To be offended by MIL's comments about engagement ring?

[Eebee82]

DP and I recently got engaged. His step-mum - my future MIL - is pushing 80 and has always been very flash. She's never been particularly motherly to DP and every time we see her she manages to talk about herself a lot, make the story about herself and basically trump whatever you say. If you've been to Tenerife, she's been to Elevenerife. If you get a new car, she spent even more on a better one. That kind of person.

She's always had money and is very glamorous. Has lots of nice jewellery, nice clothes and takes pride in her appearance. Her fingers are covered in diamonds - not to my taste but expensive.

We went for dinner with her and FIL for the first time since getting engaged. There was no mention of it. No congratulations, to nod to it when we all cheersed once our drinks arrived etc. Towards the end of the meal I brought up that we'll soon be planning a wedding and she says "oh look [FIL] at her little ring" flashing him my hand. Then follows up with "ah int that sweet".

ABIU to take this as hugely condescending and her way of having another dig? I've taken offence to the "little" and "sweet". I'd never say that to someone recently engaged and think she's just f*ing rude. But AIBU?

You sound a delight.

Damning with faint praise?

She'll be part of your family when you marry. You have to find a way to be Ok with this .

You've written all about her bad points. What are her good ones?

TBH it wouldn't occur to me to ask where the ring came from or how he proposed.

I would have congratulated you, and meant it but I'm just not a ring person. I didn't even want an engagement ring and just wear a plain wedding band.

@Pottedpalm there is no need to be so rude to a stranger on the internet.

Do you not understand the concept of humour?

🤣 the thought of her doing karate

It isn't.

That was your chance to say
’yes, it’s an antique. Just a few years older than you mil.’

When my dh’s dsis got engaged she had a lovely sapphire ring. Our other dsil, dh’s db’s wife had a similar but slightly smaller ring. Mine was smallest of all!
Dsis who was just engaged is a quiet and lovely person.
Other dsil couldn’t help but make barbed remarks about how big dsis’s sapphire was in a very spiteful way.

Surely all anyone has to say is Congratulations, your ring is gorgeous.

🤣🤣🤣

I can't believe I'm reading this.

The fact this is even in your MIND says so much about you.

My DMIL offered a family ring for my engagement ring, I was thrilled to be so accepted. I’m allergic to nickel, my finger swelled, it was one above a cracker ring. She didn’t think the marriage would last and didn’t want my DH wasting money. Thirty two years later I wear a gold and silver ring made by a local artist that suits our values and lives, she’s still a witch though.

I shall also answer in the style of someone who obviously can't understand the wider context.

Op, you sound up your own arse, wanting everyone to notice you and reassure you all the time. Engagments are no big deal ive been engaged 5 times. The ring is small to her, and she was merely being truthful. You've got a keeper of a MIL there.

@CantFindTheBeat yes, read it and weep all you compulsive one uppers

I did try a much bigger one on, but it just looked like a ridiculous fake.

Wow. I'll refrain from commenting about what being engaged 5 times must say about you as a person. Oh whoops.

I'm definitely not up my own arse. Do you get a discount at jewellers for having bought so many rings?

If she's habitually catty and you suspect she'll say something nasty at your wedding, as you suggested, warn her beforehand. She knows exactly what she's doing and might think twice if she knows you know.
"Doris, don't come out with one of your faux-innocent catty remarks today. It's my wedding day. Not today". She might be all "sigh, I'm not allowed to say anything" <fake sad face> but your fiancé is on your side so it doesn't matter.

Of course it is small and sweet. You don't have the hands of a navi which is what you need to have diamonds on every finger.

It’s shit, I had a line manager like this, constant back handed comments where you’d nod and then a few minutes later think did she just say that!? I think as it’s family you just have to roll with it a bit and be united with DP, it’s good he has your back.

Obviously if she gets nasty don’t just take it but it sounds like it’s the way she is and sometimes the game isn’t worth the candle.

With my line manager it was her own lack of self worth, she had multiple houses, H buying her all sorts but she was a miserable trout who was insecure and projected that on me as I was happy with very little and she didn’t like that for some reason.

😂😂😂 ok!

I'm on your side op

"I shall also answer in the style of someone who obviously can't understand the wider context."

She sounds quite similar to how my sister used to be (thankfully age has improved her attitude). When I got engaged I got a response of "that style is so popular right now, you can get similar in Claire's Accessories". The only way I found to deal with her remarks was to call her out and it seemed to suitably shame her. I pretty sure no one has made a remark to your future MIL about what she says and, your both adults and there is no reason her comments (if they are upsetting you/offending you) should be let go. Call her out. Doesn't have to be rude or sarcastic, but a simple "I realise it's not your taste but it is perfect for me", "You may think it is small, but I love it". Honestly, she is so sure in her opinion being the be all and end all, having someone express a difference of opinion will probably come as a surprise - enough for her to pipe down 🤞🤞

'I go for understated elegance..'

And I'd plan to be too busy to talk to her at your wedding but have a few comments that you've practised.
'Oh I thought your wedding was really dull'
That's funny we've had loads of compliments from close friends..!'
'Oh your dress is quite simple'
'Oh that's funny I've had loads of compliments already..'
And swish away..

Can we see it? Love an antique ring
...

'aww thanks. It's gorgeous isn't it. I'm really into delicate, understated jewellery. All that glitz and massive rings and shiny things, argh, so tacky.'

Look at her rings and say ''oooooo is that elizabeth duke's ?''
stroke her bag and say, ''omg, is that Radley?'' (feel bad for Radley saying that cos they're solid.)