Unmarried mothers with partner, how do you do finances?

[Theyellowoneplease]

I've got a lot going on at the moment and I'm stewing about things, I don't know if I'm just being unreasonable or if I have a valid point!

Together with DP for 9 years, we have two DC 6 and 5. I was made redundant between babies, had a large redundancy package equivalent to two years wages which meant I could afford to stay at home for 2 years. Once that money ran out I picked up jobs in hospitality to fit around DPs work to avoid childcare costs. I was struggling financially after COVID passed so found a very flexible job in education where I could write my own diary essentially, meaning I worked PT during preschool hours and did drop offs/pick ups and just (cheekily) WFH when it was the holidays (term time pre-school).

I hated the job but stuck it for 2 years until my youngest started school and we could access wrap around care (not offered at pre-school). I also worked Fri night, sat night and all day Sunday in a pub kitchen as I wasn't bringing in enough money to cover my 50% of the bills.

I left my jobs in November after my DF's terminal cancer diagnosis after realising life is too short to work a job I don't enjoy. I've struggled to find something (a couple didn't work out) but now been in this job about 6 weeks and I like it! However it's low paid so I'm going to have to top up my income with an evening job.

AIBU to be mad that we don't pool our money as a couple? I've always paid 50% of the shared bills AND until November time been the main parent for drop offs/pick ups, holidays etc. DP is being primed for a 2-band promotion with the NHS so he'll be on even better money which I feel really bitter about! He's also moaning about his holiday allowance being 'taken up' for school holidays.

Not BU OP.

You've done the lions share of child related stuff while working multiple jobs to contribute 50%. All while he's saving over 50% of his wage.

Do you know how much he has in savings?

There was zero logic in cancelling marriage plans due to feeling financially insecure!

You’re mad to put up with this situation. You’re not earning much because you’re sucking up all the childcare. They aren’t just your children. I’d tell my DP you’re pooling and getting married or get out. You’ll have no or limited pension for all these years whilst your DP is unaffected.

What, if any, were the discussions around the redundancy payout and what it would be used for?

How does your DP feel about his job?

I can see why you feel the way you do and I appreciate you're in a hole of fatigue and it's difficult to pull yourself out while juggling kids and existing jobs. You say you want a low stress role and don't want to go back to engineering, is that ever? Or until the kids are older or what?

Your DP sounds inconsiderate, short sighted and selfish but I'm a little on the fence about some of the choices you've made too, though I appreciate it's difficult to give all the detail. It feels a bit like you're at the point where this will never be resolved now, you (rightly) feel you shouldn't have to be the default parent and plan your life around that while contributing as much as DP, he might well be wondering why it was ok for you to use the redundancy money to give you a two year break from work but he's going to be expected to pool all his funds while you choose a lower paying role. And yes I do realise it saved him childcare costs but that's why I'm asking what the conversations were around it.

You need a full and frank heart to heart and he needs to realise he can't expect you to carry on as you have been and also seek an equivalent job to his, he needs to step up first with the kids so the balance is already in place. You need to think honestly about what your plan is career wise and whether you ever do intent to be in a position to contribute equally financially.

FWIW I've supported my partner through two attempts at self employment and he supported me through a 6 month gap in employment. We pool all our money and have done for years. We have no kids though and we've been together since we were young so have built it all up together. I'm the higher earner but that's not always been the case. I've always had significantly better pension provision. If we split and I found a new partner I'd be incredibly cautious about finances and their expectations around them.

We have 2 children and aren't married. We pay 50/50 on all bills. Don't have a joint account, I have all the bills coming out of my account and he transfers me half plus half the food budget and half of what goes in the savings account every month. Any money out side of the bills is ours to save/spend as we want.

He's not actually wrong that you need a higher paid job, though, is he? "Burnt out" is a pretty poor excuse for that. Lower-earning parents on MN tend to exaggerate their contribution to the household and how much it facilitates the other parent's work, so that's not an excuse either. I think you need to focus on improving your own income since your relationship doesn't sound stable or committed.

If he loves you he would treat you equally not you do all running around after kids so he keeps his wages leaving you struggling on part time.

But he HASN'T been putting in 50% all these years has he?

You've been putting in 50% of the finances and practically all of the childcare, school runs, housework, mental load, meal planning etc etc.

He's just been putting in 50% of the finances and the odd bit of "help" here and there.

Your contribution has been closer to 80/20 and now you're asking him to make it more equal and he doesn't want to.

Do you at least own half of the property you live in?

I'm not married with kids. We pay into a shared account for bills proportionate to our earnings, leaving us similar amounts in our own accounts for our own expenses/ fun money. Over the years this has supported both of us to study, work part time, change jobs when needed etc. Currently I work less hours and earn less as I have what might be considered a'less important' job than him but he's never made me feel that way and I get a lot of job satisfaction from what I do. It also takes into account that I have more time to do childcare and household tasks. There is no way DP would expect me to take on extra jobs I hate when between us we have enough money to pay bills and live a reasonable life.

I swear to god, as a woman in my 50s, sometimes I just despair. What is wrong with some women? I am sorry OP, but seriously, how desperate were you for a man and a baby that you think this is remotely fair or equitable?

What is wrong with women? Have they learnt nothing?

And don't tell me, its all men's fault. There is simply no excuse for setting yourself up like this. Have some dignity and self-respect. Stop setting yourselves up for poverty or/and a life of no options.

Self-respect, where has it gone?

And take some responsibility for your own life. Some women just seem to take the approach that life is easier as a victim.

Yes, I know this is mean but god, if only one woman reads this - AND STANDS UP FOR THEMSELVES WHEN THEY START A RELATIONSHIP!

Well, that killed the thread!