I hate our holiday and want to go home

[Backwoods57]

I need to rant.

Day 10 of a 13 day visit to the UK. We moved to the USA in 2014 and have to come back every year because MIL can't afford to visit us, and is scared of flying. We are in Aldershot/Farnham area. There is nothing to do apart from walk up and down dead high streets. Traffic is terrible, I smell the pollution and cigarette smoke everywhere.

If we don't come we get a massive guilt trip about MIL not seeing grandkids etc.

This trip cost $4000, we have done very little apart from visit family and sit in my SiL's cramped dirty messy house.

2 weeks of my 3 week vacation allowance has been thrown away. I have start working remotely for A. Something to do, and B so I can claim some vacation days back.

I miss my home, our dogs, I miss countryside and wildlife, I want my space back.....and tap water that doesn't taste like bleach.

@swayingpalmtree thread is really identifiable as well if sil or even a friend of hers is on MN

Granted. Strikes me that both DP and SiL need to be far firmer with their mother. No one else seems to be getting a great deal out of this situation.

$4K on flights etc to spend my precious holiday time in this way would be a complete non-starter for me. Hiring cars and visiting the New Forest isn't going to take care of this problem. The set up isn't working. But if these siblings (I'm assuming they're siblings) are amenable to putting up with the situation and no one's willing to change, then unfortunately the onus for that is entirely on OP.

It's a hackneyed MN cliche, but this sounds very much to me like a DP problem. I'd recommend, OP, that you have a read of Susan Forward, and 'The Power of "No"'. Both could be game-changers for someone in this position.

No idea what you're on about, I was just amused by the comment

Yep - my sympathies also lie firmly with the SIL. Imagine having to host them all. Then they make very few plans, sit around moaning and expect to be driven everywhere. Poor woman! Then after all that OP says her house is small and dirty.

Oh the house is too small for you OP? But you won’t spend any money on an airbnb? It’s probably messy because SIL is spending her whole time driving you lot around.

Granted. Strikes me that both DP and SiL need to be far firmer with their mother. No one else seems to be getting a great deal out of this situation

OP could also stop being so nasty to her SIL. There's that too.

@SerafinasGoose

I get it now loss of hour of sleep has made me obtuse😂.

OP isn't protecting herself and her family from the animals they meet out hiking, they actively go hunting so yes the animals have got two weeks off from being shot

I live in Maine and two of my children (and two of my grandchildren) live in the UK. I definitely hear you on this. I made the choice to come here and I have more time and more money than they do but my DD and her DH are taking the kids to Disneyland this summer with no plans to visit me here or her brother in NJ. I would have gladly paid for them to fly to NJ (cheap domestic flight) and driven down to see them if it had even been discussed as a possibility but it was booked and paid for before that happened. As it is we have a difficult year financially so we won't be making trips out of the US this year.

I agree that the OPs husband must put the effort in to change the situation.

However, it’s not the SILs fault and I can imagine she is not exactly delighted and probably quite inconvenienced by op and her family setting up camp in her house for 2 weeks. I stand by my opinion that yes OP should absolutely be grateful for this.

And regarding where you say, ‘The thing so many Mumsnetters fail to acknowledge when they exhort other women to take on all timely, financial and emotional burden of their husbands' families as well as their own’
I disagree. I absolutely not not think this is reasonable at all and I WOULD NOT put myself in this position.

Yes that's fine but @Backwoods57 really can't afford to do that. So I suggest she saves up for a few years for a visit.

@SerafinasGoose
OP and OP's partner are already shelling out the funds for transatlantic flights every year, on account of the fact that MiL is afraid of flying and refuses to visit them. That's already a significant chunk out of their pockets, not to mention time, of which US holiday entitlements allow less.

I get its frustrating but it was OP and partner who chose to live abroad, in the USA no less, which is a long flight and notorious for pretty poor holiday entitlement. They knew all these things in advance. It was their responsibility to factor in how they will manage seeing their family after emigrating, both practically and financially. If family can come and see them, great, but they can’t expect it when the choice to live in a long haul destination was theirs and theirs alone.

People are talking about fear of flying like it’s MIL just being a bit annoying, but it can be completely debilitating. To expect her to do a long haul flight in those circumstances, presumably alone, is pretty unfair in my opinion.

Could you fly and join them at Disney for a few days in the parks? Presumably if they’ve booked a week or two there isn’t time to fly to another state. So if you have more time could you go and meet them there?

I knew people who kill animals for fun were thick as mince, but I didn’t think they were so stupid as to repeat a ‘holiday’ to Aldershot, repeatedly fail to hire a car, not bother to go anywhere and wonder why it’s not fun, for ten fucking years.

😂😂😂😂

@fashionqueen1183 - technically I could, although flight and accommodation would cost me more than flying them up to where they could stay with their brother for free, and as I haven't been invited I don't want to be a drag on them and what they want to do. At 74 I don't have the energy to deal with long days at Disney. Also, Florida in August in a Disney park is more than I can stand in terms of heat. There's a reason why so many people come to Maine in August from Florida. I am just sad the whole thing wasn't even broached or discussed before it was booked.

But surely the return flight for one person, plus a modest motel would be about the same as paying for all of them to fly. You don't need to traipse round the theme parks, but join them for downtime and evenings.

As an FYI and maybe why they haven't considered visiting you, Disneyworld passes are generally sold for 14 days in the UK and are very expensive, so they probably want to get their money's worth.

@stoptryingtomakefetchhappen
👏👏👏

How do Americans live in UK then? Or why some visit as tourists?

It's like saying once you see Himalayas, no other mountains count.
Beauty is not just one kind scenery.

Then go then!

Let’s be perfectly honest visiting family is shite at the best of times but three weeks of it when it’s doing nothing but piss down; your miles from home & your accommodation is pretty crappy too your not going to have the best of times, maybe make these holidays bi-annually & for two weeks instead of three; children are growing & all that xx

Central London is only 1 hour and 20 minutes away, go for a walk in any market, there are so many things to do in London, you still have the time to book a matinee show and go back on the last train after a nice meal.

I think the poster meant you can walk in UK woodland without getting eaten...

She wants to c her grand kids and I think u sound very selfish. Not everyone has the same & the fact u described yr SIL in that manner for me that’s a disgrace. They re yr husband’s family that is what made him who he is whether u live in a nicer environment with or not. U can buy yrMIL a ticket it will be cheaper or when u visit rent a home from home for yrself and visit MIL regularly. There re so many ways to accommodate them without looking or sounding snobbish. I would never go on a public forum and talk about my family or husband’s family in that way it just sounds wrong to me. I just hope yr children are not picking up on this otherwise what exactly are they learning

To be honest you are being ridiculous, you would be better organising a holiday in Europe where MIL can come to you and at least that way you would have a nice break. Or alternatively arrange to visit the Peak District or Devon or something with MIL, that would be a better break. If you turn upto someone’s home you will inevitable just become part of their day to day monotony. You need to have things planned.

I would plan things on the way to see the family and maybe on the way back or days out and see her for a week maybe.

Goodness!
I have a holiday barn and often rent to people meeting up. Its neutral ground, I think it might be a better idea next time. Bdetter still pay for your MIL to travel to you or meet you somewhere so yoy all get a vacation?

Yeah I finally clicked to that, bit slow today

Although one has to be careful walking across fields, have you seen how many people get killed by cows in this country, quite shocked me