Unmarried mothers with partner, how do you do finances?

[Theyellowoneplease]

I've got a lot going on at the moment and I'm stewing about things, I don't know if I'm just being unreasonable or if I have a valid point!

Together with DP for 9 years, we have two DC 6 and 5. I was made redundant between babies, had a large redundancy package equivalent to two years wages which meant I could afford to stay at home for 2 years. Once that money ran out I picked up jobs in hospitality to fit around DPs work to avoid childcare costs. I was struggling financially after COVID passed so found a very flexible job in education where I could write my own diary essentially, meaning I worked PT during preschool hours and did drop offs/pick ups and just (cheekily) WFH when it was the holidays (term time pre-school).

I hated the job but stuck it for 2 years until my youngest started school and we could access wrap around care (not offered at pre-school). I also worked Fri night, sat night and all day Sunday in a pub kitchen as I wasn't bringing in enough money to cover my 50% of the bills.

I left my jobs in November after my DF's terminal cancer diagnosis after realising life is too short to work a job I don't enjoy. I've struggled to find something (a couple didn't work out) but now been in this job about 6 weeks and I like it! However it's low paid so I'm going to have to top up my income with an evening job.

AIBU to be mad that we don't pool our money as a couple? I've always paid 50% of the shared bills AND until November time been the main parent for drop offs/pick ups, holidays etc. DP is being primed for a 2-band promotion with the NHS so he'll be on even better money which I feel really bitter about! He's also moaning about his holiday allowance being 'taken up' for school holidays.

Regardless of whether you're married or not, the problem is neither of you seems to see yourselves as a team just as two individuals. You're more like flat sharers than a couple. A team, and this includes the children, does what's best for the team. It doesn't let one team member sink, it adjusts to accommodate and assist. A team recognises the other members' contributions. It sees success as team success not individual. So for example, in a marriage where they are a team, your DH's promotion would mean you could take your foot off the gas a bit as more money is coming in from him. You could recover from running yourself ragged for so long and he could pick up more bills and allow you a less stressful job with better hours. This in turn benefits the whole household as you, the mother, are less stressed, less tired and more available for the children and him.

Have you ever had this together? Do you feel you are a team?

At this point in time. No I don't think I do. We're going to a good friends wedding today and I have lots of emotions coming to the surface.

Mortgage approx £1k a month. Run down house needs a lot doing. Also making me quite miserable tbh! I don't feel like I'll ever have the money to contribute to improvements.

We have a joint account for household expenses. This covers mortgage (which we hold as tenants in common in unequal shares), bills, maintenance on the property, household items, food, a small "fun budget" for a meal out or takeaway a month and a holiday fund. We contribute unevenly because I pay more of the mortgage as I am currently the higher earner. This means I do effectively substitute his lifestyle a little, but it also evens out the amount of personal disposable income we each have for our respective cars, fun with friends, clothes, etc. Sometimes one of us will treat the other to dinner out, and sometimes I'll pay for a weekend away or similar because I want to get away and would prefer him to come with me! We review contributions a couple of times a year in line with changing bills/household needs/income. This will be reviewed if/when have children and have mat leave/possibly reduce hours and we intend to plan for child expenses etc from about 6 months out to ensure we are covering the "big ticket items" and also can pay into a trust fund for them, and also to reduce the hit of mat leave reduced income.

This is a tight-fisted, uncaring arsehole issue.

It's not a misogyny issue.

I’m not married. We each put the same amount into a joint account to pay for bills (inc childcare when DD was younger). I’m the higher earner so I tend to cover additional stuff like doing up the house.

We are both self employed and work full time.

I’m 33, been with DP 15 years and have two kids 10 and 1.5. When we moved in together 10 years ago we opened a joint account for all bills, and sent 50/50 to it every month, it helped that we have always earnt about the same. Anything leftover was our own to do as we pleased with.

I have never been bothered about getting married, DP mentioned it a few times over the years but I didn’t see the point, or what difference it would make.

Long story short, we are actually getting married this June finally. I think a combination of getting older, having the second baby and me quitting work after mat leave to care for the baby FT it just made sense. I am surprised at the sense of security it’s given me.

Can you go back to work, full time and improve your income? If so I suggest you do this. Let him know he'll have to step up to half of pickups/holidays/sick days etc

Plus half the cost of childcare.

He sounds disgusting, to stand by and watch you work yourself into the ground... and continue to do 50% financial contributions. Whilst doing 0% child/family jobs.

How much have yoi discussed the situation with him?

What a shitshow! Why are you accepting this, raise the bar !

Yup. Wonderful how ‘principled’ these men are, refusing to support the outdated institution of marriage blah blah blah … Oh and just coincidentally it lets them have their cake and eat it, and have half their partner’s too!

