Unmarried mothers with partner, how do you do finances?

[Theyellowoneplease]

I've got a lot going on at the moment and I'm stewing about things, I don't know if I'm just being unreasonable or if I have a valid point!

Together with DP for 9 years, we have two DC 6 and 5. I was made redundant between babies, had a large redundancy package equivalent to two years wages which meant I could afford to stay at home for 2 years. Once that money ran out I picked up jobs in hospitality to fit around DPs work to avoid childcare costs. I was struggling financially after COVID passed so found a very flexible job in education where I could write my own diary essentially, meaning I worked PT during preschool hours and did drop offs/pick ups and just (cheekily) WFH when it was the holidays (term time pre-school).

I hated the job but stuck it for 2 years until my youngest started school and we could access wrap around care (not offered at pre-school). I also worked Fri night, sat night and all day Sunday in a pub kitchen as I wasn't bringing in enough money to cover my 50% of the bills.

I left my jobs in November after my DF's terminal cancer diagnosis after realising life is too short to work a job I don't enjoy. I've struggled to find something (a couple didn't work out) but now been in this job about 6 weeks and I like it! However it's low paid so I'm going to have to top up my income with an evening job.

AIBU to be mad that we don't pool our money as a couple? I've always paid 50% of the shared bills AND until November time been the main parent for drop offs/pick ups, holidays etc. DP is being primed for a 2-band promotion with the NHS so he'll be on even better money which I feel really bitter about! He's also moaning about his holiday allowance being 'taken up' for school holidays.

If you have worked part time etc then you really are making yourself incredibly vulnerable by not being married.

Have you considered the amount of pension your partner has in comparison to you?

DP clearly wants his cake and to eat it, YANBU but this should have been sorted before you had kids together. I imagine he doesn’t believe in marriage?

He's not in this family thing as much as he should be. I'm in a "blended" family so slightly different but we have a joint account where we pay on according to income and our seperate accounts for our discretionary spend.

If he dies you will have NO access to his money in the short term. A joint account would solve that.

I think YABU to be angry about it without (I assume) having had a proper conversation about this and how it would all work financially before having children together.

How did you agree on 50/50?

You need a proper sit down chat about all finances really and figure out a “best way forward”. If 50/50 was what you both agreed to then he’s not unreasonable to have been doing that, but financing a family should be an almost constant “conversation” so if 50/50 isn’t working anymore then you need to sit down together and figure out what would work better.

We were engaged, but we went through a rocky patch last year and I removed my ring. Part of the rocky-ness was due to me feeling financially spent/vulnerable. We had always agreed that when we get married or have children we would combine finances. Its never happened - I suppose because of my redundancy package I just loved off of that as if I was working and I didn't have the big maternity leave cut as I otherwise would have done so we just bobbed along.

You making yourself very vulnerable here. Why don't you both pay into a joint account and use it for joint bills...both keep maybe £200 or similar on own account for birthday present s etc..means your dp pays more into the joint account than you. His comment re holidays is a huge red flag.

I couldn’t sacrifice my career for a man. It’s too risky.

He’s another greedy man who ‘doesn’t see’ that his partner is skint. He’d sure understand if it was him who was being affected.

Personally I’d focus on my career and get him to do half the childcare. His money doesn’t benefit you so he can’t argue ‘I earn more, I’m breadwinner’. But I bet he does anyway!

Tell him to dip his hand into his pocket - a good partner will say of course, let’s pay into your pension too. A wrong un will bitch and moan and have excuses.

I know I'm very vulnerable, and like a PP mentioned my pension has taken a massive 6 year hit too. I'm a very passive person but recent events (and always struggling financially) have shaken me and made me feel like this isn't fair.

We have a joint account where all joint bills, food shopping, childcare etc comes out of. But we put 50% in each.

As well as 2 jobs I've had to subside my income with 'side hustles', I've barely had any downtime!

No doubt he’s another man who watches his partner run ragged while he makes an arse dent in the sofa (an exceptionally deep one due to the weight of the coins in his pockets).

This is straight up misogyny, with him ring-fencing his leisure time, not contributing to childcare (drop offs etc) and not counting your contribution as work. It’s madness.

Of course it isn’t fair. You need to get married and pool all finances. it’s the only way to protect you sufficiently at this stage.

