderful and you are so lucky having her as a daughter that you are the luckiest mum in the world and the man that made her with you must have some wonderful things about him to make such a fantastic little girl.

As she gets older (maybe around 10) she's be old enough to understand that there may have been several different possible fathers but they weren't very nice men so you moved away from them to be a good mum.

And then tell her how lucky you are that you got such a wonderful daughter.

As an older teen she'd be ready for much more detail that you were being groomed and abused and not protected by the people who should have looked after you and so you did everything you could to move away from the situation to protect her.

And again tell her how lucky you are that you got such a wonderful daughter.