Absent father should I lie to dd

[Differentstarts]

I Have 2 dd eldest is 6 and youngest is 3. I had my eldest when I was really young and was sleeping around so was unsure who her father is and not long after getting pregnant I moved away and raised my daughter alone.
My youngest dd dad is very involved we aren't together but he sees her all the time which has led to a lot of questions from my eldest about why she doesn't get to see her dad. Up to now iv managed to brush it of or change the subject and I always try to do special treats with her while her sister is at her dad's to distract her. But the older she is getting the more she is asking and I genuinely don't know what to say to her. None of the boys/men I was hanging around with at that time where good people and none of them know I was pregnant. I don't know if it would be best for her if I just make up a lie about him at least until she's older because I don't know how else to explain this to a 6 year old.

Its perfectly reasonable to want to protect her daughter from someone who the OP knows would make their life worse. You don't know these people and the OP does. More than anything the child has a right to grow up in safety.

I wouldn't go for the line some have said about how he wasn't nice so you moved away. That's still a lie and will make her feel like she's half made of a not nice person, and also jump to conclusions later like you were raped. Honestly, just say that you don't know who her father is, that sometimes that happens and she'll understand when she's older, but for now you love her etc.

I think focusing on her father not being nice is not only continuing to lie - because you don't know who he is and no doubt some would say you 'weren't nice' back then, but clearly people change, have different dimensions and you really want to stay away from anything that will make her feel more insecure and like she's less loveable.

If it's a situation where you genuinely never knew who the father was and they don't know that they're a father either, then the best line to take for now is that you don't know who he is and that's okay, she's very loved and very wanted.

I say all this as someone from a different situation but who has never known who her biological father is and never tried to find out via DNA sites etc., because my mum and her DH were my parents as far as I was concerned. Without a father figure in her life, your DD will likely be more curious to seek out that side of her family so it will probably happen one day, maybe in her teens, and you can deal with that then. But the more lies you tell now, the more they'll come back to haunt you, so don't be tempted to cover up too much.

Yes I'm worried about harm. I was 15 years old living in care these where older boys/men who would supply me with drugs and alcohol to have sex with me. At the time I thought we were mates and I liked the attention. As an adult and lots of therapy I realise how wrong this whole thing was.

'Sometimes mummys choose to have a baby on their own, without the daddy. He helped me make you, and that's the most important thing. I actually don't know where he is now. Some people have a mummy that's also a daddy!'
Then move the subject on.
I think talking about how it could be multiple men might be a bit confusing at that age. She'll understand that better of her own accord once it's clear he's permanently absent. In a couple years you can go into more details if/when she wants to find him.

Do not open that can of worms if the men were abusing you like that. Obviously men that are paedos that rape 15 year olds after drugging them aren’t father material. I would lie and say he’s dead. When she’s an adult she will understand.

At this point it’s just safeguarding your child. You already know the dad likes underage girls. I’m so sorry that nobody safeguarded you from the abuse. But your daughter has you.

Jesus your daughter is 6 and you still don't know who her father is ?

No as I have no interest in knowing. I was moved away to start a new life

Ignore the pps suggesting you contact these men 🙄 yy what could possibly go wrong with initiating contact with abusive men...

Anyway I raised my dd on my own, her dad chose not to have any contact with her. It's really hard to know what to say but I went with 'some daddy's don't want to be daddy's, it's okay if you feel sad about that, it makes me feel sad sometimes as well'

In your case could you say something about 'some daddy's not being ready to be daddy's and you know that's hard to understand now.' If she has specific questions try and answer them the best you can.

There is a book called 'why don't I have a daddy' which was useful in opening up the conversation.

You are 100% right to keep them apart ignore the holier than thou types who have no idea of what happens outside their own bubble. I would tell her you don't know where he is and maybe tell her more when she is older.

You have turned your life around so well done for that and for protecting your daughter.

Did you read all her posts?

Oh god, that's an awkward one.

Having read your updates, I understand why you don't want to get in contact with these men to carry out DNA tests.

I also don't think it's a good idea to tell a 6 year old that you don't know who her Dad is. She will start telling everyone in school!

I like someone's idea of saying that sometimes Mummy's choose to have a baby on their own without their Daddy.

Then when she is a bit older, I would tell her the truth. But definitely not at 6.

Yep. I was thinking the situation would either be along these lines or boys/men mixed up in criminal gangs.
’He wasn’t a very nice man. I don’t know where he is now. I’ll tell more about it when you’re older’.
Then when she’s older you can explain you were very young and vulnerable and her father was older and took advantage of that. You can add the fact you don’t know which of several bad men who took advantage of you it was when she’s 16-18 if she shows interest in finding him.

Also you could absolutely bring this up with your counselor and ask for advice on how to handle your daughter’s questions.

But that would be a lie. She does know, to an extent. And could find out for certain if she wanted to. The plain fact is she is denying her daughter the right to know who her father is and like it or not this will cause issues down the line to her daughter and her relationship with her.

In view of the OP's later post, this wouldn't be in the slightest bit accurate - she was raped. Not to mention how that will come across to her when she's slightly older and can understand the actual meaning, having innocently told schoolmates, teachers and potentially any random strangers.

Don’t lie to dd or this will turn into “you lied to her” rather than “you did the best for her” If she finds out later rather than hearing it from you then it becomes one of those things that could really damage your relationship.

You need to be honest in an age appropriate way so it doesn’t lead to her feeling betrayed by you.

I assume that there’s no name on the birth certificate so at this stage, it might make sense to show her birth certificate and explain that you don’t know who her dad is which is truthful and age appropriate. She may later ask if you were assaulted or sleeping around but then you can tell her about the dodgy characters that you used to hang out with.

We have spoken about it in the past and she's never really answered specifically its more been you need to do what you think is right for your family and suggested me asking the gp for a referral for dd for therapy but I don't think its needed at this point.

150% support you in whatever decision you make. You have every right to protect your daughter from these men. I wouldn’t be alerting them to her existence either.

Have you considered speaking to a child psychologist to help you answer her questions? Vague will work for a while but as she gets older the questions will need more detailed answers.

I’m sorry you went through that abuse. I had no idea and hope I didn’t push you into sharing more than you were comfortable with.

Your fine you didn't push me into anything people need to to know the facts to be able to answer the question appropriately

I think the best you can do given the circumstances is to explain that you don't know who the daddy is. Which is true. That you moved away because you didn't feel safe. Which is true. And that you very much wanted to have her as your very own baby not to share with a daddy.

The only other thing I can suggest is contacting a counsellor expert in children counselling to ask for some advice

Yes you need to tell the truth or a version of it. I would tell her that her Dad was making bad choices and that you hope he learns to make better choices one day. But that for now you only have safe loving people in your family and that you’re grateful to have each other.

Don’t say he was a bad person as she will feel negatively about herself. Say something along the lines that he had no choice than to go away and that she may be able to meet him in the future. Make her feel special.

In the meantime try to find out who he is - maybe with a dna website. As you have changed your life he may have too, people grown and change for the better sometimes. There could be a happy resolution in the future.

I wouldn’t tell her you don’t know who he is at this point- that will be very confusing for a 6 year old. You have a chance to try find out. If you end up having to tell her that truth do it in the future.

Apologies! I missed a few vital replies from you. I would seek professional advice about how to reply to her questions in this circumstance.

Sorry that happened to you