We've never been 50% each we both just pay what we can into joint and all big things come from there. When I've had to have time off because of our child my partner (now husband but we were together 12 years before we married) paid for everything. Since we've married nothing has changed financially. There's never been a 50/50 expectation.

Genuinely don’t understand why people think that having a child together is less of a commitment than getting married.

I’m not married. We’ve been together 15 years and have three children. We’ve always taken the approach that any income is both of ours. Even if I’m not working, I’ve still been keeping the house and looking after the kids which is a full time job in itself. We have a joint account and I manage all the money.

You say you have a 50/50 arrangement but it doesn't sound like you do. He should be picking up half the childcare costs, that means paying you if you're staying at home to look after them instead of paying a nursery 🤷‍♀️ he doesn't get to work FT and you work PT to save nursery costs and take the entire hit. You were foolish for not marrying and joining finances tbh. You either do it now or you're better off leaving and claiming CSA or having 50/50 care freeing you up to work 💐

I'm in the same position relationship wise as you, we don't have a joint account as my partner is terrible with money but we pay the bills proportionally to what each other earn as he earns a lot more which seems fair, he still has plenty to himself after this

It's usually a bigger commitment for a woman but not so much for men who seem to walk away from their kids and responsibilities with alarming regularity. Marriage helps protect women financially when this happens. To not insist on this security before having children is mind boggling 🤷‍♀️

How much do you both earn per month? If there is a big difference in your earnings then yes you do need to sit down with him and have a chat to see if you can adjust the % you each pay of the family outgoings. If you are scraping by and taking on extra work just to pay your half of the bills, whilst he has plenty of spending money and savings each month, then it’s clearly not ok.

If he isn’t willing to talk about it and adjust the amounts you each pay fairly, then you know you have a big problem.

As youre not married, I would take the starting point as that you both 'have the right' to work full time. childcare costs to facilitate that are a joint responsibility, and all bills / hoisehold expenses split 50-50.

Then make adjustments as a couple for that. So if his full time job pays £50k and yours £25k, he pays more towards the household pot.

If you (jointly) agree that you work less than full time, then you need to jointly agree what would be a fair split of bills contribution (given you earn less) and childcare (given you allow the hoisehold to spend less on this).

Sounds quite cold, but he shouldnt assume you do all the childcare AND housework AND lose all leisure time (doing shifts at the pub or wherever). Sit down with him, talk it through and see that (at the start point at least) he would be doing a hell of lot more than he does, and have less freedom on his work schedule!

Does he know how much money you do bring home? If he does and he stills insists on 50-50, that's cruel and a measure of who he is.

Regardless, I'd look to yourself and your own needs now, after 6 years of so much giving. You need to be earning and to build up those savings again. Find a full time job, that you can enjoy, if not love (love is a big ask!).

The kids will adapt fine to an after school club. For the school holidays, book up grandparents if possible and weekly holiday clubs for the weeks you can't cover. Maybe save a weeks leave just for you, in term time? DP might do the same? Go away with a friend, or by yourself to recharge. Look after your self, health and your own finances.

Do you want to marry him?

What's your rent / mortgage situation?

It all sounds dreadful. You're treated like a low paid slave.

Are you better off leaving him and him paying you child maintenance?

This month for example my take home pay is £1515 and his was £2500 with a bit of overtime, but his will soon go up with the good promotion. I've been doing overtime at my job but this will dry up in 2 weeks hence having to find evening work for a few hours a week. I think that will bring me to about £1650/1700 take home pay.

We each pay £1200 in to a joint account.

His argument is that I need a higher paying job in the industry I trained in (engineering) but i just feel so burnt out I'm enjoying having a low stress job I can walk away from at the end of the day.

This is financial abuse.

He's not doing 50% of childcare/wifework/ chores/life admin etc so obey shouldn't be 50/50 either.

Fortunately kids are loving the wrap around care so that's a relief!

We have relied on my parents for help until my father's diagnosis we have to be very careful. The Easter holiday for example, they were going to help out but my daughters friend has chicken pox so can't risk my Dad being near her (he's never had chicken pox and is on chemo). DP asked his Mum (who doesn't work) but essentially she doesn't want to (gym, plans with friends).