His argument is that I need a higher paying job in the industry I trained in (engineering) but i just feel so burnt out I'm enjoying having a low stress job I can walk away from at the end of the day

So if you did this, would he step up and do his half of childcare and no doubt all the mental load of running the household along with cooking, cleaning, laundry etc?

He's currently not appreciating the value of him being able to go to work without having to think about who's going to care for his DC, take them to school/nursery, etc etc. That's huge.

He has two choices. You work full time and continue to split bills 50/50. But you also split 50/50 all childcare including pick ups, drop offs, sick days, appointments etc etc. Same for laundry, cooking, cleaning, money management, gardening, DIY etc etc.

Or you continue as you are but all joint household costs (mortgage, bills, childcare, food, DCs clothes, extra pension contributions to prevent you falling behind where he is) are paid from joint income and the remainder is split 50/50.

@Givemepickles excellent post.

I could not live with this dviying up stuff..

Op your dh has had a wondeful time and as you have carried this load he doesn't understand what it all entails.

You could suggest you will find the engineering job but that he would need to turn it down this promotions? So someone can be present for the dc as to what they are used too.

I can't believe he is happy for you to get a second job?

I think for women, the commitment is having a child but I think for men, the commitment is marriage. Probably because having a child doesn't impact them all that much.

He is not a good father or partner.

I currently earn far more than Mr dplse, so I pay far more of our bills / costs.

What you contribute financially should be in proportion to your income not 50:50

If you're contributing equally to the household finances then you should be contributing equally to the household unpaid work. This includes housework and childcare.

Your two year self funded maternity leave saved him two years paying 50% of nursery fees. So 1 year full time nursery. How much is this where you live? I would guess around £12000 (£1000 a month).

If you want to make a point send him an itemised bill of the unpaid work you've done on his behalf since your DC have been born.

I think as soon as babies are in the picture money should be pooled. Why are you taking on lower paid work to fit around his shifts when you aren’t getting the benefit of his wage?

AAAHHHH again and again. Why do any women work part time and have low incomes and do all the childcare when not married. You have no protection. He can leave tomorrow and you have nothing. You need to work full time, try to get a higher salary, and split all shared expenses relative to your take home pay-including everything related to children. I would never ever consider even risking getting pregnant until I was married.

I don’t know why you’re surprised but well done for making a sensible decision to get married. I am shocked how many peolle IRL and on MN seem oblivious that marriage gives a protection if it ends, which in the vast majority benefits the women.

feel so burnt out I'm enjoying having a low stress job I can walk away from at the end of the day.

You say this. But then say you do overtime and are looking for a second job...

I’ve never wanted to get married and never will, especially after watching my parents get divorced which was astoundingly expensive and my mum still got shafted! It’s not always the security people insist it is, and it’s perfectly ok not to get married for whatever reason too.

My husband and I did 50/50 until we had our second child and I went back to work part time and earned a lot less. Then we both put a percentage of our earnings in, which feels fair. As my children have got older I have gradually been working more hours and therefore put more money in. It's very unfair if your 50%is all your wages but only say half of his, it means he's left with loads of spare money for himself and you have nothing. We also have joint savings accounts and individual ones.

Why do any women work part time and have low incomes and do all the childcare when not married.

I wouldn’t have done it even if I was married.

Fine to not get married, but in that case, don't put yourself in a vulnerable position where you're the one taking all the financial hit of having DC (lower earning career, lower pension, lower disposable income) like the OP has.

If the OP and her DP split, she's entitled to child support, but not compensation for all the rest.

I don't have a joint account with dp and don't intend to. For varying reasons, it is the right thing in our circumstances. He gives me money to cover the increase in cost of him living here, so bills, council tax, food etc, not "rent" on top of that. He also gives me an amount towards the kids each month, as I do most of the shopping and organising. He will pick up half of the bigger spends,such as school uniform, their birthday parties and presents etc. He did the tax free childcare vouchers for nursery, when we needed that. I kept my career going when i had kids, but dropped a day a week, so made additional contributions to my pension to cover. I definitely do more childcare as I can work from home when kids are ill etc.

So you don't necessarily need a joint account, but you do need to agree with each other. I can see his point that you are choosing a lower paid job and asking him to pay more. Have you conversed with him about how much childcare you do that would then need paying for? It seems like you aren't considered his equal and he is happy for you to do all of this, but still expecting you to bring in more money too.

He's both. Those two qualities aren't mutually exclusive.

@Theyellowoneplease
you need to be strategic now. I would insist on getting married, just a registry affair do if you like for the legal protection. And insist on joint finances. If the relationship ends after that, at least you will be protected.

How is it remotely fair that you take on the childcare that reduces your income (and pension), enables him to get promotion and more income and pension, and he doesn’t balance that out?

I would do a spreadsheet that shows how much your childcare has earned him and disadvantaged you.