To be offended by MIL's comments about engagement ring?

[Eebee82]

DP and I recently got engaged. His step-mum - my future MIL - is pushing 80 and has always been very flash. She's never been particularly motherly to DP and every time we see her she manages to talk about herself a lot, make the story about herself and basically trump whatever you say. If you've been to Tenerife, she's been to Elevenerife. If you get a new car, she spent even more on a better one. That kind of person.

She's always had money and is very glamorous. Has lots of nice jewellery, nice clothes and takes pride in her appearance. Her fingers are covered in diamonds - not to my taste but expensive.

We went for dinner with her and FIL for the first time since getting engaged. There was no mention of it. No congratulations, to nod to it when we all cheersed once our drinks arrived etc. Towards the end of the meal I brought up that we'll soon be planning a wedding and she says "oh look [FIL] at her little ring" flashing him my hand. Then follows up with "ah int that sweet".

ABIU to take this as hugely condescending and her way of having another dig? I've taken offence to the "little" and "sweet". I'd never say that to someone recently engaged and think she's just f*ing rude. But AIBU?

You just have different tastes in jewellery. You would find her rings over-lavish and too big. To her yours is miniature and understated.

Because you've already told us about the way your MIL to be is like OP, I'm inclined to think you're not being unreasonable at all. What a mean, and insulting thing to say, meant clearly to indicate that her step son hasn't done very well, if he's only provided you with a ring with small stones (in her opinion). What a bitch! Take no notice OP, although if she brings it up again, I'd be tempted to tell her that not everyone is as ostentatious as she is! and let her chew the bones out of that!!

Congratulations on your engagement. How long until the wedding, and can I come as I'd like to wipe the floor with this old bag! lol

She’s rude. She was being condescending. Ignore her. She doesn’t have to like or wear your ring. Don’t let her rain on your parade, congratulations on your engagement

Why didn’t you just say ‘aww thanks, yes I love it - he did well didn’t he?! The perfect ring for me’ Assuming you weren’t there when he bought it.

🤣 that did make me laugh! Honestly I know for a fact that at the wedding, if she comes, she will find a way to make a catty remark about something. I'll be there in my wedding dress and she will still find a way to piss on my party. She can't help herself! I usually don't bat an eyelid and I love my ring, so couldn't give a flying turd that she thinks it's small compared to her Dallas style knuckle dusters, I just needed to hear if I'm taking her comment how others would.

'Elevenerife' 😂😂

Yanbu OP, her comment was rude.

The problem is she always catches me off guard and I'm usually so taken aback by her front. She wasn't even interested in where he got it from (it's 100 years old so an antique) or how he proposed. She didn't even ask! I find that odd too!

And you're not even married, yet? Good luck with that one, OP ... hella rude

She sounds like trash. Insecure too. Enjoy your ring and your engagement. Congratulations!

Yeah she's obviously one of 'those' types. Obviously rude and meant to be. If she has another dig just say 'I wouldn't like a big flashy ring myself. They just seem a bit 'try hard' and tacky' or something along those lines.

Incidentally, I never wanted a big flashy ring and my DH knew that. But I have to cringe thinking of him going round all the diamond shops stating that I wouldn't want anything flash as it's tacky.....being shown said rings by ladies with massive diamond rings on 🙈

I think you just need to change the script, don’t engage with anything she says at all and have your own narrative that you want to share. For example, if she makes any comment about the wedding, don’t respond to it, just reply with what you want to say. Don’t expect a conversation, you’re never going to get one from her, so don’t listen - sounds like her opinion is not worth listening to anyway.

’shame you can only go on honeymoon in Europe, we went to the Carribean’ - yes we’re so excited, we’ve wanted to go here for ages.

’aww look at your little car, we managed to get a bigger, brand new one’ - it’s so perfect for what we need, really excited to have it.

‘Our wedding breakfast was amazing, we had lobster and watch steak for everyone, all served with gold plated cutlery’ - we’re so happy with the menu we chose, it really suits our personalities and the type of wedding we want.

Once you get in the habit it will come easier. The other option is to look at her with a confused expression and say ‘err OK… anyway… as I was saying, our wedding vibe is going to be BDSM Goth’

My mother peered at my ring and said ‘oh, isn’t it tiny’. No congratulations.

She has no interest in jewellery and never had an engagement ring herself.

I just let it wash over me, as nothing I have ever done in my life will suit her.

You don't respect her, so just pay not mind.

However, I will say that marrying a man is marrying his family. A fact that may have affected my divorce.

I'm quite lucky that because she's always been quite hands off in DP's life, the worst I have to tolerate is her catty comments at dinner every 6 weeks or so. He also knows what she's like so we're united in blowing her comments off. An overbearing MIL would be way worse.

Ouch. Although saying that, my mum didn't ask to look at it or seem that interested in it either!

Ooh I like the try hard comment. She won't like that! 🤣

She obviously knows she is being a cow, so don't worry about what you say back.
'Happily, I don't measure my self-worth in what I have on my fingers'

Bitch

What did FiL say about your ring?

I’ll be honest, other people, even close family, aren’t that interested.

You ask someone details like ‘how did they propose’ just to be polite. Unless it’s a very unique/ entertaining story, it’s generally not of interest to other people, likewise what exactly your ring looks like.

These are personal to you and your partner

Not much, I'm not sure he even saw it really. But he'd already called me after we broke the news, asking how DP proposed etc which was nice

No I get that. But if you're gonna take the time to look at the ring like she did, albeit fleetingly mid sentence, don't then call it little and sweet unless you're deliberately trying to be a dick, you know?!

Push back with gentle comments about her age. "It's lucky that you are still able to travel at this age" or "a shame that you are no longer able to travel yourself". "Have you ever done a safari? I guess it's too late now for you to do such a physical holiday"
"Do you have any trouble with your rings with your fingers swelling up, I know lots of older people do"
"Do you worry about being mugged when you wear your expensive jewellery? Have you taken a self defence class?"

Id have just said, i think a smaller ring is more tasteful and classier (whilst staring at her ostentatious jewellery)

I really couldn’t get worked up about someone saying it was small. Especially if it is.